Wednesday, March 31, 2010

BY GOD! SHE'S GOT IT! (is what I wanted to say to the woman who fixed my back)

It's been DAYS since I've written on here... that's just crazy...

My lord, a year ago I would have posted two or three times in one day. Now... I make you wait. (Here's hoping its worth the wait...)

If you know me you may know that I've had back problems for about 2.5 million years. That is to say, I hardly remember a time of my life that didn't involve either large quantities of ibuprofen or naproxen. There was a time that when everyone else was taking their two Aleve a day I was taking two every four hours just to make it through the day.

I even needed help to go to the bathroom because the pain was so intense that I couldn't stand from a sitting position on my own. This is the dream life of many 20 years olds. Yes! It! Is!

These pills that give us relief are like birth control for the nervous system. Just like birth control tell your body that you're already pregnant so it doesn't go through the month cycle, pain pill pull a jedi mind trick on your nervous system, "You feel no pain. These are not the impulses you're looking for."

In the end nothing changes because you're masking the problem - not fixing it.

That's when I found my dear beloved yoga. It helped me walk again (this you all know mostly because I never shut up about it. But how can I? It's made me so damn happy!)
BUT the years of abuse to my body (i.e. car accidents, falls, stupidity) had taken their tole on me and I've been crooked for a long, long time.

Meaning my actual skeletool frame.

My left his was 1" higher than my right. There's a curve in my spine, my ribs are twisted, my rang of motion limited due to all of these wonderful things. So I went to a doctor. They said, "What do you want me to do? You're crooked. Some people are crooked."

Sound advice from someone that makes six figures.

Now it's many years later and I've taken the teacher training and yoga life fast lane and I met this wonderful woman who taught me anatomy. I've never met anyone as passionate as her about what she does - you think I talk a lot about yoga... you have no idea. But honestly, it's contagious I really want to learn more about anatomy.

We all should. It's your body for the love of pete. If you buy a car you learn how to do more than just put gas in it, right? (and if you don't you should)

Now, I know I have a lot of work a head of me. Years of being crooked means years of bad habits from how I stand to how I pouch out my belly, but my hips are even for the first time in about twenty years, and my spine... it feels amazing.

Worth every dollar and I go back for my third visit in a week.
I can't wait.

I feel normal.
I never feel normal. Let me tell you... it's a very good feeling.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I just feel so naked

I've been having problems with my back for years.
It's just been one of those things I just deal with and accept as part of me, but lately my hip has been killing me and I'm just tired of limping.
Now, I've know my body was crooked for a while, a long while, so I finally went in to see this awesome woman who's a bodyworker.
What is a bodyworker you ask?
Good question! She very much is slowly resetting my body, bone by bone, section by section.

Yes. It hurts.

My hips are now level for the first time in probably 20 years.

After a long conversation about things that have happened to me, like car accidents and such, the truth comes out. (I"m guessing now that bumper tag wasn't the best idea we ever had). In the beginning it looks like the car accident I was in when I was 12 may have been the beginning cause of this joy that is me...

As I laid on her table trying to breathe and not cry I started pouring out my life story to this woman and then I finally said it, "When I say it out loud suddenly my life seems nothing less than chaotic."

I've gone over some of the portions of my life, a lot I've left out of here. Yes, my names isn't my name but words are very powerful weapon. I'd much rather be shot than deal with words - and they are one of my great loves.

So I won't say things here.
I don't talk about things that hurt me.
I'm defeating my meditation, because how can I obtain closure if I can't even admit to myself that there is a problem?
When I think of shitty things that happened to me I say this in my head, "Ah.. whatever. It's happened to everyone, right?"

So heres a list - non-descriptive to protect who needs it but here is a list of things I don't like from my past, or things that I know have screwed me up even though I prefer to ignore them (cuz I just wanna be normal):

  • Favorite and the people that play them
  • Liars, gossipers, bullies
  • Fear that someone may not like me
  • Condescending
  • The fact I didn't get away
  • Brian
  • Needless perfection
  • taking it
  • That I'll never be that girl you wanted me to be
  • Lonely
  • Accepting what was said as fact
  • Not trying
  • RYF for making me feel below - no ones below
  • Creditability
  • Quitting
  • Not fighting the good fight
I know thats small but, right now I'm just sad. I'm always surrounded by conflict my whole life and I always say don't know why I am, but lets face it. It's because I'm an enabler. "I'll help you!" And then after a while it gets out of hand and there I am with this problem or that issues and then what?

I freak the hell out and ensues the drama

So there. I've said it. Yes, my past it dotted with stupidity and part of that is solely due to my need to be an enabler. 

I think we just had a break through...
Now... how to fix that... hmm...
I go back next Wednesday. I'll let you know how that ends up.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Life is chaos and sometimes that mean puke

Some days come at you faster than others.
They attack like puma in the brush. One moment you're whistling a happy tune, and the next it's like scene out of Apocalypse Now.

The storm last night sounded like it was on a mission to strike something on my street. A pole or a house, it didn't care. I slept on the couch because of the snoring, plus my blood pressure was just straining the artery walls. Little voices dancing in my head.

Which was a bummer because I had meditate. Normally I'm good after that.

At 5:15a when my son woke, he screamed.
We have a screamer. I can NOT wait till he says more than "one, TWO, three" and "Daddy! Papa!"

Today was day 8 or 9 in a row. The husband has been working a side job so I'm trying to write, put together yoga classes, regular things like clean, laundry, dishes - AND entertain a 17 month old who is done with me.
I learned that I can type with one hand and play with the other.

He was not amused. His papa is only supposed to pay attention to him, not her work.

Then things looked up. First, I was hit with an outstanding amount of generosity from a large group of friends, some I haven't even seen in 15+ years. Second, my appointment for my back was bumped up to Thursday.
Two beautiful nice things that just let you know the world isn't just a pile o' poo-poo.

OH and THIRD! Out of no where, my parents drop off all of this fresh produce including kiwi, avocados, pears, rosemary, sage, basil, romaine, iceberg lettuce, swiss chard, and some squash and some blue berries - AND two huge boxes of diapers... just cuz.

How awesome is that?

My son and I cleaned the refrigerator (I cleaned he said "Papa. Look!") and ate some of the blue berries. This is very exciting because he is allergic to a lot of things and pretty much survives on the B.R.A.T. diet (bananas, rice, apples, toast).

We freshened up and walked into the living room so I could server my little lord and master his dinner.

My son is a "choker" - this is a fun thing where he, well, chokes on food a bunch. Most times its due to him really loving something so he shoves as much in his mouth at once. He pukes. He starts over. But today he got all up in the blue berries and he puked and it shot out of his nose.

The crying wasn't bad until he sneezed. That's when I threw out my back.
He flailed against me like a mad man. Screaming and crying until I was certain he was going to swell up again - just like last year at this time... (custard is bad)
Called my husband crying
Called my parents crying.

He's fine.

Just doesn't like puke coming out of his nose. I can't say I blame him. That does suck.
But now... now I'm looking at this and thinking. Yes, that was terrible, but he's 100% A-OK and all those other wonderful things.

I just need to feed him slower.
Otherwise, today was rad...

Thank you.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Afrocelt - Featuring Peter Gabriel "When You're Falling"

1,000 years ago when I left my first husband (and lost 40 lbs) I sat in my parents attic in misery. I was a failure. 25 years old and I had it all. I had a job that they wanted to "fast track" me on. I owned my own home. I was married. Three cats.... You know... the American dream. (pretty much)

I was miserable.
I hate myself.
I was drinking every night until I passed out.

So with the help from a friend, some sound advice from another friend, I left it all behind. I left my husband, I quit my job, I took my cats and I started a new life.

25 and I started over.

There was this song. "When You're Falling" by Peter Gabriel.
It came on at work and I remember standing there and just letting it sink into my very soul. I felt he wrote it for me, he was saying "Yes, it's hard. Yes, people are talking, but one day you'll be so happy that this moment won't mean a damn thing."

One day.

When you're at that moment it's hard to see into the future. It's hard to see that those dark moments are just as long as the good ones because you dwell and your skin prunes up in them until all you can do is cry and cry and cry.

One day.

This song, the Peter Gabriel song was on an album called "Afro Celt Sound - "Volume 3 - Further in Time"

No, the irony is not lost on me.
These are they lyrics:

Every day, you crawl into the night
a fallen angel, with your wings set alight
when you hit the ground, everything turns to blue
I can't get through the smoke, that's surrounding you

'cause when you're falling
I can't tell which way is down
and when you're screaming
somehow I don't hear a sound
and when you're seeing things
then your feet dont touch the ground
'cause when you're falling
I can't tell which way is down

I can see through the clouds, I can walk right through the walls
Hang me off the ceiling, but I can't take the fall
should I cross the river, when I may get swept away
out there on the water, you can still see me wave

'cause when you're falling
I can't tell which way is down
when you're falling
I can't tell which way is down

I can see all those things
My feet don't touch the ground..

'cause when you're falling
I can't tell which way is down
and when you're screaming
somehow I don't hear a sound
and when you're seeing things
then your feet don't touch the ground
'cause when you're falling
I can't tell which way is down

and when you're screaming
somehow I don't hear a sound

I'm not even sure how they applied to my life then. How they meant anything other than a reason to dance again. Hell, a reason to dance at all, because when you're there and those people who were supposed to be your friends, the ones that were in your wedding party say things they think you can't hear and your soon to be ex says its true...

You need to dance. You need to spread your wings and fly.
You need to fall. You need to scream.

Now its years later and my life isn't even a glimpse of what it was back then. I have a son that calls me papa, a husband that calls me sexy, I write every day and I'm a yoga teacher.

All things that I love - but still I get all sad and do the pity party dance. "Why me?!!"

Why? Because with out disruption you can never move forward, if life never changed... who wants that?

This is that time, this is that "one day" and while I get frustrated and sad at times I know this. I know I'm lucky and I also know that 9 years later, when I hear "When You're Falling" it still makes me want to dance.

And you know what? I think I'm going to!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Thank the mother of all gods that it's freaking friday... lame-a-tron.

On days I'm not very sure about most things, and I'm fairly certain that I'll never be sure about everything.
At least all at once.

This week has been a trail of so much.
It's been a test to every part of me.

Starting this new phase of my life I knew that it would be an up hill battle. I knew that it wouldn't be easy. But some days are better than the others and today I'm tired and worn out. Today I want to cry.

My body hurts. My period is missing. My mind is all over. No one has showed up for any of my classes.
It'll come. It's a process. This I know.
Still doesn't make it any easier.

I ate some bad food the other night and then went to bed. Fast, shitty, food is not my friend. It wasn't my friend when I ate meat and dairy - it really not my friend now. So I had night mares that people showed up to my class tonight and then they all abandoned me 15 minutes in. That terror turned into me becoming pregnant (which I'm not) and I cried and cried and cried.

This girl needs some therapy! SHOE therapy... damn. no. the real kind. crap.

But speaking of which, this next Thursday I'm going to a body worker to find out where it all went wrong. She is a talented woman who can look at your body and tell you what is so wacked out that you're not leaning to the left. (I'm now leaning to the left) I'm assuming it's a compounded mess that is the end result of years of back problems and poor posture.

I'm sure I'll update you on it.

This too will pass. But before it does  - this cloud of emotional doom just makes me shudder and whimper to myself.

At least tomorrow is spring.
Soon... ohhh... soon.

Good night!
And  - Om shrim maha lakshmiyei swaha


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Death to TV

Over the past few months I've developed this great love hate relationship with my television. Most days I just want to launch the damn thing into the lake and be done with it. It takes up time, money and space in my life.

Yes, the item that went from close friend to becoming one of the biggest monkeys on my back.

If my husband is home the blasted boob tube is on ALL THE TIME. An example. As I sat feeding our son breakfast (at 7 am. "early to bed. early to rise") I was telling the boy how we could go to the park today and swing on the swings and slide down the slide.

From the other room I heard, "It should be a nice one! When I turned on the TV at 5:30 this morning..." and then I blacked out.

I try to stay impartial.
He's in love with the thing.
If he ever left me it would be for a 56" Sony Flat Screen.
It's his little Isle of Paradise.
Long day of work = ass on couch, remote in hand (or hidden so the little one doesn't eat it.)

And then it happens... we run through our night, baby, food, bath, and... ass on couch, remote in hand. And my butt is planted next to him.

Two years ago I just sat there.
Now I get so freaking antsy that after about a hour (tops) I have to get up. (This would also explain why my TV Blog is just a thing that sits there on the internet.)

"But I want to spend time with you." he tells me.

This isn't us spending time together. This is us sitting on the couch watching a bunch of stupid television shows I care little to nothing about. And you know what? Part of me feels bad saying that, because a very few of the shows I like, but I find if I forget their on... whatever... right?
And now it's in the 40's (at 5:30 in the morning, that's what the TV told my husband) so I REALLY don't want to be inside.

Maybe it's because I'm a stay at home mom these days and my house has become a coffin due to shitty weather and well, shitty weather. But now I'm doing the yoga thing and I'm writing every day and the sun is shining and I want to be out in it.

[there was a long time I didn't want to be in the sun because I was afraid it would age me - oh yeah, I TOTALLY know how vein that sounds. Now, I don't care. I like my gray hair. I love my wrinkles. They're my trophies that say, "HEY! I EARNED IT! GET THE FREAKING HELL OUTTA MY WAY!"]


I have 143 days left - forty of them will be spent in meditation. I would also like to have the first draft of my book done.

That said, I'm shutting my pie hole so I can shower and get with it.
You know, before I want to launch my blog out the window to sit on my law with the TV.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Yoga Class and Green Beer

I want to write this morning, but I feel I should be preparing for my class at 12:30. I need to meditate, read, relax and prepare.

I'm nervous. Can you tell?

Monday I taught my friend, which was nice, but today I'm hoping for actual students. Oh, students! Wonder what that will be like? LOL.

I started this week of with the intention of speaking about Satya, which is the second yama in yoga and it means "truthfulness." While I was still in training I spoke about Ahimsa or "non-violence" so I'm making my way through the "10 Commandments" of yoga (if you will) but lucky for me there are only 5 yamas.


Next week: Asteya or "Non-Stealing"
Then: Brahmacharya - "Moderation" (or celibacy for the extremist)
And finally: Aparagrah - "Non-Position" just in time for the "Spring Cleaning" season!

Then I will make it over to the niyamas:
Saucha - purity
Santosh - Contentment
Tapas - Austerity
Swadhyaya - Study
Ishvar Pranidhana - Surrender

So you should come join me and get all sweaty as I talk about being honest to yourself!

Outside of the yoga madness I'm embracing today, it's also St. Patrick's day. Last year I went to the park with my son, this year - yoga, meditation and getting past page 55. I also think I'm going to go for a walk and then read a bit.

My week began with chaos mixed with all the lovely feelings of self doubt I tend to carry in my heart. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself. I've been trying to figure that out for years. I've actively forgave myself for some human mistakes I've made, so I guess the only thing I can do is wait longer.

Time heals all wounds, even the ones you think are impossible to heal.

Maybe it's the uncertainty of my future? Uncertainty is a hard thing - not having a known finish line is a hard thing. So, once again, I'll wait. I'll sit and meditate and wait and I'll see what comes next.

I'm hoping that I'll unexpectedly come into a few hundred thousands dollars so I can relax a bit more in that area... maybe I'll meditate on that... hmm... and then I'll eat.

Hope you have a wonderful and safe St. Patrick's Day!
And if you are from the area, come and detox with me for an hour from 12:30-1:30 at Traditional Martial Arts on Engle Road, in Middleburg Heights.

I bow to you - Namaste

Monday, March 15, 2010

Pity Party - table for 1 please!

I came on here to write about my day.
It was my first public yoga class - no one came.... no worries, I half expected that no one would. This isn't the problem.

The problem is my pity party. The pity party that is induced by yet another problematic encounter with random crazies.


You see, I don't understand why I always fail in the "friend" department, but I do. It just is. You may even call it an "Epic Fail" due to the insurmountable quantity of these endeavours in my life.

It's embarrassing.

Like I said, this is a pity party, so I understand the need to flee - but alas the situation is still rather annoying. Things just always seem to work out this way for me, so that just leads me to believe I must be the issue, because who can't keep a friend?

Be it some weird fracture in my personality or the fact that they're just using me, doesn't change the fact that I'm at a loss.

(Want an umbrella for your drink? I have 8. It makes my sorrow juice looks super pretty...)

I'm trying the whole "bright side of life" thing but right now I'm more concerned with holding my pride near my heart as I remove the latest thorn.

I know 24 hours can change 1,000 different things - but for now I want to wallow and ask why, oh why, must I be the biggest loser on the planet? And then I want to go crawl under a blanket and hide. Till I'm 64.

In my next life... screw it - I'm coming back as carpet lint. At least then I won't be surprised when I get walked on.

Time to end this pity party...
enjoy your drink (mine tastes like watermelons with a hint of ego)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Just remember that you shouldn't be grabbing at the roses... just smelling them

Going out and catching up with old friends is always a fun time.
However, the hang over the next day is not.

But you do what you have to do, right? Having friendships is an important part of life - but sometimes I feel like I try to hard... even when I know I don't.


I was going to write a "Letter to No One" but, and I'm assuming this is the adverse affect of bad beer and very little sleep (I'm feeling a bit sappy and depressed) but I decided can't write it, because I'm not getting all humorous as I would like.

Instead I'm just crying into my Wheaties.

I supposed the past year I've dedicated to finding closure in various parts of my life could never be an obtainable goal. It would make me inhuman if I didn't have some sort of string or baggage following me around like a big old monkey on my back...

What it comes down to is that with certain people I openly allow myself to be misled - its not one of my favorite traits, but it is part of me. I see these people and think of a time so long ago it may have never really existed and I yearn for it again - but some friendships are just doomed from the beginning and then I throw my hat in and say that I feel this way because I've always been the one in control of my life.

And when you're the dumpee and not the dumper... its just old story.

As they say, time heals all wounds, but for some reason I always feel the need to pick at the scab of this one, just to make extra sure that it never heals right and when if finally does - I'll have a big honking scare that will be there to remind me of how I should be on guard - at all times.

Even when I don't want to.
Even though I think I shouldn't be that person.
How can you life a full life if you keep putting up walls and gates?

So yes, my drunken debauchery was filled with momentary laps of reasonable fun that I hoped would lead to more fortuitous momentary lapses but now I'm sit with a half written Letter to Someone I'll never give it to them, a tottering feeling in my belly that is taking over and this need to go eat a bunch of chocolates before I dry off my Wheaties...

Back to meditating and writing.
I like them.
I love them.

good night.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Writing, breathing and meditation

I've been writing a lot this past week.
I'm very proud of myself and after I'm done here I'm going to get back to it. Back to tapping keys and making pretty words so that one day you can pick up a copy of this gem at your local mega book store. (or buy the ebook)

Chaos is a fabulous thing that acts as a whirlwind in my life. It's like a tiny tornado that lifts me off my feet and whirls me around until I'm not sure where I end or life begins.

I start teaching on Monday - this is a beautiful thing and I feel I may burst at the seams just thinking about it.
My son is getting better at walking - as long as he can hold on tight to my hands. I can't say I mind. I like when he holds on tight to me, because I can hold on tight right back.
My husband is writing again - this is so very thrilling. Writing is the thing that brought us together. It's the reason we ever even spoke at all.

The week's move so fast and this pay check to pay check life is wearing to say the least but, still, most days I'm happier than I ever was when I could just drop $200 cuz I was bored. Which I was a lot.

That all said - I'm feeling a bit disconnected these days.
I need to meditate.
I used to do it every night - now I don't. Now I say I need to meditate, and I don't.

Tonight I pulled out my book, the book I first meditated from and tonight - after the writing that will be coming next (:)) I'm going to go meditate. You should join me. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do and it's one of the most worthwhile.

Kinda like kids!

Actually, it's just like that. Those thoughts in your brain that you collect from day in and day out of living life just collected like rain drops in a bucket - and when you pay no attention to that bucket, sooner or later it's going to over flow. So you sit down and meditate - you sit and watch those drops of rain and decide which ones to keep in your bucket and which ones are just muddying up your brain.

Looking that intimately at yourself is hard.

But let me tell you this.
Once I looked at myself so closely, like I was watching to make sure my son doesn't chew on electrical cords... (it was a long day) you can do other things.
Since I started meditating I've reestablished relationships with old friends - one of which I've known since I was 7 - we talk nearly every day. Another I've known for 10 years. And I just made a new friend by chance on Facebook of all places.

Me. Miss "I only talk to the people in my group"
What group?

I went back to school to become a yoga instructor.
Me. Miss "You'll only see me running if somethings chasing me"
My butt and so many other things have chased me.

It started here.
It moved to meditation.
And who knows what's next?

So give it a try.

Breath in and out and count to 10, like this:
Breath in - 1 - breath out
Breath in - 2 - breath out

If something pops into your head - note it and just let it pass.

It'll all be there when you're done. Trust me.

With each long deep breath in think LET
With each long deep breath out GO

Time to write - time to meditate - time to let go...
good night.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Keep on keeping!

I find that I'm coming on here and I'm blogging about this and that and when it comes time for me to stop - I 'save now' instead of posting....

Am I becoming overly timid?

I'm not very sure what the deal is. But I've turned my blog into a Doogie Hauser online diary that, well, I already have that - its called MS Word.

I've been so busy lately most days I'm just running like a crazy woman. Between my classes starting in less than a week to writing daily, catching up with old friends, going to a reunion to catch up with more old friends, meeting a new on on Monday, having a meeting tonight, then the normal baby/husband, eating, sleeping and what-have-you... all I can do is smile.

Sound funny doesn't it?

My husband worked 3rd shift on Monday so yesterday he was home. We had the grandparents take the little one and just spent (most) of the day together. (I had a massage in the morning that I wasn't going to miss!!) We went for a walk and discussed which was longer, last winter or this one.

I said last winter.
He said this one.

This one flew by for me. Between yoga school, blogging, being a mom through and through, and just finally getting my shit together - this crappy cold and snow ridden winter is nearing it's end. (and yes I know that last sentence will invoke bad weather for the next week or so. Simply put, I don't care.)

I came on here one night and cried my way through a bad time. I listened to you, who I do consider my friends. No, maybe we won't be meeting up at the corner bar anytime soon, but I don't think that definition is the only one for friends. People who read sappy blogs and then comment, regardless, you're all angels. LOL!

But now I'm getting timid...

Isn't it funny how its easy as hell to share the bad stuff but the good stuff... no... then I feel like I'm bragging. But I'm not.

I like being busy and writing every day. I love yoga and the anticipation in my soul about next Monday. I don't even mind that much that I'm walking off a head cold. (I do mind a little, just not that much...)

I think the funniest part is, right now I have a lot of reasons to not be happy - but they're all material. At some point something changed and that doesn't matter. So I can't afford a new outfit for my night out on Saturday, whatever. I'll make do, I always do!

And I'm sure it'll be fun! (if you don't remember the last time I had a night out... read here.)

And I promise I'll blog about it next week!

Monday, March 8, 2010


I just finished eating a homemade burrito. This is the third day of the same food.
I know what you're thinking... why?
And the answer is simple. I made enough food to feed six people and it was all for myself - SO - I'm going to be eating it for a while. Mostly I don't mind.

I like homemade burritos.

I've been working hard at getting my life together, the on going process of the last year or so is now cumulating and things should be at peace soon. Just have to keep working at it and then I can't really complain - because at least I tried, right?

Well, this is officially the shortest blog in this history of me - my son just woke up.
And that would be the shortest nap of his life...

lol... Oh well!
maybe I'll be back.
maybe I'll go read more of The Road.

maybe, maybe, maybe

Friday, March 5, 2010

156 left to go - FREEDOM

There are 365 days in a year and I'm at 156 days left.
How is it that we think a year is long? What changes to make us see it's just a blink of an eye?
Yes, it's growing up, but I never felt it until my son. I never accepted it until I started this journey, forcing myself to look at the world and better yet, to look at myself.

Because we don't do that do we? We don't stop and look at ourselves.

We look at our bills, our houses, our cars. We look at our friends and our families but we don't look inside, god only knows what the hell we will find.

No one wants to stop and find out that they're the asshole in the room, they'd much rather it be that guy over there. You know, the one with the hat?

Time moves so fast and we freak out at 30 because we think we're "old." - 30 isn't old. 30 isn't the tip of the iceberg. We are mere children who were raised by TV shows that said we should be this, that and the other thing in this neat time frame and if we don't do that - god help us, everyone.

156 days - that's less time then I was in training to be a yoga teacher and look how fast that went?!

So heres what you do:
#1 - forgive yourself for what ever it is you are abusing yourself over. You are you and that is great. There are to many phonies in this world that are filled with nothing but a vacuous thoughts. Be different. Be crazy. Be weird. Just be you. AND stop apologizing for it.

#2 - forgive them. Who ever they are. That person that you are still holding a grudge against or a flame for or whatever it is. It is what it is and it's over so build a bridge and get over it. You can't change the pass - it's over - so wave your hand in the air and brush it away. Today is now. Not whenever that thing happened.

#3 - there is so much out there that is freaking sweet. So many people you have yet to me. What's that saying? "A stranger is a friend you haven't met yet." Think of all the new things you'll learn. The new places you will go. The idea on it's own is so exciting. Embrace it. Love it.

#4 - those people you love and never tell you love them because they "know" you love them. Tell them. Buy them a coffee. Get them some flowers. Show up with a 6 pack, but tell them you love them. They need to hear you say it and you need to hear you say it. Then hug them. There is nothing wrong with hugging.

#5 - just be. Life really is like a river. The flowing and at time raging Mississippi. You can NOT control its current, so why the hell are you trying? Just get on your wooden raft and float off with Jim to freedom. When you spend all your time trying to control it or trying to figure out what other people are doing or why are people are doing what they're doing - you miss it.
Don't miss it. It's awesome.

It isn't tomorrow. It's right now.
It's 10:36pm on a Friday night on blogger where you're expressing how much you've learned.

I've learned the above.
I've learned that I'm not afraid to say "I love you" to whomever I love - regardless.
I'm not afraid to be me.
I like me. HOLY CRAP! I LIKE ME!

That thing that used to sit in my stomach, that thing that used to tear me apart, it's gone.

We hold things so close because we're so afraid to lose them, but we don't accept that what they say is true, to be free you have to just let it all go.
If it's meant to be, it'll be back.
And when it happens you'll smile and you'll think, "go me!"


Go MEE!!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010


before the end
there will come a time
when I am yours
and you are mine
we will see the light
we will know the truth
we will be together
endless timeless youth
we will be
we will be
we will be nothing
when the time grows short
and panic sets in
will you be right here
will you be my friend
will you be around
at all

I never can say

so I just sit here
and contemplate
whirl it around
what will I rate
and do I even want to
know in the

I fear the answer
is the same as before
and I close the windows
and every door
just to be as safe
as I can possible be
hidden away
but not trapped
I know what it's like
not to be free

I'd rather walk away
and just...


before the end
there will come a time
when I am yours
and you are mine

right now
my head is

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Art of Blogging

When I started doing this five years ago it was nothing more than a joke, a way to make my friends laugh who "followed" me on myspace. I spent most of my time ranting and raving about a number of things from stupid new articles to the weather and very much everything else in between.

But let's be honest, there really is an art form to blogging.

When I moved over to here- to blogger, a year ago in January, it was a venting platform - it still is.
When I have conversations with people about "blogging" in the real world, what it is, what its about. I stand by my words that it's the future - not so much the diary aspect of it - but our media will be here, online, long after the last trees has been pulped into paper that blank ink letters are stamped into it.

[That will be an interesting day seeing the Logging Industry is such a little "go getter" our economy... but hey - they'll just make paper pants or something.]

So what is blogging?
What is there to blog about?
Why should YOU blog too?

Like I said - this is my ranting platform. I come here to tell my woeful tales to those who will listen. Some days it's funny, some days its sad, some days its a poem and some days I'm not even sure I know what it is. But this is me - I don't have a funny take on the current Administration, I don't want to only write about yoga (even though I do a lot) - I don't want to hand out tips on how to raise your children (I'm sure my "every things better when you're upside down" parenting theory won't make the next revision of "What to Expect When You're Neurotic") I just have my daily life that is very much just a normal daily life.

You can use your art to blog about whatever you want. Puppies or cupcakes. Pirates or Marauders. Weather or Canning. The choices are unlimited.

I think the hardest thing is finding the time to do it. Yes, some weeks there are many pockets of moments to steal from my other responsibilities, but then there are days like today where it's just me running with my hands by my ears so I can bat the bad away as I make it to the finish line.

I think I'll just keep my art form to the subtleties my life.
Of my son standing.
Of an unexpected text from an old friend.
Of a song that just sings through me.

The Art of Blogging keeps me sane and yes, maybe some days what I talk about mean little or nothing to you (my reader), or maybe there is that day when what I say is some how a mirror of your life but in the end I hope its both. Yes it saves me, but I hope that it somehow saves you too.

A twist of words that carry you through the air until you finally realize that you've learned nothing new, because I find with those moments you'll find most things that mean everything to you.

Why should you blog? How do you know you should?
If you've ever considered it for even a moment you should blog. There is someone out there that wants to hear you - even if it's just one person from a suburb just outside of Cleveland proper. :)

I write today because of this blogs
I write today because of you

So when you read a title of a blog and it sounds like the content is going to tell you to NOT do something because it's an art - jump inside because we're all artists in our own right. Maybe my art ins't for you and your's isn't for me - but it's still art.

My five minutes of freedom is up.
good night

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

the who and the what; the where and the when

Sometimes I think
about the who
and the what
the where
and the when
I grow sad because I didn't
do this or that
even though I realize
I didn't for a reason
even though I know
I'm not yet dead
there is still time
reasons always change
or just go

I think of the who
and the what
the where
and the when
I wonder what
it would have been like
I wonder what
and I close my eyes
tighter than you should
so the images popped
it all plays like a movie
from 1903
skipping and jumping
scratched to
high hell

and there it is
the who
and the what
the where
and the when

in faded black and white
cepitone with captions
in reflection of a
repetitively doomed life

thank god
those moments

Monday, March 1, 2010

Step 1 - COMPLETE! And on to the next...

Yesterday I completed my yoga teacher training. Yes, I am officially a yoga teacher trainer and that means you need to hire me to teach you yoga.


Now I'm going to start writing again. Writing and reading and cleaning my house that was hit by that tsunami that was supposed to hit Hawaii. Yes, CNN, it hit my living room, dining room, most of my kitchen and let's not forget the bathrooms.

Holy hell. That's all I can say about that.

I'm in the best mood and I'm sad at the same time because, yes, now my weekends are MY WEEKENDS again but I no longer have a simple reason to see some pretty awesome chicks. To say this experience changed my life may sound cliche but it did. It made me a better and more positive person. It makes me smile. It makes me look in the mirror and NOT hate the chick staring back at me.

One of my oldest friends wrote me today telling me she is tired of being around people that just don't make her smile, and I think that she and I are not the only two people out there that feel this way. Due to responsibility and life we find ourselves in theses situations that are negative. That make us feel like bad people and like we have to do bad things to live the "life."

If you aren't in that situation, look at those people around you and thank them.
Tell them you love them.

But now I must go! I had planned on writing a long blog, but my house... well, you read the opening to this... its just no good!