Saturday, May 8, 2010
How do you feel?
What are you feeling right now? This very moment.
Is it love? Is there a grin plastered on your face so wide and expansive that your cheeks hurt, but it doesn't matter because you just can't stop them from bunching up?
Is it hate? Is your jaw clenched so fucking tight that there's this terrible pain shooting through your temples making you wish you could just punch something until some sort of relief was brought on by release or exhaustion?
Are you just complacent? Every question asked of you ends in a mere shrug and an odd "whatever" noise creeping it's ways past your mouth...
What is it?
Do you feel overwhelmed by everything?
Are you staring at this unable to read it because the tears are pouring down, blocking your view?
Is it joy? Disgust? Trust? Surprise? Fear?
Are you just horny and accordantly ended up here because you typed in "ordinary" "girl" "porn"?
I apologize for your landing page... I'm sure this isn't what you were seeking out.
But thats what we're all doing, isn't it? Searching. Seeking things out. Looking for the answers to the questions that will arise in our lives from our many different emotional states.
Answers that we already have inside of us. But we don't trust us. We'd rather finding 1,000 other people to say 5,000,000 different things - because after we sieve through those there will be the 3 or 4 jeweled answers we need to hear.
I'm in double digits. My count down to the end of this experiment of my life and to be honest my faith is waning like the moon. So I sit in fear that my night sky will not have the guide it needs to keep me from falling back into old ruts that will sever nothing but to prove my fears right.
Validation. Not the kind I'd like to have.
Somehow my innocent need to count 365 days down to the end of a transitional period I initiated attempting to motivate myself into become a better me has brought on new fears. New emotions and feelings.
I can't say that I was prepared to deal with.
But wasn't that the point?
I told a friend that I believe anyone who is willing to commit to meditation would probably find it worked better than therapy. She didn't agree with me. I shrugged. I stand by my statement, but the thing about meditation is that I don't meditate with a nice doc there to hold my hand when I have a break through, no I rely on ranting on here, in my journal, twitter, facebook. I search for someone one to auspiciously state the very words I need to hear so I know that I'm not alone in these feelings.
Sometimes those breakthroughs are beautiful stress relieving moments that allowing to bask in the glow of your life - other times you'll find yourself standing in front of your bathroom mirror with the door locked staring into your own eyes as you recreated the scene in Farris Buller's Day off when Cameron stares at the painting Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte.
You stare so long your face is a pixalated mess. Maybe my friend is right.
I am feeling trepidation and that is leading to fear.
Everything I do, every time I go on one of my questioning sprees the answer is the same, "Have faith in yourself" but I can have faith in everyone I've never met, but I doubt myself.
And when that happens....
I seek out anything that will bring me comfort for even a moment, regardless of what the consequences may be. Because of that moment I feel like a million bucks.
I can do a thousand things, but I'm not sure I can complete this. It was easy before when I was surrounded by others that meditated with me, that contemplated with me - I just don't feel that strong.
We're all strong, that's what I tell my students. "When you say you can't do something that is the moment you really can not. If you say 'Hey this could be hard but I'll give it a go' you just up'd your chance by half. If you want to do something - do it and then you will truly succeed."
Now I just feel a little silly, but I'll take it.
Silly is better than scared.