Thursday, December 17, 2009

I want! I want! I want! ME! ME! ME!


Today I take the next step. I am offically healed. No, not because
it's been a year but because I can feel it in my soul.
It came to me last night as I was laying on my couch. The covers piled
high to combat the draft that dances around my front window. I had
been reading and then I was writing on my journal. My mind kept
trailing to how I should meditate because I love it but how I always
find reasons to avoid it.
It's too late.
It's too early.
I'm too tired.
I'm too distracted.
The house is on fire.
(I used to know a kid that would say his dog was on fire when he
didn't want to talk on the phone. It still makes me laugh due to how
random it is)
So in the end I didn't sit with my spine "errect like an attena to the
heavens" I just pulled those covers up to my chin and drapped my sweat
shirt over my eye (attempting to block out the Christmas lights next
door) and let my mind wander.
"tell me mind, will I ever not hurt? Will it ever be time?"
And my mind said, "Yes. Now." and then it said something no one wants
to hear or have assoicated with them, "you've been selfish long enough."
Wait... What?! I'm healing! Not being selfish! WTF?
But my mind was right.
I've been healed for a while but I slipped on that slope and fell on
myself. My new comfort was being hurt and scared and not knowing - my
misery is where I have felt safe and my attempt to fix that led to a
parade of ME! ME! ME!
So here I am. I've stood out front for a year yelling "Look at me! I'm
hurt! Love me!" and now it's time for me to return the favor.
To you
To my husband & son
To the world in general
Today is December 17th 2009
I'm 34 years old
And I'm a lot of things
But in the end I'm just me
Regardless, I'm ready to smile
And I'm ready to laugh
And I thank all of you for being there for me, it means more to me
than you will ever really know.
I have grown to love how life unfolds before me. Each time I looks at
me as to say, "Can we move on now?"
And each time I reply... Yes.

2 comments:

  1. Sorry I can't talk right now, my dog is on fire...

    LOL! I can actually imagine someone doing that. I may have to store that one in memory next time I get an unpleasant phone call.

    On a more serious note...

    I believe that if we all truly looked at ourselves, we would see that we all have the exact "Look at Me!" attitude. We are all selfish, some of us are just too proud (or blind) to admit it.

    I'm glad to know that you are healed and ready to move on.

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  2. It was always one of my favorite things. I would laugh, or if I heard hesitation in his voice I would say, "I know... you're dog's on fire."

    I always loved that dog...

    I agree, we all have that attitude, we are all human and that says a lot. BUT I like to keep it in check. I figure there are enough jerks out there that striving to be one that isn't is a positive thing.

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