Monday, December 14, 2009

Meditate on this!! SHAZAM!

I promised myself on Saturday night that today I'd spend the day in bed.

Seeing that I can't seem to sleep, I don't see the point!

Stupid brain...

I only have 3 more weekends of yoga training to go. In a little over 2 months I'll be an official Yoga Instructor. What does that mean? You should take a class from me. (TAKE A CLASS FROM ME!)

Last night, as I was fake sleeping in bed, I had all these great thoughts running through my head. I was blogging away in my minds eye as I thought about how I should get my ass out of bed and just blog. (or go by the effin laptop so I can blog in bed. Maybe I should go do that right now...)
But what I was thinking about was meditation.

This is something that comes up a lot in my class. It's part of being a "yogi" - meditation is key. When you think about it, it just makes sense. You've seen all those Indian gurus sitting with their legs folded and their hands on there knees as they chant things like, "Om namah shivaya gurava! Satchidananda murtaye, nissprapanchaya shantaya, niralambaya tejase." You think, "WEIRD!" but seriously, meditation is pretty rad.

I fell into it before I started training, and I can't say I'm a master or anything, but I really love it and it makes me sad when I hear people don't.

Everyone in the western world screams that you should go see some stupid over priced doctor and lie on their couch so they can analyze you when all you need to do is find a quiet place in your own house and analyze yourself. You have a better chance of figuring it out. Why? Because you know you the best regardless of what you think - letting someone else tell you what's wrong will only add confusion to your life. That voice you hear in the back of your head, that's the voice you should be listening too.

Some call it your intuition or your psychic side - I don't care what you call it, it's there for a reason. With that voice and you being honest about yourself you'll achieve more in a month of FREE meditation than you will by having someone tell you what they think you are.

Just go back to high school or hell, go out in public - I'm sure someone is there just WAITING to slap a label on your ass and call you stupid.

Since late July when I started meditating I've begun to sleep more and better. Smile more. Feel whole as a person and I can look myself in the face.

That may sound weird, like I have a reason to avoid things - but I'm female and anyone out there knows that after seeing hours and hours of overly made up, air brushed, liposucked hollywood women you suddenly feel like you look like a ham hock on a bad day. And then add to that I'm 34 - may as well toss me to the sharks at seaworld, my purpose is over.

Those things never used to bother me. Hell, I was the one that brought all the magazines and the dvds into our house - I didn't care. It's ironic that when I weighed 30lbs more I had more confidence with my body than I do now when I eat well and stay in shape.

So looking at myself in the mirror was hard.

Sitting still for 5 minutes not moving and just contemplating life is so freaking hard it's not even funny.

I read that you should concentrate on the breath. Breathe in and breathe out = 1. Your goal is to make it to 10 without another thought sidetracking you - if one does, you start over.
For me, in the beginning it went like this:

Breathe - 1
Breathe - 2... crap, did I record - OH SHIT!
Breathe - 1
Breathe - 2
Breathe - 3 - I'm doing it! damn it!
Breathe - 1

But I've made it to 10
Hell, I've "seen" things.

My teacher always talks about the "blue light" that is the sign of enlightenment - and she's never seen it because she hates to meditate. I've seen a purple light, a purple eye, my spirit animal, my son and a bunch of stuff I couldn't explain to you if I tried.

I've cried
I've laughed at myself

And in the end I've let go.

I sleep more than 4 hours. I dream happy dreams. I smile ALL THE TIME.

I've learned to accept me for who I am. I know some people out there don't like me, but I also know that's not about ME its about them. I used to care - why don't they like me!? What did I do!? I didn't do anything. I also have recently come to terms with the fact that some people look up to me - and that is harder than having someone hate you, but cause when you're already in the wrong you can't really mess up...

But I guess that's part of being a teacher...

2009 is almost over and my life has taken a 180. A year ago I wasn't even on here...
1/13/09 is the date of my first post.
A year ago I spent more time crying than anything else.

2009 I built a wonderful foundation for the rest of my life and I have to say thank you for all that have joined me on this journey... I'm excited to see what happens next! Then I can meditate on it and make it even better!

I have to go nap now before I die...