Sunday, April 11, 2010

My breaking point looks a lot like your breaking point... right?

Trying to juggle life is utterly complicated. I look back at all the times I gave up on my dreams and grow angry, but at the same time there is a certain amount of comfort in the cradle my couch gives me. Rocking me to sleep in a mild coma brought on by television.

Television is by far my biggest nemesis.

It's on all the time in this house and I hate it. I try to bring this up but to no avail. It's the "thing" we do together, which is to say we do nothing be sit side by side.

These days I leave that cradle of a couch. I come up here to my sanctuary of a bedroom and I bring this trusty laptop so I can write or work or blog or whatever the hell I want to - alone. Because at the end of a long week I really like to be alone.

I don't find it lonely.
I don't find it depressing.
I turn off my phone, I sit in silence and I do what I want. This is ME time. And that is precious.

Lately when I rise to leave and state I'm done with television or I need to write or whatever, I'm met with mournful looks that lead me to feel guilty.

I hate guilt. It's up there with television. Perfectly useless.

I also have sever issues with people who feel the need to use guilt to get their way. Don't be so selfish. You can't get your own way all the time and when you whip out a guilt trip all I see is that your motives are puritanically narcissistic.

Its a flaw in your character, just like all the other things you shouldn't do. Be smart and courteous and have enough courage to state your mind instead of piling on the guilt.

Yes - I say these things out loud too.

Normally on Sundays I get a whole slew of "Me Time" and when I don't I mourn the loss like the family pet that went to live on a Farm up North. I'm mourning it so badly tonight my head hurts and my dinner is sitting like a rock in my stomach. I see this list in my head but it's blurry from the blood pounding in my temples, as if water was spilled on a felt tip ink list.

Smudged and useless.

I'm so freaking frustrated and there never seems to be an end to it. I try and I try but I get shot down over and over. After awhile even the strongest person can't deal with that. After awhile we all fold. That braking point is there for a reason.

So I meditate and I pray and I hope and I dream but I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can't tell which was it up all I know is that with every step forward I'm met with so much tension and aversion on days like today I just want to give up, I want to sit in that cradle of my couch and I want to cry.

I say "Please give me a sign. Please show me hope." And I can't see it. I want to see it but I'm so blind and my alone time is lost - as it has been for weeks and I hate that even more.

I'm just at my breaking point

It's hard to feel like you're unstoppable when the people who are supposed to support you are the very ones that dumped the water on your list. Turned on the TV. Put you on a guilt trip.

I'm going to go into work early tomorrow so I can sit alone - like I do every Monday. And when I get home it's all going to be the same. My house is going to be a mess, I'm not going to have time to write, I'll still need to wash the clothes, pay the bills, get to the store, work on my classes, repot my plants, plant my garden, weed the front yard, play with my son, make dinner and then sit next to my husband while he watches television.

In general, right now, I'm super duper pissed.

That was me talking myself in a circle.



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