The one things I can say about life is trying to figure it out is a waste of time. There is nothing to figure out. Each moment is as news as the last and as different as the next and all you can do is take the good with the bad and find what makes you smile.
It's officially fall. The weather outside reflects the date on the calendar and that means snow is close at hand when we just had a 90 degree day less than a week ago. To make sense of this would be like the life thing - there is some weather term or whatever but at the end of the day, for me, it means my son's asthma has driven us to the emergency room and now I'm up all night just to give him treatments ever 4 hours.
I feel bad for my boy. He just wants to play. He wants to go outside and play in the sun and chalk up the ground but no, he's on a nebulizer filled with steroids - enough to make him eligible for MLB, and I'm sleeping on the couch so my husband can get sleep . I'm sitting here listening to Pandora and some band called Devonsquare, who was most influenced by Roxanne in 1991... but the band before them - British Sea Power was pretty cool.
What can I do?
He'll go to the doctor and be put on a slew of drugs that he'll hate and I'll hate giving him. They'll cost me an arm and a leg and in a few months when we move and don't have money I won't know how we'll get them, but we will. We always do. Things always work out. You just have to keep your nose clean and work your ass off.
Which I do.
Not today - today the only job I put time and money into was being a mom. (currently listening to Frausdots)
This was the job I never wanted.
The one I told everyone I would never have.
I didn't want to be called mom. It wasn't for me. But I sit here and think of him sleeping in his crib just over me. His little nose and perfect blue eyes with a touch of green/gray in the center. I think of how he looks at things when were out and yells out shapes that I didn't take a second to notice or how he sings everything and I'm happy I was wrong about that.
See - when you plan - well, when I plan it's just me really saying soon I'll be doing the exact opposite I always have. I'm a hypocrite like none other. I've lived a lot of lives and done a lot of stupid shit and still the one thing I can do is smile.
Regrets are for people who are afraid to live. You learn. You move on. You're you because of those mistakes and you're much more interesting than being someone who has never made any.
(the Gurus - totally fun. Check'em out. The song is "He was a man.")
I've beat myself up for mistakes before. It's fun. Massively unproductive. It solves nothing. Then I'm back here - back with me. I said a few weeks ago that I love being in love, and you know what? I do. It's my drug of choice. The older I get people tell me weird things like you fall out of love with a person after 3 years - I love so many things and people and places and moments and songs (All Wrong and the Plans Change - "All Wrong") that my three years over lap and I don't have to worry about not having it.
Just like the mom thing - I used to say how much I hated people. This was a lie. I've been afraid of them most of my life. I'm still socially awkward. But still I think I've fallen in love a 1000x - and boy can it hurt but when you sit back and look at it.... when you lay on your couch listening to an awesome song like (The Maccabees "About Your Dress") and that rhythm is right and the guitar is singing to you at that moment - that's love. Or when you go to your favorite bakery and they have freshly baked spinach bread (Italian bakery) that's love. When you stop and hold the door, catch the eye of a handsome/beautiful man/woman, get the best hug of your life from a stranger - love.
I wish I didn't try to plan out my life, but I'll say this, when things go wrong these days I rarely beat myself up. I don't regret messing up or looking the fool. I love that I'm a mom and laugh at the 20 something me who thought this was stupid - it's so not.
Even when you spent your afternoon/evening in the ER with a Doctor who looked like a young Saul Rubinek and sounded like Balki from Perfect Strangers. It could be worse. It could always be worse.
Been there too.
(Wire Dasies "Rocket Girl") - and now I sleep...