Friday, January 29, 2010

Lord Hanuman - the Monkey King!

Lord Hanuman is a monky and an avatar of Lord Shiva- one of the big "three" in the hindu religion. In my head I like to picture him like this -
Hoho - a.k.a. "The Monkey King" Ni Hao Kai Lan

But that's just because I've seen that episode of Kai Lan about 2 gagillion times... the reality is that Hanuman looks more like this -

Lord Hanuman is the son of Anjana who was cursed and the only way to break the curse was to bare the avatar of Shiva which would be known as Hanuman. This is what she did. When Hanuman was born to Anjana, just before she retruned to the heavens, she told her son that he would never die and that fruits as ripe as the sun would be his food.

Now, Hanuman was a very impetous god, that is to say he had ADHD on steroids and then mixed with speed and maybe a jolt or two. When his mother said that "fruit was as ripe as the sun" he heard "THE SUN'S YOUR FOOD!" With his super powers, being a god he had quite a few, he lept from the ground and shot into the heavens inching closer and closer to that bright big ball in the sky, slaviating the entire way. Indra, another diety, had to strike him down with lightening.

The thing about Hanuman was that he was gifted. So smart he mastered all Hindu scriptures in a mere 60 days. He was strong, could fly and many other things - but he was impetious and would nearly kill himself each time he jump at anything he wanted to do.

So it was decided. A curse was brought forth on Hanuman - this curse only allowed Hanuman to see his greatness when others showed it to him. He could still do all those crazy wonderful things but he never knew - except for a moment here or a moment there - that he could.

I am Hanuman.
You are Hanuman.
We are ALL Hanuman.

No - we don't look like a monkey adorned with gold and jewels but we have gifts that we don't see because life just gets in the way. We don't see them until someone else says "Hey!" and you think "Oh yeah... I FORGOT!"

I learned of Hanuman a few weeks ago at an immersion I was part of and I do the story no justice, but the little monkey amuses me more than I can say. Then this week (which included the saddest day of the year, January 24th) as I sat depressed, again, I woke up so sad and I said, "Please, please help me. A sign. Something to help me keep going." And last night in class, a class I didn't want to go to, she spoke of Hanuman. I went to that class because of a comment that was posted, that comment made me say "I can do this. I WILL do this."

Today is a new day.

Know you're never alone, even when you feel so alone your heart breaks slowly in your own darkness. There is nothing wrong with being a crazy little monkey - well, unless you plan on throwing pooped at me.


Thursday, January 28, 2010

The hard life I build for myself

I've come to the conclusion that, in the end, I actually prefer to get in my own way - that allows me to have something to bitch about.

At least that's my excuse for how frantic I feel about the amount of homework I still need to tend to before tomorrow evening at 6pm. Yes, it's another yoga weekend that I both cannot and can totally wait for. Trust me, I love my yoga weekend, but the longer this process takes the more arduous re-entering the real world is for me.

(as seen here)

I'm at a point where I need things to settle so I can more forward with my life, perhaps find a job (this is still proving harder than getting my husband to watch an episode of Glee with me, which is an impossibility. It would soon be easier for me to breathe underwater.) But with school ending and having that little certificate in hand I can then start handing out my brand new business cards that say I'm "certified." As for right now, I'm only certifiable.

I do have a plan to fix my money issues, but it is contingent on a lot of outside factors and that means more waiting. Waiting which will only add more stress to an already elevated level. On the positive side if things progress as planned I will go from having "0" jobs as of this moment to having "4" by March. All of those paychecks will be directly deposited into my savings account (except for a few dollars here and there I need to do fun things like eat or dress my child). This is the plan that will help set me at ease, it will help me sleep at night and then - after a while - it will allow me to work only one of those jobs and be less spazzy. Plus I think starting to re-enter a world where I get to speak to beings that are over the age of 15 months old is probably a healthy thing.

But that means getting through 6 more days - that's 2 more weekends - of training. I'm sure later down the road I'll come on here and tell you about how much I miss my fellow yoga teacher trainees, because I know I will, (where else can you go and sit around in yoga pants and eat delicious food all day long while discussing the finer points of sanskirt?) But for now I'll just work on blogging about how I'm procrastinating rather than doing my homework... see getting in my own way!

On a lighter note, my husband taught my son how to slowly raise his bottle up in the air and say, "baaaaabaaaaaaa!" Like he's super angry at it. It's beyond cute.

I should eat something. I just realized it's 2 and I've only had the left over food my son won't eat. Butter noodles, banana cookes and melon... yum.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Viva La Revoluction!

I spent a good portion of this past week discussing the finer points of starting a revolution. This is a conversation I've had over and over, year after year for a better part of my life.

I know what you're thinking, "Oh... we got ourself a crazy one right here..." (and quietly you tiptoe away), but this honestly something I think about.

One of my heros is Mr. Thomas Jefferson. You may have heard of him... signer and writer of the declaration of independence, former president, lover of all women... (what? It's true...) He said things like, "A democracy is no more than mob rule, 51% of the people take away the right of the other 49%" & "A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned - this is the sum of a good government."

He also suggested that ever four years we "start over" and by start over I mean - clean slate - not the "apply a new bandage over the ever infected puss filled sore that is the government in this country."

[and so you know I like the current "bandage" I like him very much, but he was handed a plate of rotten sardines and told it was beluga caviar.]

Here is where the problem is people. We keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over but we just apply different disguise and we never really fix anything. We take the moldy potato salad and hide it under the mattress hoping it will just go away - but in the end the house just smells of to hell.

The men and women of this country where sent over seas to fight a war that could never be won. They have been there for 7 years. We have taken down a government and put a new on in place but still we can't find the man that started the whole deal. Bin Laden.  Is he dead? Is he alive? Was he connect to Hussein? Was all of it just another government play set forth allowing the U.S. the access to the Middle East that the Bush family has wanted for nearly 20 years?

Speculations after speculations. Theory after theory.

But this is what I know. I know that in 2001 the World Trade Towers in downtown NYC were attacked by two planes flying into them. I know that at the same time the pentagon was also attacked. I know that we are one of the luckiest countries in ALL of the world because in the 200+ years we have been a country at all we've had 2, just TWO, outside attacks on our home soil.

And that is a gift.

So what does this all have to do with me and my need to spew my ideas for a revolution that will never happen? I don't know. I supposed I'm tired.
I'm tired of watching the media tell people what to think, how to breath, where to shit and how to smile when you're getting shit on.
I'm tired of not knowing where my next pay check is going to come from.
I'm tired of seeing families without the means to get the medical attention they deserve as human beings.

I'm tired of hearing people not care.

I hear it when I talk about being a vegan/vegetarian. When people tell me how animals aren't smart, can't think, deserve to die.

Nothing deserves to die.

Not your Uncle Bob who is 1st Infantry in the Army and not his cow Bessy his wife had to sell to the local stock yard to pay the mortgage on their organic farm, because the big business of "factory farming" has put their farm in the toilet with miss leading Issues on the ballot - just like "Issue 2" (by the way - did you know that chicken aren't animals? That's right! The government has them listed as commodities and commodities don't have rights so they can be shipped in the mail, and there ain't a god damn thing you can do about it! None. BIG BUSINESS WINS AGAIN!)

We shit on each other because someone else shit on us first - it's spite, it's plain old retaliation, it's redundant and ridiculous. "Revenge is best served cold." BLAH! Revenge is a waste of time. It's a wasted emotion that is put into play to stroke your own ego.

No one is perfect.
No one is better than anyone else.
Character comes from inside - it is not dictated by ethnicity, class, gender or the "crew" you hang out with.

Would I ever start a revolution?  Outside of posting pissy comments on here, sadly no.

Why?  I know that I'm not military minded, I have passion - lots and lots of passion but I also have the ability to read, and even 100 years ago, the story was the same. Yes, I know what happens to people who piss off the "man."

They die.

They turn up shot. They wind up in an alley. I don't want to die, even if I am angry at this world right now.

I supposed I'm not mad enough yet.

But in the end the question I have is are you? Are you mad enough to do something about this mess we call our society?

And why is it that we can all find the time to vote on American Idol but can't get off our fat asses to change our government into what it should be? And I love Conan O'Brien and I think what happened to him was complete shit, but look at all of those people who gathered to try to save his job... why can't you save mine? (trust me when I tell you no one offered me 32 million to play with my son till September.)

One day it'll happen...  No, it may not be a rehashing of  December 16, 1773, July 14, 1789, or even January 22, 1905

But I hope after all of this - after Korea, Vietnam, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait, Iraq, Afghanistan, the Macarthy era, the 80's the first decade of the 21st century (just to name a few things) - that one day someone will be braver than me, that they will stand tall and say "enough it enough" and they will represent the 98% of this country that doesn't own Walmart.

Thomas Jefferson said 51% out weighted the other 49%, but who are we kidding - it's more like 2% and the rest of us are clipping coupons and moving in with our folks.

VIVA LA REVOLUCION my friends... viva la revolucion...

Saturday, January 23, 2010

10 things that make me SMILE!

I'm totally stealing this from this blog and this blog who took it from this blog... oh... so many blogs...
This is a list, and I'm KNOWN for listing (so there was no stopping me), it's a list of things that make me smile! (in no order what so ever)

1. My son (may be cliche but he cracks me up)

2. August 24th 2001

3. homemade peanut butter chocolate fudge brownies

4. That smell of fresh air the first day it's warm enough to open every window and door in the house.

5. The feeling of soft cool sheets when I'm super tired

6. Yoga

7. Witch Hunter Robin (samurai champloo, big o, anime)

8. Knowing

9. A great movie

10. halloween

What are 10 things that make you happy? TELL ME!
kidding... :)

time to study!

Friday, January 22, 2010

That little button is shameless... but desperate times my friends... desperate times...

I know it's shameless, but I keep applying for jobs and I keep coming up empty handed - so I thought, "Who's it going to hurt?" And the answer to that is no one - because if you don't want to click that button you do NOT have too! (but if you want to I say thank you a lot!!)

I could post pictures of my son to show you what its all for...

But that may be even more shameless... :-)

Like I've said 1 million times, this is just me being me - but if you think that deserves compensation for that - I'm not going to stop you!


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Avatar & how after you make a few billion your a racist liar

I'm sure by this point you've heard of a little movie called Avatar. Yes, its that Golden Globe winning movie James Cameron made 12 whole long years after his huge hit of Titanic - and God knows you've heard of that one.

So what is it about this little picture that's got everyone's panties suddenly in a bunch?

One man from Russia is calling Cameron out on plagiarism. You know because EVERY idea we have is specifically our own - we are in no way, shape or form effected by things that are global - like the news... movies... books... tabloids... (just because you don't remember seeing it, doesn't mean you didn't)

Then there are those people who are saying Cameron is a racist, that he's projecting the idea of a "white savior" on the general population.


#1 - last I knew no one showed up at your house and pressed a gun into your temple and told you to see the movie. From the name alone you should have had some general idea of what this movie is about, and if you didn't understand what the meaning of the word "avatar" was, you should have looked it up.

#2 - The story of Avatar is an old one. It has been repeated over and over and over again - it's only been placed into different settings. In a way it's like Arthurian Legend - you can pick up bits and pieces of this story from continent to continent, from language to language. Does that mean the general population shit on Joe Schmoe by stealing his precious story and passing it off on his own? No, actually its a sign of the times - the story and its meaning is an example of what the general population needed at that moment to move forward with their lives.

"People who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it." <- this is a fact people.

So what is this Avatar about? You want the gist? There's this guy, he's a jarhead - that's what he knows, that's what he always has known.  Due to tragedy he goes to Pandora where he is introduced into an "avatar" program where he takes his mind and puts it in the body of an alien being that lives on Pandora. The military uses him as a mole to help destroy this evil, stupid, ignorant enemy! But then his new companion shows him her world, and he learns, and he grows and he realizes he's more than this "jarhead", this image that was projected on him by a society that could pretty much give a shit about him... the "little" man.

Let me show you this - There was this little movie from back in 92 - it was called "Ferngully" it was the story about this logger that was killing the rain forest and he was shrunk down (by magic) and he met the local fairies and then his new companion shows him her world, and he learns, and he grows and he realizes he's more than this "logger", this image that was projected on him by a society that could pretty much give a shit about him... the "little" man.

Then there was this other little pic from 1990 called "Dances with Wolves" he's a guy in the military sent to make "friends" with the locals and then help kill them but suddenly -  his new companion shows him her world, and he learns, and he grows and he realizes he's more than this "solider", this image that was projected on him by a society that could pretty much give a shit about him... the "little" man.

The story of Pocahontas is similar... in the end I could do this all day.

So what is this Avatar movie about?

It's about a man that realizes there is more to the world, more to life, than what he knew and some of that is very beautiful and should be protected from people who think what they know is the only way to go.

Is it racist? No but then again, yes. The theme of racism is very strong - but in a light that makes  you think, "maybe I shouldn't think like that" not in a pro-racist kind of way. And as for the "white savior" thing - James Cameron is white, I'm sure if he was Latin the man would have been Latin, if he was African or Jamaican the man would have been of that ethnicity. (anyway, maybe the "white man" needs to hear this story more often seeing the last time we were in clans, tribes, etc was waaaaaay to long ago.)

Everyone out there who is calling foul on this story is really missing the point. It's not about hurting people, its about helping people. So maybe instead of taking all that time and that hate an passing more of it around, maybe you should figure out a way to help the victims of Haiti or that family down the street that can't pay the rent or the victims of Katrina who we've seem to have forgotten.

We live in a world run on a marketing campaign and we accept what they say as truth.
We live in a world that says "knee jerk reactions" are the only way to go.

Stop listening to other people, listen to your gut and when that first idea pops into your head - instead of screaming foul on someone, maybe you should take five minutes to look at the bigger picture.

Once again - Those who do not LEARN from history are DOOMED to repeat it.

(trust me - that's the definition of my 20's)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Thats what I was going to post!

I've been on here for a WHOLE YEAR! So thank you to all of you people out there that have read this and didn't run away screaming afterwards! :)

life in general!

Time just gets away from me these days. One second I think I have everything in control and the next second I've realized a week has passed and here I am - sleepless - because I feel behind and unprepared.

I've become vegan. I decided to take that last step that has been haunting me for a better part of my life. I've been a vegetarian for nearly 20 years (on and off, I've slipped up a few times) when a few months back a friend of mine posted this blog the thing is I KNEW this but I still took part in it. And then I just started doing more and more research - but the final straw was when I met Harold Brown a few weeks ago.

I felt like a uber hypocrite not wearing leather, eating meat or drinking milk, but still eating cheese (even though it made me sick) and eggs. So I took the vegan plunge.  Honestly, it's not that bad. (seeing my new favorite meal is facon with avocado, rice cheese and vegan mayo - it's probably not good either... but it sure is delicious!)

The hardest part are the people around me, but that's the hardest part with the yoga thing too. I keep getting hit with this wall of doubt filled with fabulous comments that compare me to a charlatan that's pushing my mystical wears on the general public. (ever notice how when you find something that makes you happy everyone around you wants to shit on your parade? or is that just my freaking luck...?)

Maybe I'm just the lucky one.

When I was a kid and people would ask me what I wanted when I grew up I'd say to be happy. And I feel like I am a lot more than I used to be.

How odd is it that when I come on here with one idea for a blog I never get to that topic?  Anywho! I'm sleepy, sleepless nights are back in my life and I have only 1 1/2 month of school left. I hope all is well with the rest of the world - TIME TO WORK!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Play nice or I'll pop you one!

This post is dedicated to all those professionals out there that directly effect the livelihood and well being of our children.

Yes. It's dedicated to the doctors, nurses, teacher, teaching assistance, guidance counselors and the other numerous individuals who grace our presence daily with their need to do nothing more than conform our children into a mass quantity of duplicated individuals.

They'll laugh alike
They'll walk alike
Some times they'll talk alike

But at least then they'll fit neatly into some predesigned slot for them allowing them to have no creative juices to have to deal with.

As someone who was put down, called stupid and didn't meet the expectations of these predetermined deadlines in their life, it only makes me angry when I see this now happening to my son.

All of you professionals that are supposed to "help" my son - that is what you're supposed to do - you are NOT supposed to look down on me because my child isn't doing cartwheels at 15 months. It doesn't mean he's autistic - he's bored. I know him really, really well - you're going to have to take my word for it.

This week has been an homage to all sorts of stupid.
Tonight I do 3 hours of yoga, then I will drink some wine and I will sleep.
Tomorrow I will play with my son, and the next person that insinuates there is something wrong with him will have to deal with 110lbs of me kicking their butts...

The end...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Mercury in Retrograde - I'M WAGGING MY FIST AT YOU MISTER!!

Look up! Up in the sky! What is it? Is it a bird, a plane, a small little planet super close to the sun that I like to blame for many things that it probably doesn't effect, but hey, blames gotta go somewhere?

Yes, it IS the last one... damn you Mercury and screw you retrograde...

[for those of you unfamiliar with this - a few times a year Mercury seems to "stop moving" up there in the big old sky. It's an optical illusion, but some believe this time of planetary pausing is also a signal for the past occurrences in our lives to creep up on us like a bad case of athlete's foot.]

After my ever so classy breakdown on Sunday - you know because wagging my fist at the sky will help me achieve the goals I have in my life - I did in fact calm down. Granted, this was after I only had 3 hours of sleep and some more sever nightmares. [I'm having separation issues with my son - the dreams are a bad episode of L&O SVU - not kidding a little] But I DID calm down. After a few hours of a new type of worry - my son normally only naps about 1.5 for me in a day and yesterday he napped 5 hours [growth spurt] we played a few rousing rounds of "Chase the Baby," "Find the Mama," and then wrapped up our afternoon alone with some vegan banana bread and a half of banana that was consumed post haste whilst watching [for the 87 millionth time] Finding Nemo, his favorite.

"Yes I'm a natural blue." ~ Dori, Finding Nemo - whozaaa!

The husband came home and I passed the boy off as I threw together some homework stuff.  With my beloved iPhone in tow [I should name her, yes my phones a "her"... hmm...] I headed upstairs and lock myself in our bedroom and begin checking my email.

There are some messages for me on good old Facebook. One of them from my ex-husband's sister.

Stop me if you've heard this one! [or just skip forward]
In 2001 when I left my first husband his family decided he should use our house as a bartering tool. If I STAYED I wouldn't lose the house. Now, I may be a lot of things - but it's a house and in general I've always felt that material things don't much matter. [please don't get me wrong, I still have a crazy love affair with material things - part of my heart is completely held in reserve for Miss Sixty, Oh...Deer, Guess, vintage cars, and a number of other material things - but over all I know I can do without - which I do, but that's another blog all together] but when you're in the position I was in, over all it was a clear choice.

Keep house = staying with man I don't love (2 + 2 = -27)
Leave house = find man who loves me for who I am (2 + 2 = 4)

So I left.

I left a lot of things behind.
Clothing. Favorite CDs. Books, etc.
Yes, at first it sucked, but having the knowledge I could start over, build a new life - they're just THINGS. You can't take things with you and you can buy new things over time.

Fast forward to 2010.

As of December 21st, 2009 I have been divorced for 8 years.

2922 Days
417 Weeks
70,128 Hours
4,207,680 minutes... you get the picture.

I left the house and that life behind me. Very much literally. I left my job, the neighborhood, people who I called "friend" one of those people I had known for 20 years.

"What's the problem then -A? Like you said, it's been a long time! Why are they contacting you now?!"

That is a GOOD question! The problem is that they never took my name off the mortgage. The problem is that he fell behind on the payments and then the loan was sent to those big old lawyers in the sky - aka Columbus and I started getting threatening letters. The problem is that my credit is ruined and HIS problem is he's getting remarried and NOW they want my name of the loan.

So Sunday - pity party, table for one.
Monday - you really need to sign these papers.

I tell them to send them to my PO Box. They say they need them yesterday.
I point out that it's been 8 years, they can send them to my PO Box and let's be realistic, you really think I'm going to sign something that my lawyer HASN'T seen?  I'm 34, no 14. I may not care 100% for all this material crap, but I have a kid and a husband and I'm not signing a piece of paper that I haven't read just because it's more convenient for you. If it was THAT important I'm sure it wouldn't have been handled correctly the first time.

But it wasn't.

As I've said before, this is my slate cleaner.
This is where I come to specifically tell my side of the story.

8 years ago I just wanted out.
I let you shit on me. I allowed you to tell people I was someone I wasn't. The ONLY thing I was, was miserable because I had married the wrong man. Yes, that sucks, but it's clearly NOT the end of the world. I just wish we could all just be grown ups and realize that sometimes situations in life are like shoes - yes, the shoe maybe cute, but if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit.

That doesn't mean the shoe is a bad shoe
That doesn't mean that the shoe should be raked over the coals and harassed or even stalked
All that means is that the shoe wasn't right for YOUR foot
You put the shoe back
Go find a shoe that fits
Build a bridge and get the hell over it

Bully for you I say! Bully for you!

And now Mercury is in Retrograde dredging up part of my life I have no interest in looking at, well, at least that's what I'm blaming for this. I figure the real reason the fires been lit under his ass is because of the new fiance. But here's my real question... if its so important to him, why is he having his SISTER take care of it?

All I know is that I'm going to go do some homework
I'm going to sit in my little meditation corner and let this all go
And then I'm going to go eat a brownie. A delicious, delicious brownie...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Chitta Vritti, Julie & Julie, and so many other things... for me it leads to doubt.

In general I can't say that I'm very proud of this moment I'm having.

To be frankly honest, I started off this weekend tired and worn, but through perseverance and shear prayer I made it through. My legs hurt, my abs are killing me and my back feels like someone beat me down with a baseball bat - but I made it through.

At least that's what I thought.

I THOUGHT I made it through.
I THOUGHT that I was fine.

I think a lot of things.

In yoga or meditation, the sanskrit term for this is "chitta vritti." What that is are the 1,000 of thoughts that dance throughout your head and just disrupt things in your life. Some days my chitta vritti is nice - just a tapping of words entangled with my normal life. Some days my chitta vritti is just plain evil.

Tonight I watched Julie & Julia (I know my flow is off, but it'll connect, you just have to wait for it. Promise.) and while on one hand I write this blog solely for myself, it would still be nice to know others read me. (To paraphrase Truman Capote in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" [the book] Writers WRITE to be read.)

If you are not familiar with this movie its the story of a young woman in NYC in 2002-03 intertwined with the story of Julia Child - the late great cooking sensation that taught American Housewives that they too could be amazing chefs. The story follow Julie Powell who blogs her way through a year and all the recipes of Julia Child's cook book, "The Art of French Cooking."

Everyone tells me how I have to see this movie. It's just "beautiful" and so "wonderful" and even "empowering."
I've been meaning to watch it for some time, actually, I've wanted to see it IN the theater - but alas - I don't see movies in the theater. It would probably be easier for me to reenact the storming of Normandy in my bathroom.
But tonight I decided to rent it from my cable.

Have you seen this movie?
Have you seen this delight?
It is. It is truly a delight.
I love Amy Adams. I love Meryl Streep.  I've seen tons of their movies. I've even seen Doubt - which still blows my mind when I think about it. (And the state that I'm dragging and drowning myself in.)

So what is it?
Why was I sitting on my couch crying as I watched this flick?
Did the content just set me over the edge? Could it be that I associated myself with these lovely people? Maybe it was the blog...?


What made me cry? (I am SO not proud at this moment.) What made me cry was that I feel like this uphill battle I walk is not getting me anywhere. I look around and see all these people who are so much MORE than me - who are BETTER than me and I don't like me very much.

I don't like that I feel like this. I don't like that I start things and don't end them (another fine theme of the moving picture show that sent me into tears). I don't like that I can only see the shitty, shitty side of me.
In yoga I see how I CAN'T get my ribs up. I CAN'T get my thighs back.
In writing I see how I DON'T have the amount of readers I FEEL I should.
I DON'T have anything!
I have pages of unfinished stories and 2 billion ideas that I proably won't see thought because I'm too busy watching other people movies and in my head I scream very, very loudly, "WHEN IS IT MY TURN?!!!"

What DO I have? (In writing)

Let's see... I have this blog... (my other blogs are not a priority any more that I neglect them in indescribable ways.)
I have... my journal? (I know! There are THINGS that I DON'T write on here! HA!)
I have - I don't know what I have, because if I DID I wouldn't be writing this right now, would I?

It's like I can feel this special thing inside of me, I know I'm supposed to do something wonderful - but what?!

I just don't know any more. I'm just staring to think it's a big lie, and the liar is me. Stupid old me... I'm lying to myself... maybe all those people out there were right to just find a job and stop trying... NO!! No...

Why am I so damn pathetic right now?

Maybe it's the wine.
Maybe it's that I'm tired.
Maybe it's because my legs hurt so bad...
Maybe I'm just making up excuses to brush aside that I'm jealous that I don't think enough people like me...

And the pep rally begins in the gym in 15 minutes...

Having doubt in myself it too easy.
If I can't believe in me... crap... if I can't.. than why should anyone else...

Chitta Vritti, Julie & Julie, and so many other things... for me it leads to doubt.

This is mean weak
and you're welcome.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I shall see you on the flipside my friends...

This will probably be my last post for a while. This is a school weekend, which means by the time I get home it will be late (Fridays till 10) or I'll just be tired from doing yoga for long periods of time. (My class is relativity small but doing 15 yoga routines is still a lot of yoga and after 8 hours of that - I don't care who you are, you're going to be tired.)

The other portion of my weekend will include a few things:
1st - On Friday we're watching Peaceable Kingdom (which I'm not all to thrilled about because I don't like seeing animals hurt or being murdered. That said, the events open to the public at the Yoga Room on Murry Hill in Cleveland. It's a vegan potluck so if you want to join, please bring some delicious food too!)

2nd - I have to give a talk on dharma and a theme from the Bhagavada Gita or the Upanishads. Which is to say I have to pick a theme and discuss it with my class. I find that I'm not nervous I assume it's because so many of my class mates are. Everyone's freaking out so bad that I've kicked into over drive and I'm just sitting here going, "Alls good! No worries!"

3rd - Finding family time. Which is hard when I DON'T have class - seeing that I'm either studying, writing or attempting to finish that weather machine that allows me to live in 75 temperatures and not move... but lets no be crazy - I'd much rather move.

So when it comes down to the wire, getting on blogger to write out my rant for the day falls to the way side.

Honestly, I should probably use this time to write up a short essay or even just pick a few quotes I like but I feel my old ways of nihilism popping up all around me. Too many years of being a little punk princess - that probably explains why one morning I woke up craving substance and no longer want to refer to the human race in such a negative soulless way. Hmm... Or maybe I'm just over thinking this.

Or maybe.. just MAYBE I'm being lazy...
Noooo! I'm conserving my energy for such a busy weekend! Yes! That's the ticket!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Sometimes people ask stupid questions and I'm here to tell you, no, it's not ok.

I came on here to specifically discuss my love for too much sci/fi television but in my trek to the old computer my phone went off - it was a text from my hubby. Turns out that his brother wants him to babysit tomorrow.

Now - you may think that's not a bad thing. I mean, it's our niece and nephew, but here's the story.

My bro-in-law is having "issues" in his life with his wife. As of now they live in two different places and have a plan all lined up for their kids. It's as follows:

She does WHAT she wants WHEN she wants and he follows her around like that guy at the end of the parade with the broom and the poop scoop. And when things get super sticky - he calls us to pick up the mess. It's a very healthy decision that, by NO MEANS, sends mix messages to their two children who say things to me like, "Daddy didn't brush my hair today!" or my fav when they were still living together, "Daddy sleeps in the basement! Does my Uncle sleep in the basement?"

No, I like your Uncle, so he sleeps next to me. (Excluding when he snores, then he can sleep in Argentina for all I care.)

Once, after a few beers, I decided that I was going to "help out." (Which is code for "stick my nose where it doesn't belong so someone else's mess bleeds all over my life and leaves me in such discontent I can't tell where their crap ends and my crap begins.") And it ended just as you may think it would have. He started on the ever so obligatory, "I'm staying for the kids."

No. You're staying because you can't see yourself dating after this many years and I understand. Yes, the decade may have moved 10 years into the 21st century, but everything for you seems to be more wrapped around the year Cobain died...


So the baby sitting request...

The other part that I'm leaving out is that the Mom is sitting at home doing nothing, or hanging out with her parents. (she's in her late 30's - not that it's a bad thing to hang with your parents but they're her only friends... not joking even a little.) She's teaching her husband a lesson. What lesson? The only lesson I'm getting out of it is, "When things don't go my way I'm going to act like a spoiled brat until you do what I tell you too because at the end of the day the only person that really matters is me. ME!!! ME!!!! Not our kids and sure as hell not you..."

So to me what is being asked is, "Bro, is it cool for you to watch my kids because I'm too much of a pansy to stand up to the woman I no longer want to be with?"

See, I just don't have tolerance for this sort of behavior. I think life is rather simple. Listen to your gut. Say what you mean, mean what you say. And when you're in a relationship and in your 30's act like an adult, not like you're in middle school.

Come on people... I could be watching bad TV right now, but no. You're sucking the life out of me with stupid requests.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Sleepless nights are here again...

I've been having problems sleeping again. Yes, in part it due to my husband snoring, but honestly I just feel bad for the guy. This new year has started off with a big bang of him working 12 hour days. When he finally gets into bed he's so tired that he crashes and that leads to snoring.

Then I lay there and over contemplate things that are not even a bit poignant enough to mention in my day time life or any other part of this fine, fine world.

But still. I am only human. A human that just plainly thinks too much.

I think about things like the fact that I am shy and sarcastic - two very lovely things that don't combine - because when you don't take for days and then the first thing you say is dripping with sarcasm suddenly people don't see you as shy, they think you're a bitch.

Then I think about how I've cloistered myself over the past 2 (ish) years and can now see that people might find my standoff-ish-ness to be construed as condescending or even me (gulp) having a superiority complex. To me that very thought is laughable, but then I hear these comments in my head. Voices of the people I know.  Their words trailing like a bad trip through my brain and as I lay there with my quilt pulled to my chin and a pillow on my head attempting to block out the noises that are tearing out of my husband nose, and all I can do is over examine them and come up with the conclusion that maybe I have become this estranged bitch that has a superiority complex.

Even though I don't. And let me tell you, hand to God, I really, REALLY don't.

In general I will admit I'm overly involved with myself these days - but not in a "Patrick Bateman" American Psycho kind of way. In a way that I'm just trying to better myself because I don't want to look into those little blue eyes and tell him he can do whatever he wants, and as he looks at me and sees that they're only just words because I haven't done anything I've ever dreamt...

And then this happens... this voice... MY voice starting babbling on about why does it matter what they (of the proverbial nature) think of me? Will my life end if someone out there finds me to be a bitch? Well that's just crazy and the answer is no. Yes, I understand that people may not always like me - but when you're so tired that you're having conversations with yourself in the first place... well, I'm sure you totally understand what I'm talking about.

So here I am.

My weekly adventures... my slate cleaner... that's what this blog is. It's where I come to set the record straight from my point of view. I come on here like the Catholic's go to and stand in line in Church to step inside a closet just to utter the words, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, my last confession was ... years ago."

Will you forgive me?
Will you forgive a poor woman for not even knowing if she has, for sure, done anything wrong?

Forgive me world for coming off as a bitch. Forgive me for my shyness being conveyed as vulgarity. Forgive me for my "protection shield" looking more like a superiority complex - I don't think I'm better than anyone, in fact I think you all have millions of things to teach me, and I am a sponge that wants nothing more than to learn those things.

Forgive me for my mouth, my lack of respect, my faulty mind, my chaos.
Forgive me for everything because in the end, if you dare to know the truth, the reason I fear people so much is because when I get to know someone - I always fall in love with them and love means pain and my heart still isn't healed from the debauchery of '08.

But know this...

Every night before I fall asleep I close my eyes oh so very tight and I say these words in my head, "Thank you. Thank you for my son and my husband. Thank to for me, I give it back to you. The very best moments and the very bad ones. The good ones are a gift to you, like they were a gift to me and the bad ones because I'm not strong enough to carry them."

Most nights that's all it takes.
A little pillow talk with the stars...

And then other nights I come here and ask... have you forgiven me yet?

Job hunting... again...

You have to love this economy. It's doing wonders for people, such as myself, finding jobs. As I've posted before I'm now a stay at home mom, which is wonderful - but would be even nicer if I was making some money on the side.

I've been looking for a long time for writing jobs - seeing this doesn't pay, it doesn't count - but just like all other jobs there aren't any.

Save one.

Here is the issues. I would be required to look at all sorts of parts and then comment... Girl parts mostly. I have girl parts, so it's not a weird thing. I just wish I could get paid to only comment on my girl part, but I fear that would mean I just became a porn person.

And while on ONE hand the husband may be okay with it the OTHER hand, the whole "you're MY wife" thing will most definitely get in the way.

Maybe I should sell brownies?
Or I could attempt the ebay thing again...?
Or maybe I should just watch porn for a living... the yoga mom that watches porn... well, it SOUNDS like a porno... hmm... maybe I should order a pizza and see where this leads..

Sunday, January 3, 2010

too much to do and no time to do it - mostly cuz I'm lazy

Times keeps flying and I keep moving. I keep saying this, but I really mean it. I need to get organized. I'm not, not as much as I would like to be and it's starting to show.
I haven't accomplished much lately and it's starting to bother me. I have this bad habit of letting things distract me when I know that I shouldn't.

My house is a mess
I have a ton of homework
I haven't written anything in weeks
and I have a business meeting in about an hour and I'm not prepared.

Look world - this is what NOT to do... GOOD GOLLY!

I just got the boy down for a nap (I think) so now it's time to power prepare... Just like school all over again! Speaking of which, I really should do some homework too...

Fingers crossed I'll be back on here later... and that I'll find time to eat... and maybe shower... a shower would be nice...