The subconscious of the human body is like the basement of a house. Its where all the creepy crawly things tend to reside and odd stinky molds like to cultivate. Once a year, probably in spring so you can open the widows wide and let in all that sweet fresh spring air, you can lug a over sized bucket of warm bleach water and scrub the hell out of the walls - kick that molds ass. And you can pull out your swiffer and seek out those damn cobwebs.
You can spring clean your butt off until that basement is, well, as clean as a basement can be.
But then summer rolls around.
The pool is opened. You go for walks. Parties and picnics. Food and friends. Hot sticky weather with humidity so thick it's like you're wadding through a bayou in Northern Ohio...
And then you stop - and your basement is just filled with cobwebs and mold again! Mother of pearl...
The bad feelings creep into your subconscious, growing and aggrandizing so capaciously the next thing you know you're slumped down on your couch with your laptop warming your pants as you weep gently to your blog.
One day, at least they tell me that, one day things will be better. I won't hate myself. I won't think I'm the ugliest person alive, or the dumbest or the whatever-est. No, it's not an every day thing, but every now and then it creeps up on me and I feel so dejected. How can I fix something when I'm not sure how it became broken?
When did this become me?
I've done so well with my meditations, lessons, writing but I can't seem to get past the vanity of it all. But then I think, if I feel like this... I hope others don't feel like this, but i know they do. That makes me sad.
I need to sleep now
I haven't been sleeping again... nightmares... so real that today I picked up my phone to call with my condolences for someone who is still alive.