Have you ever found yourself sitting at your computer taking at test, and you know the test isn't open book but your books are RIGHT THERE and you think to yourself, "Self... should I cheat?" So you reach for the books for a second and then you put them back. Why? 'Cause over all, you're not an jerk.
Then time passes.
And then you think, "Self... who's gonna know?" And you start reaching again, when this loud voice starts screaming in your head, "YOU! YOU'LL KNOW YOU FREAKIN' CRAZY WOMAN! JUST LEAVE THE BOOKS ON THE FLOOR, FINISH THE TEST AND HAND THE DAMN THING IN!"
Yeah... me neither.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
sometimes it gets to me
the voices in my head
they play me over
and over again
until I can't take it
I give in
even when I know I shouldn't
I give in
because I'm tired
yet I smile
the smile is the
only thing we
carry us through
smile at someone
hold a door
I'll do that tomorrow
when the test is done
when I can breathe again
sweet, sweet monday
a whole new game
On Sunday, two of my fellow classmates and I are teaching a class to the rest of our class. Our theme is "The Warrior" (shooting at the wall of heart ache - bang - bang - I am the warrior! I AM THE WARRIOR!)
So I'm looking up quotes online to use in my portion of the class.... the problem is I'm nervous talker so chances are I'll just banter my way through and then end with a bad impression of Yoda into my teacher's ear as I give her a manual adjustment, "Do or Do Not there is no TRY!!"
Then she'll fail me for my bad impression.
But I'm studying!
Is yoga a religion? NO
What are the 5 Tenents of Jivamukti Yoga? Ahimsa, Scripture, Bhakti, Meditation and Nada
Why do choosy mom's choose Jiff? Because of marketing campaigns and their kids addiction to high fructose corn syrup.
See! I know it all!!
Out side of that, I need to start my research for my book. I should do that now. No, I WILL do that in a second, but I wanted to share a little something with you.
My son has allergies and he's a picky eater - the two together make for a lot of fun and a lot of me cooking things to get him to eat a bit healthy without the fuss of "Hey sweetie, EVERYONE loves spinach" sure they do... but he'll eat bread - like fruit breads. So I make a lot of pumpkin, banana and sweet potato bread.
Yesterday I ventured out into apple. This is what I came up with:
Preheat oven to 350.
8 tbsp butter (or butter alternatives like earth balance soy butter substitute)
1 cup sugar (I use unrefined sugar, about 1/2 cup and 1/4 agave, which is like honey)
2 eggs (or 1/2 apple sauce or I use Ener-G Egg replacer. There is apple sauce in this already so you may want to use the Ener-G Egg if you're replacing them at all)
2 apples peeled and chopped. (I put mine in an electric chopper to get the bits small, but not sauced)
2 tbsp milk (rice and soy work too)
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking power
1 tsp salt
1/4-1/2 cup cold water
1/2 apple sauce
cinnamon and sugar for sprinkling.
Start with the dry ingredients in one bowl and the wet in another (sugar should go with the wet) then blend the two. Fold in the chopped apples and if you need to add a little more water - have at it.
Dump it in a pan - sprinkle with the cinnamon and sugar and pop in the oven for about 20 minutes.
**Note** I don't use a bread pan, I use a flat cake pan - its just easer for me, so it bakes faster. I find with baking times, trust your nose. If it smells done, it probably is. Test it with a toothpick (or a knife), if the toothpick comes out clean - your bread is done!
Let it cool and then eat it all up! YUMMY!
[**Another NOTE** Even before I gave up eggs I used apple sauce in my baking. I make the bread extremely moist and delicious. Another good thing for this is sour cream (regular or fake). Just a quarter cup will kick butt. Also, if this is for your child that won't eat his veggies, I also add multivitamins to this and I use wheat flour - it's better for your liver. ENJOY!]
And now - back to the WARRIOR! HEART TO HEART YOU'LL WIN! IF YOU SURVIVE!! THE WARRIOR! THE WARRIOR!!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
We have this cat who is, by far, the most annoying animal on the whole entire planet. I think that the gods sent him to me to try my patience daily. He likes to sit outside my sons room and "meewww" at the top of his lungs. This, if you're in any way wondering, is him playing.
Good Golly Miss Molly - SHUT UP!
I've been up since 3:50. I don't know why. I just couldn't sleep. I'm assuming it's because we didn't turn the heat down last night, actually I'm going to go with that IS the very reason. I mean, my hair was damp when I woke up - which is gross.
After fighting with myself for a half hour I decided to come downstairs and get some work done. Most of my day today is going to be filled with remembering yogic things, and that leaves little time to work on business stuff. You would think the house would be silent at 4:30 in the morning but no - the damn cat is running around "meeww! meeewww! meeewwwwww!"
This is followed by "JESUS CHRIST! SHUT UP ASH!!"
Why won't he just shut up?
Why god! Why?!!!
Anyone want a cat?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
This seems rather straight forward. It's like the, "write what you know" advice everyone likes to hand out to you when you state, "I'm a writer." The advice is true, and it's very valid but when you don't understand what it means you won't get the results you want.
When I was seven, if you had told me to "write what you know" I probably have gone on a tirade about blowing things up (mostly eggs) in the microwave. My knowledge of said information was lengthy, which would explain the amount of time I spent on cleaning the microwave. These days I can talk to you, in great detail, about many other things like changing who you are into the person you want to be. (Just to name one of many.)
My biggest comment/advice to make/give would be that the people from your past - there will be a pile of them who refuse to recognize that you've changed at all - they will only refer to you as they've known you and they will point at you when you say "weird" things. Things the old you would have mocked with them.
To each their own I say.
Everyone has their own cooking time, accepting this is a must if you plan to stay friends with people you feel you're growing away from. It may have taken you 3 hours at 475 degrees to get here, but it may take them 8 hours at 350 to catch up with you - all you can be is patient. Encompass it. Accept it. Assimilate it into your life and for the love of god, stop opening the oven door - you're only letting the heat out and making the time move slower.
As my grandma would say, "Water takes forever to boil when you watch. Put a lid on it and go watch TV!"
My other bit of advice is simply: Trust yourself.
After being angry for a better part of my life - and boy did it show in all the little things I did and said and all the lovely road blocks I put up in my life - when you find something that just puts you at peace... well, its just weird. I mean, I know I did shitty things in my life. Seriously, I'm 34 and no - age and being mean don't go hand in and but I don't know many (if any) people my age that hasn't done at least one crappy thing in their life - so while my list isn't overly extensive, it's still there, and the funny thing about yoga is that it is the oven at 475 that brought me here.
There is no real way for me to explain what yoga is - I can - I have - but at the end of the day it's an unsuspecting event that over takes your life and brings you some place you didn't realize ever existed. It takes all those years of trying and *poof*! No its not a magic act or a "fix" but its a life style that makes you scratch your head. In a good way.
Sometimes I feel like it choose me and not the other way around.
And now my first level of study is almost done and my nerves are shot...
Yesterday I studied for 3 hours on the the 42 questions of my Practice Test for Yoga Teacher Training and today I feel like my brain is mush and the only thing I retained is "The 3 A's of Anusaura Yoga are: Attitude, Action and Alignment" and "The 3 Doshas are Vatta, Pitta and Kapha"
My 9.5 hours of sleep where delightful and needed (plus I had a cool dream) but Friday is nearly here and in the small amount of time that bridges this moment to that one I have 3 classes to take, one to teach and I have to figure out the other 40 questions that range from: What are the names of the 4 books in the Yoga Sutras? to Translate and give commentary on Yogash Chitta Vritti Nirodah.
My heart is pounding and my breaths are growing shorter with each key stroke I make on this page. The two sides of my brain are yelling and laughing at each other while I sit in the middle and try to understand any of it.
This, my friends, is me living my life - and it scares me. Moments like this - moments when I look at 42 questions that make me feel that I may fail this portion of my life causes me to long for the days when I was just angry, because angry me never failed, angry me never tried, angry me was just lazy and, well, angry. These thoughts make me pull out my libra scales and start weighing the pros and cons of the two lives that I carry inside this one body and the question I ask is always the same:
"Do you want to be mad, lazy, angry and safe or scared shitless and some how so much more content?"
And then the answer is the same too.
"Being scared is terribly difficult because it forces me to let go, and when I finally do let go so much great stuff seems to happen." Decision made.
In my awesome crazy dream last night I was sitting at this counter - to my left were these two young woman and to my right was this man (I don't know who he was, but he was my friend). I heard the one woman make some comment about being afraid and I said to her, "The scary thing about life is knowing you have to jump off that cliff and you have to trust that your wings will come out before you hit the ground. But they will. They always come at the right moment."
(the internalization of my fear of failure seems to arise whenever it wants - even when I sleep. lol)
Yes, there are some things in life I will never understand but over all its better to try, so in the end you can at least understand a large portion of it. It's better to allow those scary feelings to move you forward then let those angry ones hold you back.
I mean, hell, life's going to keep moving with our without you - you may as well go along for the ride, right?
Just know it always works out, so why get all flustered over it?
See, when I take my own advice I feel so much better. My heart is now at ease, and that means I can now wash my face, eat some breakfast, drink a little coffee and figure out that Yogash Chitta Vritti Nirodah means "The Restraint of the modifications of the mind stuff is yoga."
Yes, it means that yoga is what helps you change and refine your mind.
Like I said - life style
Monday, February 22, 2010
In the morning coffee should be hot and I mean HOT. It should carry the potential to burn off the first layer of skin on my upper lip, but be so delicious I don't notice because I'm sipping a cup that is the essence of pure joy.
And yes, my coffee is currently cold.
It's been a long haul and the end is in sight, not with injury though. Yes, last night I spent a better part of my evening scanning in my homework to, later, send to my teacher only to receive an email telling me that I just needed to hand it to her on Friday.
That was 3 hours well spent. In those 3 hours I could have:
- Laid on my couch and watched the PBS version of Persuasion that air last night (as I iced my hip bones - some yoga poses)
- Went to bed at a reasonable hour - like 8 or 5 even 2pm. (I wasn't even home at 2pm... blurg)
- Read more of Scott Pilgrim, Young Samurai - the way of the sword, or one of the other 326 books I'm in the process of reading right now
- Eaten 4 or 5 cans of these, even though I only have the one.
- Or even fininshed working on that pesky weather machine that I have in my basement... but no.
Here's a little something about the yoga in my life that you should know. There is rhyme and reason but it looks and smells nothing like the rhyme and reason of my past life. It snuggly fits into the more chaotic part of my psyche, which is wonderful, but after 34 years of programming, "You will do this. It will be in this order. You have twenty minutes. If you're late I will blow you up." (That was brought to you by the robot that lives in my head. Yes, tired.) After that long it's hard to accept this new form of chaos in my life and I fall back on the regiment I know and then fall out of place.
At least I think I do. My fellow classmates seem to like me and think I'm a good student. I was speaking with one of them about a project we have due this very last weekend of training, when I commented about the 3 weeks where I went back and forth on dropping out she said, "But you're the best student!" She also added that it made her feel better because if I couldn't take it... then she started sputtering on how it wasn't meant as an insult... it was a sweet back road compliment.
I don't ever see myself as those things. I'm still working on seeing my self in a happy light - I always point out the bad in me. The failure. I assume we all do this to ourselves. Mostly I don't feel this is a bad thing, I think it causes you to change and grow, but at the same time, if you get to overly critical you'll just end up wearing a straitjacket and bouncing your head off big old white padded walls...
Ohhhhh! What would life be if not a convoluted mess? It really would be quite boring would it not?
Moving on... I was looking at my "list" and my little count down clock that is positioned to the left of this lovely post today and now realize that today I will be busting even more butt to get things rolling. The writing project I'm doing should (essentially) be easy because the story already has a beginning, middle and end - but seeing that the origins are not mine, I have this hidden fear my prodigy for character banter and development may end up insulting my husband. My gut tells me to just "go with it" and to see what comes out of it. Maybe it will be better than he hoped and if it's not - that's why there are drafts...
I thought about this a lot the other night. (the one where I slept 3 hours. 1 hour here - two hours much later). And seeing that another one of my "thangs" on that list is to listen to my gut (don't think I posted that one on my list but this is a big issues I have. I let my brain get in the way too much and let me tell you, that is the organ that gets me in trouble the most. That and my endocrine system. Wanna know what my gut is telling me now? It's telling me that joke wasn't funny. And it wonders why I don't listen to it... it's sense of humor is terrible...) anyway, when I do listen to my gut I'm a lot happier, and as laid back as I like to be. Which is pretty laid back. I'm not a fan of the harpies out there so I really don't want to be one.
My god. Is any of this making any sense?
OK, I'll give the non-commentary version here on out. (And yes, it won't nearly be as much fun.)
So I decided to start listening to my gut. All you gut listeners will agree with me when I say, this is just freaking awesome. I suddenly feel like the Medium in that show The Medium. It works out well when I stick to it. When I DON'T... I get speeding tickets, the first one in 18 years. Actually, the first speeding ticket ever. The only other ticket I've ever received was for "failure to control vehicle" - when I go, I go big.
But the gut thing seems to be going well. Most things seem to be going well... I'm still getting used to that too! LOL! Isn't it funny how we (generic we) find it easier to live in the misery we know and are at comfort with than to take that leap to find the greatness that is inside of all of us?
It's probably because we have to jump off that cliff with blind faith and pray that our wings will spread in enough time that we don't face plant on the rocks blow...
No one wants to be the bloody guy at the bottom of the pit.
Mostly because it's tacky.
I have to nap now.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The only time it really matters is when that voice in your head keeps you up at night. Which is terribly annoying.
In general, it just comes down to this.
But we knew that now didn't we?
I say this, again, because it's just some deep down seeded need to overly explain the obvious to you, my lovely readers. I, as an insult to one of my idols [Mr. Einstein], feel the need not to heed his advice and to IN FACT do the same repetitive things over and over [more efficiently each time] in order to progressively stand as still as I possibly can.
Ah... yes. I am ever so redundant in explanations, even after the fact.
I feel myself move forward, I most ingenuously do, but I suppose it's not moving fast enough in the time line that is my life, as I would like it to...
Suddenly I sound ungrateful for things and that isn't the case. I am grateful and I do feel blessed - but when you grow tired your mind begins to turn all perverse and flippin weird....
My mind begins to cultivate slightly in the direction of a traverse psychedelic and all together mystically odd nature. [I just "don't get it" if you will]
GOSH DARN THAT SURE IS GOOD!
So I'm here. I wish I was here more often and I wish I could write on a normal, more regulated basis - but there is just too many things I need to do in a very short amount of time and I feel like Dorothy and all I can hope for is that my technicolor will be just as bright as hers was - is not brighter - and that I won't spend the entire trip there grasping the walls of my dilapidated gray shack screaming for my mother.
I would surly miss out on all the swirling grays and blacks and whites and witches, and the really, where is the fun in that?
If it were easy it wouldn't be life - it would be a sitcom pilot.
If it were simple it wouldn't be me.
Tomorrow I teach my last class as a student. Then the next week I'll spend studying my little list of questions for my class this weekend. Wednesday I have a practice class with two other girls that we are to present in front of everyone with a camera pointed in our direction. Sunday I receive my certificate.
Then the void begins.
It will all work out.
It always does.
I will be fine.
I always am.
Tomorrow the sun will shine.
One step closer.
Tonight... I should go to bed
but maybe I'll just sleep right here...
sanity is for everyone else.
insanity is just so much more "funner"
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
So that's what a bad joke looks like. I know. You've never seen one until JUST that moment... lol...
I'm working on a basic yoga class that I am going to teach on Friday and I decided my theme for the class will be "Ahimsa."
Welcome to Yoga 101! Your first lesson... rules!
In yoga there are these things called the "yamas." There are five of them to be exact and these yamas or these rules are the guidelines on how to live a peaceful and yoga driven life.
[Something I should have mentioned earlier - if you don't already know, the "yoga" the general public knows - the exercise portion - is called asana. Asana is only a portion of Yoga and a small one at that, but it's a lovely place to start.]
The Yamas are listed as follows:
- Ahimsa - Non-harming
- Satya - Truthfulness
- Asteya - Non-stealing, (coveting, excessive debt, etc)
- Brahmacharya - Divine conduct (Tiger Woods failed at this one)
- Aparigraha - Letting go of desires (this one too...)
So AHIMSA! Non-harming. People look at this and push the "vegan" button on their life. I too agreed to this and decided to take that extra step from vegetarian to vegan (but honestly all I had to do was give up cheese, eggs and honey - everything else has been out of my life for a very long time) and that's normally where most stop, I, on the other hand, decided to take it one further.
What is harmful? Yes, killing animals is harmful and even with honey... Some tell me that "the bee doesn't die so it doesn't matter," but come on! Isn't destroying a summers worth of work just to sweeten our corn flakes as harmful. That said, if we are what we eat... do we really want to be death and a thief? Our food/clothing/sweetener choices are not the only things that Ahimsa applies to. It applies to doing things that cause pain to others - gossip is a good example. It applies to hurting ourselves, like watching a documentary about abuse of animals - yes - that's Ahmisa too.
All religions basically come down to the same thing:
Treat all living things with respect, be respectful to yourself, don't think you're better than anyone/thing - cuz you're not and smile!
Don't cheat because you feel you deserve more "T & A"
Give people the benefit of the doubt
And, once again, most of all SMILE!
Now lets go back to the beginning of this here blog. As I was saying, I'm writing a class I plan on teaching on Friday. My theme is about Ahimsa - and how its not a narrow little river, it is the Nile and at times its wider than most lakes you know of.
As I think about these "themes" I feel like a hypocrite because I think of my grade school preacher and his hour of drivel that keeps me inside that big marble box, painted all nice with images of dead people.
And I hate it.
But last night it hit me. Just like I said before - Yoga isn't just asana. Yoga is a life and if I'm to teach you, my students, about that life I need to get over the 12 year old girl that was embarrassed because she had to say 15 Hail Mary's because she swore.
So please don't think that's what I'm being now. Preachy.
Your life is your choice.
I choose to not do a lot of things because I'm one of those people that needs to "take away" to appreciate the bigger picture. I need to live by the rules, very tightly, because I'm very good at rewarding myself for merely being alive.
In the end this is what I hope you get out of this. Yoga is a way of life. The word means "to yoke" or "to connect" and that is what I hope everyone does with every moment of their lives. Connect to someone or something - to "plug in" and see a bigger world.
And once you see it all, you can't unsee it. You're stuck with it.
I will close with this.
We all deserve something better, but until we stop shitting on people for having what we think is better than what we have, we'll never get past the spot we're in now - and that, my friend, is no practicing Ahimsa - because you're harming yourself.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
What is life if not a quandary?
This seems to be my constant of mind these days. On multiple levels I am extremely perplexed and it is segmented with poopy diapers and sarcasm laced conversations about how 'WONDERFUL' the weather is.
It's glorious. If you're in the arctic. (But if I was in the arctic there had better be a really good reason. Like brownies or George Clooney)
I only have a few weeks left of school and I'm scrambling around trying to get all of my requirements under wraps so I can (and very much will) graduate on February 28th, 2010. THEN after drinking some fine prosecco (because that is what I was told we would be consuming that day) I will get my little butt back here so I can continue work on my many yoga routines I need to have seeing that I start teaching the good old live public the week of March 11th! That's right! The day before my husband turns 33.
In the mix of all of this I'm now working (yippiee!!) part-time for my mother who was nice enough to give me a job helping her organize and execute conferences. (not my cup of tea but I can smile and hand someone a name badge. I know... moi gifted) That added to the yoga gigs will be nice (food!) and suddenly my heart feels better. (I was only 4 steps away from joining old Clinton in the ER... no good could have come from that)
Plus (because I'm mostly certifiable on good days and beyond that on the other ones) I'm working with the husband on a plot outline for a book.
I'M TIRED OF SAYING I'M GOING TO DO IT ONLY TO START AND NEVER TO FINISH!
(I could reference past posts that comment on my "current" work that never seems to meet fruition, but I'm sure you get the gist)
So I'm doing this. I am the mother/yoga teacher/writer/(newly) vegan cook and I will TAKE OVER THIS WORLD! damn it.
With that said if you're at all interested in my up coming schedule I'll soon have it posted on my personal website (which this isn't - this is the mindless ravings of... of... me..?)
But right now I'm going to go startle my husband by shoving my super cold toes against his back side.
Friday, February 12, 2010
...somehow my last post was blank...
What in the hell? I was all proud of my post! I wrote about this "sex" section in our local free newspaper "the scene" where people felt the need to send in their complaints about how they're wives won't put out.
I'm not going to go into detail like I did earlier, mostly because I don't have the time but here is my comment to all those men that like to say "no matter what I do, my wife would sleep with me."
I think that you're probably lying and that you don't try and I'll never understand why you think the best way to solve that problem it to belittle her in the press.
The post was homage to all those people out there that love and are in love with their partners and can tell them this without being prompted by Hallmark, Hershey's and FTD.
The best way to keep your sex life going, after years of being together is communication. I've been with my hubby for closing in on 9 years and we have sex a few times a week. (Unless someone's sick, or feel down the steps and hurt themselves, or because we're in different states - otherwise GAME ON!)
What I'm trying to convey (ever so poorly) is that I'm tired of hearing guys complain that their women won't have sex with them. We get it, you just need a warm moist place and you have to "work" to get us there - poor you. We have to clean up after you like your a four year old.
So, instead of complaining, or just waiting till the media told you to turn off that the bachelor (because staring at human bobble heads is interesting to you) and buy her a candy bar next tuesday - "just 'cause!" And next year when some local rag is attempting to over glorify a meaningless holiday that is being celebrated mostly because you feel guilty - just go back to looking at porn and stop thinking we care that you are a self absorbed jerk.
Guess what? We already knew that.
P.S. I'm in a lot of pain today - which should explain my rage...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
My heads pounding
I should be writing
yet not on here
but here I am
my fingers moving
the door just scared me
I forgot I
a complicated mind
is a mess of crossed
currents showing images
images I create
to give me this headache
my jaw hurts
it's a confusing network
then I'm back here
I really should be writing
yet not on here.
I had this moment yesterday when I went to change after my son gave me a bath (splashing is F-U-N!)
But after the fanfare and bathroom soaking, I went to change as his father dried him off and coated him in a fine layer of aquaphor when out of no where I was hit with all the "spring style" cleaning that has been going on in my house.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of all this crap being everywhere.
I'm tired of boxes of things, and I don't even know what those things are until I open the boxes.
I've spent the last few months attempting to rid this house of the piles and piles of useless crap that we have seem to caravan from one location to the next.
There is one box that reads my name and then "bedroom"... that means that box probably PREDATES the husband. We've been together since '01.
That's a long time.
So, I can not WAIT until we are done! The boxes of photographs and letter from people I forgot I used to correspond with. And why do I keep them?
So that at some point down the road I can drag my son up those stairs and sit him down then force him to walk down memory lane with me?
It's not that I want to forget - I think if I'm meant to remember that I will.
You remember what was important to you. You forget the crappy stuff that isn't important at all. And when I find these trinkets I start to question myself about WHY I don't remember certain things... and that's just a whole new level of crazy - even for me.
I'll openly admit this need for freedom and space was part of the change in my life that sprang from having my son, and yes I understand how cliche it is to say "my life started when I had my boy" but cliche or not, it's true. Maybe it was my boy, or the new set of rules that apply to your life when you hold another's so dearly, or maybe it's because the life I used to have seems more like a movie I watched 4 years ago than something that actually happened to me. The only thing I'm sure of is that if I need to put a pin in the point of origin that began the change into I am today it would be October 12th 2008.
It took me 33 years to admit to myself what I wanted and who I wanted to be. 33 years really isn't that long - life is short. Proven fact. Just look, the older you get the faster it moves, by your mid-30's you know you're not going to live for ever so you learn to live for right this second.
Including baby showering you with dirty bath water.
My little moment yesterday that led me to question the piles of crap that are making my attic into a fire hazard only stoke the fire under me to unload all of those things as fast as I can.
There are very few things in this world that we really need. I have my family. I have a few friends that I hold close. I have yoga. I have my words.
The rest of it is just cannon fodder.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Two years ago to day was the last show I ever played live. That popped into my head as I was folding laundry - boy how things have changed... lol...
I remember the show like it was only a few months ago, but the reality is that it was a life time. I've moved, had a child and pretty much taken a 180 on what I considered important in my life - but in the end I still miss it. I miss the smell of the bar, the sound of feedback, the hussle and bussle of getting all the equipment to and from the venue and most of all practicing.
I miss our dingy old practice space that smelled of stale beer and cigarettes mixed with a hit of mildew and sweat.
I miss creating something and then singing.
One day. (maybe). I just don't see how that would/will ever fit into my life these days. I feel if I ever do get on stage again it would be more of a "The Groomsmen" moment when we all get back together years down the road and give it a go for "old times sake."
Oh memory lane how you make me laugh! A life of booze and cigarettes and live music. Sticky floors, smelly bathrooms, loud people and bright lights. Missing setlists and missing cords (missing drummers).
In the end I love that I can say I did it. I was in 3 bands - no we were no The Who - but at least we took a chance.
Monday, February 8, 2010
I love how I let the world get to me in just a few seconds. I'll wake up happy and dancing and by the time my breakfast is consumed I'm spitting fire and brimstone about nothing specific.
By far this is an annoying trait that I need to work on, but before I start that, here's the list of things ruining my day:
-I need to find homes for my cats. The combination of them and my child is just an timebomb. They are afraid of him, he thinks they're whats for dinner and I spend a better part of my day saying things like, "No sweetie. We don't eat cats."
-I also need it to be warmer out. This "weather in the teens" crap just brings me back to grade school when I'd attempt to stay indoors for recess and the good old nuns would force me out doors. "Unless its below zero, you can go play."
I went to catholic school
I wore a skirt
You can bite me Sister Mary Anne
-My son has his "one month" check up so his doctor can tell me that he's fine. This truly excites me because I know he's fine and it's a $20 copay on top of the $300 balance I own them. So what am I going to do? I'm not going. I'm tired of some crazed and scared medical professionals telling me there is something wrong with my son because he's 16 months old, weighs close to 30lbs and isn't walking.
"He really needs to be walking by now...."
Once again: HE'S 16 MONTHS OLD, WEIGHS CLOSE TO 30LBS AND he's double jointed.
I've taken all of ONE anatomy class in my life and even I remember the portion of the text that states double jointed means "less strength" in the joints. So maybe if I rephrase they'll get it.
"He's a little boy that has never walked and is afraid to, because he falls a lot due to being double jointed. Add to that the mere size and weight of him and I think we can deduce that he's not walking because he feels safer a few inches from the ground rather than his head being 3 feet away from it. That said, how much do you get paid an hours, feel free to write your pay check over to me."
Yes, I know I shouldn't let this stuff get to me, but when the cats are tripping me (or my poor husband who feel down a flight of stairs the other day due to one of them), and my bones hurt because of the wind chill that is drafting through our house and the phone calls from doctors that are more concerned with themselves then my child's well being (oh, they think he may be "slow" or "autistic" too)
The funny thing is I decided to hop online so I could find some text for inspiration for my yoga class I'm teaching this week. This is not very inspiring... I need to go be inspired.
I am done for now.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Today has been a mixture of things.
It started off late last night as I was pained with the side effect of eating tainted food, that carried over to me missing school stuff but then happily turned over into catching up with an old friend.
That part was super nice.
But now I'm back in my annoyed state. No, it's no longer due to bad pad thai, but due to outside forces that I which I had never been part of.
I'm attempting to take these lemons in my life and make them into something I want to be. I want to be a writer and I want to be a yoga instructor. Part of me feels that I am, but no - I'm not done. I haven't come this far in this life to fall short.
I will not fall short.
I'm poor. (You already knew that)
I'm tired. (This is repetition too)
But I'm sassy and there's a fire burning in me and I want this. I want to be able to get what I need when I need and not worry if I'm going to have to sell my husbands kidney. (what? I have enough scars.)
I sit in the morning and I read the news and I see that this world is still in upheaval. I see that people are still losing their jobs. We are still at war.
AIG still thinks their people deserve big bonuses from the money that came out of OUR POCKETS.
What is wrong with this freaking world?
Let me just spell this out as simply as I can. ANYTHING IN EXCESSES IS ABUSE AND IT'S WASTEFUL. Stop being a dick and spread it around. Head down South to Mississippi and Louisiana and lend a hand to some of those folks. Yes, I know the Haiti thing is beyond terrible, but it'll be 5 years and there are STILL people suffering from Katrina. It'll also be 9 years and people are still suffering from 9-11.
That is directed to the owners of places like Wal-Mart. The "Mega" store filled with Mega crap we don't even Mega need.
(I'm extra sassy when I'm tired)
So in closing this is what I have for you tonight:
- Catching up with a friend you've had since you were 7 is amazing! ...that's almost 20 years!! heeheeeheee... (get it... cuz we're only 25... LOLOLOL!)
- Money is stupid
- Uber rich people, like the Walden's who exploit the lower classes is this country have black souls
- People in our country still need our help. Children need FOOD! Homeless need HOMES! And you don't need that extra pair of shoes...
- I will sign a copy of my book for you when it's done
- You will like it
- And then you can come to my yoga class to slowly become enlightened
In the end the only thing in this world that is for sure is that human stupidity and the universe are infinite... "and I'm not sure about the universe..." Albert Einstein.
SIDE NOTE: I know a few people who read this, but most days I pretend that only strangers read my blog. I know this isn't true. But I like my village of make believe, so I allow myself to turn a blind eye to who may really be visiting this site and reading my words.
That said - to all of you I know, I have known, or I kinda know - thank you. If we had a friendship once - thank you for that too. I'd like to say I 'know how I come across' but I don't. At the end of the day I'm just into the simpler side of life. I want to love, laugh and be remembered fondly.
I remember you fondly.
There is one single person on this planet I don't (well 2) and neither of them are an ex-boyfriend/husband. I know I will never be able to tell everyone, how I told my friend today, how much they mean/meant to me. But if I brought you close to me at some point - it mean volumes to me.
If you want to talk shoot me an email, find me on facebook or DM me on twitter.
Friday, February 5, 2010
One of my favorite things in this world is this moment right now. On the days I'm home with my son, when he takes he's way to early morning nap - sometimes I nap with him, and this is a glorious thing. I crawl back into a bed that is still warm from my husbands body heat, wrap myself around a pillow that smells of him, and I doze off for an hour or two.
Today my son has decided he'd much rather play in his bed with his stuffed cat and frog, [I have named these two Farley (the cat) and Harlod (the frog), one day he can name them whatever he would like, but for now Farley and Harlod will do.] I'm lying here, on my husbands side, because that's where I sleep when he is not in the bed, with my trusty new laptop listening to him have full on conversations with these flully beings in a language all his own and all I can do is smile.
When things get all hinkey it's moments like these that bring be back to myself. Moments filled with bodyheated pillows and sheet, baby sneezes and dee dee dee's in the next room, and morning naps that used to make me anxious because - WHAT IF I MISS SOMETHING!???
There is nothing to be missed.
We make ouur lives complicated by searching for things for one reason or another and we all know it doesn't matter. Yes, there are things I'd love to aquire in this life, but over all... it's all good.
Let me repharase that... I've spent a better part of my life making my life hell because the only thing I've ever wanted was to feel accepted - which I never really have. I've skitted from one place to the next looking and at times begging for people to like me, but it never mattered because I've never liked me much. My list of complaints has always been longer than the lenght of the Nile, but admitting that to myself has been hard and still is.
Now, in my mid-30's, I try to look myself in the face and not blame myself or others for my low self-esteem. I just accept it's there and work on getting over it day after day after day. This the long process that has led me to do things like, blog open and honestly about nearly ALL things in my life, make the choice to live a yogic life, really attempt to get my writing career off the ground and not just talk about how "some day" I would like to be a writer, and realize that napping at 8:30 in the morning is not a failure, it's a gift.
And right now... I'm going to indulge.
Good morning nap - HERE I COME!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The general fact that I keep having numerous nervous breakdowns these days is nothing I would (or should) write home about. What it comes down to is that I'm letting myself get the better of myself... That's not very clear is it?
Over the past 1+ year I've taken pride in the fact I can spend large quantities of time "sans gratis" (if you will) other people. Yes, on one hand you can say this is not completely true, my online addiction is just short of my chocolate addiction - but over all I like to think I've learned to control my brain well enough that I'm at a point in my life I can be alone for any given amount of time and not freak the hell out.
That said - I keep crawling inside my brain and verbally accosting myself over nonsensical issues I haven't any power over.
This is overly irritating and it's starting to piss me off.
My latest beef with myself? My teaching abilities as a yoga instructor. The simple fact is that I'm new in this arena of life, add to that I've never really taught before, the whole situation is newer than the iPad. Yet still I feel it's okay to berate myself a failure over a lack of experience.
Why do we do this to ourselves? My logical side of the brain laughs at the other side in a mocking tone and all I can think is that I need to meditate longer and harder.
I just want to have a moments break. I just want to read my book. I just want to stop posting blogs about what I want... HA! (ok - no I don't).
I've had a pep talk. I know I can do it. I even have a class lined up. Now I just need a location and a student body willing to allow me to attack them with my yoga prowess.
So, if you're willing to allow me to put you into an inverted tree pose... you know how to contact me!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Tonight I teach a class, than I have homework, grocery shopping, cleaning, writing and I'd like to read for a little bit. I should take a class but I don't see when I'll have time, plus I have to start meditating a bit more because, well, I just do.
The days are starting to grow longer, which is a lovely thing because I need to get stuff done. I need to stop freaking myself out and get stuff done. I started today off with an awesome quote that just kind of fell into my lap. It's from JFK, "Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life, I find."
With that said! I have too much to to right now in order to make damn sure that won't be happening to me. I mean, how else am I going to land the cover of Yoga Journal? Don't worry, I'll let you know about it on here first.
Golly! I'm going to be on the Yoga Journal cover, PLUS all my publicity about my books and then there's all of the traveling I'll be doing plus my beautiful home in SoCal - that you're ALL invited too! (and with my royalties from my book, I'll fly you and yours in).
There is no second place in our lives is there now?
Time to go be infamous!
Monday, February 1, 2010
I came on here to post a blog and just spent the last hour reading other blogs. What does that mean? It means I probably have about 2 minutes until my son wakes up...
My weekend was a haphazard onslaught of joy that involved me finding out that my back injury from years ago has caused part of my vertebrae to seize up when I need it to do things like support me in inversions. I also found out that most people who act like jerks when they're 16 act the same way when they're 42 - granted I already knew that but I figured I should revisit it.
But it wasn't all negative. I'm sore in ways I can't explain to anyone on this planet (excluding others who are in my class, have taken yoga teacher training, or those people out there that think this is as much fun as I do. They already knnnnoooow the pain.) To give you an example of my weekend, I nailed this pose.
I was elated when it happened but my shoulders hurt because most of the poses we practiced this weekend were all bound - and what I mean by that is how her arms are. I also did a fun supported headstand twist - couldn't find a picture for you...
I only have one more weekend until I'm officially a Yoga Teacher! And that scares the ever living shit out of me. Besides that I've been working on my last 180+ days until my year long death meditation is over. I'm writing up a list of things I want to have accomplished before I "die" on August 9th. The list I have so far is short but includes:
- Taking my son to Covered Bridge Pizza in Andover Ohio. I used to go there when I was a kid and I remember LOVING their pizza and I want him to try it too.
- I want to read "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. I started it years ago but moved in the process and never returned to it. I'm sad that I didn't because I remember liking it.
- Read more - a LOT more. Bye-bye TV
- Write a novella
- Land a Yoga Job
- Become totally vegan
- Have a poem published in a newspaper (feel free to suggest one that I've posted, I enjoy feedback)
And that's all I have for now... It's a good list in my opinion because besides that I have my family and friends I want to spend time with - and I think that's the point of this, to see what IS important so I can concentrate on that rather than stupid gossip and waaay too much television.
I have to say, I do blog better in my head when I'm laying in bed at night, but the invention of a "matrix" type brain plug so I can blog with out even moving my fingers or opening my mouth probably isn't a good thing. Mostly because I'd probably get myself into lots 'o trouble.
Some thoughts I best left snug and safe inside my head...