Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Life. It comes at you fast! (then tries to run you over)

I've come to think I'm one of the only people I know that didn't comment on the "holiday" yesterday. Why are there quotations around the word? Simple. I hear holiday and I think "Leisure time away from work devoted to rest and pleasure."

I don't file this as a holiday. I also think that every day we should be thanking the men and woman who fight for us. Yes, we have a quick way of sidestepping the ongoing war in the Middle East. Some times I think the general public thinks the last "war" we [the USA] was in ended when the Nazi's were defeated... I like this post. I think it sums it up.

Did I celebrate Memorial Day? I spent the day with my family melting in 90 degree temps and watching my teething child grow angry because eating hurts and there's nothing to do. If that's celebration than yes. But to me it was a day with the fam.

We've had a lot going on lately. My jaunt into a new career amidst this terrible monetary climate was a bit like standing on a short pier and trying to walk to Canada from the shores of Lake Erie. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching but I need to find some sort of income that will allow me, and my family, to eat.

And I'm pretty sure the electric company would like me to pay them. (and all those other pesky utility companies too) - so if you know of a job that needs to be filled, please let me know. PLEASE, please, please, let me know.

Begging is pretty.

Most of the holiday weekend was filled with hot weather, job searches, ill attempts at BBQs (again, the child wasn't digging the heat - or the weird people. I wasn't digging the smoking around my child.) Outside of that we decided to finally watch Coraline. (Great book - terrible movie)
Its come to my attention that Neil Gaiman's books just don't translate too well. I read Coraline in 3 hours, it's a kids book and it was great and the movie was just B-O-R-I-N-G. How does that happen? How can you take something fun and creative and make it dull and the best sleeping pill I've had in ages?

Things like this pop into my head when I'm writing. Then I get paranoid and I have to stop myself from throwing the towel in. I'm at 230 page (probably a little more. I have some stuff to transfer over) and I need to get moving on it, but the time seems to be eluding me these days.
Having a toddler, a house that needs to be cleaned all the time (one day someone will have to explain to me what the hell dust is and why it resents my television set), finding a new job, working on the eye pillows, writing up and teaching yoga classes three days a week, teaching my husband at home, bills, garden, shopping, doctor appointments (went to my "yearly" girl visit and now I have to go for an ultrasound and blood work) - get my next blog idea all together....

and the "move" that is being announced to the world over the next week....

socializing, friends coming home to visit, weddings, pets... BLURG! and sigh... I just want to write, meditate, hold my son, eat, yoga and have some alone time with the mister.

When did things get so complicated?

I like to think life is easy.
I tell people that. "It's easy, if it's not you're thinking too hard."
I'm thinking so hard my heads going to explode.
I find myself falling back into bad habits that eat up time and train my brain on things I don't need to be obsessing over because once I start - hell knows I won't stop until totally destruction of my own psyche...

Sunday night my husband went out and I was all excited. I did some yoga, wrote and decided to take a breather so I did some bill (breather my ass) and then I started fixing up the old resume, posting it online, applying for jobs... then that led to a near nervous break down - mad attempts a meditation to calm down and then finally... more writing and sleep.

Life move fast - I try to remember that when I get stuck in these shitty moments. One day I'll look back and think "Crap. At least its over." Because it needs to be over. I'm tired of living like this and I'm tried of begging for food and I'm tired of praying that they won't shut of my heat. I'm tired of praying for everything.

My faith wans but its my faith in myself - this is worse because if you can't believe in yourself, who the hell can you believe in?

This wasn't meant to be a downer, but most times (and I mean nearly all times) that I come on here my life isn't planned out and my thoughts aren't organized. I just start with one idea and see where it flows.

I'm not angry at the world. I don't hate anyone or thing. I just want to get to a point in my life when I don't have to think "what's less important? Gas or Electric?" and then I will smile. I don't need millions. Just enough to get to where I want to go and set up house there.

Life isn't complicated.
Seriously... I'm just over thinking this...

p.s. - why do all the holidays in this country revolve around war & death? 4th of July, Memorial Day, Labor day (started due to a terrible strike that killed a bunch of people) - I'm starting a new summer holiday - July 22nd "National W.A.of an O.G. - BE AWESOME Day!"

Don't worry. I'll make shirts.


2 comments:

  1. I gotta get one of those shirts!

    I think life gets complicated when we decided to include some one else...Then that leads to including other little lives...When I say include little lives, I'm talking of the ones that need everything, all the time, right now, and saying no crushes us as much as it crushes them...Yes, I'm blaming kids!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really do just try to "be" most days it works and then some it doesn't... lol.. I also think it's harder to be a wife than a mom. As a mom, I'm always right, as a wife I have to be willing to be flexible (and I don't mean in the bedroom:) )

    ReplyDelete