Sunday, December 20, 2009

How will I know?!!! OOOO HOW WILL I KNOOOOOW!!!



Welcome to the holidays, a time when it really doesn't matter much you don't want to, you're going to think about people you haven't seen in years and wonder how they're doing.

The stress of school is very apparent in my life these days, but with a one year old and the holidays only a few days away, I really don't have time to worry about it.

Maybe that's a good thing.

I've attempted to embrace this holiday season. Listen to Christmas music, decorate, the normal little things we all do, but part of me isn't there. Part of me still wants to ignore this sentimental time of the year and scream that we should be like this year round an not just one snowy night in the middle of winter... (ok - so it's only day 4 of winter, but you get my drift)
I just don't want to face things - I don't want to face missing people that I can't get a hold of.

My new found freedom of not being 100% broken is wonderful, and I don't want 48 hours of holiday hodgepodge to ruin that - even though part of me is betting that it can't be helped. I am to feel sad that I can't be around all of those I've ever loved....

So tell me. How do you tell someone you miss them when you know you can't be the one that starts the conversation?

Yes, it sounds immature, but we've all been there so you know what I'm saying.

That stupid inner voice I've been paying a lot of attention to keeps telling me to just let it go, to have faith that if the friendship is meant to be at all I have to trust that time will heal all wounds. It's logical and very intelligent advice - but patience hasn't been my strong suit...

So, once again (in Whitney Houston style) how will I know?  (the rest of the song isn't really relevant but I did this sweet talent show dance to that song when I was in 4th grade and to this day I still find myself singing that song in my head...)

Who knows that I ever will - that's a rather faithless comment isn't it?  Hmm... today I'll work on that.

Time to shower and enter the real world. The world that poops on the floor when you take it's diaper off. The world that tells me I'm behind on the water bill...

See, in the end I won't have time to think about things - sorry Whitney, guess I'll never know...

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