Monday, January 4, 2010
Sleepless nights are here again...
Then I lay there and over contemplate things that are not even a bit poignant enough to mention in my day time life or any other part of this fine, fine world.
But still. I am only human. A human that just plainly thinks too much.
I think about things like the fact that I am shy and sarcastic - two very lovely things that don't combine - because when you don't take for days and then the first thing you say is dripping with sarcasm suddenly people don't see you as shy, they think you're a bitch.
Then I think about how I've cloistered myself over the past 2 (ish) years and can now see that people might find my standoff-ish-ness to be construed as condescending or even me (gulp) having a superiority complex. To me that very thought is laughable, but then I hear these comments in my head. Voices of the people I know. Their words trailing like a bad trip through my brain and as I lay there with my quilt pulled to my chin and a pillow on my head attempting to block out the noises that are tearing out of my husband nose, and all I can do is over examine them and come up with the conclusion that maybe I have become this estranged bitch that has a superiority complex.
Even though I don't. And let me tell you, hand to God, I really, REALLY don't.
In general I will admit I'm overly involved with myself these days - but not in a "Patrick Bateman" American Psycho kind of way. In a way that I'm just trying to better myself because I don't want to look into those little blue eyes and tell him he can do whatever he wants, and as he looks at me and sees that they're only just words because I haven't done anything I've ever dreamt...
And then this happens... this voice... MY voice starting babbling on about why does it matter what they (of the proverbial nature) think of me? Will my life end if someone out there finds me to be a bitch? Well that's just crazy and the answer is no. Yes, I understand that people may not always like me - but when you're so tired that you're having conversations with yourself in the first place... well, I'm sure you totally understand what I'm talking about.
So here I am.
My weekly adventures... my slate cleaner... that's what this blog is. It's where I come to set the record straight from my point of view. I come on here like the Catholic's go to and stand in line in Church to step inside a closet just to utter the words, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, my last confession was ... years ago."
Will you forgive me?
Will you forgive a poor woman for not even knowing if she has, for sure, done anything wrong?
Forgive me world for coming off as a bitch. Forgive me for my shyness being conveyed as vulgarity. Forgive me for my "protection shield" looking more like a superiority complex - I don't think I'm better than anyone, in fact I think you all have millions of things to teach me, and I am a sponge that wants nothing more than to learn those things.
Forgive me for my mouth, my lack of respect, my faulty mind, my chaos.
Forgive me for everything because in the end, if you dare to know the truth, the reason I fear people so much is because when I get to know someone - I always fall in love with them and love means pain and my heart still isn't healed from the debauchery of '08.
But know this...
Every night before I fall asleep I close my eyes oh so very tight and I say these words in my head, "Thank you. Thank you for my son and my husband. Thank to for me, I give it back to you. The very best moments and the very bad ones. The good ones are a gift to you, like they were a gift to me and the bad ones because I'm not strong enough to carry them."
Most nights that's all it takes.
A little pillow talk with the stars...
And then other nights I come here and ask... have you forgiven me yet?