Sunday, December 26, 2010

Confidence is Key.

Having issues with my body my entire life, this is a topic I'm very well versed in. Some like to blame the media for processing images of females in a certain light that allows self doubt to fill young (and old) minds, forcing us to believe we are not good enough or pretty enough to be well liked.

I'm not alone in this slippery road of doubt. I have had many female friends and even male friends, that do nothing be put themselves down because they don't look like some body double that most people don't even realize is being used for the movie they just watched. (or the large amount of air brushing that has gone into all those images we see out there.)

Yes, over the years people have yelled and screamed about how it's unfair and that real woman, blah, blah, blah - but it goes both ways. Suddenly the people who are "hated" because they're not a perfect size 0 are making fun of the ones that are telling those woman they're not "real."

But we are all real.

Having a good body image is the foundation of having a good relationship with yourself. Being able to be naked by yourself out side of a bathing scenario is important too. There is nothing wrong with thing you're beautiful - just as you are.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I just read an article about having "self-esteem" about your body image and it just keeps bringing me back to this quote I heard last week. "In my day we didn't have self-esteem, we had self respect." I can't remember who said it, but if you're out there obsessing about your body (like I do ALL the freaking time) have a little self respect. You're probably way more than worth it. I know I am, yet I torture myself, even though I know I'm underweight.

Most days I love me. I really do like my body and I find the older I get the easier it is for me to love myself. When I was young I looked at medical operations that I could get one day so that I too would be "beautiful." I even told myself that I would marry the first guy that told me I was beautiful - I'm glad I didn't but I do remember the first man who told me I was beautiful, not "cute" or "adorable"  because I'm not a puppy, but beautiful. And in the next six months I had 3 other guys tell me the same thing.

Yes, that was the year I learned about how guys will call you beautiful if they think it'll help them remove yoru pants....

I'm 35 and still borderline naive. This used to bother me but then I realized it wasn't a bad thing because what we see in the world - the hate and anger and ill intention - is a bi-product of who we are. It's a reflection of how we see things. I don't look to people to tell them things to get my way - so when people do that to me I don't see it. Some can say this makes me less than intelligent but I'd rather not be well versed in the subtleties of manipulation, I'm to tired to waste what little time I have on screwing with someone to have them do what I want.

No - I'll stick with naive.
Naive with a side of self doubt - but I don't worry about that either these days because I know I'll succeed. As long as I work hard and stay true to myself I can do anything, I can succeed.

One day I will, I'll achieve all the things I want in this short life. I'll be published - as a novelist. I'll have a photography showing. I'll write, play and sing music - live - again. And most of all I'll stand naked in front of myself and I'll think, "hot damn, I'm beautiful."

because i am.

Confidence is key
have faith

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I love music! I really, REALLY love music.I do :)

I love music, but I'm sure you may know that if you've read my blogs more than just this once - if not - I love music. It's the greatest invention of man. It is a ball of everything and it makes you smile and it makes you cry and it makes you so damn giddy that all you can do is smile and smile and smile over and over and over.

I was in a bad mood all morning and then I just started listening to some great tunes and now I'm just a thousand smiles and how can I not be? I have the coolest kid as a son - a pretty rad husband - it's TUESDAY and in 4 days its CHRISTMAS!! Then 2011 is coming at us next and that is just another thing that should make us all smile. Why?

Every day is a second chance.
Every new year is a new life.



I can't wait for the world and why should I wait? It's right there for me to look at and yes, there are things that suck and there are terrible things just lurking in the shadows, but if you look at life like that... why lurk?

How can you not love the honesty of a great song? How the lyrics roll over time signatures, flat and sharp notes, break downs, bridges and harmonies. How can you not love something that is about as simple as breathing.

Find something you love, right now, for me. Find something you love even if you can't touch it - bring it to your mind and I don't care if it's an object, person - a noun or a verb - love it. Love it for this moment in honest just. Don't expect, don't attach, don't relate - just think about how you love it, them, that thing.

I could sit for hours and do nothing but listen to music.
That and read.
Read, write, listen, play, cook and eat - add some travel and that is the best life I could hope for. Then taking all of that and grabbing the coolest kid ever and my rad husband.... awesome.




Monday, December 20, 2010


I've come to the conclusion I know nothing
I came to this conclusion years ago
but every time I think I'm figuring it out
I'm wrong

And it's not like I'm an imbecile
I can function properly with the best of them
but still
I know very little when it comes to humankind

How can I when even they don't

how fluid like water we are
rolling in and out of situations
molding to form
becoming slightly stagnate
then rushing right by

How can you know what form water will take
when you don't know where its

I've stood corrected so many times
I stand corrected right now
or maybe I'm just baffled

I'm something

I'm tired

I know nothing because there is nothing really to know
it is what it is
and I can only keep rolling
I too may mold at each nook
at each turn

but I can't sit
I won't become stagnate
and if that means there are things I'll never understand
than, I guess thats just how it's meant to be.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Oh time, how you hate me.

I'm having one of those days where I should be doing about 100 other things but my mind is being drawn in the wrong - very nonproductive - other direction.

What does that mean?

It means that I've come here to run away and hide from thoughts I wish not to have and responsibilities that will be there when I'm done with this (and when my pizza comes out of the oven in 8 minutes)

Life is rather easy. Honestly it is - but there are times when I just get so wrapped up inside my head that the only thing I want to do is eat, cry, sleep and then eat some more. Seeing that I have no food in the house the eating is out and that I run with a wild two year old - crying and sleeping are things that need to be scheduled in. Don't get me wrong - I'm not some overly depressed waif humming and hawing over the trivialities of life, its just sometimes I feel like I can't do all that needs to be done and I kinda lose it.

But who doesn't?

When it snows like it has been and all of those convoluted feelings seem to become even more pressed into me... well it's not pretty. Not even a little.

So what the hell is the purpose of this whole thing? This LIFE we all cling to day in and out? Why do we hold onto people we no longer associate with and let their memories hurt us? Why do we insist we need to "reward" ourselves with foods treats that we know will only hurt us over time?

Why do we have to be so damn human?

Humanity is the bitter pill - just in general and over all. Humanity is the reason we are what we are and we do what we do, because we're all prone to fuck up.

It's okay.

These are the things I tell myself when I'm feeling less than accomplished at the end of the day, but I know in my heart it will get done. I think the thing that has been bothering me the most is that I haven't had time to write. Between work, packing, starting a business, my son and husband my book has taken back seat and it makes me very, very sad.

One more day, right? One more day closer to being able to finish it... one more day till I get to see my five little fictional friends again and determine what will happen in their lives next...

The pizza is calling.

talk soon

Friday, December 3, 2010

How to be a sneaky blogging thief!

Well, I came on here to write and then I did so, and then I hit the wrong button and it all went away. Yes... technically errors just adding another level of 'UGH' to a week of 'BLURG!'

I've neglected this lovely blog of mine and I do miss it. I feel she is a great friend and sometimes life gets in the way and you neglect your great friends. This is a terrible thing, but it's true. 

The last time I came on here I posted about how I was going to keep writing things that I'm grateful for and then after Thanksgiving I found myself just keeping my grateful list "in house" meaning they're locked away inside my journal. I write in my journal every day, some times two times a day, and I find in hard times - such as these - it helps me keep my head on straight and to keep going. 

It helps me to change the perspective I have in my life, because while you can't change the world around you (all the time) you can change your perspective. That is for sure. 

So what does this have to do with me being a thief? Well, I didn't actually go out and take another man's blog and call it my own - but I am taking an idea from it. A friend of mine write a blog called Confessions of a Lazy Scribe and yesterday he posted a list of 25 things about him. I found that I could relate to a lot of things on his list so I thought I'd do my own. (also this blog pretty much is an all about "me" fest, so it just makes sense to list things about ME!)

So here you go:

25 Things you may not all ready know about me:

  1. When I was a child my fear of heights was so bad that I couldn't step up one rung on a ladder. When I was in high school I decided this was unacceptable and made a friend of mine take me into the catwalks of our high school stage. It was terrifying but I was proud of myself for doing it. When I finally climbed down (climbing down is the worst part about heights) I found out the catwalks were original to the school - meaning they were over 40 years old. I never went up again out of fear the decrepit wool would give and kill me - a lot. 
  2. Five years ago one of my husbands friends asked me if I ran or exercised. I told him the only way I ran was if someone was chasing me. - I now work out daily and by workout I mean practice asasna of yoga.
  3. I write every day. Either blogging, journaling, working on my book, writing poems or music. I write every day because if I don't I feel like I've failed. 
  4. I care way too much about what others think about me. Almost every single life altering mistake I've made has happened because I refused to listen to that little voice in my head and the feeling in my gut because I was scared if I didn't do it no one would like me. 
  5. I have really bad self esteem. It's the reason I joke about everything - I hide behind humor. I hide behind sarcasm. Because when I do that I feel like no one can tell that I'm shaking inside. 
  6. I give myself pep talks every day and let me tell you it's beginning to work. It's taking a long time but I'm much more stable than I used to be. I don't fall back into bad habits as I once did. If I do, it's conscious at this point. Yes - some days I choose to make bad choices, but don't we all?
  7. I started smoking when I was 13 with one of my girlfriends I play basket ball with. We'd wait till after practice and hide behind the gym and smoke. That's more than half my life of smoking and more than half my life of trying to quit. Then one day I met my son and I went from a pack a day to 1 a month - maybe. 
  8. I've always loved to drink but never really got drunk until I was in my mid-to late 20's. Outside of that I've never really done much else and never wanted to. I was put on strong pain killers for a wrist surgery I had when I was 16 and found that I like them too much and cut myself off. If you see me taking pain killers there has to be something super wrong because I really don't like the idea of dependency. 
  9. I no longer like to drink. When I do it's rare and its normally with the people I used to drink with. When I spend time with my other friends I have coffee, tea or water. (and the coffee and tea are decaf)
  11. If I could own 2 archers of land and house and a horse I would in a second.
  12. I can't spell to save my life. 
  13. <- this is my favorite number because it was my due date. I was due October 13th. How rad would that have been?
  14. I like to drive and I like to drive fast. 
  15. I like Small Faces but I can't stand Rod Stewarts solo work. He makes me want to pull my hair out. I don't know why - he just does.
  16. I like to quote Television shows, the only problem with this is that I don't watch shows my friends and family like and I never have so no one ever knows what I'm talking about. 
  17. I love social media - all of it! Facebook, blogging, twitter, four square, you name it - I think it's awesome. And I don't understand people who don't like computers and social media. It just confuses me.
  18. I LOVE meeting new people! And I don't care who they are. Old,  young, big, small, rich or poor - I think every person you meet can give you a little insight to life you may have missed out on.
  19. I like to be awake when the worlds asleep because there is a lot to learn from silence
  20. I don't like talking on the phone. I will but I'd rather talk face face. 
  21. I want to travel around the world with my son and husband. I want to save up a bunch of money and just go and never look back. 
  22. When I was little I wanted to join the Navy and become a fighter pilot. I wanted to fly the f-18 Hornet or the f-15 Eagle and then I discovered the SR-71 Blackbird and I fell in love. In 1991 when the Air Force decommissioned the plane I sat on my bed talking on the phone to my friend Gilbert (really his name) crying. 
  23. I gave up on the military career when I found out I would never be able to fly fighter jets because of my eyes and my gender (it was the 80s) and that is when my love of Russia began, because they allowed woman to fight in the military. We now do that - but when I was little woman didn't fight, not like they do now. 
  24. I think that Russia is one of the most fascinating countries out there. I think their history is outstanding from their origins with the Vikings to the fact the named themselves the Third Rome (after Rome and the Byzantine empire) then to their adoption of Communism and embracing athismn. That's just a few things. I could talk about Russia for hours. 
  25. I believe in ghosts because I've seen them.
Now I'm off! Time to write and clean and shower and change and all in the next hour and a half!! Tell someone you love them today and be grateful for all the adventures in your life!


Monday, November 22, 2010

I'm grateful for Facebook

For the last 22 days on Facebook I have attempted to start my day by posting a status that list something I'm grateful for. This had become increasingly hard, the longer the month grows I find myself lost at 5:30am without a thankful thought to be seen. Now, don't get me wrong, there are many things I'm grateful for like people in my life, people who aren't in my life, memories, anticipated future happenings and a thousand other things all the way down the aglet on the end of our shoelaces because I like to say that word - aglet.

So I'm upping the ante on this little daily practice of gratitude. First, I'm not stopping until the end of 2010 and second I'm going to try to be more honest, because lets face it - when it's on a website dedicated to connecting people (some of whom you haven't seen in 15-20 years) we may bend the truth just a little bit or say we're grateful for thing we really don't care about.

I can't say that I've gone as far as to manufacture things to like, love, be grateful for, etc - but there are days I didn't really try. (I'm thankful for poppycock)

I am human after all. Subject to change without warning all because of a little internal voice I choose to quiet though yoga and meditation. And when I don't practice on my mat and I don't meditate for over a week - that voice comes back with a vengeance. I'm not a fan of this voice, but over the last few years it's gotten quiet and when it suggests I do something stupid my other voice says, "Think we'll skip that. Didn't you want to dig out that copy of Dune? OH! COCONUT ICE CREAM!"

With that said, even though I posted things I'm grateful for today I'm going to post on here too to get this more honest thankful ball rolling.


-I'm thankful that I'm 35 because at 35 I can look myself in the mirror without a ton of makeup and still think I'm pretty.

-I'm thankful for farting, because it's funny even if it is tacky and smells bad - it's funny.


-I'm thankful that I convinced myself at a young age I'd never get married and forced myself to learn about all sorts of things like cooking, basic automotive care, and haggling just to name a few. And why does that have anything to do with being single or married? Because I felt if you planned on getting married you only had to know half, then the person you were with would know the other. [What can I say, I was 7.]

Being thankful for what you have and who you are is only half of what life is - being honest is the other. If you are willing to lie to yourself about stupid things like vanity weight and ego - than you're probably willing to lie about other things. A lie is a lie is a lie. White lies included. If your friend looks bad in a dress she tries on, be tactful and tell her because you know you wouldn't want your friend to lie to you.

When you sit down this week and celebrate this American Holiday of Thanksgiving - if you choose to say something you're thankful for - be honest. If you're only thankful that the stuffing doesn't have celery in it, say that, because making up a pile of things that sound as if they should be in some Gerard Butler, Hilary Swank vehicle - you need to remember that was written by a writer - it's not real.

Love. Truth. Honesty. Faith. Self-approval. = Freedom.

What are you thankful for? Oh, one more. I'm thankful that you read this. :)

Friday, November 19, 2010

Passion (it's not just a fruit)

Time is moving so fast these days I'm not sure what to make of it. I looked at receipt dated last month and for a split second I thought it was last year. This has happened to me more than once lately, for some reason I think it's 2011... like it's not going fast enough, now I have to miss an entire year!

You can see that I haven't been on here lately, actually I'm not sure, maybe I have been. I forgot to schedule blogging time. Who forgets to schedule blogging time?! That's what madness looks like!

I've just been doing a lot lately. Trying to figure out how to drum up business because I've gone from a bunch of students to no students again and I'm still writing, in the morning - honestly I should be in bed so I can get my ass up to write in a few hours - and on top of that I'm starting an online business.

Between dirty diapers, cleaning the house, packing, selling things on craigs list, everything I listed above, and all added to the normal everyday joy of things like - paying bills, battling AT&T (who can't seem to call me back), cooking, playing and what ever else one does in a day - I'm a bit fried.

Yet still, there are those moments I have to myself. Moments when I'm playing or driving or showering when I can't be reached by phone (or choose not to be) and the computer is in the other room, and in those moments I think too much about things - about everything. Today was no different.

Today's topic was passion.

About two years ago I finally saw High Fidelity - the 2000 John Cusack film that was adapted from the Nick Hornby book of the same name.  If you're a fan I'm sure you're thinking what everyone else kept telling me for all those years, "I can't believe you say you like to read and you love movies and you've never read or seen High Fidelity!"and like I would say to everyone, "My husband saw it and didn't much care for it, so I'm taking his word."

Then I was pregnant for 2.8 BILLION years, and in that down time I found myself watching things and reading things I had said I'd never watch/read.

Enter High Fidelity.

The story of a down and out bloke in London who didn't finish university, but instead opened a record shop and moved in with his woman. Then he had a big ass pity party for himself because it wasn't what he thought it should be - then he cheated on his woman (who was pregnant at the time - I don't think he knew that). And then... her father died. So they screw in a car and he decides it's okay. All those things that bothered him, the lack of passion he had for his life, that was okay - because in real life comfort is comfortable and settling is fine and passion is something that only exists in your head.

Now - I didn't hate either of these items. In the movie Jack Black was brilliant. And I've read other Nick Hornby books, well I read one. "About a Boy."

My issues is with the end of this book and I've had this conversation with my husband since watching it on several occasions. My issues is with saying that giving up and giving in is okay - because that is what I feel Rob Gordon (John Cusack's character) did.

Moving on to my revelation about passion!

So there I am sitting behind the desk at my work, staring at my journal, thinking about all the things I need to do before this week hits me - because it's Turkey time - and this book pops into my head. In general I haven't had a conversation about this topic, if it comes up I tend to say it was "OK" and I'm glad "YOU LIKE IT" but it wasn't my favorite thing out there - but this is my issue, and it's the same issue I have with a lot of things - the lack of passion.

Why wouldn't you want to be passionate about the things in your life? Am I built wrong? Is that the wrong answer? I want passion and I don't care about all the side-effects because I'd rather have it coursing though my veins then just being an almost able body floating through life doing what is comfortable. And this isn't a "sex" thing - which is a clear undertone in this book. He's dispassionate about life so he goes looking for it via an affair... It's a everything thing. I'm passionate about some of the most ridiculous things and I know it bothers people, but you know what? That's not my problem. If someone else's drive and passion bothers you, please go sit someplace quiet and figure out what's really bothering you.

The older I get the more people I look at and all I see is defeat. Why? It's only over when you're dead - and who knows?! Maybe it's not even over then!

Mark Twain said, "Most men die at 27, we just bury them at 72."

That statement is funny because it's true. You read it and someone pops into your head and then you shake your head to dislodge the image.

I have this cat. Soon he won't be mine anymore. When I found out that a new home had been found for him I was sad. I've had the cat since birth. I remember when his mama was pregnant. It's been a long time - maybe six years.

Then last night, after I said I couldn't part with him, he came up to me and rubbed against my leg and I yelled, "Come on! Will you go away." And then I felt like crap. He just wants to be loved. He has that chance, his new home will be with a senior who is pretty much at home all day ever day. She'll pet him and feed him and love him, but my selfish side doesn't want that because it's not me.

We do this in life. We cling to people even after time is up and we should be kind enough to let them be loved someplace else. We cling to a memory of what was. We sacrifice ourselves and their lives to be comfortable - knowing we'll never have to try because everyone is so tired it doesn't matter.

It's easier for me to yell at the cat and keep him here than to let him go because I'll miss him. And it's easier to stay with the wrong person because you are comfortable with the patterns you have chiseled out of time than to start anew and find someone who will spark that passion. (or stay with the same old job, etc.)

Passion isn't a bad thing. It isn't something to be feared. If you've had it in your life before and now you've just let it settle right under your skin because of life's little complications - bring it back out. It makes the sun warmer during the day and the moon bright at night. It makes the honeysuckle smell sweeter in the spring and the crispness of fall prickle at your nose. It makes you stay up for too many hours working yourself thin when you know you should be sleeping and it fills you more completely than anything thanksgiving meal ever could.

Settling is what you do in court when you don't want your good name dragged through the mud. It's not what you do in your life, in your love, in your soul.

Be passionate about something.
Be alive.

It all moves so very fast and you won't be anything anymore.
Make them remember you, even for a moment, because you were the one so filled with life you're passion become contagious.

Don't settle.
you're just wasting you.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Yes. It's rendered me mad.

When you wake up one morning and decided that it's all or nothing, suddenly things begin to change in your life. You look around and start to see the possibilities in your life rather than the limitations - this is one of the many things I tell myself daily!

Yes - there is one thing standing in between us and our move to sunny Los Angeles California and that is money. Who, pray tell, decided money should exist?? I want to know this (I'm assuming it was those damn Romans) because when I build my time machine (to hell with your science Stephen Hawking & you're "we can only move forward" crap) I will be heading back in time and kicking the el crap-o out of the dude. And let's face it... it was a man. Not being sexist, just attune to history is all.

Maybe I should hit the old "wikipedia" to find out what they have to say on the subject... Looks like it wasn't the Romans! But you did nothing to stop it, so you're on the list too my friends. It was a pre-Greek civilisation called the Phoneicia. They started with trading and then realized carrying cattle with you was just a bit too cumbersome... hm... I admire your ingenuity but still. But still... They also invented the alphabet that the Greeks adopted and that we later adopted - seeing that I'm a big fan of the alphabet I can't be all mad at them, but STILL! COME ON!

[here is another site on the Phoneicia if you're all anti-wiki.]

Moving on. So this push for money has led me to cleaning and preparing to sell everything that I can give to lose and you know what I've come to realize? No one should ever give me money and say, "Get whatever you want!" Because that means, "Seriously, go buy some crap you'll never look at again and put it in your basement/attic/bedroom closet." Really, do I NEED all of this crap??

Between that and working (aka - teaching yoga) and making the eye pillows (you should buuuy sommmeee!) and I just recorded a yoga nidra CD and I'm going to be doing a few more and then some guided meditation. All of that plus, packing, being a mom/wife and trying to journal and meditate... my writing has come to a near halt.



I have sat down this morning and written out a play by play plan on how I'm going to do all of the stuff I need to do. All of it will be done. It will. Including the book. YOU WILL NOT... I'll stop with the caps, but I'm going to do this. And why? Because I'm sick and tired of giving up on things because it gets a little hard. That is the summation of my life. Too hard? Who cares! Just sit on your butt and do nothing.

Take on so much I just shut down. OVER! You will not, I repeat, WILL NOT get me to quit this time. You and your sly way of convincing me that I deserve to watch 14+ hours a TV a week. That is a punishment! That is the crime! SO IT IS OVER!

Just like this blog is! Because this was just a stop in my crazy day of selling stuff on the old Craig's List. Plus I need to write. How else am I going to be a writer? Exactly.

I'll just spell it out: Finish book -> Move to L.A. -> Have book do famously -> Use fortune to hire scientists to figure out the whole backward "time travel" thing -> Go back to 1500 BC -> Berate the Phoneicians for trading and later creating money.

Then - nap.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Wishing, hoping and dreaming....

Do you think there is a website out there where you can go make a wish and know it will come true? Like a wishing well of the web! I'm sure there is, I haven't looked, chances are I will before I even finish this post.

I'm also sure it will cost a certain amount of money or maybe they'll suggest a donation - because one thing is for certain, when people are wishing really hard, someone else is seeing a way to profit on it. This can be good, this can be bad, but most times it ends the same.

Wishes that were never granted...

I want you to sit there and for a moment I want you to close your eyes (after your read the next portion of course). I want you to close your eyes and let the world fall away and then I want you to ask yourself what the one thing is that you would wish for?

What is that one dream you've always wanted?

I wish upon stars, numbers, auspicious dates... I've probably wished upon you one time or another. Just to see if it would work, hey, you never know - some say diamonds are a girls best friend. I say having a good luck person is just as delightful.

And I found this site (its free and I was wrong) where you can make a wish online and then find magic, potions and all the goodies for netting that dream, reeling it in and then mounting it on the walls of your life for everyone to see. But be careful. Be sure you really want your wish... So what should I wish for?
World Peace?
Mounds and mounds of vegan chocolate?!!


I wish.... (I can't tell you. Then it won't come true for sure!)

I wish and hope and dream and pray every day of my life. I complain and I get depressed and I find excuses a lot of the time too, but in the end the first half wins out. In the end I believe in my heart that everything happens for a reason, all the bad along with all the good. I believe that life is to short to get hung up on the crappy stuff - even though it's hard and I believe that my wishes will come true. Maybe not exactly how I thought they would but they do.

And I'll smile and I'll laugh and I'll be happy - because outside of writing and becoming a yoga instructor that is the only things I've ever really wanted to be.

Friday, October 29, 2010

A break!

Most days I feel that life is a beautiful thing, and today really is no different, it's just that today I'm crabby. I'm crabby because, we'll I'm not sure - mostly because I choose to be. The last two days I've just been in a little pity party mood that makes me want to only look at the negative things in this world.

What a crappy way to waste your day.

I suppose that it's stress, but the stress in my life is self induced. Not that I've headed out looking for things to be stressed about, but the things I want out of life have lead to stressful situations. Between moving across the country to writing this book, from longing to be a stay a home mom to finding more gigs as a yoga instructor. Everyday is an adventure that, after an extended mount of time, has led me to a tired plane of crabby.

I do try to look at the bright side and fine the rainbow (and even find the double rainbow - regardless of what it means) but some times the only thing you can see is about a foot in front of you and while your logical side may be telling you to shut up and just hold one because NOTHING will last forever, even this crappy feeling - you can't.

I can't.

So I'm taking a break from it all to just stop and smell the flowers because working 24/7 is just too stressful and while yes - I DO want to have my book done on time so I can progress to the next level - yet I want to be sane to enjoy it.

All of life can be work but sometimes a little play will make that work much more enjoyable and then much more productive.

This weekend is Halloween and my son will be a horse/cowboy (without legs - it was a cheap costume, but he seems to like it a lot). And tomorrow I'm going to a grownup party where I'll be child free for one night - which rarely happens any more. But for now I must go play "tickle the toddler" before we eat lunch and I need to stop looking at the deadlines like execution dates and know that everything will happen if I'm in a good mood or bad - so I may as well be in a good mood or otherwise I'm just going to have a crappy time.

And who the hell wants that?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Rolling on

the affair I've been having with myself as of late has been wonderful, but alas, like all wonderful things this too much come to an end. Now... what does that mean?
Time to make the cuts. I really wanted to have my second draft done by the end of this month but due to some issue - mostly illness - I've fallen behind (and due to the how lazy I allowed myself to be for no reason, it's gotten worse) and that means I need to save the few words I have for the second draft...

I'm sure I'll come on here and vent at some point.
Tell you how I'm listening to The Morning Benders and how I have yet to hear Jenny & Johnny. Or maybe by the next post I'll some how be really into metal... you never know. I DID used to listen to Ministry... youth...

But it's for the better good because what it comes down to is this. Life. I talk about it often. In depth and off the cusp of whatever emotion I'm riding that day, but here is my lesson for the week. (and now I'm passing it on to you)

Sometimes we use changing the current moment as an excuse not to do the things we truly want to. We say things like, "But then I can't go see the game," or "But if I don't get a full 8 hours of sleep I'll be a wreck." We obsess on the things we feel we're going to lose. Moments in time that will pass by so quickly chances are we won't remember them - because you can't remember them all in the end, it's impossible.


It's a gamble and most days I'm not much of a gambling women, but in this I will be. Sacrificing today in order to have the tomorrow I want and the tomorrow I know I deserve I will give up writing on here all the time, I will give up television, I will write in the morning and in the afternoon and again at night. I will not go out more than once a month. I will work my butt off to finish this book - and that means this draft and how ever many I need to make it perfect, all the queries, the rejections and whatever I need to do - but this is what I want more than I've ever wanted anything.

I'll bet on myself that I can win because I'm willing to just do what needs to be done.
I'm a sure thing
   in a very good way

This is what I need to do because one thing I am tired of in this world that I call my little island is failing, giving up, all because of fear. I'm tired of giving up. I'm tired of half-assing my way through life because I know I'll just get by. And that's "ok" - it's not.

I'm tired of being disappointed in myself because I know I can do more but I won't - because Fringe is on.

So go listen to Elliot Smith, the Stones, ELO, Michael Franti, Rancid, Modest Mouse, Jimmy Hendrix, NOFX, Rilo Kiley, Fences, Joe Cocker, Muddy Waters, Frank Sinatra, Billy Holiday, Black Flag, Lou Reed, Op Ivy, the Pixies, Gerald Finzi, Mozart, Elvis, Elvis Costello and whom ever else you love - and love them.

I'm on a roll!

See you on the flip side! Off to write!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Blame Game

Here it is, my rant. This rant is about the "blame" game. There is nothing I hate more because at the end of the day all you get out of pointing a finger is avoiding whatever the real problem is.

A couple breaks up / divorces - take sides
Friendship falls apart - draw a line in the dirt

Everything stops long enough to show who is right and who is wrong - who is good and who is evil. And this pisses me off because its not that simple.

Humans are not simple.

"They used me!" Chances are you used them too. No - this does not apply to everything. This doesn't mean that there aren't bad people out there - there are. But in general - you are responsible for your own life so place your energy into that life and make it the best possible life ever. DON'T spend all your time getting involved in petty crap. DON'T assume that the one side you hear is the right and only side. DON'T be the person that dumps your problems on someone else because it's easier to pretend you're something your not.

Perfection is a myth.

You have a better chance of heading down to the south west border and netting yourself a chupacabra then serving the thing up for dinner on Thanksgiving. There is just no such thing as perfection. No one is always right. No one is always wrong. In general we are all doing the same thing in this world - we're trying to survive and sometimes in that survival it's very easy to think that there is an "easy way" or that we can find an out by blaming the next guy.

It's the blame game.

Its not you, it's me
He treated me like crap (why? 'cause he didn't jump at your voice?)
She is a nag (why? 'cause you don't listen when she speaks?)

We run, we hide, we pretend things are something they aren't, we try to relive that moment in our life we loved so much and then we miss so much more.

There is to much crap in this would you can't control - the blame game isn't one of them. Be a man/woman and admit you're wrong and at the same time - stand up for yourself. Go out and get the things you want but do it the right way.

Some things in this world just are what they are and over time they're nothing but a blip on the radar of our lives - our short lives - instead of wasting it with words that are bitter and cruel... keep your mouth closed and nod.


Monday, October 11, 2010


there is nothing sane about making yourself slightly sad, but I do it all the time.
I listen to mopey music and find myself swimming in mournful mood and I like it.
I like being sad


yes - yes... it's just weird

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Unintentionally Me.

I think like most things in my life, this blog - something I started for all the wrong reasons - is the thing I love. One of the things that is.

Intent is an amazing thing - I intend to do many things when I wake up in the morning and by night fall it's very interesting to see what I can cross off my list.

Maybe I wrote a few pages
Maybe I did the laundry
Maybe I did my workout
Maybe I did 1000 chores I've been putting off for months

but I doubt it

I always intend to. [Camper Van Beethoven - "I know I'm Not Wrong" - Tusk]

I intended to use this blog for the solemn expression of my feelings and beliefs - to write and write and write. To vent and be free of the common every day burdens I feel the need to allow stay attacked to my soul like a burr to my pant leg in the woods. And I've done that.

I say what I think here. Yes, sometimes I'm full of nothing but piss and vinegar and yes, sometimes my poetic side bleeds onto this screen like the ink in my personal journal - but I say what I think, regardless. Weekly Adventures is my Utopia because even if you sit there, reading these words, judging the hell out of me - I don't know. I can't see it. I don't hear you.

I am unscathed.
I am free.

So the actual "why" is in the past and it no longer matters, outside of making me chuckle that I thought through shear will power and a slight hint of magic (I suppose) would bring to fruition the delusion of grandeur I had in mind way back that cold January night.

Another adventure all in itself. [Bears - "You can tell" - Shortest Day of the Year]

Now I sit here, my hands poised over this dirty key board with music pumping into my ears - some band I've never heard of, the quest for new music continues - and I type about the newest delusions of grandeur. The book. The move. The idea it won't be 40 out on my birthday... well, at least I pray it doesn't snow - this year.

I sit here thinking about dreams long gone that I feel the need to breath life back into. Traveling. Baking. Cooking. Poetry. Photography. Painting. Music. I think how I always wanted those things but decided to buy a ticket promising me security disguised as a happy little life - picket fence and all - but in reality it was a coat of boredom and wrapped in someone else's skin.

It wasn't me. [Gus Black - "Trillion Things" - Autumn Days]

I think that's why I like visiting with friends from 15-20 years ago - they knew me before I sold my soul for a decent wage and low insurance payments. When they see me I'm an older version of the person they knew way back when and I'm not the woman who created a blog for reasons filled with negativity and doubt.

A cry of some sort.
I think all I did was cry then - it'll be two years this January.

The lesson I've learned from this blog is a lesson old as time. "This too shall pass." I can sit here and read over the documentation of mental breakdowns to euphoria and back again. Fear and pride. Tears and sorrow.

Life is an adventure, if you let it be.
Every day
Every damn day
Bad TV
Terrible Football Games
Horrible movies
Speeding Tickets
Scraped knees



Maybe the intent was wrong, but the outcome is just what I wanted, what I needed.
Just who I wanted to meet. Just who needed to read these damn layers of drivel. The person that who was cowering in the back of my head. The forgotten soul.

They say good intentions pave the way to hell. Well sometimes shitty ones pave the way to freedom.
Scary. Beautiful. Freedom.

[Fences - "From Russia with Love" - Fences]

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

dead men

Why do I fall in love with dead men?

Poets, musicians and writers
trap me with their words
entangle me with emotions
spinning me up
throwing me back down

spinning me up
throwing me down

I am lost
longing for someone I can never touch
can never talk to
never hold

they consume me
and I'm lost
so very lost

it isn't fair to do that to a woman
hoist her up so very high
when you just walk away

I yell at them in my head

maybe I should turn off the music
close my books
get off line

maybe I should just sink into
the daily grind
lose my mine
and be done with these torrid affairs
with the
or maybe I should realize
that saying maybe means
I won't

their words will  ravage me
and I'll latch on to every last syllable
they will break my heart
because in the end
I'm a woman who is
in love


the words of
dead men

Sunday, October 3, 2010


In general when you see this man the last thing you would expect would be for him to sing folky music. My husband told me about him, so I check him out.

I need money to buy music! I NEED MONEY! But who doesn't in this economy?

His music is wonderful. It's honest, I think that's what I'm liking the most. A lot of times people get caught up in metaphor and simile and don't realize the easiest thing is just to say it out loud.

I MASSIVELY include myself in that mix.

I realize that indie music isn't what all people want in their lives and that some seem to think it's "chick" music, which is fine - more for me. But I think, regardless of the genre of music you like or even love, finding someone that can move you, make you scream, or whatever  - is a hard thing.

Anyway, I'm so far behind on writing, but I can't let that stop me now can I? I've made it this far, now it's time to get to the finish line. I'm almost done with chapter 8 and tomorrow I'm moving on to 9 - I don't care if 8 needs more work, I can't stay there or I'll never move forward and isn't that the point of life? To keep's so much harder than you would think it is. Moving forward, moving on, letting go.

Our past has moments in it that are like plaque in our arteries. It is hidden in a way you don't see it day to day, but it's blocking off the flow to our source. I think I have all of my plaque cleared out and then I find the ones I care about the most are harboring plaque for me - offering it to me when I think my artery is good and clean.

I don't care for this.

Life isn't a game. It isn't a base for revenge. It isn't something given to us so we can think we are better thank others or to harbor things to use as leverage or to throw back in someones face. That's not life. That's an episode of a CW show. That's a bad "tween" movie. But it's not life.

Know where you came from.
Look to where you want to be.
Smile and love this life you have - because it's a gift. That person, or those people you love.

You're favorite pizza.

Don't look at all the bad crap. Don't hold grudges. Don't blame other people for what is - blame is as bad as games. It's solves nothing - it's a distraction.

If something bad comes to you realize there is something to learn, you're never alone - if you're lonely, stop to open that door you never meant to close. Understand that the reason is to make you strong for you, for them, for the world...

Oh life...
I woke up grumpy.

I sat in my sorrows like barfly sits in his booze. It drenched my body - consuming me until the sad grumpiness turned into anger and all I did was sit pointing fingers looking for someone to blame, because this mood, this feeling, can't be my fault.

Nothing is my fault.

Nothing was ever my fault.

The cosmos was intended to open - parting wide like the red sea and everything I had ever dreamed would come sailing down to the earth at my feet and that was all.

No work.
No sweat.
Screw tears.

It was my fault - my reckless abandoned attempt at life. Drawing people to me than shoving them away like lepers. Saying I loved them, but never lifting a finger to help. Knowing I could, but simply was to lazy.

Then they all left and I shut my door, better for it. Better for being right all the time...

What is life? It just is. And it is important. You are important. We are all important.
No one is right all the time. No one is better than then someone else. We just are.

So all we can do is let go of the baggage and move forward. All we can do is celebrate the small victories, cry at the tragedies - when we're sure that's what they are. Love with every part of you.

And just be.

Because life is short and you can never judge a book by it's cover - if you do... bully for you, but no - not really. Because then you may see Chris Mansfield and think he's not the guy behind Fences.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Life always gets in the way of life...

The one things I can say about life is trying to figure it out is a waste of time. There is nothing to figure out. Each moment is as news as the last and as different as the next and all you can do is take the good with the bad and find what makes you smile.

It's officially fall. The weather outside reflects the date on the calendar and that means snow is close at hand when we just had a 90 degree day less than a week ago. To make sense of this would be like the life thing - there is some weather term or whatever but at the end of the day, for me, it means my son's asthma has driven us to the emergency room and now I'm up all night just to give him treatments ever 4 hours.

I feel bad for my boy. He just wants to play. He wants to go outside and play in the sun and chalk up the ground but no, he's on a nebulizer filled with steroids - enough to make him eligible for MLB, and I'm sleeping on the couch so my husband can get sleep . I'm sitting here listening to Pandora and some band called Devonsquare, who was most influenced by Roxanne in 1991... but the band before them - British Sea Power was pretty cool.

What can I do?

He'll go to the doctor and be put on a slew of drugs that he'll hate and I'll hate giving him. They'll cost me an arm and a leg and in a few months when we move and don't have money I won't know how we'll get them, but we will. We always do. Things always work out. You just have to keep your nose clean and work your ass off.

Which I do.

Not today - today the only job I put time and money into was being a mom. (currently listening to Frausdots)

This was the job I never wanted.
The one I told everyone I would never have.
I didn't want to be called mom. It wasn't for me. But I sit here and think of him sleeping in his crib just over me. His little nose and perfect blue eyes with a touch of green/gray in the center. I think of how he looks at things when were out and yells out shapes that I didn't take a second to notice or how he sings everything and I'm happy I was wrong about that.

See - when you plan - well, when I plan it's just me really saying soon I'll be doing the exact opposite I always have. I'm a hypocrite like none other. I've lived a lot of lives and done a lot of stupid shit and still the one thing I can do is smile.

Regrets are for people who are afraid to live. You learn. You move on. You're you because of those mistakes and you're much more interesting than being someone who has never made any.

(the Gurus - totally fun. Check'em out. The song is "He was a man.")

I've beat myself up for mistakes before. It's fun. Massively unproductive. It solves nothing. Then I'm back here - back with me. I said a few weeks ago that I love being in love, and you know what? I do. It's my drug of choice. The older I get people tell me weird things like you fall out of love with a person after 3 years - I love so many things and people and places and moments and songs (All Wrong and the Plans Change - "All Wrong") that my three years over lap and I don't have to worry about not having it.

Just like the mom thing - I used to say how much I hated people. This was a lie. I've been afraid of them most of my life. I'm still socially awkward. But still I think I've fallen in love a 1000x - and boy can it hurt but when you sit back and look at it.... when you lay on your couch listening to an awesome song like (The Maccabees "About Your Dress") and that rhythm is right and the guitar is singing to you at that moment - that's love. Or when you go to your favorite bakery and they have freshly baked spinach bread (Italian bakery) that's love. When you stop and hold the door, catch the eye of a handsome/beautiful man/woman, get the best hug of your life from a stranger - love.

I wish I didn't try to plan out my life, but I'll say this, when things go wrong these days I rarely beat myself up. I don't regret messing up or looking the fool. I love that I'm a mom and laugh at the 20 something me who thought this was stupid - it's so not.

Even when you spent your afternoon/evening in the ER with a Doctor who looked like a young Saul Rubinek and sounded like Balki from Perfect Strangers. It could be worse. It could always be worse.

Been there too.

(Wire Dasies "Rocket Girl") - and now I sleep...

Monday, September 27, 2010


when you start falling
stop bracing yourself
for the impact
enjoy the ride
when you star falling
know that we've all
done it
you will be find
when I start falling
I try to see
what's around me
what's around at all
and when I stop falling
I pretend it doesn't hurt
but it does
I pretend because I know
I'll get back up again
I've fallen
many times

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Some Place Fresh - Revisited!

Life is such a funny thing.
Each week I intend to come on here and write.
Each week eludes me - stealing away all of my time. Next thing I know it's been weeks.

OR - if I do have a moment to come on here I begin to write and abandon my posts half way through with a shrug and a, "no one wants to read this crap."

There is something about this blog that I love with ever ounce of my being. It was originally named "Some Place Fresh" because I abandoned Myspace an my blog on there. I found blogger and made it my blogging home and my blogging sanity. Yes, sometimes I grasp at format and assume a position on a topic - but still this blog in mostly and whole heartily intended to vent.

And vent I shall.

You see, as I went over a fraction of my vacation there is something I didn't talk about. That first night we left Ohio behind and set out to live that inter-continental dream of driving from (near) coast to coast - I had a dream. (and not in the sense of the late great MLK jr. - but I have those sometimes too) But I did. That first night after teaching and then driving for 15 hours - I laughed as my son tore around like a mad man in our tiny hotel room. I smiled as my husband fell asleep and my heart was warm as I lay in that bed with the crib to the left of me and the snoring man to my right.

And then I slept.

The dream was long and there were a lot of parts. Now, you have to know, I dream in color. I dream loud. I dream so vividly that I've thought I had done things when I was awake that I had never done. Met people I have never met. My dreams have always been like this - I've written stories based on them.

Including one about Batman.

But they're just dreams. Yet, somehow, this one was different. There was so much too it, tiny oddities that even while sleeping I though "I need to remember that. That's important." But the one thing I remember through and through was this one line spoken to me, "Aryn. You're doing too much. You need to make a choice."

I thought about this, and as you can see, I still do. The entire thing was just different. How it felt. How it smelled. Who was in it. How I felt the next day.

So this is my choice. My choice is to write my book. My choice is to live yoga. My choice is to vent here. That's what this blog was intended for. I'm not a news source - even though I still have a great deal of passion for animals and vegan rights - I can't do it any more and maintain my life.

I can barely get out of my house long enough to detox. And EVERYONE needs to detox. There are days I want to pull my hair out by my roots and run around the neighborhood naked screaming at the top of my lungs because its just too much.

So I'm editing.

That doesn't mean I won't be on here - I will, maybe even more - but I won't be talking about things I have been for the last few months. I'm going back to Some Place Fresh. I'm editing myself back to the beginning of this blog. Talking about the things I love, music that moves me, books, television, movies - poetry.

I wish you all well and send you my love. May you be working on your Life Lists (that is something I'm still doing daily). May you think of one beautiful happy thought just before you go to sleep and when you wake up, may there be a smile on your lips.

Live. Sing. Vent. Play. Love.

that's what life is for ;)

Till next time

Friday, September 17, 2010

Condensed Vacation !!

I'm sure I'm just losing my mind. See, I've spent the better part of this week doing research on all things military related, from types of artillery, the mobility of certain tanks, capacity of vehicles intended for human occupation to the history of how versatile the American Armed Forces are and even the personal history of Gen Douglas MacArthur - whom I now have a lot a respect for.

So why am I losing my mind? Because last week my head held nothing but poetic ideas of the scenic imagery of a long trip from Ohio to California and back. And now I'm finding myself excited over the idea of just how agile the Sryker MGS really is.

Not necessarily a bad thing - just something different. Pretty sure the cobwebs in my gray matter has been wiped clean.

But speaking of that vacation - I do believe I said I would come back and tell you a little more about it, outside of wondering what people wanted out of their lives these days. So here is my highlight reel.

First night out - we made it to Effingham, IL - honestly couldn't tell you much about the place outside of us staying in a Best Western (I think) and that my son lost his mind at the idea of being in the same room as us when we slept - this is a big no, no at home - so the little fella was elated. Then he woke up screaming and ended up in bed. Not so bad but the 3'+ child took up the entire bed and yes... that cute little tush I love so much, I found it nestled next to my pillow and just as I did - he farted.

The next day as we were heading out of IL I asked if my husband would like to take a break and that I could drive - he wouldn't let me drive the entire vacation. I know what you're thinking, I must be a bad driver, I say NAY! You see in the nearly 20 years I've been driving I've had (count them) 2 tickets - TWO! In the past two years my husband has had about 6.........
This comes into play, as we are cruising down the 44 and I say to him, "If you have to speed at least stay out of the fast lane. We're in a bright red car. It's like you're asking for a ticket."

"Oh, we're fine."

So after we got pulled over and the nice State Trooper handed us the $75 dollar speeding ticket not five minutes after my comment - I asked to drive again... still no dice.

This was a point of contention the entire trip, but he didn't receive any more tickets so I can't complain. (even though I just did)

This brought us to New Mexico - which if you haven't seen it is beautiful. (there were other places but ID, IL, OK, & MO all look the same. There are a lot of trees. A lot of over sized crosses. A lot of billboards that tell you god hates Obama and this stupid ass Tea Party crap is good. Fireworks & porn. A lot of Porn. So I'm skipping it. Except for this place - the Meramec Caves - cuz it's cool.) But New Mexico is just beautiful. The colors are amazing to see and I wish I could have just hung out. The place is poor, New Mexico is the poorest state in the Union, but there was something about it.

My only warning is if you check it out be conscious of where you're at - We stayed in a shady hotel that we shouldn't have and 4 police cruisers, 2 ambulances, and 1 detective car later... it was a bit scary.

Outside of scary the other thing that turned my stomach was just outside of Amarillo, Texas. I had the privilege of seeing a factory farm... It ruined my day. The place is called Quality Beef and if you're getting your meat from there... well, it would probably be more sanitary to eat road kill.

But scary and gross really were the center of the whole trip. Honestly I had a great time. I'm having to cut this entry short because my son is waking from his nap, but here is another photo that sums it up for  me. Its me and my fam on Route 66 - one of the few family photos we have.

And here is why it was funny even at the moments when it could have been bad...

Hope you have a great day!! Off to learn about hand to hand combat (he swings his arms when he's grumpy... I have the black eye to prove it!) Ommmm!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

VACATION!! We're gonna have a ball!

Connie Francis sang a song called "Vacation." I know of this song because I'm a terrible speller and my mom looked at me one day and said, "This is how I learned to spell vacation, and played it for me." Till this day when someone say that word, the tune pops into my head.

THAT SAID! I just got back from vacation! Yes sir-ee Bob! Me, the husband and the kid jumped into our old 2001 Red Chevy Cavalier (two door) and set sail on a great adventure that took us from North Eastern Ohio all the way to Sunny Los Angeles California.

We began by discussing National Lampoon's "Vacation" as we headed out on the trip. The 23 month old strapped into his car seat, Laurie Berkner cooing sweetly from our factory direct CD player. Happy family tunes like "Rocketship Run" and a slew of other child friendly songs that are now forever imprinted into my brain.

In the beginning it was funny.

The first hotel we stopped at was in Effingham, Il. and you know what? When you're only 23 months old a hotel room is by far one of the most amusing things you'll ever see. As we tried to get ready for bed, my son ran around the room yelling, "bye-bye!!" over and over. We finally put him into his cage like crib and crawled into bed as he babbled about everything in his own unique language. My husband began to snore and I was fighting laughter but managed to close my eyes long enough that our son gave us and went to sleep - for two hours.

Then he came into bed with us.

Seems the room freaked him out - but let me say. Why is something that is 3'3" tall and about 30lbs... why does it take up so much room???

As the trip progressed we realized the route we were taking was directly next to, and sometimes directly on, the historic Route 66. This has been one of my dreams for a very long time, to fly to Chicago and rent a car to drive down Route 66 all the say to Santa Monica. The trip would take a better part of a month to enjoy all the stops. Restaurants and museums dedicated to a long forgotten era that was quickly replaced by highways and bi-ways, airplanes and all of those luxuries times has offered us.

We stayed on the actual road two times. One time in Santa Rosa, New Mexico which is famous not only for RT 66 but for being the location of The Grapes of Wrath shoot back in the 30's and a place called "The Blue Hole" - scuba diving in the desert. No joke.

Bits of 66 where everywhere. A museum dedicated to historical cars. Two motels that have been standing since the 66 era. A handful of restaurants you can't eat at if you're vegan... ;)

The other place we stopped at was in Oklahoma called Sapulpa. Never underestimate people. Sometimes they can be wonderful and make you a special sandwich that's not on any menu because you're vegan in a state that clearly is not.

As the trip rolled on and times grew tired it got me to thinking. What the hell are we doing? <- that was one of the questions but the other one was much bigger.

What we just did - it once was part of the great America Dream.

Whatever happened to the American Dream?

I've now seen a big portion of this country. I've been way east and I've been way west. Spent some time in the South, both desert climate and the jungles of Louisiana. I've drank on Bourbon Street, partied in the Village, slept in the Hollywood Hills, camped in New Hampshire, walked on Route 66, been stopped in Yuma by border patrol, award a speeding ticked in Illinois, seen the Grand Canyon (way off in the distance) and so many other wonderful things (except the ticket, that was just annoying)

I asked on my Facebook page about the America Dream and was told it was dead - but how can it be? If the dream is dead what is this country?

It's nothing.

The United States of America is a dream. It was a dream. It should be a dream for when my boy grows up. So I say it's not dead.

And now I ask you... what is your American Dream? I really want to know. What keeps you going? Why are you here? What were you born to do?

There is a whole lot of hate going on right now, and it scares me a lot,  because if we let that hate win... the I guess the America Dream is dead...


I'll have more to say soon - post some pictures of the trip. Tell some stories - because I have a few! But until then, I hope I hear from you!


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Life List

After spending the last year concentrating on my life, looking at it as if it was the last year I would be on this planet in this body, I will admit I learned a lot about myself. It was interesting and something I would suggest to everyone to try at least once in your life. 

Maybe not a whole year, but even a few months, because when you learn about yourself - about who you really are - suddenly life gets easier. It's a hard road, after many years of believing what others have firmly convinced you of, when you see the real deal you may not know what to do with yourself.

And that is why I'm still working out some issues since I've done my meditation. I still wrestle with some of the new me - old me things ways of doing things wondering if this weird awkward period will ever end and I'll be able to stop walking with each of my feet on the opposite side of a big old yellow line that seems to be separating my emotional/ spiritual/ everyday life into two. 

SO - until I get there. Until I come to a place where I am anchored to the side I want to be on - I've made a decision. 

Enter the "Life List"

Starting on this Sunday, August 29th, I will take the next 365 days to complete 50 things off my life list. I am going to post some of them on here. I haven't counted so I'm not sure if there are 50, but if you know me you'll know I'm like a kid in a candy store when it comes to life so give me five minutes and I'll have about 20 new things I want to try before I die. Before I add those, I'll just start with these:

  1. Write a book
  2. Have said book published
  3. Go skinny dipping (as an adult)
  4. Start a successful business
  5. Sun bathe on a beach in the south of France
  6. Have a poem published in a notable magazine (like the new yorker),
  7. Create an awesome video & post it on YouTube (pet rock)
  8. Move to LA
  9. Finish my back tattoos
  10. See the northern lights
  11. Write-record & get a song on the radio
  12. Fly a kite
  13. Fly first class
  14. Hit a bulls eye on a dart board
  15. Get my pilots license
  16. Go camping & sleep outdoors
  17. See a meteor shower
  18. Run a marathon
  19. Learn how to ice skate
  20. Brazil Jesus statue!
  21. Visit Charles Bukowski's grave
  22. Learn to surf
  23. Learn a second language & use it
  24. See the grand canyon & other Americans road stops
  25. Convince 5 people to become vegan
  26. Tie enough balloons to my house so that it looks like the cover of the UP! DVD
  27. Meet the President of the US
  28. See the bats in Austin TX
  29. Go scuba diving
  30. Stand on every continent
  31. Wii fit yoga
  32. Ride on a motorcycle
  33. Galley show of my photography
  34. Make the perfect garden salsa
  35. Visit the Vatican
  36. Learn & be photographed doing Scorpion pose.
  37. Be financially secure
  38. Stand in Dr Who TARDIS
  39. Write/Publish a comic
  40. Speak my mind
  41. Cook for a large crowd
  42. Go to dirty dancing resort
  43. Water ski
  44. Drive across the country
And now I know that my list is short - so I'll have to add a few things... But last year was for dying and this next one is for living! If you know me and want in on this let me know. The more the merrier! Life is to short to sit back and do nothing.

I'm off! Have a wonderful night!