Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Life: Taking you by storm and making you go... WTF?

Before you can totally understand life, you have to live it.

This seems rather straight forward. It's like the, "write what you know" advice everyone likes to hand out to you when you state, "I'm a writer." The advice is true, and it's very valid but when you don't understand what it means you won't get the results you want.

When I was seven, if you had told me to "write what you know" I probably have gone on a tirade about blowing things up (mostly eggs) in the microwave. My knowledge of said information was lengthy, which would explain the amount of time I spent on cleaning the microwave.  These days I can talk to you, in great detail, about many other things like changing who you are into the person you want to be. (Just to name one of many.)

My biggest comment/advice to make/give would be that the people from your past - there will be a pile of them who refuse to recognize that you've changed at all - they will only refer to you as they've known you and they will point at you when you say "weird" things. Things the old you would have mocked with them.

To each their own I say.

Everyone has their own cooking time, accepting this is a must if you plan to stay friends with people you feel you're growing away from. It may have taken you 3 hours at 475 degrees to get here, but it may take them 8 hours at 350 to catch up with you - all you can  be is patient. Encompass it. Accept it. Assimilate it into your life and for the love of god, stop opening the oven door - you're only letting the heat out and making the time move slower.

As my grandma would say, "Water takes forever to boil when you watch. Put a lid on it and go watch TV!"

My other bit of advice is simply: Trust yourself.

After being angry for a better part of my life - and boy did it show in all the little things I did and said and all the lovely road blocks I put up in my life - when you find something that just puts you at peace... well, its just weird. I mean, I know I did shitty things in my life. Seriously, I'm 34 and no - age and being mean don't go hand in and but I don't know many (if any) people my age that hasn't done at least one crappy thing in their life - so while my list isn't overly extensive, it's still there, and the funny thing about yoga is that it is the oven at 475 that brought me here.

There is no real way for me to explain what yoga is - I can - I have - but at the end of the day it's an unsuspecting event that over takes your life and brings you some place you didn't realize ever existed. It takes all those years of trying and *poof*! No its not a magic act or a "fix" but its a life style that makes you scratch your head. In a good way.

Sometimes I feel like it choose me and not the other way around.
And now my first level of study is almost done and my nerves are shot...

Yesterday I studied for 3 hours on the the 42 questions of my Practice Test for Yoga Teacher Training and today I feel like my brain is mush and the only thing I retained is "The 3 A's of Anusaura Yoga are: Attitude, Action and Alignment" and "The 3 Doshas are Vatta, Pitta and Kapha"

My 9.5 hours of sleep where delightful and needed (plus I had a cool dream) but Friday is nearly here and in the small amount of time that bridges this moment to that one I have 3 classes to take, one to teach and I have to figure out the other 40 questions that range from: What are the names of the 4 books in the Yoga Sutras? to Translate and give commentary on Yogash Chitta Vritti Nirodah.

My heart is pounding and my breaths are growing shorter with each key stroke I make on this page. The two sides of my brain are yelling and laughing at each other while I sit in the middle and try to understand any of it.

This, my friends, is me living my life - and it scares me. Moments like this - moments when I look at 42 questions that make me feel that I may fail this portion of my life causes me to long for the days when I was just angry, because angry me never failed, angry me never tried, angry me was just lazy and, well, angry. These thoughts make me pull out my libra scales and start weighing the pros and cons of the two lives that I carry inside this one body and the question I ask is always the same:

"Do you want to be mad, lazy, angry and safe or scared shitless and some how so much more content?"

And then the answer is the same too.

"Being scared is terribly difficult because it forces me to let go, and when I finally do let go so much great stuff seems to happen." Decision made.

In my awesome crazy dream last night I was sitting at this counter - to my left were these two young woman and to my right was this man (I don't know who he was, but he was my friend). I heard the one woman make some comment about being afraid and I said to her, "The scary thing about life is knowing you have to jump off that cliff and you have to trust that your wings will come out before you hit the ground. But they will. They always come at the right moment."

(the internalization of my fear of failure seems to arise whenever it wants - even when I sleep. lol)

Yes, there are some things in life I will never understand but over all its better to try, so in the end you can at least understand a large portion of it. It's better to allow those scary feelings to move you forward then let those angry ones hold you back.

I mean, hell, life's going to keep moving with our without you - you may as well go along for the ride, right?

Just know it always works out, so why get all flustered over it?
See, when I take my own advice I feel so much better. My heart is now at ease, and that means I can now wash my face, eat some breakfast, drink a little coffee and figure out that Yogash Chitta Vritti Nirodah means "The Restraint of the modifications of the mind stuff is yoga."

Yes, it means that yoga is what helps you change and refine your mind.
Like I said - life style


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