Friday, July 9, 2010
find a solution, don't just point out the problem
I should be a sleep
I shouldn't be online
Maybe I should be writing
but I know I should be relaxing
I was reading earlier about how we like to take things and change them into what we need to see. People, places - every noun out there. We bully and manipulate them into the object needed to believe what we need to or to feel validated about what we want.
Words are a good example. We hear discipline and think of harsh punishment or ambitious leads towards manipulative. These are negative stereotypes of two words that are really positive things. To be honest, I lead a very disciplined lifestyle and I'm an over ambitious person - I like these things about me.
I need the structured discipline in my life to have the strength and will to move forward, achieving my dreams and goals - the ambitions I was meant to have.
Life is for living and you are either alive or you're taking up space. I took up space for a long time. Running after my need to feel accepted I would do nearly anything in order to have someone at my side - I didn't even have to like them much, and I sure as hell didn't have to like me at all.
I now look back at that person and I find I'm so confused by why I would be like that, and every now and then I'll find myself falling into that way of thinking, "Of if only this or that." Making myself a victim of my own life instead of owning it.
It's you life, do with it as you must.
It's my life and I have too many plans, too many objectives, too many goals that I want to reach and obtain that wasting one moment of time playing the victim, being an obsessive enabler, pleading, begging and praying that someone will like me is no longer an option.
I just don't have the time.
These are some of the thoughts that keep me awake at night. I lay in bed thinking about people I feel I've hurt, or things I need to do - this isn't that bad. I used to lay in bed at night and think of the people I wanted to hurt and whine about all the things I wish I hadn't done in my life.
Being human means you make mistakes. It means every now an then you're going to be embarrassed because you didn't know something [gasp!] or you were wrong [double gasp]. Is it bad that I like being wrong? In a way I really do, because when I'm wrong I learn something new. I love to learn new things.
That's one of the millions of reason being wrong is ok. (to all of you who feel the need to be right all the time)
I can't say I have regrets. I wish I would have handled things differently from time to time, but mostly I won't call them "regrets" for that implies I'm laying up at night thinking about those situations in a bad light. They're just thoughts - they come and go as clouds, some light and fluffy, some moist and juciy and some violent - but they all pass.
Wrong. Embaressed. Whatever else you can think of - being human is a gift and a blessing. Have this chance is a gift and a blessing. Complaining because you felt the need to plan out every step is a waste of time.
Let life come to you. Celebrate what you need to. Morn what you must. Be fearless, even when you're afraid and know that tomorrow will be here sooner than later so you may as well love yourself enough to do more with your life than make excuses on why you haven't started to live yet.
But like I said, I should be asleep.
I worked late
Today was long
And I busted up my knee (ran into a coffee table)
Time to sleep
Time to pray
Time to dream for tomorrow.
good night beautiful world
I love you too.