Friday, November 19, 2010
Passion (it's not just a fruit)
Time is moving so fast these days I'm not sure what to make of it. I looked at receipt dated last month and for a split second I thought it was last year. This has happened to me more than once lately, for some reason I think it's 2011... like it's not going fast enough, now I have to miss an entire year!
You can see that I haven't been on here lately, actually I'm not sure, maybe I have been. I forgot to schedule blogging time. Who forgets to schedule blogging time?! That's what madness looks like!
I've just been doing a lot lately. Trying to figure out how to drum up business because I've gone from a bunch of students to no students again and I'm still writing, in the morning - honestly I should be in bed so I can get my ass up to write in a few hours - and on top of that I'm starting an online business.
Between dirty diapers, cleaning the house, packing, selling things on craigs list, everything I listed above, and all added to the normal everyday joy of things like - paying bills, battling AT&T (who can't seem to call me back), cooking, playing and what ever else one does in a day - I'm a bit fried.
Yet still, there are those moments I have to myself. Moments when I'm playing or driving or showering when I can't be reached by phone (or choose not to be) and the computer is in the other room, and in those moments I think too much about things - about everything. Today was no different.
Today's topic was passion.
About two years ago I finally saw High Fidelity - the 2000 John Cusack film that was adapted from the Nick Hornby book of the same name. If you're a fan I'm sure you're thinking what everyone else kept telling me for all those years, "I can't believe you say you like to read and you love movies and you've never read or seen High Fidelity!"and like I would say to everyone, "My husband saw it and didn't much care for it, so I'm taking his word."
Then I was pregnant for 2.8 BILLION years, and in that down time I found myself watching things and reading things I had said I'd never watch/read.
Enter High Fidelity.
The story of a down and out bloke in London who didn't finish university, but instead opened a record shop and moved in with his woman. Then he had a big ass pity party for himself because it wasn't what he thought it should be - then he cheated on his woman (who was pregnant at the time - I don't think he knew that). And then... her father died. So they screw in a car and he decides it's okay. All those things that bothered him, the lack of passion he had for his life, that was okay - because in real life comfort is comfortable and settling is fine and passion is something that only exists in your head.
Now - I didn't hate either of these items. In the movie Jack Black was brilliant. And I've read other Nick Hornby books, well I read one. "About a Boy."
My issues is with the end of this book and I've had this conversation with my husband since watching it on several occasions. My issues is with saying that giving up and giving in is okay - because that is what I feel Rob Gordon (John Cusack's character) did.
Moving on to my revelation about passion!
So there I am sitting behind the desk at my work, staring at my journal, thinking about all the things I need to do before this week hits me - because it's Turkey time - and this book pops into my head. In general I haven't had a conversation about this topic, if it comes up I tend to say it was "OK" and I'm glad "YOU LIKE IT" but it wasn't my favorite thing out there - but this is my issue, and it's the same issue I have with a lot of things - the lack of passion.
Why wouldn't you want to be passionate about the things in your life? Am I built wrong? Is that the wrong answer? I want passion and I don't care about all the side-effects because I'd rather have it coursing though my veins then just being an almost able body floating through life doing what is comfortable. And this isn't a "sex" thing - which is a clear undertone in this book. He's dispassionate about life so he goes looking for it via an affair... It's a everything thing. I'm passionate about some of the most ridiculous things and I know it bothers people, but you know what? That's not my problem. If someone else's drive and passion bothers you, please go sit someplace quiet and figure out what's really bothering you.
The older I get the more people I look at and all I see is defeat. Why? It's only over when you're dead - and who knows?! Maybe it's not even over then!
Mark Twain said, "Most men die at 27, we just bury them at 72."
That statement is funny because it's true. You read it and someone pops into your head and then you shake your head to dislodge the image.
I have this cat. Soon he won't be mine anymore. When I found out that a new home had been found for him I was sad. I've had the cat since birth. I remember when his mama was pregnant. It's been a long time - maybe six years.
Then last night, after I said I couldn't part with him, he came up to me and rubbed against my leg and I yelled, "Come on! Will you go away." And then I felt like crap. He just wants to be loved. He has that chance, his new home will be with a senior who is pretty much at home all day ever day. She'll pet him and feed him and love him, but my selfish side doesn't want that because it's not me.
We do this in life. We cling to people even after time is up and we should be kind enough to let them be loved someplace else. We cling to a memory of what was. We sacrifice ourselves and their lives to be comfortable - knowing we'll never have to try because everyone is so tired it doesn't matter.
It's easier for me to yell at the cat and keep him here than to let him go because I'll miss him. And it's easier to stay with the wrong person because you are comfortable with the patterns you have chiseled out of time than to start anew and find someone who will spark that passion. (or stay with the same old job, etc.)
Passion isn't a bad thing. It isn't something to be feared. If you've had it in your life before and now you've just let it settle right under your skin because of life's little complications - bring it back out. It makes the sun warmer during the day and the moon bright at night. It makes the honeysuckle smell sweeter in the spring and the crispness of fall prickle at your nose. It makes you stay up for too many hours working yourself thin when you know you should be sleeping and it fills you more completely than anything thanksgiving meal ever could.
Settling is what you do in court when you don't want your good name dragged through the mud. It's not what you do in your life, in your love, in your soul.
Be passionate about something.
It all moves so very fast and you won't be anything anymore.
Make them remember you, even for a moment, because you were the one so filled with life you're passion become contagious.
you're just wasting you.