Tuesday, December 29, 2009

But still...



I have always written with music close by my side. The music is there to help me reach that heightened crescendo of emotions in my writing - that extra umph to get me to that next level.


Its my drug of choice.
Words and music
Music and words
May I marinated in them till the last breath I have escapes this little body... 


I've been thinking a lot lately - thinking about a lot of things. I've grown a lot in this last year and I want to keep up with that - never look back! Never surrender! And never, by no mean, EVER give up.


"I'll take 'Things that Look Good on Paper' Alex for $200"


Elated to deflated seems to happen to me all the time. This "great" idea I have then becomes another item to add to my "WTF pirates chest" I keep in the back of the warehouse I call my brain. 
But still - I can't give up.


In my utter frustration I'll yell things to the sky as I wag my fist at some unseen force I've decided to blame for the mishaps of my life, "GIVE ME SIGN WILL YOU ALREADY?!! CHRIST! HIT ME WITH A CAR OR SOMETHING..." and then, "I take back that last part... the part about the car. But a sign would be nice! wink! wink! nod! nod!"


And I've had them come. Signs. Dreams. Things I need to take that next step... 


I've dreamt of Bukowski, his hair all peppered and dirty. I've dreamt of him and he looked at me and said, "A. You just have to f**king do this. Every day I worked at that wretched post office. Every day I wrote at my desk. Every day. And look at me! I was 50 when things started rolling."
He's dirty and smells of cheap wine and smoking a cigarette - and I smile. Mostly happy that he's not trying to bed me.


But he's there, sitting in a wrecked old arm chair, tired and hung over and brilliant - my writing guardian angel. Good old Hank.


To be honest he's probably the reason I tend to listen to Brahms more than I listen to the Stones when I write. He's probably the reason Ralph Vaughan Williams is piping into my ears as I write this out. Bukowski hated that loud music that we love so much. That I love so much. But he was right when he spoke of the emotions that are held in every note of classical music - a violin tickling my brain. 


............................................................
..............................................
.............................
...............
......
..
.


Life.
We tend to get in the way of it.
We muck it all up as we walk around doing what we "think" we should.
We think too much.


I think too much.


I get in my own way.
I fumble on myself until I kick the crap out of me.
I won't be happy until I see blood.
I make me fail.


I want to write...
Then write! What are you waiting for?


An invitation perhaps
or a message from the President
There is no good time
There is only now, but still
but still


Excuses...


The pile up on me like old bed sheets 
on the laundry room floor.
I watch them grown and they only cause more problems
Things get inside there
little critters
burrowing
nesting
wrecking


But still... I want to write
I want people to say, "Did you read her book, it changed my life."
"Did you see that it's on the New York Times Best Seller list?"
"Did you know this is her first novel? I can't wait till she comes into town and I can meet her."


It's not fame I want
It's the satisfaction of holding my book
MY BOOK
in my hands
THESE TWO LITTLE HANDS
and know that someone who lives on the other side of this planet read it
Loved it
and can't wait till I write more...




I know that there is only now... I KNOW this... in the end it's like that old joke:



A farmer is in Iowa during a flood. The river is overflowing, with water surrounding the farmer's home up to his front porch. As he is standing there, a boat comes up, the man in the boat says "Jump in, I'll take you to safety."
The farmer crosses his arms and says stubbornly, "Nope, I put my trust in God."
The boat goes away. The water rises to the second floor. Another boat comes up, the man says to the farmer who is now in the second story window, "Jump in, I'll save you."
The farmer again says, "Nope, I put my trust in God."
The boat goes away. Now the water is up to the roof. As The farmer stands on the roof, a helicopter comes over, and drops a ladder. The pilot yells down to the farmer "I'll save you, climb the ladder."
The farmer says "Nope, I put my trust in God."
The helicopter goes away. The water comtinues to rise and sweeps the farmer off the roof. 


He drowns.


The farmer goes to heaven. God sees him and says "What are you doing here?"
The farmer says "I put my trust in you and you let me down."
God says, "What do you mean, let you down? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!!!"




Yeah... I guess I should go write now... Good night.


Saturday, December 26, 2009

My Christmas Vacation - by me!



My Christmas Vacation

Christmas. It's that special time of year when we put our differences aside in order to gather mass quantities of gifts we either do no want, or pretty much, do not deserve.

Yes! It's that time of year we take every penny we don't have and apply the "mine is bigger than yours" rule.

Festive.

Full of glee.

Some people say that it's the "most wonderful time of the year." And I say - go for it!

I am a fan of free shit - I mean gifts... :)
Bring me your stocking stuffers, bring me your gluttonous meals, bring me that Wii that we really won't use. BRING ME CHRISTMAS!

[as shown by the above statement I fall into the "grinch" category when it comes to this holiday]

But this year... OH! THIS YEAR! I decided to try. [having a kid will do that to even the strictest cynic]

Enter Wednesday - the day before Christmas Eve.

There is this show - the show of all shows at a local club - featuring something like 43 [10] bands. It goes well - the only hitch is that we originally decided to get a cab but as the days rolled on most people back out do to the fact they all had their "lady's days" [and I'm referring to the men] so I made a deal with my husband that I would be the driver for the evening. I really don't drink that much these days so, honestly I don't mind.

LET THE NIGHT BEGIN.

Pick up my 25 year old cousin - there to remind me why I'm no longer 25 and why I no longer want to be 25 - we headed out to the club, located at good 20 minute drive from our home town. We get there, the goings good, I have a few beers (seriously, I have 2) and then we decided to jet off to our next local.

By this point one of my husband friends is wasted and has been hitting on me for the better part of the night. He's harmless, and my husband is standing next to him through most of the drunken comments about my butt, so I don't much care. I'm good at ignoring that kind of thing and if the husband is fine with it, it's not like my self-esteem is saying "NO! PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU THINK I'M CUTE!" [not very proud of that - but alas... I am still human regardless of what that Superhero ID card I had printed up off the internet years ago] So my ego is about the size of Texas at this point, I've fallen off the "no smoking" wagon [AWESOME!!], and now we're going to drive from E.155th to W.25th - yes that would be a hike.

Picture it.
I'm driving a 1999 green chevy cavalier.
Inside - 3 really drunk guys and me [and my ego, so there really like 7 of us].
When I hear... "There's a cop. A cop just go on the highway."

This has been known to happen. From time to time law inforcement is forced to use the motorways thus improving their driving time... weird. I know.

The sentence is bouncing around the car from drunk to drunk and now I have to make a decision on which road to take - should I split to the right or should I split to the left.
Right.
Left.
Right.
Left.

WTF?! ARE THOUSE RED AND BLUE LIGHTS IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR?

Suddenly my two beers feels like two kegs.
It's two days before Christmas, my son's at my in-laws, and I'm going to jail.

"Merry Christmas baby! Can you send mama a carton of smokes and a file in a cake?"

I start chanting "See lights. Go right." in my head, as a reminder seeing, once, I didn't - I went left. I pull out my license, roll down the window, hear "please get out of the car."
I do.

Little 'ol me, standing on the shoulder of the fricking freeway - 3 drunks - [my ego is sooo gone]
The cop says, "I just need to run your license, if it comes back clean you can go."
The last time I had a moving violation was in 1997.

I get back in the car - which I was kindly assisted to by the to over sized beefy Cleveland Cops - I wish them both a Merry Christmas and I start the car.

An array of "holy shits" and "your a god" [ego? is that you again? SHOT GUN!]
By this point I'm shaking. My hands. My legs.
I can't believe I'm driving.
I can't believe I'm not in holding.
Seriously. There IS a god and he/she was RIGHT THERE and they let me go with a message. That message was:

GET YOUR SKINNY WHITE ASS BACK INTO THAT DILAPIDATED CAR AND DRIVE YOUR DRUNK FRIENDS AND FAIMLY HOME! NOW!!

So we drove to another bar.

Yes. Smart.

I just wanted to sit down.
I needed some water.
I needed some coffee.
I needed a cigarette.
I needed a valium, a vacation in the bahamas, and to be warm - as I was holding my son.

My cousin buys me a beer, which I have 4 sips of and then I move over to water - the beer was great but 11 proof and I'm pretty sure that I'm already pushing my luck by being here so I get situated and then go outside with my husband and swear a lot.

A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! A LOT! A LOT!

I go back inside and meet a lovely man who asks me if I'm a model.
After I laugh at  him in his face [A LOT! A LOT! A LOT!] I sit back down.

Enter Phase Stupid - part dos <- FANCY!

My new friend is now dancing behind me as I sit at the bar talking to the bartenders about things like, why there's a samurai sword behind the bar [that one of the bartenders tried to use on his birthday], how the weather sucks [see! It's not just me!] and how smiling really won't kill a person [regardless of what the bartender thought - he didn't want to smile - unless I begged him too...] The guy behind me keeps telling anyone who will listen that I'm a model and was on Top Model [my ego has checked out by this point, it's late and I'm tired. I figure it's off in some warm cozy bed some place and I wish I was with it] I no longer want to be part of this so I go find my husband and tell him that I need to step outside - the guys getting annoying and I need to make out with the husband in front of him so he'll back off.

As we're heading out doors we are stopped to be told my cousin, a.k.a. our "boy" has wandered off - did I mention he live in Arizona?

I chase him down the street as he sputters drunk comments at me, we haul him back to the bar - gather out things (including one other person) and then head off - to where? TO GET FOOD OF COURSE!

OH! I FORGOT! I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 4AM!

We go eat and by 3:30 I look at everyone and say - "GET IN THE CAR OR BE LEFT BEHIND!"
"Aww.. come on!! Did you see those chicks? They're soo hot!!!" [cuz I care about that?] So I drive them all home, make it to bed and sleep until my drunk hubby tries to wake me up for some lovin'...

My ego, energy and eagerness to act cute is gone. I tell him to go to bed and I sleep a whole 5 hours...
SON OF A BI......

...This concludes the portion dedicated to December 23rd. Let's zip forward to CHRISTMAS NIGHT!

I can't sleep again. I'm bouncing from couch to bed to couch. By 4:30 it's become apparent my night is over so I lay on the couch till about 5am. At 5 I sit up, commit to the idea of coffee and writing and make my way into my kitchen.

I do this ALL THE TIME. No biggie...

But this time there is someone staring in the back window looking at me.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN THE EFFIN BACK WINDOW OF MY EFFIN HOUSE STARING AT ME!!

Paralyzed with fear, well, after I run upstairs to get my husband - I can't decided to wake him or just call the cops. [cuz there's some freak jerk staring in my kitchen window at 5 am in the freaking morning the day after Christmas. Who does that? Who's "that" guy!??] I'm so out of my mind I crawl into bed and try to calm myself.  I decided they'll go away. Right? They'll go away... but what if they don't?! What if they're still there when I need to get up with my son?!!! WHAT THEN?

Enter tears streaming down my face.

I can't breath.
I can't see.
I can't think.
I kinda want to vomit.

So I wake up my husband.

He runs downstairs to confront the guy [in his boxers - you know - it's like battle armor, but not at all] after a few moments I come down...

Yeah. It's a freaking dummy.
The bust of a mannequin propped up on our trash can - waiting to scare me shitless.

I hope on my phone and post a thing on facebook - we know we must know this person who did this to us on Christmas night... When I see a post on my page and my husband's page that says "Hows Gail?"

My brain is fried.
I still can't breath.
I still wanna vomit...
It takes a minute...

SON OF A BI.......!!!!

And my son wakes up.

Yes. I've been up since 4:30 am. It's now 11pm and the only thing I can think is that these things seems to take a night off so I'd better get some rest, because tomorrow is gonna be a doozy.

Maybe I'll get pulled over by a drunk mannequin who thinks I'm a contestant on that RuPaul show...
My ego probably would be happy if I was an attractive 7 foot tranny... right?
Yes... it probably would be...

I need sleep...

Otherwise! CHRISTMAS WAS GREAT! The husband got me the Bourne Series!! LOOOVVVEE ITTT!!

Ho! Ho! Ho!!

Christ... it just hit me... next week is new years...
It's official. I'm crawling under my house now.
It's just safer that way.

good night... and good luck...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

9:00pm


It's 9:00pm and Christmas Eve.
I'm sitting here at my computer, my house is silent - all the men are in bed.
My feet are freezing, you see, I too decided to retire for the night but then grew restless and so I crept out in my robe and here I sit - bare legs and feet - typing away.
I've been going to bed earlier and earlier theses days. Part due to exhaustion and part due to the fact that this is the first time in my life I can sleep, I've grown fond of that pile of springs, cotton, wood and toppings - but not like last year when I was fond of it because it was the only thing keeping me off the ground.

The up side of extra sleep is that my extra saucy personality has been padded with a smile or two, but the down side is that things - many things - have begun to suffer.

My writing is nearly non-existent these days
My homework is piling up
My "alone time" has been chiseled down to bathroom breaks (I now shower daily and my skin hurts due to it)

I drop one for the other and have been trying to figure out how I can mesh the two in a nice little package so I can very well have my cake and eat it too.

9:00pm on Christmas Eve and it's probably the most awake I've been in months.

If the little light
at the end of the hall
flickers just right
I can't see
while blinking
and if the wind
outside
blows just right
it sounds like I'm
trapped in a tunnel
If the sleep
that I get
is taken away
will I cease to
function as
the person I am
and if I strive
to write and
study every day
...

what's a little sleep dep?

9:00pm - you'll see me again - more often then in the last week
It's time to get back into it because I miss it so. I miss it like part of my heart has bee removed.

Yoga brings me peace.
Writing brings me breath.

Life.

Last night I saw what my life would have been if I had kept on the path of delinquent drinker. As I stood in the shoulder of 90 with two cop cars rollers spinning and two cops flanking my sides.

Tonight I see my future.
California
Writing
Yoga

Life.

I'm running out of time, only 227 days to go...

I wish you all a Merry Christmas. May it be the Christmas you wanted. May you get all the toys you crave. May you find the path that suits you & and I hope the sweets are good too!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Top 15 Guilty Pleasure songs you would bring to a Desert Island!



This is a combo between two other blogs that I so nicely took and combined their ideas! First - The Couch Potato Chronicles & The BEEZEWAX!

Yes!

15 Guilty Pleasure songs you'd want on a DESERT ISLAND!

1. Jessie's Girl - I know every word to this song. As a female that was born in the last quarter of the 21st century I was on of the many women who wished that they were Jessie's Girl. (even after this last season of Californiacation... I have a whole different view on Rick
Springfield now...)

2. St. Mary - Rancid. Ok. So this (in my book) is't a 'guilty pleasure' song. But if I was stuck on a desert island I'd want to hear it. And then after the first year I'm sure I'd wish I had picked one
if the other Rancid songs I love. (from 2000 & eariler)

3. Desperato - The Eagles. I was with my husband for 7 years before I admitted I belted out the words to their songs when he wasn't with me.

4. Flash Gordon - Queen. Yes. One of the greatest bands ever, but most laugh at this number. Personally I can see myself running around pretending I AM Flash... And seeing I'm on a deserted island an
active imaginations not a bad thing.

5. Anything by Gerald Finzi. I like his concertos. Done and done.

6. Killing me softly - Roberta Flack. If you've read this blog you know I love this song. Not so much guiltly pleasure, but it'll be there on those lonely days on my tropical deserted island.

7. YMCA - the Village People. Desert island dance party!!

8. Dancing Queen - ABBA - refer to above.

9. A Better Son/Daughter - Rilo Kiley. Like to sing it.

10. Iron Man - Black Sabbath and I'd sing it like the kid down the street from me "I am Iron Man! Iron! Iron! Iron! Iron! Iron Man!"

11. Pleasant Valley Sunday - the Monkees. Cuz it's rad.

12. Because of You - Kelly Clarkson. I heart Miss Clarkson. GUILTY!

13. Lady Marmalade - I don't care who sings it, as long as it's being sung.

14. Touch of Gray - Grateful Dead. That's enough it get my husband to not talk to me for a week... But I'm assuming he won't be ON the island...

15. Eye of the Tiger - Survivor. My first band, the F-Bombs, this and Sweet Home Alabama somehow was played at every practice...

And there you have it! Have an awesome Christmas!!
-A

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Did you get the letter?


Did you get it? Did you get the "letter"?
You know what letter... that letter some long lost friend/coworker/family member sends you the week before Christmas... The one that tells you right there in BLACK AND WHITE just how awesome their lives are?

Oh, I know that letter! 
I grew UP with that letter! 
My family LOVED that letter!

Why?

Because my extended family is nothing but a pile of gossips and we'd read "Tom just got into college!"
And then find out - "Through an out reach program up State!" 

No one is perfect - so why lie about it? You just have to look in the media to see how that ends up. Most of our problems would be solved in this work if we were just honest.

BUT THEN ALL THE FUN WOULD BE GONE!!!

I don't believe that... I think it would be more fun because you'd spend less time trying to figure out what the hell is going on. And then you could write a letter... For a few years I wrote a letter. It was my bad attempt at humor. I divulged secret fetishes and made up problems about my siblings. It was divine. (granted they weren't amused... but I sure was!)

People get so serious around the holidays! Who bought what for whom. How many gifts did so-and-so get. How much time was spent with what person! We should all just be happy! We could be dead! We could live in a world that doesn't have the Internet! OR WORSE... SEX!

No one wants that... no they don't...
Well I don't.

I like the internet
AND 
I like the sex

If I didn't have them... well, I'd just be cranky all the time.
Where's the fun in that?

MERRY CHRISTMAS! NO GO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

How will I know?!!! OOOO HOW WILL I KNOOOOOW!!!



Welcome to the holidays, a time when it really doesn't matter much you don't want to, you're going to think about people you haven't seen in years and wonder how they're doing.

The stress of school is very apparent in my life these days, but with a one year old and the holidays only a few days away, I really don't have time to worry about it.

Maybe that's a good thing.

I've attempted to embrace this holiday season. Listen to Christmas music, decorate, the normal little things we all do, but part of me isn't there. Part of me still wants to ignore this sentimental time of the year and scream that we should be like this year round an not just one snowy night in the middle of winter... (ok - so it's only day 4 of winter, but you get my drift)
I just don't want to face things - I don't want to face missing people that I can't get a hold of.

My new found freedom of not being 100% broken is wonderful, and I don't want 48 hours of holiday hodgepodge to ruin that - even though part of me is betting that it can't be helped. I am to feel sad that I can't be around all of those I've ever loved....

So tell me. How do you tell someone you miss them when you know you can't be the one that starts the conversation?

Yes, it sounds immature, but we've all been there so you know what I'm saying.

That stupid inner voice I've been paying a lot of attention to keeps telling me to just let it go, to have faith that if the friendship is meant to be at all I have to trust that time will heal all wounds. It's logical and very intelligent advice - but patience hasn't been my strong suit...

So, once again (in Whitney Houston style) how will I know?  (the rest of the song isn't really relevant but I did this sweet talent show dance to that song when I was in 4th grade and to this day I still find myself singing that song in my head...)

Who knows that I ever will - that's a rather faithless comment isn't it?  Hmm... today I'll work on that.

Time to shower and enter the real world. The world that poops on the floor when you take it's diaper off. The world that tells me I'm behind on the water bill...

See, in the end I won't have time to think about things - sorry Whitney, guess I'll never know...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I want! I want! I want! ME! ME! ME!


Today I take the next step. I am offically healed. No, not because
it's been a year but because I can feel it in my soul.
It came to me last night as I was laying on my couch. The covers piled
high to combat the draft that dances around my front window. I had
been reading and then I was writing on my journal. My mind kept
trailing to how I should meditate because I love it but how I always
find reasons to avoid it.
It's too late.
It's too early.
I'm too tired.
I'm too distracted.
The house is on fire.
(I used to know a kid that would say his dog was on fire when he
didn't want to talk on the phone. It still makes me laugh due to how
random it is)
So in the end I didn't sit with my spine "errect like an attena to the
heavens" I just pulled those covers up to my chin and drapped my sweat
shirt over my eye (attempting to block out the Christmas lights next
door) and let my mind wander.
"tell me mind, will I ever not hurt? Will it ever be time?"
And my mind said, "Yes. Now." and then it said something no one wants
to hear or have assoicated with them, "you've been selfish long enough."
Wait... What?! I'm healing! Not being selfish! WTF?
But my mind was right.
I've been healed for a while but I slipped on that slope and fell on
myself. My new comfort was being hurt and scared and not knowing - my
misery is where I have felt safe and my attempt to fix that led to a
parade of ME! ME! ME!
So here I am. I've stood out front for a year yelling "Look at me! I'm
hurt! Love me!" and now it's time for me to return the favor.
To you
To my husband & son
To the world in general
Today is December 17th 2009
I'm 34 years old
And I'm a lot of things
But in the end I'm just me
Regardless, I'm ready to smile
And I'm ready to laugh
And I thank all of you for being there for me, it means more to me
than you will ever really know.
I have grown to love how life unfolds before me. Each time I looks at
me as to say, "Can we move on now?"
And each time I reply... Yes.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Hibernation



This is where I'm at today:

I woke up this morning a little after 7am. In a panic I flew out of bed because I didn't mean to sleep a "little past" anything - if I wait too long I don't get breakfast - which I still haven't had. Add to that, there's this terrible "stitch" in my side that is inhibiting my breathing.

Yes, it's just THAT fun.

I figure I should do yoga, but... ah... but...

As the excuses roll out of me I find my way to here - my computer. I love my computer. I don't know how I ever lived without technology. I know I did - but still, the general idea just baffles me that at one point of my life I wasn't connected to the internet with my iphone in hand.

My life must have just been terrible. I'm fairly sure I just cried all the time.

(and I just dumped coffee on my lap...)

Moving on, by the time I made it downstairs, my husband is looking haggard because our son is on a sleep strike. (We figure he's attempting to save the whales or the ozone, in his efforts he's slowly killing his parents.) So I took the boy and tickled him for a good five minutes, chased him for ten more and then he collapsed on the floor and started to cry - which is a sign he needs at nap... at 7:45 in the morning?
My husband rushed past me to leave for work.

I sigh inwardly and then start mapping out my day:
- laundry
- christmas cards
- homework
- work work

and now I have a stick in my side AND panic in my heart...

Christmas
New Years
Family
Gifts
Shopping
Reading
Writing
Transcribing
Practice, practice, practice!
Crying babies
Laundry
Food...

So this is what I've come up with!
I'm going to go crawl into my closet and close my eyes for a bit.
Please wake me in June.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Meditate on this!! SHAZAM!


I promised myself on Saturday night that today I'd spend the day in bed.

Seeing that I can't seem to sleep, I don't see the point!

Stupid brain...

I only have 3 more weekends of yoga training to go. In a little over 2 months I'll be an official Yoga Instructor. What does that mean? You should take a class from me. (TAKE A CLASS FROM ME!)

Last night, as I was fake sleeping in bed, I had all these great thoughts running through my head. I was blogging away in my minds eye as I thought about how I should get my ass out of bed and just blog. (or go by the effin laptop so I can blog in bed. Maybe I should go do that right now...)
But what I was thinking about was meditation.

This is something that comes up a lot in my class. It's part of being a "yogi" - meditation is key. When you think about it, it just makes sense. You've seen all those Indian gurus sitting with their legs folded and their hands on there knees as they chant things like, "Om namah shivaya gurava! Satchidananda murtaye, nissprapanchaya shantaya, niralambaya tejase." You think, "WEIRD!" but seriously, meditation is pretty rad.

I fell into it before I started training, and I can't say I'm a master or anything, but I really love it and it makes me sad when I hear people don't.

Everyone in the western world screams that you should go see some stupid over priced doctor and lie on their couch so they can analyze you when all you need to do is find a quiet place in your own house and analyze yourself. You have a better chance of figuring it out. Why? Because you know you the best regardless of what you think - letting someone else tell you what's wrong will only add confusion to your life. That voice you hear in the back of your head, that's the voice you should be listening too.

Some call it your intuition or your psychic side - I don't care what you call it, it's there for a reason. With that voice and you being honest about yourself you'll achieve more in a month of FREE meditation than you will by having someone tell you what they think you are.

Just go back to high school or hell, go out in public - I'm sure someone is there just WAITING to slap a label on your ass and call you stupid.

Since late July when I started meditating I've begun to sleep more and better. Smile more. Feel whole as a person and I can look myself in the face.

That may sound weird, like I have a reason to avoid things - but I'm female and anyone out there knows that after seeing hours and hours of overly made up, air brushed, liposucked hollywood women you suddenly feel like you look like a ham hock on a bad day. And then add to that I'm 34 - may as well toss me to the sharks at seaworld, my purpose is over.

Those things never used to bother me. Hell, I was the one that brought all the magazines and the dvds into our house - I didn't care. It's ironic that when I weighed 30lbs more I had more confidence with my body than I do now when I eat well and stay in shape.

So looking at myself in the mirror was hard.

Sitting still for 5 minutes not moving and just contemplating life is so freaking hard it's not even funny.

I read that you should concentrate on the breath. Breathe in and breathe out = 1. Your goal is to make it to 10 without another thought sidetracking you - if one does, you start over.
For me, in the beginning it went like this:

Breathe - 1
Breathe - 2... crap, did I record - OH SHIT!
Breathe - 1
Breathe - 2
Breathe - 3 - I'm doing it! damn it!
Breathe - 1

But I've made it to 10
Hell, I've "seen" things.

My teacher always talks about the "blue light" that is the sign of enlightenment - and she's never seen it because she hates to meditate. I've seen a purple light, a purple eye, my spirit animal, my son and a bunch of stuff I couldn't explain to you if I tried.

I've cried
I've laughed at myself

And in the end I've let go.

I sleep more than 4 hours. I dream happy dreams. I smile ALL THE TIME.

I've learned to accept me for who I am. I know some people out there don't like me, but I also know that's not about ME its about them. I used to care - why don't they like me!? What did I do!? I didn't do anything. I also have recently come to terms with the fact that some people look up to me - and that is harder than having someone hate you, but cause when you're already in the wrong you can't really mess up...

But I guess that's part of being a teacher...

2009 is almost over and my life has taken a 180. A year ago I wasn't even on here...
1/13/09 is the date of my first post.
A year ago I spent more time crying than anything else.

2009 I built a wonderful foundation for the rest of my life and I have to say thank you for all that have joined me on this journey... I'm excited to see what happens next! Then I can meditate on it and make it even better!

I have to go nap now before I die...

Friday, December 11, 2009

is this thing on? hello? mom?



I think that I just grow more tired with each degree the temperature drops. By spring I should be in full hibernation, which is great, if you're a bear. But seeing that I'm not it only adds to the amount of things that are stressing me out.

I should take vitamins.

I should move to someplace that's warm.

I should NEVER move to Alaska.

Including this weekend, I only have four more weekends of class to go. Yes, the end is in sight and I am happy because I'm not much of a student. Don't get me wrong, I could sit in my yoga class circles every day of my life and discuss history, anatomy, philosophy and pose postures till the cows come home, but the whole other side is just kicking my butt.

Freak out!

I've peptalked my way into sleep deprivation and then when I am awake the only thing people want to talk to me about is Tiger Woods.

Why?

Coffee doesn't work any more. My tolerance level is so high that the delicious black substance just lulls me to a hypnotic state where I only say things in sanskrit and answer questions by folding into bizarre postures that I know will render the quiz master speechless allowing me time to flee back to bed.

Bed.

I miss my warm soft bed! DAMN IT! I MEANT TO BUY NEW PILLOWS...

I need to go now and study something. What? I'm not sure anymore.
I look at my list of homework and I've done most of it... I think
I think
my brain
brain...

crap

Thursday, December 10, 2009

DON'T BE ME!



Ever get in your own way?
Ever put yourself down before anyone else did it to you?
Ever tell yourself that you're not good enough? Smart enough?

Yes. These are the very things that surround my life.

I wake up and I chant good happy thoughts to myself - but there is always an evil little voice in the back of my head telling me just how stupid I am and how I'm going to fail and then everyone will make fun of me.

For years this has kept me from doing much of anything.

What's the point?

If I'm only going to fail than why try at all? The evidence of this is dotted across my time line with half written stories, failed business plans, trips abroad that I haven't taken and countless other item/events that look, to me, very much like the tunguska blast event of my own life.

Married at 24...
Divorced by 25...

Start a record company at 26...
It went under by 27...

Wrote a novel and sent it is to a publisher...
It was rejected so I stopped writing...

Learn by me
Learn that this is a stupid cycle I put myself on and then - do to it being a "cycle"  - it repeats.
I set myself up for failure. Alienate myself from the people who care about me. Surround myself with people who could give a rats ass and then accept it as truth and here I am again.

I hold onto all the shitty stuff and then let it become the very definition of who I am.

But who am I?

I'm not sure I can answer that, but I know what I am not. I'm not a failure and I'm not weak and I need to stop assuming thats the only thing I will be. I need to stop caring what others, especially the "others" that aren't important, to me, think.

So, don't be me.
Don't let that stupid voice in the back of your head convince you that you're not worth it because, if you believe it, it will become true. Life really is just the perception you have of it.

And that was your daily pep-talk!
As it was mine too! NOW! It's baby time! and later... I may come on here and write again!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Sunshine and Lollipops!





I've been at a lost for words on here lately. I think I'm burnt out.
I've been writing - journal, stories, lots of homework... but when I come on here (besides to have mental breakdowns about the fact I can't seem to deal with all of the changes in my life) I don't know what to say.

I'll say this.
I'm cold - but it's December and I live in Ohio. No brainer. It's cold.
Most days I'm content and happy. Yes, I'm stressed out. Yes, I worry a lot, but I'm working on it. I know I can't control the world, and that I tend to be a control freak about things in my life, but I'm so much better.

I haven't been weepy in a while. At least not in destitute. I believe that my life is a gift and that one day I'll look back and laugh at all this nonsense that I made up and push onto myself.

Sunshine and lollipops.

I started thinking about this guy I used to be friends with - actually. Here is a little something weird that's been happening in my life. Lately I'll think about someone and then there they are. Maybe not on my door step, but like I was saying - I thought of this guy and in directly I heard about him today.

I haven't heard a thing about him in months. Indirectly or otherwise.

It's also happened with random things on television.

I keep having deja vu and I don't know why. Maybe I'm supposed to go there? Maybe I'm on the right path, like those banking commercials where the client follows the big green line... maybe that's what it is, my big green line...

The only thing I do know is that, beside the dealing with the control of things I CAN'T control, I think I've also accepted the fact that I make an ass out of myself - a WHOLE BIG bunch...

Which is nice.
It's nice to embrace yourself for who you are.

I'm working on starting two business - at the same time. Thats fun.
This lack of a job has made me stop and look around. I may not be here by choice, so I can either take the time to do what I want and have the life that I want - or - I can wallow and complain.

Yes - I excel in complaining... but what the hell!

Both business are yoga related - so if you're in the market for a yoga instructor you should email me, because soon I'll be one and YOU could be my student! But then again... you may know too much to look at me and not laugh.

And I mean that in the best way ever.

I painted my  toe nails a bit ago and now my feet are like blocks of ice attached to my legs! With that I'm going to go crawl into my bed and read something.

You - stay beautiful and be true to yourself.
And then, have a wonderful night!

-A

Monday, December 7, 2009

Tainted love OM!



Upon my quest for the realization of what death is in my life, and in life in general, I've found that I don't know shit.

I don't.

I'm starting to feel like I've tripped down the rabbits hole and landed right on the Mad Hatter's table of obnoxious delights. And I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
The riddles are making my freaking head hurt and all I wish is that I could get to that field of mushrooms so I can take a few bites and forget who I am - a vacation from myself.

How nice.

I supposed its like living in the middle of nowhere you're entire life and then one day having someone drop you off on the corner of Madison and 29th in NYC and saying, "Good luck!" as they pull away from the curb.

The ying/yang pull of my life is making it hard to breath. Going from the weekend of being cloistered inside a yoga studio with other yoga students and teachers and then our release back to the screaming western world that has a television on every wall and someone yelling at you on it.

Find peace.

That was the point of my 1 year transformation of death meditation - or whatever I want to call it.

I've spent this time, these 121 days writing - searching - reading - learning - giving up - giving away - self actualizing - and on - and on - and on... and on... and right now I'm tired and light headed and confused and these mood swings are screwing with me and I hate it.

This is what I've learned:
- Humanity blows. Examples? Amanda Knox. Yes, everyone is so overly obsessed with stupid ass Tiger Woods. I say whatever to that - look at Amanda Knox. She was jealous of someone so she killed her... I'd much rather she just slept around.
Another example? If I have to hear one more person tell me that Tiger Woods is "Such an asshole for doing that to his poor wife..." I'm going to scream.
#1 - you only know PART of the story.
#2 - that part you know is from the media, and they're not really known for being totally truthful...
#3 - who the hell gives a shit? You will never meet him or her and do NOT sit there and tell me if you could sleep with a ton of hot women (or men) you wouldn't. Anyway, I'm sure he was doing the same thing before he was married.

Build a bridge and get over it. No ones perfect. That includes me and you...

- If someone says the word "god" most people freak out. What does this mean? From here on out when I'm talking about the "higher power" I'll be referring to it as "Taint" because at least then people will laugh.

I can deal with laughter.

I've spent my whole life saying I'm agnostic - I still believe that. I still AM that. I believe in something but I can't say that he looks like a big white old dude in white robes or some woodsy long haired goddess with birds on her shoulders, I believe in something bigger and it gets overly wordy to say that every damn time I talk about my belief system. So I've recently started to use the word god. I would like you to notice the small "g" - that says something all on it's own.

But  no worries, from here on out, please notice the small "t".

- The general population (in America) finds yoga to only be acceptable for women. <- this is lame.

- The general population (in America) thinks that the soul purpose yoga to have a nice ass. This is a nice side effect, I won't lie - but - there is more to it. I can't explain it, and even if I tried I'd have to refer to the higher power (aka - taint) and I'm no in the mood right now. I've had too many eyes rolled at me in the last 24 hours to speak further in this area at this time.

- People not only fear change, they think that they can trick death into never coming. Bad news world. Every relationship you ever have with any living thing will come to an end. What should you get from this? Appreciate what you have when you have it. Stop look to the past to lay blame or to the future. The story ends the same for all of us.

Its like that movie I love to hate "P.S. I love you." Say it when you're alive jackass.

Maybe if we took time to understand death we wouldn't be afraid of it. It's just that simple.

- There are a ton of women out there that can't say the word Vagina. It's a medical term AND part of your body. Really? VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGINA! (in general this is something that has always pissed me off, and I figured if I was making a list today - I may as well add it on. VAGINA.)


I'm so overly frustrated and tired at this moment it's just unreal. I wish I could properly explain to you why I'm so irritated but I can't seem to find the words and you know what? I'm angry at all of the world right now. I'm angry at those overly hippy new age morons that make yoga look like an institution for people who are more into getting high on LSD and saying stupid ass trippy things like "I can feel the cosmos in my little pinky! I'M IN MY LITTLE PINKY!" because they make it hard for the mass quantity of people to understand that it's not LIKE THAT.

Yes. I've had some trippy things happen to me since I've started this.
I'm sure you've had trippy moments in your life too.

We don't talk about stuff like that because we see it as a weakness. Let me rephrase - I DON'T talk about stuff like that because it makes me feel weak and stupid and I don't feel like having people look at me oddly.


I'm pissed off at people that won't give yoga or things that aren't 100% western, scientific or touchable, A.K.A. Skeptics, a chance. There is more to this world than assuming the title role of Doubting Thomas.

You're just as bad as the other variety that are spinning in circles and discussing peyote.


In the end I shouldn't even be on here right now. I have so much homework to do that I should be doing that, but I'm not. I'm on here venting.
I'm venting because I stopped and I looked down, even after I was told not to.
I'm venting because I stopped and looked at the finish line and realized that even in 244 days, the end is really no where in sight. And that is so daunting that it makes me sad and crazy...

I lost sight.
And I just looked at the clock and realized that I just lost an entire day too.

Isvarapranidhanad Va
or as my grandmother would say, "Let go and let god."
but in my case... I guess it's let go and let taint.

suddenly tainted love has a whole new meaning.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

omg...


it's December... that means I feel a list coming on!! I think I'm going to have to revisit all of my blogs and see what I can to truly express this past year...

Until the... I'm going to sleep.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Ever changing

I really wanted to come on here last night and write, but I didn't get
home from class till well after 11.

Yes, 1 year ago that would have been the beginning of my night, but my
intent was to rise early today with my son.

And rise early I did.

These weekends are the hardest. Back to back I'll hardly be home the
next two weekends and then during the week there is homework, life,
the other things you can't avoid.

Moments like these make it worth it. Hard moments make the pains I'm
going through are worth it because I've gone from feeling "it" to
seeing and realizing "it".

Who I am... for now. ;)

I want to say thank you to you the people reading this. Reading all of
these... If you comment or if you don't, that doesn't matter - to me
what matters is you read this at all.

You have helpped me heal
You have helpped me grow
And I really appericate it.

Have a great day!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Nice.


This has been one of those weeks. It started off at a panicked pace filled with over informing myself about the ins and outs of everything yoga I could possible put my hands on... the next day it turned into a cluster f**k of preparatory tasks that would, and will, ensure that I don't die of starvation in the up coming months... then I wrote a little, posted things on ebay, tweeted my butt off and had the joy of slowly getting sick.

We had to give my son a treatment again last night. This is how it played out:
I went to bed super freaking early because I just wanted to lie down and attempt to kick this stupid head cold that seems to want to create open sores on my nose...

...which is always ever so lovely...

...but then he started coughing.

My husband was going to sleep on the couch so that I could get a lot of rest, but when the coughing began it just spun out of control. See, the last time my boy had a bad coughing session at night he ended up in the ER the next morning and stayed over 24 hours. But for some reason just giving him a treatment was causing so many damn issues it ended up with me putting on my cold demure (aka bitch mode) and looking at my husband and saying, "Stop thinking and answer the question. Yes or no."

I'm not a fan of bitch mode, but sometimes I don't want to be the one making all the decisions. I just don't. Some nights, like nights when I feel like I've been dragged through the mud and than punched in the face for no reason - I kinda just wanna lay low.

Afterwards my son slept like an angel and we ended up talking about life and all those things we never talk about because we're too damn busy trying to keep our head above water, go to work, see friend, celebrate the holidays, write, eat, sh*t...

It was weird and nice all at the same time.

Not being much of a cuddler, it was a nice change of pace.

[Nice. People don't like that word. Its a mediocre word that suffices when real emotions can't seem to reach the proper levels to procure the words that would mean so much more - like extraordinary or magnificent or even rancid or sh*tty. (I don't know why I'm censoring today... just feel like censoring)]

It was nice having my husband, who is nearly a foot taller than me, wrap himself around my small frame.

I get lost so easily in everything.
This new life, business life included, that I'm shaping around me takes a lot of work and time. There are days I get up 2 hours before him and go to bed 2 hours after him. I play with my son, work on my yoga/writing and a few business ventures that I want to have up and running by March 2010.

So when it comes time for us to act married it's usually to the sounds of a clock ticking in our ears because we have to be somewhere, or do something really soon - so get the damn pants off and lets get going!

[You know... nice isn't a bad word.
It's like hot coco with extra marshmallows.
It's like warm rain on a hot and humid day.
It's what keeps all of us going until the next moment that's so nice we walk around with a smile pasted on our faces as we shop for food.]

It's very easy to say "I love you" everyday, but it's not that easy to mean it.
Especially seeing that most of us love with conditions in tow. (myself included in that)
I love the guy - I love him a lot, even if he makes me want to stand on top of the tallest mountain and pull my hair out as I'm screaming at the top of my lung about how much he pisses me off.

But it's the ying/yang of being married or in any relationship. For every perfect moment, like last night, there will be one that sucks.

For every moment that starts with coughing and frantic movements, it can end in cuddling and awesome sex. (in that order)

It's already Friday, and when I'm done on here I have to go shower, clean the house, make food for the pot luck dinner class I'm going to tonight all before I see my husband and my son for 20 minutes today.

There's always some shit there to muck up what's important.

Next time you see what's important - tell them you love them and mean it.
Everything else will be there when you're done.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

just another day........


I think I'm getting sick.
What does that mean? It means that my glands are swollen and I've been wicked tired for the last 4 days with no good reason (no I'm not pregnant). Then today my throat is iffy, my nose suddenly is sore and feels clogged even though it's not...

I don't want to be sick! I have class the next TWO WEEKENDS!

Seriously. Bad timing.

But I'm not going to try to let it get the better of me. If I did then I'd have no time to do all that I need to do. (I should look at my "to do" list and see what those things are...)

I'm just swinging by here. My sons asleep and I have to get some yogi stuff into play. Meditation, etc.

I'm happy to report that I am still doing the whole "death meditation" even if it's mostly in my personal journal these days. And I recommend it to you.

Maybe I'll make a list later... hmm... or maybe I'll sleep. :)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Conscience...


Do you think that people can change?
I ask myself this question all the time. (mostly because I've been working so hard on changing my life...) But it's this weird riddle - changing yourself. Some can see it as a negative thing, but I'm not trying for a negative change, not in the least. I'm trying to do something with this gift I call my life.

So, back to the question. CAN PEOPLE CHANGE?!
Maybe its not that they're changing, but maybe it's that who they choose to show you now, a part of them that was always there. [insert onion metaphor here]
I find those layers in myself. I find myself working on projects these days that I remember having great interest in 10-15 years ago.

I stopped because I didn't think it was what I was supposed to be doing, but right now all signs point to "yes". Does that mean I'm not the same person I was a year ago or five?

Too many rules I tell you! Too many god damn rules laid out by the "thems" and the "theys" and I followed them blindly into traffic.

I've always been the "weird one" - yup, that's me. Freaking out of my gourde most days of the week - but that's who I am. I was so afraid "they" wouldn't like it that I tried to suppress it so I wouldn't end up alone, but the alone I was afraid of I've already ended up.

Yes. Abandonment issues are like chocolate chip cookies to the milk of my core.

That's a lie. It's ironic... this year that I "lost" all my friends I'm sending out 4x the amount of Christmas cards I normally  do. I'm happier. I smile more - I write obscure blogs about nothing for hours and hours and hours...

:)

That old proverb about the less you have the more you have - it's true. You just have to believe.

Just like in people. You have to believe that they can change. But you also have to realize that just because YOU want them to change doesn't mean that they will - they have to want it.

Like smoking or a bad relationship. You can't quit until you're ready to, or you'll just keep going back.

You want to know the truth world? All those things you were told as a child, they were true. You can do anything, you can be anyone and if you want to... you should. If you tell yourself you're going to be something and keep telling yourself that, you up the chances by 50%.

If you look for the silver lining you'll find it.

If you look for all the faults in a person or in the world, you'll find that too. And where the hell is the fun in that?

People can change
You can have your dreams
The world is your oyster
and listening to those people who tell you that I'm wrong and that you/they can't - they're the problem.

You may not know me
But you do
I'm that voice in your head that makes you work your butt off
I'm that little bit of gusto that keeps you moving when you think, for a moment, it's not wroth it.

I'm your conscience.

So I tell you. If you think you can't - I say and I know for a FACT you can.
If you don't believe in you - I do, until you can again. I have your back, I promise.
You can do it, you can make a dent

So stop reading this and go do that thing you will one day be famous for and when you get there - look at that person who asks for your advice and tell them they can do it to.