Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Letters at Midnight
What would you say to those people from your past that you feel you've wronged? If you had the chance to talk to them again, what would you say?
Would you apologize for whatever it was you did or would you attempt to "fix" the relationship so your conscience could be clear enough your mind never took you too that place...
I don't know what I would do anymore.
I used to think I knew. I have these conversations in my head with these people and they range from civil to insane - but when I see them, on those off chances that I do, I say nothing.
I do nothing.
I smile and I nod and I get lost in other thoughts and then I come back here and think about what I should have done and should have said - because dwelling on the 'what ifs" is the healthy way to live life...
I guess what it comes down to is that I'm running out of time, so I have to make the decision of what I am willing or not willing to do. In other words, it's time to put up or shut up. Yes, part of me wants to say "I don't know" but let's be honest, when you are doing the sleepless dance you already know, you just haven't taken the steps needed to execute the whole action.
Now I have to answer my first question and decide on what I will do and how I should do it. I SHOULD try for a face to face or at least a phone call - I WILL probably write a letter. (or two seeing that there is more than one person I need to talk too)
[odd... deja vu.... I guess I'm not supposed to be sleeping]
We all need closure in our lives, even when we are not willing to admit it. We need food, water and shelter to survive physically. We need stability and harmony to survive mentally. We need closure because while we know letting go is good - letting go is hard.
We carry this baggage with us day in and day out. It affects things in our lives, but we don't see it because we grow accustom to it.
We accept these blips of chaos as fact - they are not. We can fix them and then (just like the 6 million dollar man) we can become stronger, faster and in the end a better version of ourselves.
It's easy to ignore the problems in our lives and to proceed as if they were never an issue it all, it's hard to stand in the headlights of a semi, the entire time praying that it will swerve at the last moment and not smash you into the pavement.
So what do I say now? I guess there is only one way to find out...
Letter writing at midnight on a Tuesday - its the reason sleeping pills sell so well.