Wednesday, April 28, 2010


For some reason it still doesn't matter. Most everyone I can brush off. From the man in the stupid over sized Hummer that he just had to have to family members who still buy me gifts that I stopped liking 17 years ago.

I just say "svaha" and I let it go. (what does that mean? "so be it." or more to todays standards "whatever!")

But there are a slim few that get my mother fraking goat and I can svaha until I'm blue in the face - the anger is still there. AND DRIVING ME BONKERS!


This constant back and fort in certain situations is nothing more than a piece of paper being folded back and forth on the same line. Back and forth until the fibers are so broken down a small tug just pulls it into two.
No one wants to be pulled into two over something that is aggravating and annoying.

It pulls me from my goals and then I sit here and ramble in my bed about the utter frustration I'm in over a situation that will never do more than stagnate in the back of my head - rotting like a dead corpse and bringing with it all the joys that come with the carrion that sits in the metaphorical living room of my mind.

Fruition will never occur
Only the middle section of Ground Hogs Day
With out all the piano lessons

In life we meet the people we meet when we're supposed to. I believe that. I've believed that for many years longer than I've been into yoga. I believe in reincarnation, I know this isn't everyones cup of tea but it's just one of those things that fit perfectly into my life. I believe in karma and purpose and intention and hope - I even try to have faith.

But its hard.

It's so ever loving beyond formidable I merely would like to lock myself in my closet for about a week and do nothing but devour bar after bar after bar of the dark newman's organic (rain forest safe) chocolate bars I miss so much.

I've figure out most things.
I've figured out most people. People are easy - most people are scared, lonely, tired, hungry, all of those things. They just need a ear, someone to say "You're doing great!" or even a beer here and there  and it's great, because then they usually do the same for you - but every once in a while... BLURG

I asked the Universe for a sign earlier today - I received one that had nothing to do with my question.
Does that mean it had everything to do with my question? I DON'T KNOW!

I will use the word "chump" in relation to myself at this moment.
34 years I have "gone with the flow" of life and enjoyed most minutes of it. Like my beliefs, no it's not for everyone, but it suits me just fine. Mind your Ps and Qs - be polite - keep your word and most of all have fun.

I always say "you ask for advice when you know the answer but want someone else to tell you it's okay to not listen to that voice in your head." - I should take my own advice.

Now I feel calmer and I feel I'm going to svaha my way into sleep.
I only wrote two pages today but tomorrow is another story.
I hope that story is nicer than the one playing in my head right now...

good night.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Walking down memory lane is one hell of a good time!

Right now I'm sleepy.
I didn't make it home till well after 1am and today I went to this freaking awesome 2 hours back bending yoga class with Kathryn Budig. (If you ever have a chance to take a class with her I TOTALLY recommend it.)

Granted I was a mess due to the whole "being out till well after 1am" portion of the day. Plus I was drinking - so I realize I must have smelled like a bar floor. Which is always amazing in yoga.

My sides are a little sore at the moment, but in general it really was worth it. The only thing I'd do different would be NOT to go to a mini-reunion the night before and get all drinky drink on Harp! Totally should have separated the two into different weekend! Hindsight. It's like the GREATEST thing ever! lol.

Last night was crazy.
I've never really being one for reunions of any sort - more of the "Thank the gods THAT is over! Now lets get moving!" kinda gal - but since I've started this death march my perspective has changed. Yes, I'm glad THAT is over, but it happened for a reason an in the process I met some awesome people.

(Including THE BEEZE - he's supposed to have a "Monday Moaning" featuring our farcical adventure down memory lane.)

I spent the night with some people who I haven't seen (one of them at least) since I graduated from high school. Which was like 8 or 9 months ago... HA! (1994)

In life you will meet thousands of different people, but you will make very few friends. I was reminded of that last night. I was reminded why I spent so many nights sleeping over these girls houses. Drinking with them at parties. Driving around aimlessly for hours because we were underage and the only club that would let us in was torn down to put up a walgreens.
I was reminded why all of them were ever in my life - they all taught me something way back then and then again last night when I realized that those moments I feel like I'm alone - I'm not.

I've never been alone.
I'll never be alone.

High school sucked for everyone. It's just a part of life. You're young, you don't know your ass from your elbow, people are shoving their views down your throat, puberty, peer pressure and then if you're really lucky you went to a dilapidated all girl school filled with the Creme da la Creme of administration and teaching staff who decided to label you as a stoner and then write you off as a lost cause... or was that just me?

Regardless in those times, in the heat of those moments, in the depths of freaking hell that is high school, you meet some of the greatest people. As you grow you may forget, get caught up (you know... the premise for "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2") but at the end the day, even when you haven't seen them in 16 years - they're probably still there.

I believe you are a reflection of the people you hang out with. They are that blurb on the back of your NYTimes Bestseller that is your life - and I'm happy that these people were my "blurb."

Yes, we were in band and on stage crew (aka drama club) but we had the most fun ever ALL the time. Don't forget where you're from my friends, those things - these people, they made me who I am today.

And right now, I really like me.

Thank you for last night. Let's do it again before another 16 years passes (crap that would make me 51... LOL!)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Fights in my Head

I have the conversations in my head.
I'm sure I've spoken about it. It's been an on going thing in my life for as long as I can remember.
Sometimes its civil.
I'll have bland conversations with people I don't see or a few I don't commiserate with any longer due to really long stories I don't feel the need to talk about on here. These are people I used to talk to three and four times a day.

Now we don't talk or I hardly ever talk to them. Over all its better that way.

Then there are the fights.

I know this one kid. (I'm pretty sure he'd borderline genius.) He's borderline insane most days - this is one of the reasons I love him (the other is his girlfriend. She's as cute as summer time and apple pie.) I confessed to him one drunk night that I had these conversations and fights in my head.

He looked at me super serious and said, "You too. Great. I thought it was just me!" But he has been known to take the conversations and fights and make them happen.

I never go that far.

I'm a bit more rational. I understand that these things are in my head and that's where they'll stay.
Especially the fighting.
If I ever said some of the things out loud that I say in these fights, I would be one of the most asinine people on the planet - rude to the Nth degree and down right mean. But when the brain fighting is happening, I lose myself in the heat of the moment - anticipating what they'll say next and firing back!

I've been called a "fire cracker" (not in a long time, but I still hold onto it as a compliment) This is very true after I've had one or two. You break my balls I'll break yours right back. (please excuse the metaphor)


But lately I can't take it.
I can't take the conversations in my head and the fighting with these undisclosed people because... what the hell does it solve?

Its like gossip.
When you sit around and bad mouth people for doing things you don't think are "right" or up to "par" its merely a reflection of yourself, not of them. AND it doesn't effect them at all because they can't hear you so all you're doing it ruining your own day.

What's the point.

Meditation used to work on the whole "Conversations in my Head" crisis in my life - but lately...

I'm assuming it's spring.
With the winter thaw it ups the chances of me actually SEEING the people I'm fighting in my brain and I guess I rather not see them at all.

I have some great memories.
I do - but there was a big fat convoluted mess way back when and it's been ages but it hasn't changed.
The outcome is much the same.

I'm sure you're saying just leave. Walk away. Forget them.
I'm trying.

I try every day. Some are good - but like I said... spring.

These fights in my head always end the same. My voice yelling, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING! SHUT UP!!"

Then I laugh.
Don't worry, the men with the white coats will be here soon...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Guess I'll be the crazy one

When I was little I always liked when my bed was by the window. At night I would lay in bed and wish on the stars, almost talk to them about everything in my life.

I always loved them. Probably because they are so far away and so foreign. When you don't know what something is really like is the time we tend to project our happiest ideals on it. In the end I'm happy I'm not an astronaut because if I were to find out the stars where nothing mystical at all I would be sad.

But to  me - they look like freedom.

Now that I'm in my 30's my bed isn't by the window. It's by a wall as far away from the windows that we can get. No, my love of laying in bed and wishing on stars hasn't dissipated with age, my neighbors are loud and annoying. So I miss out.

I get to see the stars when I come home late at night. I'm happy to report that they're still there.

When I meditate I think about them. I think about how I've been running away from this life since as long as I can remember. That's what I asked for when I was talking and praying and wishing all those years ago. "Dear God, please make me normal. Please let me find someone like me. Please. Please. Please."

At seven I knew I was eccentric. I told my sister that I had better be rich because the rich are eccentric - the poor are just crazy. It's true. Money changes everything, even when you wish it had that much power over you. No matter how much you have, you want more and then its still never enough.

I hate money.

Yes I'm that social liberal moron that wish we could all just "get along" but then jack asses just show me time and time again how that will never be. Our country is run like a 7-11. It's a business.
I feel social programs are important - WE are a country, not just the guy with the gold lined pockets, but he controls the government.

Money. I ruins everything it touches.

Jimmie Cox knew it when he wrote "Nobody Loves You When You're Down and Out" - my favorite is the Nina Simone version.

Once I lived the life of a millionaire,
Spent all my money, I just did not care.
Took all my friends out for a good time,
Bought bootleg whisky, champagne and wine.

Then I began to fall so low,
Lost all my good friends, I did not have nowhere to go.
I get my hands on a dollar again,
I'm gonna hang on to it till that eagle grins.

'Cause no, no, nobody knows you
When you're down and out.
In your pocket, not one penny,
And as for friends, you don't have any.

When you finally get back up on your feet again,
Everybody wants to be your old long-lost friend.
Said it's mighty strange, without a doubt,
Nobody knows you when you're down and out.

I'm not going to say I'm not loved. That would be a lie, I'm loved. I know what love feels like - it's not the longing I felt with my stars, no, it's the feeling of playing the the backyard with your 18 month old. Watching him dig through some toys as I dig out some weeds.
BUT - it is true.

I broke down and called HEAP today. If you are not familiar with this HEAP stands for Home Energy Assistance Program. My heating "payment plan" is close to $200 a month. The woman laughed at me on the phone. I made too much money last year so this year I can do without...

I tired to set up some classes. No dice.

So I cried.
My eyes feel very clean.

My son stared at me. His little forehead crinkled up in confusion as if to say, "Papa... why you making that face?" Papa always smiles and sticks out her tongue and laughs. So I held him close and I kissed his cheeks and I checked his eye (that swelled shut yesterday due to allergies) and I sang to him, like I do everyday.

"When I get back on my feet again. Here they all come, they say they're all your long lost friend" - that's the Nina Simone version.

When I get back on my feet again - because I will, just you watch me do it - I would like to tell all of you that have stood by me in this hard time I'll get you a gift. Maybe I'll buy you a star, so then on your lonely nights you can push your bed up to the window, lay there and make a wish on yourself.

But until then I've decided to stop crying. It's a waste of time and it just confuses my boy.
I'm going to figure this out. Write my book. Get students in my classes. Move to where I want to be.
I'm going to plant an awesome garden that's so great I have jars of goodies to take with me when I move and I'm going to sing to my son, every day.

I need to lay off on the woeful said songs... tomorrow I'm thinking maybe a little Bob Marley or something upbeat.

I'd sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, but he only likes the Alphabet Song.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

What gets you going?

One time, a while back, some random person I met at a bar said to me, "You get off on people."

Being the over dramatic person that I (so lovingly) am, my immediate reaction was to become offended. What did they mean? What was their problem!


Over the next few days my mind was dragged back to the comment over and over and over. Until I realized they were right.

I get off on people.

Now, before you let your mind get to far down that road, I'm going to clarify - people fascinate me to the Nth degree. This is probably the reason I'm a writer. This is probably the reason I adore reading other peoples blogs. (and I know for a fact) This is the reason I'm in love with Twitter.

You all fascinate the hell out of me. It makes me sit there and just watch, and not in a bad way. I'm not getting all judgy on you - I just want to know EVERYTHING. I don't care how "gross" it is or weird you think you sound. It's just the voyeur in me that needs to know weird things about you.

Hell. I even write down "tweets" I see that I want to use. Not in a plagiarism kind of way, in a "mold your character into something honestly human" way. Where is a better place to learn that then from people watching?

All those things we tell ourselves we hate about ourselves are the very things I adore about you. Lisps and random coughing. Tapping and hair twirling. "Like" "Awesome" "Dude" - mannerisms. Odd collections of things I wouldn't ever think of having in my home or strange foods that seem almost mystical because I would never consider putting the combination together, let alone in my mouth.

So this is for you, random person a a bar a met a while back, you were right. I do get off on people and that is probably why I met you, why I met those 3 lads a couple weeks ago, why I spoke with two more last night. (I love when people ask me for yoga advice after two beers. I'll do yoga on a main road in front of a bar. Yes. I. Will)

Now with this new knowledge and my acceptance of my "eccentric" way of living my life - I feel even more like a writer. More like a true artist. Because let me tell you this - when E! does my THS in years to come it's going to be one awesome hour of TV.

I mean, hell, I get off on watching people and not when they're doing naughty stuff.

See... weird but totally true.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Ghandi said "be the change you want to see"
I think this is sound advice
I also feel you are who
you hang around
so be picky

When I entered my 30's everyone around me quit
They said they were old
that I was old
life was over and all there was to do
was slip into a
sedentary lifestyle

I'll have none of that

The change I want to see
has nothing to do with
doing nothing

I have these arguments in my head
with these people
who used to be my life

It makes me sad to see them do nothing
with such talents
they let fear control them
like a dog on a short leash
they can only see the leash

I'll have none of that

I want to see the world
I want to breath the world

I want to fly

You're your own worse enemy
I'm not sure who said that first
but it's true

so get out of your head

it'll only kill you

Sunday, April 11, 2010

My breaking point looks a lot like your breaking point... right?

Trying to juggle life is utterly complicated. I look back at all the times I gave up on my dreams and grow angry, but at the same time there is a certain amount of comfort in the cradle my couch gives me. Rocking me to sleep in a mild coma brought on by television.

Television is by far my biggest nemesis.

It's on all the time in this house and I hate it. I try to bring this up but to no avail. It's the "thing" we do together, which is to say we do nothing be sit side by side.

These days I leave that cradle of a couch. I come up here to my sanctuary of a bedroom and I bring this trusty laptop so I can write or work or blog or whatever the hell I want to - alone. Because at the end of a long week I really like to be alone.

I don't find it lonely.
I don't find it depressing.
I turn off my phone, I sit in silence and I do what I want. This is ME time. And that is precious.

Lately when I rise to leave and state I'm done with television or I need to write or whatever, I'm met with mournful looks that lead me to feel guilty.

I hate guilt. It's up there with television. Perfectly useless.

I also have sever issues with people who feel the need to use guilt to get their way. Don't be so selfish. You can't get your own way all the time and when you whip out a guilt trip all I see is that your motives are puritanically narcissistic.

Its a flaw in your character, just like all the other things you shouldn't do. Be smart and courteous and have enough courage to state your mind instead of piling on the guilt.

Yes - I say these things out loud too.

Normally on Sundays I get a whole slew of "Me Time" and when I don't I mourn the loss like the family pet that went to live on a Farm up North. I'm mourning it so badly tonight my head hurts and my dinner is sitting like a rock in my stomach. I see this list in my head but it's blurry from the blood pounding in my temples, as if water was spilled on a felt tip ink list.

Smudged and useless.

I'm so freaking frustrated and there never seems to be an end to it. I try and I try but I get shot down over and over. After awhile even the strongest person can't deal with that. After awhile we all fold. That braking point is there for a reason.

So I meditate and I pray and I hope and I dream but I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can't tell which was it up all I know is that with every step forward I'm met with so much tension and aversion on days like today I just want to give up, I want to sit in that cradle of my couch and I want to cry.

I say "Please give me a sign. Please show me hope." And I can't see it. I want to see it but I'm so blind and my alone time is lost - as it has been for weeks and I hate that even more.

I'm just at my breaking point

It's hard to feel like you're unstoppable when the people who are supposed to support you are the very ones that dumped the water on your list. Turned on the TV. Put you on a guilt trip.

I'm going to go into work early tomorrow so I can sit alone - like I do every Monday. And when I get home it's all going to be the same. My house is going to be a mess, I'm not going to have time to write, I'll still need to wash the clothes, pay the bills, get to the store, work on my classes, repot my plants, plant my garden, weed the front yard, play with my son, make dinner and then sit next to my husband while he watches television.

In general, right now, I'm super duper pissed.

That was me talking myself in a circle.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

My mind weaves a tangled web... no, its more like a crazy ass roller coaster!

Today was one of those days where 1,000 different things I wanted to come on here and talk about. They ran from food to yoga, politics to music and most things in between.

Now I'm finally here and I'm a bit at a loss... the brain is not what it used to be. That and I'm super distracted because I'm busy all the time - and that is euphoric (in my opinion at least)

The political portion I do remember a bit. What it came down to is that a person from a long time ago has made comments that have upset those around me. They do no like the current political administration and they use facebook as a platform to bash them. I say - have at it. Isn't that what this country is supposed to be about? Freedom of speech? Not "Freedom of what makes me feel comfortable".

Most people only hear the words they're looking for. Words that will validate what they already believe to be "the TRUTH". In the end it's like getting into a debate about Abortion, Female Genital Mutilation or even just "The War" - there are and there will always be two sides. Having passion is beautiful and having an opinion is important but shoving it my face is annoying - and I will walk away only remembering that you refused to hear my side.

So save it!

Politics are poison and this country is in the carpool lane to becoming a live version of "Idiocracy" (mostly I m just excited for the FART museum.)

There was a segment on Attack of the Show (G4) tonight mocking the new Tiger Woods Nike commercial and they changed out the questions listing all the crazy things that have happened in the last week like - The Riots and fall of the capital in Kyrgyzstan, The Miners in W. Virginia who were trapped (and I'm sure died) in mines that were graded as "unsafe" more than a few times in the past 15 months, or the U.S. Russian Nuclear Arms Reduction Pact that just went into effect - all of these things people over look, but hey, Tiger Woods.

And then I calmed down.

I started thinking about Yoga. My class went well yesterday. Yes I only had two students, but I HAD students and that makes me smile.My class was on Patience, which is both enlightening and ironic (seen I can be impatient too... just like you). My next class is a mixture of the breath and yoga nidra. I'm excited for this because I want to walk down this road very soon. I want to work on yoga nidra and help people learn to relax and meditate. We let that go in our lives. We say we don't have time.

Taking care of yourself is the most important thing because if you don't then you can't do anything else.

I think I'll probably talk about pranayama in the class in association with the Yoga Sutras, or some other yogic text. I want to bring the history into some of my classes. Yes, the knowledge is beautiful but having a source is helpful.

As I sat thinking about yoga - ahimsa popped into my head. Its one of my favorite Yamas to talk about and seeing that I'm about 2 months into this adventure of becoming a total vegan - which is super hard because there is crap in EVERYTHING!! That just led me to food.

If you've read this blog for a long time you may already realize I'm a fan of food. I'm a big fan. I'm thinking about taking some classes to become a certified nutritionist. This excites the hell out of me. With yoga and meditation, adding nutrition makes so much sense to me. Live. Life. Breathe. Food. The more I see it the more I love it. But... the class is $450... so there is that. I'm try to sell my eye pillows (which you should TOTALLY buy and then tell your friends about so they buy them too. this pretty much is the only source of income I have coming in right now. *wink* *wink* *nod* *nod*)

See, this is how my mind works - so I'm all fired about about politics and how people aren't looking for the truth, they're looking for someone to tell them what they are thinking is ok, but I need to calm down, because it's counter productive to be all up in arms all the time. This brings me back to my yoga. My meditation. My food!! Which I adore. Then I think about how much that food I adore costs me and then I think of money and then I think of yoga and eye pillows...

And then I listen to music.

There is this newer band called Vampire Weekend - some people love them, some people hate them - I like them. I think they're fun. They recently covered a song from my favorite band of all time Rancid called "Ruby Soho"

Here is Rancid singing it:

And here is the cover:

That, my friends, is two parts of my life meeting in the middle of the road and blurring together... The jury is still out on how I feel about it. 

The song is about a relationship between a woman (Ruby) and her boyfriend who is in a band and how the band goes on tour and she doesn't understand it and the longer he's gone and the more times he leaves - she fades away until their relationship is no more.

"Ruby's heart ain't beatin cause she knows the feelin' is gone
she's not the only one who knew there's somethin' wrong
her lover's in the distance as she wipes a tear from her eye
ruby's fading out, she disappears, it's time, time to say goodbye"

So in the end I'll think about politics and I'll think about war. I'll dislike the media's push on a man who should be at home with his wife and I'll forgive those who get sucked in like deer in headlights at the mere chaos that holds us hostage like pineapple chunks in a jello mold. 
I'll think about patience and how it is so important, but only brought up to point out the wrong in someone and I'll recite commentary about how slowing down and stopping is so important to keep going and how good food is so important too - regardless if you take your pasta with our without meat.

I'll think of how music effects our lives just as much as all of those things effected me today, and I'll wipe a tear from my eye for poor Ruby.

Those moments...
Those are the ones we keep in our hearts
Everything else...
4 months from now... someone new will screw up and then we can mock them and not notice the orphans in Uganda that need your help too.

...destination unknow... ruby, ruby, ruby, ruby soho... 
sing it to me Tim... sing me to sleep.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Eye Pillows!!

I'm selling some eye pillows! If you are at all interested please let me know.
The above picture is 2 of the ones I've made so far. The fabric is all retro and mostly floral, but I have blues, reds, purples and greens and I would be more than happy to show you fabric samples!

The Retro pillows are only $8 (plus S+H) and I'll have some soon that are fancy - made from a faux silk and scented with lavender buds. (fabric below) The fancy faux silk ones will be $15.

If you are at all interested you can just leave a message below, email me, or find me on twitter.

The pillows are great for meditation and your yoga practice, or simply for resting during the day! I will have more scents coming soon - rose, camomile & possibly Jasmine.

If you know someone who may be interested - please pass this info on!


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

What do I do now??

Hello Tuesday.

My lord my head hurts. I'm sure it has something to do with a mixture of the rain for last night and the pollen. Yes, I love spring but who likes allergies?

I haven't been on here a lot and there is a very good reason. I have a lot going on and to be honest there is one big thing in my life that I want to share with the world, but due to family issues - I can't. (no I'm not pregnant)
I want to - very badly.

Like I've said 1,000x before, the amount of people that read this that I see on a regular basis is no existence, but you know life - if I posted something no one should know that would be the first time someone from my current life has come on here in a years.

In general I'm not a fan of keeping things in - it makes me crazy, especially when I find the things to be exciting.

Moving on - in other news my back is pretty much better. I probably need 2 or 3 more visits but seeing I do NOT have the cash, that won't be an option in my life. It may come back into action since the owner of the place half offered me an administrative job but the problem is that I'd be paid in product (i.e. body word). This is fine and I need to talk to my husband about it - but body work doesn't pay the bills. (granted the people I can meet and the things I learn, down the road, really could.)

I thought about this a lot last night as I remember so many times over my life telling people how when I "grew up" I just wanted to be happy. This was normally met with some sort of negative retort like "You have obligations and responsibilities. People just aren't happy all the time." or "Can't think of a real job?"

I know that people aren't happy all the time, I knew that at 7 because I was rarely happy and no I don't think it's a cop out because I couldn't think of a real job.

Being a lost lamb for many years, it took me a long time to find my way and my path in life, but I did and I have and that makes me revisit the "I just want to be happy." I worked the job that paid well that mad me feel like shit. I gained weight, I was depressed and I drank uncontrollably. Now I'm poor and I'm happy 9 out of 10 times (and on that 1 time I'm not happy I find it's self inflicted and if I just opened my mouth I would be fine.) Yes, there are times life can be terrible. There are really dark places and really bad people in this world but at the end of the day if you can look yourself in the face and say, "you're doing just fine sweetheart" that you really are.

If we all just listened to our intuition a little bit more we'd be much happier and if we'd follow out dreams, rather than trapping ourselves in this mess of "obligation" and "responsibility" we'd just beam.

Sit down for 10 minutes and think, "If I had all the money in the world and nothing like that mattered - what would you do?"

I'd write and I'd teach/work in the field of yoga. The spiritual aspects of yoga filled a void I didn't realize had become so overly abscessed that was bleeding around the edges and writing is that tenor sound in my heart when it beats.

When I was a child I sat around sullenly because I never fit in
Now I'm happy I didn't because I kinda like me. No, I'm not sorry for me being here or for having pride in most things I do and say. Or for feeling sexy. No, I'm not...

I think I just answered the question about the bartering job for administrative work... now I just have to convince my husband it's okay for me to work for mostly nothing.

My son is calling so I'm off. Everyone have a wonderful day!
Oh, for some reason I have "You have to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time." Oh those rascally Beatles - waking me up with what I needed to hear.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Bizarre amounts of impatience will wreck you.

It's all so bizarre... don't you think?

I just need to get better organized because, as the last week as shown, I'm not. I had everything worked out, it was all put together in a nice little package, and then it all just sort of tumbled by the wayside.

So I'm going to start making up "To Do" lists and "Task" lists - just a lot of lists, because when it comes down to it I only have a few hours a day to do a lot of things.

It was so much easier when I was willing to sacrifice sleep to get things done. (but I now LOVE sleep. We're bff's. Even when I sleep on the couch.)

The madness has only grown more intense with the warm weather we've been having. I haven't been home. When my son wakes up from his nap, we head out. We spend a lot of time at the park or going for long walks (or both) and I totally love it, but not being inside makes me forget to do the numerous tasks that need to be done.

Like writing my class for tomorrow.
Writing in general.
Laundry and other various cleaning tasks.

Then I'm scrambling around. Stressed.
No one wants to be stressed let alone over stupidity. Well, at least I don't.
So I'm trying to finish what's on my plate before it just all falls apart.

Outside of that, right now I'm listening to a version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow I plan on playing in my class tomorrow. I love this song and I have since I was a small child and I watched Judy Garland stand in her black and white house, all sullen, singing about how she wanted to be free and fly over that rainbow.

What's over those clouds for me any more is time. My dream of somehow having extra... but I must because I can still waste it...

I want to be that person that can see it all and know... I know that I need to do these things, I know that if I do them I'll get to where I need to be - but then I lose faith, I grow impatient.


Isn't it funny how something that should be as simple as breathing is so hard to so many of us?

Try sitting still for 5 minutes. It's the hardest thing you'll do today.
And that is why I meditate.

When I don't - well, you see what happens... this craziness happens! I sit here or lay in my bed and I just look at the world like it's trying to take me down, it's not.

In general, it's not that bad - any of it.

My problem, the REAL problem is that I'm so scared that I'm going to just STOP again, because that is what I do. That is what I'm known for. Start something and never finish it because I get impatient and I look at something else and I allow it to pull my towards it and away from what I'm doing - but that is what happens when nothing is really important to you.

Nothing has been overly important to me because even when my life has been the shitty of shittiest its never been that bad - I'm a lucky person with so much that I forget and I convolute the world around me until it's fashioned in this overly chaotic situation that I can't handle and then I need someone to save me...

When you never have to try - why would you?

The impatience grows and grows and builds and builds until - booooom!

Someday I wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why oh why can't I?

It's so bizarre because there is a part of me that is so calm that I just smile and laugh
It's so bizarre because we all feel like this - lost, impatient, scared - when all we need to do is sit for five minutes and breath and realize that it takes patience to get over the rainbow and fly with the birds.

And a boarding pass.