Tuesday, April 6, 2010

What do I do now??

Hello Tuesday.

My lord my head hurts. I'm sure it has something to do with a mixture of the rain for last night and the pollen. Yes, I love spring but who likes allergies?

I haven't been on here a lot and there is a very good reason. I have a lot going on and to be honest there is one big thing in my life that I want to share with the world, but due to family issues - I can't. (no I'm not pregnant)
I want to - very badly.

Like I've said 1,000x before, the amount of people that read this that I see on a regular basis is no existence, but you know life - if I posted something no one should know that would be the first time someone from my current life has come on here in a years.

In general I'm not a fan of keeping things in - it makes me crazy, especially when I find the things to be exciting.

Moving on - in other news my back is pretty much better. I probably need 2 or 3 more visits but seeing I do NOT have the cash, that won't be an option in my life. It may come back into action since the owner of the place half offered me an administrative job but the problem is that I'd be paid in product (i.e. body word). This is fine and I need to talk to my husband about it - but body work doesn't pay the bills. (granted the people I can meet and the things I learn, down the road, really could.)

I thought about this a lot last night as I remember so many times over my life telling people how when I "grew up" I just wanted to be happy. This was normally met with some sort of negative retort like "You have obligations and responsibilities. People just aren't happy all the time." or "Can't think of a real job?"

I know that people aren't happy all the time, I knew that at 7 because I was rarely happy and no I don't think it's a cop out because I couldn't think of a real job.

Being a lost lamb for many years, it took me a long time to find my way and my path in life, but I did and I have and that makes me revisit the "I just want to be happy." I worked the job that paid well that mad me feel like shit. I gained weight, I was depressed and I drank uncontrollably. Now I'm poor and I'm happy 9 out of 10 times (and on that 1 time I'm not happy I find it's self inflicted and if I just opened my mouth I would be fine.) Yes, there are times life can be terrible. There are really dark places and really bad people in this world but at the end of the day if you can look yourself in the face and say, "you're doing just fine sweetheart" that you really are.

If we all just listened to our intuition a little bit more we'd be much happier and if we'd follow out dreams, rather than trapping ourselves in this mess of "obligation" and "responsibility" we'd just beam.

Sit down for 10 minutes and think, "If I had all the money in the world and nothing like that mattered - what would you do?"

I'd write and I'd teach/work in the field of yoga. The spiritual aspects of yoga filled a void I didn't realize had become so overly abscessed that was bleeding around the edges and writing is that tenor sound in my heart when it beats.

When I was a child I sat around sullenly because I never fit in
Now I'm happy I didn't because I kinda like me. No, I'm not sorry for me being here or for having pride in most things I do and say. Or for feeling sexy. No, I'm not...

I think I just answered the question about the bartering job for administrative work... now I just have to convince my husband it's okay for me to work for mostly nothing.

My son is calling so I'm off. Everyone have a wonderful day!
Oh, for some reason I have "You have to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time." Oh those rascally Beatles - waking me up with what I needed to hear.

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