Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Life always gets in the way of life...

The one things I can say about life is trying to figure it out is a waste of time. There is nothing to figure out. Each moment is as news as the last and as different as the next and all you can do is take the good with the bad and find what makes you smile.

It's officially fall. The weather outside reflects the date on the calendar and that means snow is close at hand when we just had a 90 degree day less than a week ago. To make sense of this would be like the life thing - there is some weather term or whatever but at the end of the day, for me, it means my son's asthma has driven us to the emergency room and now I'm up all night just to give him treatments ever 4 hours.

I feel bad for my boy. He just wants to play. He wants to go outside and play in the sun and chalk up the ground but no, he's on a nebulizer filled with steroids - enough to make him eligible for MLB, and I'm sleeping on the couch so my husband can get sleep . I'm sitting here listening to Pandora and some band called Devonsquare, who was most influenced by Roxanne in 1991... but the band before them - British Sea Power was pretty cool.

What can I do?

He'll go to the doctor and be put on a slew of drugs that he'll hate and I'll hate giving him. They'll cost me an arm and a leg and in a few months when we move and don't have money I won't know how we'll get them, but we will. We always do. Things always work out. You just have to keep your nose clean and work your ass off.

Which I do.

Not today - today the only job I put time and money into was being a mom. (currently listening to Frausdots)

This was the job I never wanted.
The one I told everyone I would never have.
I didn't want to be called mom. It wasn't for me. But I sit here and think of him sleeping in his crib just over me. His little nose and perfect blue eyes with a touch of green/gray in the center. I think of how he looks at things when were out and yells out shapes that I didn't take a second to notice or how he sings everything and I'm happy I was wrong about that.

See - when you plan - well, when I plan it's just me really saying soon I'll be doing the exact opposite I always have. I'm a hypocrite like none other. I've lived a lot of lives and done a lot of stupid shit and still the one thing I can do is smile.

Regrets are for people who are afraid to live. You learn. You move on. You're you because of those mistakes and you're much more interesting than being someone who has never made any.

(the Gurus - totally fun. Check'em out. The song is "He was a man.")

I've beat myself up for mistakes before. It's fun. Massively unproductive. It solves nothing. Then I'm back here - back with me. I said a few weeks ago that I love being in love, and you know what? I do. It's my drug of choice. The older I get people tell me weird things like you fall out of love with a person after 3 years - I love so many things and people and places and moments and songs (All Wrong and the Plans Change - "All Wrong") that my three years over lap and I don't have to worry about not having it.

Just like the mom thing - I used to say how much I hated people. This was a lie. I've been afraid of them most of my life. I'm still socially awkward. But still I think I've fallen in love a 1000x - and boy can it hurt but when you sit back and look at it.... when you lay on your couch listening to an awesome song like (The Maccabees "About Your Dress") and that rhythm is right and the guitar is singing to you at that moment - that's love. Or when you go to your favorite bakery and they have freshly baked spinach bread (Italian bakery) that's love. When you stop and hold the door, catch the eye of a handsome/beautiful man/woman, get the best hug of your life from a stranger - love.

I wish I didn't try to plan out my life, but I'll say this, when things go wrong these days I rarely beat myself up. I don't regret messing up or looking the fool. I love that I'm a mom and laugh at the 20 something me who thought this was stupid - it's so not.

Even when you spent your afternoon/evening in the ER with a Doctor who looked like a young Saul Rubinek and sounded like Balki from Perfect Strangers. It could be worse. It could always be worse.

Been there too.

(Wire Dasies "Rocket Girl") - and now I sleep...


Monday, September 27, 2010

falling

when you start falling
stop bracing yourself
for the impact
enjoy the ride
when you star falling
know that we've all
done it
you will be find
when I start falling
I try to see
what's around me
what's around at all
and when I stop falling
I pretend it doesn't hurt
but it does
I pretend because I know
I'll get back up again
I've fallen
many times
before.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

Some Place Fresh - Revisited!

Life is such a funny thing.
Each week I intend to come on here and write.
Each week eludes me - stealing away all of my time. Next thing I know it's been weeks.

OR - if I do have a moment to come on here I begin to write and abandon my posts half way through with a shrug and a, "no one wants to read this crap."

There is something about this blog that I love with ever ounce of my being. It was originally named "Some Place Fresh" because I abandoned Myspace an my blog on there. I found blogger and made it my blogging home and my blogging sanity. Yes, sometimes I grasp at format and assume a position on a topic - but still this blog in mostly and whole heartily intended to vent.

And vent I shall.

You see, as I went over a fraction of my vacation there is something I didn't talk about. That first night we left Ohio behind and set out to live that inter-continental dream of driving from (near) coast to coast - I had a dream. (and not in the sense of the late great MLK jr. - but I have those sometimes too) But I did. That first night after teaching and then driving for 15 hours - I laughed as my son tore around like a mad man in our tiny hotel room. I smiled as my husband fell asleep and my heart was warm as I lay in that bed with the crib to the left of me and the snoring man to my right.

And then I slept.

The dream was long and there were a lot of parts. Now, you have to know, I dream in color. I dream loud. I dream so vividly that I've thought I had done things when I was awake that I had never done. Met people I have never met. My dreams have always been like this - I've written stories based on them.

Including one about Batman.

But they're just dreams. Yet, somehow, this one was different. There was so much too it, tiny oddities that even while sleeping I though "I need to remember that. That's important." But the one thing I remember through and through was this one line spoken to me, "Aryn. You're doing too much. You need to make a choice."

I thought about this, and as you can see, I still do. The entire thing was just different. How it felt. How it smelled. Who was in it. How I felt the next day.

So this is my choice. My choice is to write my book. My choice is to live yoga. My choice is to vent here. That's what this blog was intended for. I'm not a news source - even though I still have a great deal of passion for animals and vegan rights - I can't do it any more and maintain my life.

I can barely get out of my house long enough to detox. And EVERYONE needs to detox. There are days I want to pull my hair out by my roots and run around the neighborhood naked screaming at the top of my lungs because its just too much.

So I'm editing.

That doesn't mean I won't be on here - I will, maybe even more - but I won't be talking about things I have been for the last few months. I'm going back to Some Place Fresh. I'm editing myself back to the beginning of this blog. Talking about the things I love, music that moves me, books, television, movies - poetry.

I wish you all well and send you my love. May you be working on your Life Lists (that is something I'm still doing daily). May you think of one beautiful happy thought just before you go to sleep and when you wake up, may there be a smile on your lips.

Live. Sing. Vent. Play. Love.

that's what life is for ;)

Till next time
-Aryn


Friday, September 17, 2010

Condensed Vacation !!

I'm sure I'm just losing my mind. See, I've spent the better part of this week doing research on all things military related, from types of artillery, the mobility of certain tanks, capacity of vehicles intended for human occupation to the history of how versatile the American Armed Forces are and even the personal history of Gen Douglas MacArthur - whom I now have a lot a respect for.

So why am I losing my mind? Because last week my head held nothing but poetic ideas of the scenic imagery of a long trip from Ohio to California and back. And now I'm finding myself excited over the idea of just how agile the Sryker MGS really is.

Not necessarily a bad thing - just something different. Pretty sure the cobwebs in my gray matter has been wiped clean.

But speaking of that vacation - I do believe I said I would come back and tell you a little more about it, outside of wondering what people wanted out of their lives these days. So here is my highlight reel.

First night out - we made it to Effingham, IL - honestly couldn't tell you much about the place outside of us staying in a Best Western (I think) and that my son lost his mind at the idea of being in the same room as us when we slept - this is a big no, no at home - so the little fella was elated. Then he woke up screaming and ended up in bed. Not so bad but the 3'+ child took up the entire bed and yes... that cute little tush I love so much, I found it nestled next to my pillow and just as I did - he farted.

The next day as we were heading out of IL I asked if my husband would like to take a break and that I could drive - he wouldn't let me drive the entire vacation. I know what you're thinking, I must be a bad driver, I say NAY! You see in the nearly 20 years I've been driving I've had (count them) 2 tickets - TWO! In the past two years my husband has had about 6.........
This comes into play, as we are cruising down the 44 and I say to him, "If you have to speed at least stay out of the fast lane. We're in a bright red car. It's like you're asking for a ticket."

"Oh, we're fine."

So after we got pulled over and the nice State Trooper handed us the $75 dollar speeding ticket not five minutes after my comment - I asked to drive again... still no dice.

This was a point of contention the entire trip, but he didn't receive any more tickets so I can't complain. (even though I just did)

This brought us to New Mexico - which if you haven't seen it is beautiful. (there were other places but ID, IL, OK, & MO all look the same. There are a lot of trees. A lot of over sized crosses. A lot of billboards that tell you god hates Obama and this stupid ass Tea Party crap is good. Fireworks & porn. A lot of Porn. So I'm skipping it. Except for this place - the Meramec Caves - cuz it's cool.) But New Mexico is just beautiful. The colors are amazing to see and I wish I could have just hung out. The place is poor, New Mexico is the poorest state in the Union, but there was something about it.

My only warning is if you check it out be conscious of where you're at - We stayed in a shady hotel that we shouldn't have and 4 police cruisers, 2 ambulances, and 1 detective car later... it was a bit scary.

Outside of scary the other thing that turned my stomach was just outside of Amarillo, Texas. I had the privilege of seeing a factory farm... It ruined my day. The place is called Quality Beef and if you're getting your meat from there... well, it would probably be more sanitary to eat road kill.

But scary and gross really were the center of the whole trip. Honestly I had a great time. I'm having to cut this entry short because my son is waking from his nap, but here is another photo that sums it up for  me. Its me and my fam on Route 66 - one of the few family photos we have.

And here is why it was funny even at the moments when it could have been bad...


Hope you have a great day!! Off to learn about hand to hand combat (he swings his arms when he's grumpy... I have the black eye to prove it!) Ommmm!


Saturday, September 11, 2010

VACATION!! We're gonna have a ball!


Connie Francis sang a song called "Vacation." I know of this song because I'm a terrible speller and my mom looked at me one day and said, "This is how I learned to spell vacation, and played it for me." Till this day when someone say that word, the tune pops into my head.

THAT SAID! I just got back from vacation! Yes sir-ee Bob! Me, the husband and the kid jumped into our old 2001 Red Chevy Cavalier (two door) and set sail on a great adventure that took us from North Eastern Ohio all the way to Sunny Los Angeles California.

We began by discussing National Lampoon's "Vacation" as we headed out on the trip. The 23 month old strapped into his car seat, Laurie Berkner cooing sweetly from our factory direct CD player. Happy family tunes like "Rocketship Run" and a slew of other child friendly songs that are now forever imprinted into my brain.

In the beginning it was funny.

The first hotel we stopped at was in Effingham, Il. and you know what? When you're only 23 months old a hotel room is by far one of the most amusing things you'll ever see. As we tried to get ready for bed, my son ran around the room yelling, "bye-bye!!" over and over. We finally put him into his cage like crib and crawled into bed as he babbled about everything in his own unique language. My husband began to snore and I was fighting laughter but managed to close my eyes long enough that our son gave us and went to sleep - for two hours.

Then he came into bed with us.

Seems the room freaked him out - but let me say. Why is something that is 3'3" tall and about 30lbs... why does it take up so much room???

As the trip progressed we realized the route we were taking was directly next to, and sometimes directly on, the historic Route 66. This has been one of my dreams for a very long time, to fly to Chicago and rent a car to drive down Route 66 all the say to Santa Monica. The trip would take a better part of a month to enjoy all the stops. Restaurants and museums dedicated to a long forgotten era that was quickly replaced by highways and bi-ways, airplanes and all of those luxuries times has offered us.

We stayed on the actual road two times. One time in Santa Rosa, New Mexico which is famous not only for RT 66 but for being the location of The Grapes of Wrath shoot back in the 30's and a place called "The Blue Hole" - scuba diving in the desert. No joke.

Bits of 66 where everywhere. A museum dedicated to historical cars. Two motels that have been standing since the 66 era. A handful of restaurants you can't eat at if you're vegan... ;)

The other place we stopped at was in Oklahoma called Sapulpa. Never underestimate people. Sometimes they can be wonderful and make you a special sandwich that's not on any menu because you're vegan in a state that clearly is not.

As the trip rolled on and times grew tired it got me to thinking. What the hell are we doing? <- that was one of the questions but the other one was much bigger.

What we just did - it once was part of the great America Dream.

Whatever happened to the American Dream?

I've now seen a big portion of this country. I've been way east and I've been way west. Spent some time in the South, both desert climate and the jungles of Louisiana. I've drank on Bourbon Street, partied in the Village, slept in the Hollywood Hills, camped in New Hampshire, walked on Route 66, been stopped in Yuma by border patrol, award a speeding ticked in Illinois, seen the Grand Canyon (way off in the distance) and so many other wonderful things (except the ticket, that was just annoying)

I asked on my Facebook page about the America Dream and was told it was dead - but how can it be? If the dream is dead what is this country?

It's nothing.

The United States of America is a dream. It was a dream. It should be a dream for when my boy grows up. So I say it's not dead.

And now I ask you... what is your American Dream? I really want to know. What keeps you going? Why are you here? What were you born to do?

There is a whole lot of hate going on right now, and it scares me a lot,  because if we let that hate win... the I guess the America Dream is dead...

...anyway...

I'll have more to say soon - post some pictures of the trip. Tell some stories - because I have a few! But until then, I hope I hear from you!

-A