Thursday, July 22, 2010

The end draws near.

My head hurts and I'm rather tired. I should go to sleep but after this I plan on writing for a bit. It's the only time I have.

I come to this moment with six things I need to do and I've chosen writing my book. Why? Because "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift that's why it's called the present." I tell my students to look at this moment, not last week, not next week - but just like most other teachers (or parents for that matter) I find that I'm on the "do as I say, not as I do" part of my week.

I realized that before I can on here.
I miss here.

My death meditation is coming to a close. I think about it daily at this point. I'm pretty much happy with myself these days. My son is so perfect. My husband and I are getting along. Yes, there are some frustration - but since I committed to this in a way I didn't have to uproot my family, those frustrations can't be avoided.

for now.

I think what I've learned by doing this meditation is being more present in my own life. Playing with crayons with my son instead of making 30 phone calls while he plays, or just doing what I love and knowing it may be hard but it will be better soon.

Speaking to a dear old friend of mine earlier I told him that money was tight but I've now become a whiz at pinching every penny and stay uber skinny.
He said I sounded like Scarlett O'Hara. I've never seen or read Gone with the Wind, but after the conversation I looked up the famous speech. I supposed I feel the same, just not as dramatic.

Life is merely a perception - there is no perfect slotted place for all things to lie - just the way we look at it. Hate is easy, loving people, loving the world is hard. Being open to that kind of pain is scary. Knowing that if you love you will hurt is reality.

I will keep trying to adjust my perception. To keep opening new windows and doors. I will use what time I have to color with my son and to live like I don't care what people think.

But for now I'm going to write before this head ache gets the better of me.
good night


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