Tuesday, November 10, 2009

what can you find in patience?

I've been told that I'm not the most patience person alive, and you know what? They're right - but still, I try every day. Just like 1,000 other things that I've been attempting to put into rotation into my life - patience is one of them.

Flawed, yes - but still - I'm finding all these revelations and transformations seem to be like sex. The whole experience has heightened my awareness of so many other things.
How I feel.
How things tastes.
How I look at things.
Its very interesting to myself how much I've changed internally over the last year.

It has been like a diet of sorts.
I finally shed that 50lbs off my ass after 15 years of trying - but it wasn't my ass, it was my internal self that was so heavy it was suffocating under the weight of my own denial and hatred.

Hindsight helped. This I can not deny, but at the same time it has brought to the surface some things that I felt were unimportant and fleeting and here I am, a year after the fall from my last life and still they persist me like a stalker following it's prey.

These things only open my mind up more to where I'm going. They make me think, maybe a little too deeply, but still - I'd much rather delve into the folds of the darkness recesses of a persons life than sit by and talk about superficial mumbo jumbo that will only numb my brian for 15 minutes longer.

This feeling only pushes me further from my past - because the term "skin deep" was created for a reason and no, it doesn't make the past a bad thing - but just not where I need to be any more.

How can you move forward if you hold on so tight to something that is gone?
You can't.

I find conversation and deep rationalizations seem to help me be even more at peace with myself - pointing out my own flaws, like impatience, and helping me to become that patient person I want to be. And I have, on certain levels and with certain people.
I'll be so patient you may even forget I was standing next to you, but I'm there. Yes, that may be more for me, but at the same time - its for them too, because what I've found is that certain people are worth waiting for.

Even if that number is super low.

In the last month I've had 2 people tell me how quiet I am - I suppose that's a sign that it's working, because sitting and watching the world is sometimes the best way to learn about it, and to learn about yourself.

If you're always talking - you'll probably miss something and I'm tired of missing things because my voice it the loudest in the room. The only thing I can be is myself - a self I will one day truly love and I hope that is accomplished before August 9th 2010.

I really, really do.

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