Monday, November 22, 2010

I'm grateful for Facebook

For the last 22 days on Facebook I have attempted to start my day by posting a status that list something I'm grateful for. This had become increasingly hard, the longer the month grows I find myself lost at 5:30am without a thankful thought to be seen. Now, don't get me wrong, there are many things I'm grateful for like people in my life, people who aren't in my life, memories, anticipated future happenings and a thousand other things all the way down the aglet on the end of our shoelaces because I like to say that word - aglet.

So I'm upping the ante on this little daily practice of gratitude. First, I'm not stopping until the end of 2010 and second I'm going to try to be more honest, because lets face it - when it's on a website dedicated to connecting people (some of whom you haven't seen in 15-20 years) we may bend the truth just a little bit or say we're grateful for thing we really don't care about.

I can't say that I've gone as far as to manufacture things to like, love, be grateful for, etc - but there are days I didn't really try. (I'm thankful for poppycock)

I am human after all. Subject to change without warning all because of a little internal voice I choose to quiet though yoga and meditation. And when I don't practice on my mat and I don't meditate for over a week - that voice comes back with a vengeance. I'm not a fan of this voice, but over the last few years it's gotten quiet and when it suggests I do something stupid my other voice says, "Think we'll skip that. Didn't you want to dig out that copy of Dune? OH! COCONUT ICE CREAM!"

With that said, even though I posted things I'm grateful for today I'm going to post on here too to get this more honest thankful ball rolling.


-I'm thankful that I'm 35 because at 35 I can look myself in the mirror without a ton of makeup and still think I'm pretty.

-I'm thankful for farting, because it's funny even if it is tacky and smells bad - it's funny.


-I'm thankful that I convinced myself at a young age I'd never get married and forced myself to learn about all sorts of things like cooking, basic automotive care, and haggling just to name a few. And why does that have anything to do with being single or married? Because I felt if you planned on getting married you only had to know half, then the person you were with would know the other. [What can I say, I was 7.]

Being thankful for what you have and who you are is only half of what life is - being honest is the other. If you are willing to lie to yourself about stupid things like vanity weight and ego - than you're probably willing to lie about other things. A lie is a lie is a lie. White lies included. If your friend looks bad in a dress she tries on, be tactful and tell her because you know you wouldn't want your friend to lie to you.

When you sit down this week and celebrate this American Holiday of Thanksgiving - if you choose to say something you're thankful for - be honest. If you're only thankful that the stuffing doesn't have celery in it, say that, because making up a pile of things that sound as if they should be in some Gerard Butler, Hilary Swank vehicle - you need to remember that was written by a writer - it's not real.

Love. Truth. Honesty. Faith. Self-approval. = Freedom.

What are you thankful for? Oh, one more. I'm thankful that you read this. :)

Friday, November 19, 2010

Passion (it's not just a fruit)

Time is moving so fast these days I'm not sure what to make of it. I looked at receipt dated last month and for a split second I thought it was last year. This has happened to me more than once lately, for some reason I think it's 2011... like it's not going fast enough, now I have to miss an entire year!

You can see that I haven't been on here lately, actually I'm not sure, maybe I have been. I forgot to schedule blogging time. Who forgets to schedule blogging time?! That's what madness looks like!

I've just been doing a lot lately. Trying to figure out how to drum up business because I've gone from a bunch of students to no students again and I'm still writing, in the morning - honestly I should be in bed so I can get my ass up to write in a few hours - and on top of that I'm starting an online business.

Between dirty diapers, cleaning the house, packing, selling things on craigs list, everything I listed above, and all added to the normal everyday joy of things like - paying bills, battling AT&T (who can't seem to call me back), cooking, playing and what ever else one does in a day - I'm a bit fried.

Yet still, there are those moments I have to myself. Moments when I'm playing or driving or showering when I can't be reached by phone (or choose not to be) and the computer is in the other room, and in those moments I think too much about things - about everything. Today was no different.

Today's topic was passion.

About two years ago I finally saw High Fidelity - the 2000 John Cusack film that was adapted from the Nick Hornby book of the same name.  If you're a fan I'm sure you're thinking what everyone else kept telling me for all those years, "I can't believe you say you like to read and you love movies and you've never read or seen High Fidelity!"and like I would say to everyone, "My husband saw it and didn't much care for it, so I'm taking his word."

Then I was pregnant for 2.8 BILLION years, and in that down time I found myself watching things and reading things I had said I'd never watch/read.

Enter High Fidelity.

The story of a down and out bloke in London who didn't finish university, but instead opened a record shop and moved in with his woman. Then he had a big ass pity party for himself because it wasn't what he thought it should be - then he cheated on his woman (who was pregnant at the time - I don't think he knew that). And then... her father died. So they screw in a car and he decides it's okay. All those things that bothered him, the lack of passion he had for his life, that was okay - because in real life comfort is comfortable and settling is fine and passion is something that only exists in your head.

Now - I didn't hate either of these items. In the movie Jack Black was brilliant. And I've read other Nick Hornby books, well I read one. "About a Boy."

My issues is with the end of this book and I've had this conversation with my husband since watching it on several occasions. My issues is with saying that giving up and giving in is okay - because that is what I feel Rob Gordon (John Cusack's character) did.

Moving on to my revelation about passion!

So there I am sitting behind the desk at my work, staring at my journal, thinking about all the things I need to do before this week hits me - because it's Turkey time - and this book pops into my head. In general I haven't had a conversation about this topic, if it comes up I tend to say it was "OK" and I'm glad "YOU LIKE IT" but it wasn't my favorite thing out there - but this is my issue, and it's the same issue I have with a lot of things - the lack of passion.

Why wouldn't you want to be passionate about the things in your life? Am I built wrong? Is that the wrong answer? I want passion and I don't care about all the side-effects because I'd rather have it coursing though my veins then just being an almost able body floating through life doing what is comfortable. And this isn't a "sex" thing - which is a clear undertone in this book. He's dispassionate about life so he goes looking for it via an affair... It's a everything thing. I'm passionate about some of the most ridiculous things and I know it bothers people, but you know what? That's not my problem. If someone else's drive and passion bothers you, please go sit someplace quiet and figure out what's really bothering you.

The older I get the more people I look at and all I see is defeat. Why? It's only over when you're dead - and who knows?! Maybe it's not even over then!

Mark Twain said, "Most men die at 27, we just bury them at 72."

That statement is funny because it's true. You read it and someone pops into your head and then you shake your head to dislodge the image.

I have this cat. Soon he won't be mine anymore. When I found out that a new home had been found for him I was sad. I've had the cat since birth. I remember when his mama was pregnant. It's been a long time - maybe six years.

Then last night, after I said I couldn't part with him, he came up to me and rubbed against my leg and I yelled, "Come on! Will you go away." And then I felt like crap. He just wants to be loved. He has that chance, his new home will be with a senior who is pretty much at home all day ever day. She'll pet him and feed him and love him, but my selfish side doesn't want that because it's not me.

We do this in life. We cling to people even after time is up and we should be kind enough to let them be loved someplace else. We cling to a memory of what was. We sacrifice ourselves and their lives to be comfortable - knowing we'll never have to try because everyone is so tired it doesn't matter.

It's easier for me to yell at the cat and keep him here than to let him go because I'll miss him. And it's easier to stay with the wrong person because you are comfortable with the patterns you have chiseled out of time than to start anew and find someone who will spark that passion. (or stay with the same old job, etc.)

Passion isn't a bad thing. It isn't something to be feared. If you've had it in your life before and now you've just let it settle right under your skin because of life's little complications - bring it back out. It makes the sun warmer during the day and the moon bright at night. It makes the honeysuckle smell sweeter in the spring and the crispness of fall prickle at your nose. It makes you stay up for too many hours working yourself thin when you know you should be sleeping and it fills you more completely than anything thanksgiving meal ever could.

Settling is what you do in court when you don't want your good name dragged through the mud. It's not what you do in your life, in your love, in your soul.

Be passionate about something.
Be alive.

It all moves so very fast and you won't be anything anymore.
Make them remember you, even for a moment, because you were the one so filled with life you're passion become contagious.

Don't settle.
you're just wasting you.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Yes. It's rendered me mad.

When you wake up one morning and decided that it's all or nothing, suddenly things begin to change in your life. You look around and start to see the possibilities in your life rather than the limitations - this is one of the many things I tell myself daily!

Yes - there is one thing standing in between us and our move to sunny Los Angeles California and that is money. Who, pray tell, decided money should exist?? I want to know this (I'm assuming it was those damn Romans) because when I build my time machine (to hell with your science Stephen Hawking & you're "we can only move forward" crap) I will be heading back in time and kicking the el crap-o out of the dude. And let's face it... it was a man. Not being sexist, just attune to history is all.

Maybe I should hit the old "wikipedia" to find out what they have to say on the subject... Looks like it wasn't the Romans! But you did nothing to stop it, so you're on the list too my friends. It was a pre-Greek civilisation called the Phoneicia. They started with trading and then realized carrying cattle with you was just a bit too cumbersome... hm... I admire your ingenuity but still. But still... They also invented the alphabet that the Greeks adopted and that we later adopted - seeing that I'm a big fan of the alphabet I can't be all mad at them, but STILL! COME ON!

[here is another site on the Phoneicia if you're all anti-wiki.]

Moving on. So this push for money has led me to cleaning and preparing to sell everything that I can give to lose and you know what I've come to realize? No one should ever give me money and say, "Get whatever you want!" Because that means, "Seriously, go buy some crap you'll never look at again and put it in your basement/attic/bedroom closet." Really, do I NEED all of this crap??

Between that and working (aka - teaching yoga) and making the eye pillows (you should buuuy sommmeee!) and I just recorded a yoga nidra CD and I'm going to be doing a few more and then some guided meditation. All of that plus, packing, being a mom/wife and trying to journal and meditate... my writing has come to a near halt.



I have sat down this morning and written out a play by play plan on how I'm going to do all of the stuff I need to do. All of it will be done. It will. Including the book. YOU WILL NOT... I'll stop with the caps, but I'm going to do this. And why? Because I'm sick and tired of giving up on things because it gets a little hard. That is the summation of my life. Too hard? Who cares! Just sit on your butt and do nothing.

Take on so much I just shut down. OVER! You will not, I repeat, WILL NOT get me to quit this time. You and your sly way of convincing me that I deserve to watch 14+ hours a TV a week. That is a punishment! That is the crime! SO IT IS OVER!

Just like this blog is! Because this was just a stop in my crazy day of selling stuff on the old Craig's List. Plus I need to write. How else am I going to be a writer? Exactly.

I'll just spell it out: Finish book -> Move to L.A. -> Have book do famously -> Use fortune to hire scientists to figure out the whole backward "time travel" thing -> Go back to 1500 BC -> Berate the Phoneicians for trading and later creating money.

Then - nap.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Wishing, hoping and dreaming....

Do you think there is a website out there where you can go make a wish and know it will come true? Like a wishing well of the web! I'm sure there is, I haven't looked, chances are I will before I even finish this post.

I'm also sure it will cost a certain amount of money or maybe they'll suggest a donation - because one thing is for certain, when people are wishing really hard, someone else is seeing a way to profit on it. This can be good, this can be bad, but most times it ends the same.

Wishes that were never granted...

I want you to sit there and for a moment I want you to close your eyes (after your read the next portion of course). I want you to close your eyes and let the world fall away and then I want you to ask yourself what the one thing is that you would wish for?

What is that one dream you've always wanted?

I wish upon stars, numbers, auspicious dates... I've probably wished upon you one time or another. Just to see if it would work, hey, you never know - some say diamonds are a girls best friend. I say having a good luck person is just as delightful.

And I found this site (its free and I was wrong) where you can make a wish online and then find magic, potions and all the goodies for netting that dream, reeling it in and then mounting it on the walls of your life for everyone to see. But be careful. Be sure you really want your wish... So what should I wish for?
World Peace?
Mounds and mounds of vegan chocolate?!!


I wish.... (I can't tell you. Then it won't come true for sure!)

I wish and hope and dream and pray every day of my life. I complain and I get depressed and I find excuses a lot of the time too, but in the end the first half wins out. In the end I believe in my heart that everything happens for a reason, all the bad along with all the good. I believe that life is to short to get hung up on the crappy stuff - even though it's hard and I believe that my wishes will come true. Maybe not exactly how I thought they would but they do.

And I'll smile and I'll laugh and I'll be happy - because outside of writing and becoming a yoga instructor that is the only things I've ever really wanted to be.