Sunday, April 4, 2010

Bizarre amounts of impatience will wreck you.

It's all so bizarre... don't you think?

I just need to get better organized because, as the last week as shown, I'm not. I had everything worked out, it was all put together in a nice little package, and then it all just sort of tumbled by the wayside.

So I'm going to start making up "To Do" lists and "Task" lists - just a lot of lists, because when it comes down to it I only have a few hours a day to do a lot of things.

It was so much easier when I was willing to sacrifice sleep to get things done. (but I now LOVE sleep. We're bff's. Even when I sleep on the couch.)

The madness has only grown more intense with the warm weather we've been having. I haven't been home. When my son wakes up from his nap, we head out. We spend a lot of time at the park or going for long walks (or both) and I totally love it, but not being inside makes me forget to do the numerous tasks that need to be done.

Like writing my class for tomorrow.
Writing in general.
Laundry and other various cleaning tasks.

Then I'm scrambling around. Stressed.
No one wants to be stressed let alone over stupidity. Well, at least I don't.
So I'm trying to finish what's on my plate before it just all falls apart.

Outside of that, right now I'm listening to a version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow I plan on playing in my class tomorrow. I love this song and I have since I was a small child and I watched Judy Garland stand in her black and white house, all sullen, singing about how she wanted to be free and fly over that rainbow.

What's over those clouds for me any more is time. My dream of somehow having extra... but I must because I can still waste it...

I want to be that person that can see it all and know... I know that I need to do these things, I know that if I do them I'll get to where I need to be - but then I lose faith, I grow impatient.


Isn't it funny how something that should be as simple as breathing is so hard to so many of us?

Try sitting still for 5 minutes. It's the hardest thing you'll do today.
And that is why I meditate.

When I don't - well, you see what happens... this craziness happens! I sit here or lay in my bed and I just look at the world like it's trying to take me down, it's not.

In general, it's not that bad - any of it.

My problem, the REAL problem is that I'm so scared that I'm going to just STOP again, because that is what I do. That is what I'm known for. Start something and never finish it because I get impatient and I look at something else and I allow it to pull my towards it and away from what I'm doing - but that is what happens when nothing is really important to you.

Nothing has been overly important to me because even when my life has been the shitty of shittiest its never been that bad - I'm a lucky person with so much that I forget and I convolute the world around me until it's fashioned in this overly chaotic situation that I can't handle and then I need someone to save me...

When you never have to try - why would you?

The impatience grows and grows and builds and builds until - booooom!

Someday I wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why oh why can't I?

It's so bizarre because there is a part of me that is so calm that I just smile and laugh
It's so bizarre because we all feel like this - lost, impatient, scared - when all we need to do is sit for five minutes and breath and realize that it takes patience to get over the rainbow and fly with the birds.

And a boarding pass.

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