Friday, October 29, 2010

A break!

Most days I feel that life is a beautiful thing, and today really is no different, it's just that today I'm crabby. I'm crabby because, we'll I'm not sure - mostly because I choose to be. The last two days I've just been in a little pity party mood that makes me want to only look at the negative things in this world.

What a crappy way to waste your day.

I suppose that it's stress, but the stress in my life is self induced. Not that I've headed out looking for things to be stressed about, but the things I want out of life have lead to stressful situations. Between moving across the country to writing this book, from longing to be a stay a home mom to finding more gigs as a yoga instructor. Everyday is an adventure that, after an extended mount of time, has led me to a tired plane of crabby.

I do try to look at the bright side and fine the rainbow (and even find the double rainbow - regardless of what it means) but some times the only thing you can see is about a foot in front of you and while your logical side may be telling you to shut up and just hold one because NOTHING will last forever, even this crappy feeling - you can't.

I can't.

So I'm taking a break from it all to just stop and smell the flowers because working 24/7 is just too stressful and while yes - I DO want to have my book done on time so I can progress to the next level - yet I want to be sane to enjoy it.

All of life can be work but sometimes a little play will make that work much more enjoyable and then much more productive.

This weekend is Halloween and my son will be a horse/cowboy (without legs - it was a cheap costume, but he seems to like it a lot). And tomorrow I'm going to a grownup party where I'll be child free for one night - which rarely happens any more. But for now I must go play "tickle the toddler" before we eat lunch and I need to stop looking at the deadlines like execution dates and know that everything will happen if I'm in a good mood or bad - so I may as well be in a good mood or otherwise I'm just going to have a crappy time.

And who the hell wants that?


Friday, October 15, 2010

Rolling on

the affair I've been having with myself as of late has been wonderful, but alas, like all wonderful things this too much come to an end. Now... what does that mean?
Time to make the cuts. I really wanted to have my second draft done by the end of this month but due to some issue - mostly illness - I've fallen behind (and due to the how lazy I allowed myself to be for no reason, it's gotten worse) and that means I need to save the few words I have for the second draft...

I'm sure I'll come on here and vent at some point.
Tell you how I'm listening to The Morning Benders and how I have yet to hear Jenny & Johnny. Or maybe by the next post I'll some how be really into metal... you never know. I DID used to listen to Ministry... youth...

But it's for the better good because what it comes down to is this. Life. I talk about it often. In depth and off the cusp of whatever emotion I'm riding that day, but here is my lesson for the week. (and now I'm passing it on to you)

Sometimes we use changing the current moment as an excuse not to do the things we truly want to. We say things like, "But then I can't go see the game," or "But if I don't get a full 8 hours of sleep I'll be a wreck." We obsess on the things we feel we're going to lose. Moments in time that will pass by so quickly chances are we won't remember them - because you can't remember them all in the end, it's impossible.

BUT

It's a gamble and most days I'm not much of a gambling women, but in this I will be. Sacrificing today in order to have the tomorrow I want and the tomorrow I know I deserve I will give up writing on here all the time, I will give up television, I will write in the morning and in the afternoon and again at night. I will not go out more than once a month. I will work my butt off to finish this book - and that means this draft and how ever many I need to make it perfect, all the queries, the rejections and whatever I need to do - but this is what I want more than I've ever wanted anything.

I'll bet on myself that I can win because I'm willing to just do what needs to be done.
I'm a sure thing
   in a very good way

This is what I need to do because one thing I am tired of in this world that I call my little island is failing, giving up, all because of fear. I'm tired of giving up. I'm tired of half-assing my way through life because I know I'll just get by. And that's "ok" - it's not.

I'm tired of being disappointed in myself because I know I can do more but I won't - because Fringe is on.

So go listen to Elliot Smith, the Stones, ELO, Michael Franti, Rancid, Modest Mouse, Jimmy Hendrix, NOFX, Rilo Kiley, Fences, Joe Cocker, Muddy Waters, Frank Sinatra, Billy Holiday, Black Flag, Lou Reed, Op Ivy, the Pixies, Gerald Finzi, Mozart, Elvis, Elvis Costello and whom ever else you love - and love them.

I'm on a roll!

See you on the flip side! Off to write!


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Blame Game

Here it is, my rant. This rant is about the "blame" game. There is nothing I hate more because at the end of the day all you get out of pointing a finger is avoiding whatever the real problem is.

A couple breaks up / divorces - take sides
Friendship falls apart - draw a line in the dirt

Everything stops long enough to show who is right and who is wrong - who is good and who is evil. And this pisses me off because its not that simple.

Humans are not simple.

"They used me!" Chances are you used them too. No - this does not apply to everything. This doesn't mean that there aren't bad people out there - there are. But in general - you are responsible for your own life so place your energy into that life and make it the best possible life ever. DON'T spend all your time getting involved in petty crap. DON'T assume that the one side you hear is the right and only side. DON'T be the person that dumps your problems on someone else because it's easier to pretend you're something your not.

Perfection is a myth.

You have a better chance of heading down to the south west border and netting yourself a chupacabra then serving the thing up for dinner on Thanksgiving. There is just no such thing as perfection. No one is always right. No one is always wrong. In general we are all doing the same thing in this world - we're trying to survive and sometimes in that survival it's very easy to think that there is an "easy way" or that we can find an out by blaming the next guy.

It's the blame game.

Its not you, it's me
He treated me like crap (why? 'cause he didn't jump at your voice?)
She is a nag (why? 'cause you don't listen when she speaks?)

We run, we hide, we pretend things are something they aren't, we try to relive that moment in our life we loved so much and then we miss so much more.

There is to much crap in this would you can't control - the blame game isn't one of them. Be a man/woman and admit you're wrong and at the same time - stand up for yourself. Go out and get the things you want but do it the right way.

Some things in this world just are what they are and over time they're nothing but a blip on the radar of our lives - our short lives - instead of wasting it with words that are bitter and cruel... keep your mouth closed and nod.

fin


Monday, October 11, 2010

weird

there is nothing sane about making yourself slightly sad, but I do it all the time.
I listen to mopey music and find myself swimming in mournful mood and I like it.
I like being sad

weird

yes - yes... it's just weird


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Unintentionally Me.

I think like most things in my life, this blog - something I started for all the wrong reasons - is the thing I love. One of the things that is.

Intent is an amazing thing - I intend to do many things when I wake up in the morning and by night fall it's very interesting to see what I can cross off my list.

Maybe I wrote a few pages
Maybe I did the laundry
Maybe I did my workout
Maybe I did 1000 chores I've been putting off for months

but I doubt it

I always intend to. [Camper Van Beethoven - "I know I'm Not Wrong" - Tusk]

I intended to use this blog for the solemn expression of my feelings and beliefs - to write and write and write. To vent and be free of the common every day burdens I feel the need to allow stay attacked to my soul like a burr to my pant leg in the woods. And I've done that.

I say what I think here. Yes, sometimes I'm full of nothing but piss and vinegar and yes, sometimes my poetic side bleeds onto this screen like the ink in my personal journal - but I say what I think, regardless. Weekly Adventures is my Utopia because even if you sit there, reading these words, judging the hell out of me - I don't know. I can't see it. I don't hear you.

I am unscathed.
I am free.

So the actual "why" is in the past and it no longer matters, outside of making me chuckle that I thought through shear will power and a slight hint of magic (I suppose) would bring to fruition the delusion of grandeur I had in mind way back that cold January night.

Another adventure all in itself. [Bears - "You can tell" - Shortest Day of the Year]

Now I sit here, my hands poised over this dirty key board with music pumping into my ears - some band I've never heard of, the quest for new music continues - and I type about the newest delusions of grandeur. The book. The move. The idea it won't be 40 out on my birthday... well, at least I pray it doesn't snow - this year.

I sit here thinking about dreams long gone that I feel the need to breath life back into. Traveling. Baking. Cooking. Poetry. Photography. Painting. Music. I think how I always wanted those things but decided to buy a ticket promising me security disguised as a happy little life - picket fence and all - but in reality it was a coat of boredom and wrapped in someone else's skin.

It wasn't me. [Gus Black - "Trillion Things" - Autumn Days]

I think that's why I like visiting with friends from 15-20 years ago - they knew me before I sold my soul for a decent wage and low insurance payments. When they see me I'm an older version of the person they knew way back when and I'm not the woman who created a blog for reasons filled with negativity and doubt.

A cry of some sort.
I think all I did was cry then - it'll be two years this January.

The lesson I've learned from this blog is a lesson old as time. "This too shall pass." I can sit here and read over the documentation of mental breakdowns to euphoria and back again. Fear and pride. Tears and sorrow.

Life is an adventure, if you let it be.
Every day
Every damn day
Smiles
Hugs
Words
Rain
Storms
Clouds
SUN SHINE!
Food
GREAT FOOD
Bad TV
Terrible Football Games
Horrible movies
Traffic
Speeding Tickets
Tears
Scraped knees

Laughter

Life

Maybe the intent was wrong, but the outcome is just what I wanted, what I needed.
Me.
Just who I wanted to meet. Just who needed to read these damn layers of drivel. The person that who was cowering in the back of my head. The forgotten soul.
Me.

They say good intentions pave the way to hell. Well sometimes shitty ones pave the way to freedom.
Scary. Beautiful. Freedom.

[Fences - "From Russia with Love" - Fences]


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

dead men

Why do I fall in love with dead men?

Poets, musicians and writers
trap me with their words
entangle me with emotions
spinning me up
throwing me back down

spinning me up
throwing me down

I am lost
longing for someone I can never touch
can never talk to
never hold

they consume me
and I'm lost
so very lost

it isn't fair to do that to a woman
hoist her up so very high
when you just walk away

I yell at them in my head

maybe I should turn off the music
close my books
get off line

maybe I should just sink into
the daily grind
lose my mine
and be done with these torrid affairs
with the dead.men
or maybe I should realize
that saying maybe means
I won't

their words will  ravage me
and I'll latch on to every last syllable
they will break my heart
because in the end
I'm a woman who is
in love
with

words

the words of
dead men


Sunday, October 3, 2010

Fences

In general when you see this man the last thing you would expect would be for him to sing folky music. My husband told me about him, so I check him out.

I need money to buy music! I NEED MONEY! But who doesn't in this economy?

His music is wonderful. It's honest, I think that's what I'm liking the most. A lot of times people get caught up in metaphor and simile and don't realize the easiest thing is just to say it out loud.

I MASSIVELY include myself in that mix.

I realize that indie music isn't what all people want in their lives and that some seem to think it's "chick" music, which is fine - more for me. But I think, regardless of the genre of music you like or even love, finding someone that can move you, make you scream, or whatever  - is a hard thing.

Anyway, I'm so far behind on writing, but I can't let that stop me now can I? I've made it this far, now it's time to get to the finish line. I'm almost done with chapter 8 and tomorrow I'm moving on to 9 - I don't care if 8 needs more work, I can't stay there or I'll never move forward and isn't that the point of life? To keep moving...it's so much harder than you would think it is. Moving forward, moving on, letting go.

Our past has moments in it that are like plaque in our arteries. It is hidden in a way you don't see it day to day, but it's blocking off the flow to our source. I think I have all of my plaque cleared out and then I find the ones I care about the most are harboring plaque for me - offering it to me when I think my artery is good and clean.

I don't care for this.

Life isn't a game. It isn't a base for revenge. It isn't something given to us so we can think we are better thank others or to harbor things to use as leverage or to throw back in someones face. That's not life. That's an episode of a CW show. That's a bad "tween" movie. But it's not life.

Know where you came from.
Look to where you want to be.
Smile and love this life you have - because it's a gift. That person, or those people you love.

You're favorite pizza.

Don't look at all the bad crap. Don't hold grudges. Don't blame other people for what is - blame is as bad as games. It's solves nothing - it's a distraction.

If something bad comes to you realize there is something to learn, you're never alone - if you're lonely, stop to open that door you never meant to close. Understand that the reason is to make you strong for you, for them, for the world...

Oh life...
I woke up grumpy.

I sat in my sorrows like barfly sits in his booze. It drenched my body - consuming me until the sad grumpiness turned into anger and all I did was sit pointing fingers looking for someone to blame, because this mood, this feeling, can't be my fault.

Nothing is my fault.

Nothing was ever my fault.

The cosmos was intended to open - parting wide like the red sea and everything I had ever dreamed would come sailing down to the earth at my feet and that was all.

No work.
No sweat.
Screw tears.

It was my fault - my reckless abandoned attempt at life. Drawing people to me than shoving them away like lepers. Saying I loved them, but never lifting a finger to help. Knowing I could, but simply was to lazy.

Then they all left and I shut my door, better for it. Better for being right all the time...

What is life? It just is. And it is important. You are important. We are all important.
No one is right all the time. No one is better than then someone else. We just are.

So all we can do is let go of the baggage and move forward. All we can do is celebrate the small victories, cry at the tragedies - when we're sure that's what they are. Love with every part of you.

And just be.

Because life is short and you can never judge a book by it's cover - if you do... bully for you, but no - not really. Because then you may see Chris Mansfield and think he's not the guy behind Fences.