Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Fights in my Head

I have the conversations in my head.
I'm sure I've spoken about it. It's been an on going thing in my life for as long as I can remember.
Sometimes its civil.
I'll have bland conversations with people I don't see or a few I don't commiserate with any longer due to really long stories I don't feel the need to talk about on here. These are people I used to talk to three and four times a day.

Now we don't talk or I hardly ever talk to them. Over all its better that way.

Then there are the fights.

I know this one kid. (I'm pretty sure he'd borderline genius.) He's borderline insane most days - this is one of the reasons I love him (the other is his girlfriend. She's as cute as summer time and apple pie.) I confessed to him one drunk night that I had these conversations and fights in my head.

He looked at me super serious and said, "You too. Great. I thought it was just me!" But he has been known to take the conversations and fights and make them happen.

I never go that far.

I'm a bit more rational. I understand that these things are in my head and that's where they'll stay.
Especially the fighting.
If I ever said some of the things out loud that I say in these fights, I would be one of the most asinine people on the planet - rude to the Nth degree and down right mean. But when the brain fighting is happening, I lose myself in the heat of the moment - anticipating what they'll say next and firing back!

I've been called a "fire cracker" (not in a long time, but I still hold onto it as a compliment) This is very true after I've had one or two. You break my balls I'll break yours right back. (please excuse the metaphor)

FIRE!

But lately I can't take it.
I can't take the conversations in my head and the fighting with these undisclosed people because... what the hell does it solve?

Its like gossip.
When you sit around and bad mouth people for doing things you don't think are "right" or up to "par" its merely a reflection of yourself, not of them. AND it doesn't effect them at all because they can't hear you so all you're doing it ruining your own day.

What's the point.

Meditation used to work on the whole "Conversations in my Head" crisis in my life - but lately...

I'm assuming it's spring.
With the winter thaw it ups the chances of me actually SEEING the people I'm fighting in my brain and I guess I rather not see them at all.

I have some great memories.
I do - but there was a big fat convoluted mess way back when and it's been ages but it hasn't changed.
The outcome is much the same.

I'm sure you're saying just leave. Walk away. Forget them.
I'm trying.

I try every day. Some are good - but like I said... spring.

These fights in my head always end the same. My voice yelling, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING! SHUT UP!!"

Then I laugh.
Don't worry, the men with the white coats will be here soon...

3 comments:

  1. I don't have fights. Just the reality that I'd like to have sometimes begins to become all too real. The reality that could have been. If I had tried. And others were more open around me. I never really grew.

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  2. I guess its not always bad to get stuck in your head. I just hate when I have throw downs... :)

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  3. ouch...hope it aint as painful as it looks

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