Thursday, August 26, 2010

Life List

After spending the last year concentrating on my life, looking at it as if it was the last year I would be on this planet in this body, I will admit I learned a lot about myself. It was interesting and something I would suggest to everyone to try at least once in your life. 

Maybe not a whole year, but even a few months, because when you learn about yourself - about who you really are - suddenly life gets easier. It's a hard road, after many years of believing what others have firmly convinced you of, when you see the real deal you may not know what to do with yourself.

And that is why I'm still working out some issues since I've done my meditation. I still wrestle with some of the new me - old me things ways of doing things wondering if this weird awkward period will ever end and I'll be able to stop walking with each of my feet on the opposite side of a big old yellow line that seems to be separating my emotional/ spiritual/ everyday life into two. 

SO - until I get there. Until I come to a place where I am anchored to the side I want to be on - I've made a decision. 

Enter the "Life List"

Starting on this Sunday, August 29th, I will take the next 365 days to complete 50 things off my life list. I am going to post some of them on here. I haven't counted so I'm not sure if there are 50, but if you know me you'll know I'm like a kid in a candy store when it comes to life so give me five minutes and I'll have about 20 new things I want to try before I die. Before I add those, I'll just start with these:

  1. Write a book
  2. Have said book published
  3. Go skinny dipping (as an adult)
  4. Start a successful business
  5. Sun bathe on a beach in the south of France
  6. Have a poem published in a notable magazine (like the new yorker),
  7. Create an awesome video & post it on YouTube (pet rock)
  8. Move to LA
  9. Finish my back tattoos
  10. See the northern lights
  11. Write-record & get a song on the radio
  12. Fly a kite
  13. Fly first class
  14. Hit a bulls eye on a dart board
  15. Get my pilots license
  16. Go camping & sleep outdoors
  17. See a meteor shower
  18. Run a marathon
  19. Learn how to ice skate
  20. Brazil Jesus statue!
  21. Visit Charles Bukowski's grave
  22. Learn to surf
  23. Learn a second language & use it
  24. See the grand canyon & other Americans road stops
  25. Convince 5 people to become vegan
  26. Tie enough balloons to my house so that it looks like the cover of the UP! DVD
  27. Meet the President of the US
  28. See the bats in Austin TX
  29. Go scuba diving
  30. Stand on every continent
  31. Wii fit yoga
  32. Ride on a motorcycle
  33. Galley show of my photography
  34. Make the perfect garden salsa
  35. Visit the Vatican
  36. Learn & be photographed doing Scorpion pose.
  37. Be financially secure
  38. Stand in Dr Who TARDIS
  39. Write/Publish a comic
  40. Speak my mind
  41. Cook for a large crowd
  42. Go to dirty dancing resort
  43. Water ski
  44. Drive across the country
And now I know that my list is short - so I'll have to add a few things... But last year was for dying and this next one is for living! If you know me and want in on this let me know. The more the merrier! Life is to short to sit back and do nothing.

I'm off! Have a wonderful night!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Hey you there! Yes you!! How are you doing?

Life. It just kinda comes at you and when you least expect it then throws you into a whirlwind of chaos.

Or is that just me?

Here's the short version. With the move closing in and some people just not taking it well, (by not taking it well I mean wrapping themselves in a over sized fluffy blanket of denial, finding a fun set of rose colored goggles and shoving their fingers in their ears chanting "Twinkle, twinkle little star" while they dance a jig - which is totally sane) it has only added to the stress of life. See, we have "home" issuses, but if you own a home - you have issues. It's just the way it is. "We should by a house!" "Yes, we should buy a money trap that will suck up all of our time and money in up keep"

The American Dream burns brightly as more people are homeless and more homes are peopless... OK. I shouldn't complain. We could have it much worse. I know this.

So I made a deal with God - you know, cuz that's what you do with God. You figure out forms of bribery. People have been doing it for thousands of years - you should give it a go. But I think the deal is sweet. I told "him" that if he gives me the money to pay off and fix the house I'll rent it to someone who really needs a place for their family for cheap so they can get back on their feet again.

I think it is a swell idea. But then again, I still think a lot of things that are overly juvinele are swell ideas and I know every word to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure so maybe I should take a step back... take a look around...

In the end I'm stressed. SO! Meatless Monday - I love you. I miss you. I'll come back to you, I promise!
And poetry! I miss you I love you and I'm not feeling very inspired these days...
OH, and my 50 things I'm gonna do in a year off my Life List (which sounds much better than "bucket list) I'll be starting this week - but chances are I won't get to post the list for a bit because I don't have it on my computer.

And I'm stressed.
Did I mention that?

Back to the God thing for a second. So, I made the deal, or I've babbled to the open air, pleading and begging, for this idea to come to fruition and the other day BAM things get to getting. Seems we will be getting a new roof. Seems the amount of damage that hail storm caused our house back in May way enough to get a helping hand. Maybe the big guy is listening!!!!!?

To each his/her own, right?

Where am I going with this. Well, this my friend, is the worse apology for not blogging in the ENTIRE WORLD! I'm going to try to get back at it. I'm also going to try to get back at writing, but for now I'm going to go meditate. Om Sat Nam!!

Here's an old poem I found in my journal. I don't want you to think I don't care about poetic emotional instability. I am emotional instability. No damn it, I'm stable. Flightly, maybe - but stable none the less.

Please enjoy the poem! And life! I'll be back soon - with a list...

I see you with the world
in your eyes
and I wonder what it
really is
A lighting issue
a ray of sun light
it must be a lie
that I know
I'm not the one
that put it there.

ah... honesty

we all want to be the light

(secretly I want to be a sleep - nite)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Road Trip USA

In a little over a week my family and I are heading out west on a cross country road trip. This has been a dream of mine since childhood and I can NOT wait to go. Today I ordered a triptick from AAA, started research online for veggie friendly places to eat. Contacted some old friends about meeting up! And NOW I'M EVEN MORE EXCITED!

Up next... I'm gonna blog about it. Yup! Weekly Adventures on the road - maybe now my name will make even more sense (or some at all).

My route is 80/90 West to 76 to 70 and down to L.A. I'm taking requests. If you know of any places that are cool or restaurants that are great or an awesome place to hang out - check out - visit! Let me know!

I'm bringing my trusty laptop!
My digital camera!
and a sense of humor - god knows I'm gonna need it with a 22 month old in the car.

oh my god... I'm seriously giddy! Yippiee!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

WELCOME BACK TO MEATLESS MONDAYS! & you though I was over it... HA!

Oh meatless mondays... how have you been? Yes, I've been away - the last two weeks of my death meditation took over so... BUT I'M BACK!

This installment is dedicated to a friend of mine who is a fan of the meat. No - I won't be posting meaty things, at least not in reference to consumption of animal - but still delicious and juicy.

<- How about that picture? Direct and to the point.

Moving on... In the news! The United Nations is urging all the people around the globe to go VEGAN. Yup, you read that right! And why? Because this is a resource that we are bound to burn out. People need to eat - and the western obsession with meat and dairy will be the death of this planet.
Here is a link to the that talks about it in more detail, bringing up that most of the bad emissions that is killing our ozone (once gone we'll all fry too) is linked to animal farming.

I do understand how hard it is to submit to changing everything you've ever known about food. Food in a way is who we are, where we come from, our past, present and future. When you take a bite of something delicious that you had the day your child was born or at the reception of your wedding - those moments and memories flood you as your taste buds perks up.

Food is comfortable and cozy like a soft blanket on a cold winters night. It keeps us warm, tells us we're loved and helps us sleep at night.

So when someone suggests you change what you know, that security and comfort, the initial reaction is to become angry. That person is telling you to be someone or something you are not - and they are plane crazy.

I'll admit to the crazy part - but not in how you think.

You may not believe me but I grew up a meat and potatoes girl. Give me steak nearly raw, give me my potatoes baked and give me my gravy and make it a pool on my plate. I loved summer because I could grill - I started as soon as they'd let me. It was great.

"When that cow stops mooing put it on my plate." I said that - not proud I did, but I did.

The transition was weird and now it's been so long I couldn't even tell you what meat tastes like. I know when I come in contact with it because 20 minutes later I'll be sick [not kidding]. When I first made the switch back in the 90's there wasn't much of anything out this way. Amy's brand was around (I think) so I kept with the cheese and ate the pasta sauce that had the meat scooped out of it seconds before it was slathered on my pasta.

But today there are so may little thing to help you out - lend you a hand - show you how to be...
This book has some awesome recipes that will give you the "meat" you are looking for without the meat at all. How totally awesome is that? Come on. It's kinda awesome. No, its not vegan - but just make the vegan conversion and you'll be fine.

And that brings us to the recipe of the week. Are you ready?!

Vegetarian (vegan) Steak Sandwich

This recipe is from a lovely site called "The Veggie Table" you should check them out. 

Seitan Cheese Steak
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is famous for its cheese steak sandwiches. Now you too can get a taste of this wonderful, hearty sandwich.
Yield2 sandwiches
Time15 minutes
  • large saucepan
  • wooden spoon
  • tongs
  • 1 T oil
  • medium yellow onion, thinly sliced
  • medium bell pepper, seeded and cut into strips
  • ½ pound seitan, thinly sliced
  • 1 T vegetarian Worcestershire sauce
  • salt
  • pepper
  • 4 oz mozzarella cheese, shredded
  • 2 sub rolls, pieces of French or Italian bread, or Kaiser rolls
DirectionsHeat oil over medium heat, then stir in onion and bell pepper. Cover and sauté, stirring occasionally, about 5 minutes, until soft.Add seitan, cook for 2-3 minutes until golden, turn and repeat. Stir in Worcestershire, salt, and pepper, then top with cheese and let sit until it melts.
Assemble the sandwiches and serve!

For all you vegans out there, just give the old mozzarella cheese a switch to your favorite vegan brand - and I recently tried the soy mozzarella cheese from Trader Joe's - very good. When I went to shred it I had to check the package because I thought I grabbed the wrong stuff.

Now I shall be on my way! Hope you have a wonderful and meat free monday!

Later to your bad self,

Thursday, August 12, 2010


The subconscious of the human body is like the basement of a house. Its where all the creepy crawly things tend to reside and odd stinky molds like to cultivate. Once a year, probably in spring so you can open the widows wide and let in all that sweet fresh spring air, you can lug a over sized bucket of warm bleach water and scrub the hell out of the walls - kick that molds ass. And you can pull out your swiffer and seek out those damn cobwebs.

You can spring clean your butt off until that basement is, well, as clean as a basement can be.

But then summer rolls around.
The pool is opened. You go for walks. Parties and picnics. Food and friends. Hot sticky weather with humidity so thick it's like you're wadding through a bayou in Northern Ohio...

And then you stop - and your basement is just filled with cobwebs and mold again! Mother of pearl...

The bad feelings creep into your subconscious, growing and aggrandizing so capaciously the next thing you know you're slumped down on your couch with your laptop warming your pants as you weep gently to your blog.

One day, at least they tell me that, one day things will be better. I won't hate myself. I won't think I'm the ugliest person alive, or the dumbest or the whatever-est. No, it's not an every day thing, but every now and then it creeps up on me and I feel so dejected. How can I fix something when I'm not sure how it became broken?

When did this become me?

I've done so well with my meditations, lessons, writing but I can't seem to get past the vanity of it all. But then I think, if I feel like this... I hope others don't feel like this, but i know they do. That makes me sad.

I need to sleep now
it's late
I haven't been sleeping again... nightmares... so real that today I picked up my phone to call with my condolences for someone who is still alive.

ah... stress

Monday, August 9, 2010

Today I died - August 9th, 2010

What we learn from life can be numerous, but it also be missed. Concentrating so much on what happened to us in the past, how we were "wrong" and who is to fault. We cling to these moments in time allowing them to define who we are.

I cling to them allowing them to define who I am.

I see people from ten years ago and refuse to speak to them because so-n-so said I shouldn't when I was 16. Who really cares and who really knows?

I believe the things that come to us in life, good and bad, are markers on our journey to our death - because that is the only place to go. So we have a choice. We can grow angry, point fingers, bring drama into our lives - or we can simply accept that life is what it is and learn to celebrate the things that deserve to be celebrated and allowing all the other fodder to fall away.

Today I died at the age of 34. Today I start the next chapter of my life.

At the beginning of this quest to look at my life and to tear it apart I opened a lot of well sealed doors and I'm happy that I've done it. Yes, there are things I didn't accomplish - but it's fine because I know now. I know a lot more than I did a year ago.

My head is much clearer than it was. I can see things in a better light and I know while certain things may not be for everyone, they are for me.

That old saying, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" is run down, over used and tattered from years of abuse, but still it represents this moment of my life. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and yesterday is just that - over and filled with people, moments, senses, food and beauty - amidst all the crap I choose to complain about.

I love my life
I'm happy that I'm me
And I can't wait to get on with it.

If you've been with me through this whole process, I thank you. It's been interesting to put it mildly, but I will say this. If you're at a cross road in your life and you're looking back over your shoulder at a life that seemed to fit you like the perfect shoe - and you know it's slipping away from you.


You'll be fine. Trust me. In the end, you'll probably be even better.

Hugs and love to all of you,

Saturday, August 7, 2010

too much

I feel like running away again
running away from most things
not everything
not my son
I look around
I'm happy to embrace my life
I'm happy
but still running
No, it doesn't make sense
shouldn't I want to hold on to this
I don't know what I"m so afraid of
all of it
I just want to sit and listen
I just want to sit
instead of trying to figure things out
I don't want to think any more
I don't want to debate the obvious
I want to just be free
wind in my hair

maybe I want too much

Thursday, August 5, 2010

the end is near

Who are we but random people living out our lives. In this day and age we are more connected to everyone and everything than we have ever been, but still - we're no even close to knowing one another.

We talk and talk and talk about this, that and the other thing - we complain because we're tired, wore out used and then we forget the person next to us probably feels the same way. We forget that we may not be the only person that had a bad day.

The clock keeps ticking and ticking and ticking - the metronome of our lives counting down the second to the exact moment when this will no longer be an issue for us. The torch will be passed and then...

I'm not sure where I am right now. I haven't finished what I set out to do and I find that I'm inclined not to. I don't want to make amends because I don't feel I did anything wrong. Yes, I've been wrong - I've been a lot of things. Wrong is the least of my worries. But in this instance I don't feel I have anything to say.

"It is what it is" seems to be the mantra of this stage of my life, because you can't change the past and you don't know the future, all you can do is live this moment how you want to. And with my moments fading away I find that I don't want to reopen relationships with people just because twenty years ago we smiled a lot next to each other.

My memory is bad.
Maybe that never happened.

I want to say that when all is said and done the one thing I have, the one thing I've learned, is that life is meant to be lived - not watched. And with my "death" coming on Monday I'm happy. I'm happy that its not a real death, I love my son so much I don't know what I'd do, not that I could do anything.

So world, I'll tell you this. All that crap that's keeping you up at night... just let it go. Find that person you love and tell them that you do and enjoy your life, what ever that may be - just go for it.

I wish you the world.