Thursday, March 25, 2010

I just feel so naked

I've been having problems with my back for years.
It's just been one of those things I just deal with and accept as part of me, but lately my hip has been killing me and I'm just tired of limping.
Now, I've know my body was crooked for a while, a long while, so I finally went in to see this awesome woman who's a bodyworker.
What is a bodyworker you ask?
Good question! She very much is slowly resetting my body, bone by bone, section by section.

Yes. It hurts.

My hips are now level for the first time in probably 20 years.

After a long conversation about things that have happened to me, like car accidents and such, the truth comes out. (I"m guessing now that bumper tag wasn't the best idea we ever had). In the beginning it looks like the car accident I was in when I was 12 may have been the beginning cause of this joy that is me...

As I laid on her table trying to breathe and not cry I started pouring out my life story to this woman and then I finally said it, "When I say it out loud suddenly my life seems nothing less than chaotic."

I've gone over some of the portions of my life, a lot I've left out of here. Yes, my names isn't my name but words are very powerful weapon. I'd much rather be shot than deal with words - and they are one of my great loves.

So I won't say things here.
I don't talk about things that hurt me.
I'm defeating my meditation, because how can I obtain closure if I can't even admit to myself that there is a problem?
When I think of shitty things that happened to me I say this in my head, "Ah.. whatever. It's happened to everyone, right?"

So heres a list - non-descriptive to protect who needs it but here is a list of things I don't like from my past, or things that I know have screwed me up even though I prefer to ignore them (cuz I just wanna be normal):

  • Favorite and the people that play them
  • Liars, gossipers, bullies
  • Fear that someone may not like me
  • Condescending
  • The fact I didn't get away
  • Brian
  • Needless perfection
  • taking it
  • That I'll never be that girl you wanted me to be
  • Lonely
  • Accepting what was said as fact
  • Not trying
  • RYF for making me feel below - no ones below
  • Creditability
  • Quitting
  • Not fighting the good fight
I know thats small but, right now I'm just sad. I'm always surrounded by conflict my whole life and I always say don't know why I am, but lets face it. It's because I'm an enabler. "I'll help you!" And then after a while it gets out of hand and there I am with this problem or that issues and then what?

I freak the hell out and ensues the drama

So there. I've said it. Yes, my past it dotted with stupidity and part of that is solely due to my need to be an enabler. 

I think we just had a break through...
Now... how to fix that... hmm...
I go back next Wednesday. I'll let you know how that ends up.

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