Sunday, October 10, 2010

Unintentionally Me.

I think like most things in my life, this blog - something I started for all the wrong reasons - is the thing I love. One of the things that is.

Intent is an amazing thing - I intend to do many things when I wake up in the morning and by night fall it's very interesting to see what I can cross off my list.

Maybe I wrote a few pages
Maybe I did the laundry
Maybe I did my workout
Maybe I did 1000 chores I've been putting off for months

but I doubt it

I always intend to. [Camper Van Beethoven - "I know I'm Not Wrong" - Tusk]

I intended to use this blog for the solemn expression of my feelings and beliefs - to write and write and write. To vent and be free of the common every day burdens I feel the need to allow stay attacked to my soul like a burr to my pant leg in the woods. And I've done that.

I say what I think here. Yes, sometimes I'm full of nothing but piss and vinegar and yes, sometimes my poetic side bleeds onto this screen like the ink in my personal journal - but I say what I think, regardless. Weekly Adventures is my Utopia because even if you sit there, reading these words, judging the hell out of me - I don't know. I can't see it. I don't hear you.

I am unscathed.
I am free.

So the actual "why" is in the past and it no longer matters, outside of making me chuckle that I thought through shear will power and a slight hint of magic (I suppose) would bring to fruition the delusion of grandeur I had in mind way back that cold January night.

Another adventure all in itself. [Bears - "You can tell" - Shortest Day of the Year]

Now I sit here, my hands poised over this dirty key board with music pumping into my ears - some band I've never heard of, the quest for new music continues - and I type about the newest delusions of grandeur. The book. The move. The idea it won't be 40 out on my birthday... well, at least I pray it doesn't snow - this year.

I sit here thinking about dreams long gone that I feel the need to breath life back into. Traveling. Baking. Cooking. Poetry. Photography. Painting. Music. I think how I always wanted those things but decided to buy a ticket promising me security disguised as a happy little life - picket fence and all - but in reality it was a coat of boredom and wrapped in someone else's skin.

It wasn't me. [Gus Black - "Trillion Things" - Autumn Days]

I think that's why I like visiting with friends from 15-20 years ago - they knew me before I sold my soul for a decent wage and low insurance payments. When they see me I'm an older version of the person they knew way back when and I'm not the woman who created a blog for reasons filled with negativity and doubt.

A cry of some sort.
I think all I did was cry then - it'll be two years this January.

The lesson I've learned from this blog is a lesson old as time. "This too shall pass." I can sit here and read over the documentation of mental breakdowns to euphoria and back again. Fear and pride. Tears and sorrow.

Life is an adventure, if you let it be.
Every day
Every damn day
Smiles
Hugs
Words
Rain
Storms
Clouds
SUN SHINE!
Food
GREAT FOOD
Bad TV
Terrible Football Games
Horrible movies
Traffic
Speeding Tickets
Tears
Scraped knees

Laughter

Life

Maybe the intent was wrong, but the outcome is just what I wanted, what I needed.
Me.
Just who I wanted to meet. Just who needed to read these damn layers of drivel. The person that who was cowering in the back of my head. The forgotten soul.
Me.

They say good intentions pave the way to hell. Well sometimes shitty ones pave the way to freedom.
Scary. Beautiful. Freedom.

[Fences - "From Russia with Love" - Fences]


2 comments:

  1. I know I don't comment enough, but I love this, and I love your blog...This is an example why...Your honesty, no matter where it take you, or the reader, you put it out there!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm terrible about commenting on blogs too. Well, unless it's something I feel like being long winded about ;)
    Then I'll go on for pages and pages and pages... lol

    ReplyDelete