Sunday, December 26, 2010

Confidence is Key.

Having issues with my body my entire life, this is a topic I'm very well versed in. Some like to blame the media for processing images of females in a certain light that allows self doubt to fill young (and old) minds, forcing us to believe we are not good enough or pretty enough to be well liked.

I'm not alone in this slippery road of doubt. I have had many female friends and even male friends, that do nothing be put themselves down because they don't look like some body double that most people don't even realize is being used for the movie they just watched. (or the large amount of air brushing that has gone into all those images we see out there.)

Yes, over the years people have yelled and screamed about how it's unfair and that real woman, blah, blah, blah - but it goes both ways. Suddenly the people who are "hated" because they're not a perfect size 0 are making fun of the ones that are telling those woman they're not "real."

But we are all real.

Having a good body image is the foundation of having a good relationship with yourself. Being able to be naked by yourself out side of a bathing scenario is important too. There is nothing wrong with thing you're beautiful - just as you are.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I just read an article about having "self-esteem" about your body image and it just keeps bringing me back to this quote I heard last week. "In my day we didn't have self-esteem, we had self respect." I can't remember who said it, but if you're out there obsessing about your body (like I do ALL the freaking time) have a little self respect. You're probably way more than worth it. I know I am, yet I torture myself, even though I know I'm underweight.

Most days I love me. I really do like my body and I find the older I get the easier it is for me to love myself. When I was young I looked at medical operations that I could get one day so that I too would be "beautiful." I even told myself that I would marry the first guy that told me I was beautiful - I'm glad I didn't but I do remember the first man who told me I was beautiful, not "cute" or "adorable"  because I'm not a puppy, but beautiful. And in the next six months I had 3 other guys tell me the same thing.

Yes, that was the year I learned about how guys will call you beautiful if they think it'll help them remove yoru pants....

I'm 35 and still borderline naive. This used to bother me but then I realized it wasn't a bad thing because what we see in the world - the hate and anger and ill intention - is a bi-product of who we are. It's a reflection of how we see things. I don't look to people to tell them things to get my way - so when people do that to me I don't see it. Some can say this makes me less than intelligent but I'd rather not be well versed in the subtleties of manipulation, I'm to tired to waste what little time I have on screwing with someone to have them do what I want.

No - I'll stick with naive.
Naive with a side of self doubt - but I don't worry about that either these days because I know I'll succeed. As long as I work hard and stay true to myself I can do anything, I can succeed.

One day I will, I'll achieve all the things I want in this short life. I'll be published - as a novelist. I'll have a photography showing. I'll write, play and sing music - live - again. And most of all I'll stand naked in front of myself and I'll think, "hot damn, I'm beautiful."

because i am.

Confidence is key
have faith

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I love music! I really, REALLY love music.I do :)

I love music, but I'm sure you may know that if you've read my blogs more than just this once - if not - I love music. It's the greatest invention of man. It is a ball of everything and it makes you smile and it makes you cry and it makes you so damn giddy that all you can do is smile and smile and smile over and over and over.

I was in a bad mood all morning and then I just started listening to some great tunes and now I'm just a thousand smiles and how can I not be? I have the coolest kid as a son - a pretty rad husband - it's TUESDAY and in 4 days its CHRISTMAS!! Then 2011 is coming at us next and that is just another thing that should make us all smile. Why?

Every day is a second chance.
Every new year is a new life.



I can't wait for the world and why should I wait? It's right there for me to look at and yes, there are things that suck and there are terrible things just lurking in the shadows, but if you look at life like that... why lurk?

How can you not love the honesty of a great song? How the lyrics roll over time signatures, flat and sharp notes, break downs, bridges and harmonies. How can you not love something that is about as simple as breathing.

Find something you love, right now, for me. Find something you love even if you can't touch it - bring it to your mind and I don't care if it's an object, person - a noun or a verb - love it. Love it for this moment in honest just. Don't expect, don't attach, don't relate - just think about how you love it, them, that thing.

I could sit for hours and do nothing but listen to music.
That and read.
Read, write, listen, play, cook and eat - add some travel and that is the best life I could hope for. Then taking all of that and grabbing the coolest kid ever and my rad husband.... awesome.




Monday, December 20, 2010


I've come to the conclusion I know nothing
I came to this conclusion years ago
but every time I think I'm figuring it out
I'm wrong

And it's not like I'm an imbecile
I can function properly with the best of them
but still
I know very little when it comes to humankind

How can I when even they don't

how fluid like water we are
rolling in and out of situations
molding to form
becoming slightly stagnate
then rushing right by

How can you know what form water will take
when you don't know where its

I've stood corrected so many times
I stand corrected right now
or maybe I'm just baffled

I'm something

I'm tired

I know nothing because there is nothing really to know
it is what it is
and I can only keep rolling
I too may mold at each nook
at each turn

but I can't sit
I won't become stagnate
and if that means there are things I'll never understand
than, I guess thats just how it's meant to be.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Oh time, how you hate me.

I'm having one of those days where I should be doing about 100 other things but my mind is being drawn in the wrong - very nonproductive - other direction.

What does that mean?

It means that I've come here to run away and hide from thoughts I wish not to have and responsibilities that will be there when I'm done with this (and when my pizza comes out of the oven in 8 minutes)

Life is rather easy. Honestly it is - but there are times when I just get so wrapped up inside my head that the only thing I want to do is eat, cry, sleep and then eat some more. Seeing that I have no food in the house the eating is out and that I run with a wild two year old - crying and sleeping are things that need to be scheduled in. Don't get me wrong - I'm not some overly depressed waif humming and hawing over the trivialities of life, its just sometimes I feel like I can't do all that needs to be done and I kinda lose it.

But who doesn't?

When it snows like it has been and all of those convoluted feelings seem to become even more pressed into me... well it's not pretty. Not even a little.

So what the hell is the purpose of this whole thing? This LIFE we all cling to day in and out? Why do we hold onto people we no longer associate with and let their memories hurt us? Why do we insist we need to "reward" ourselves with foods treats that we know will only hurt us over time?

Why do we have to be so damn human?

Humanity is the bitter pill - just in general and over all. Humanity is the reason we are what we are and we do what we do, because we're all prone to fuck up.

It's okay.

These are the things I tell myself when I'm feeling less than accomplished at the end of the day, but I know in my heart it will get done. I think the thing that has been bothering me the most is that I haven't had time to write. Between work, packing, starting a business, my son and husband my book has taken back seat and it makes me very, very sad.

One more day, right? One more day closer to being able to finish it... one more day till I get to see my five little fictional friends again and determine what will happen in their lives next...

The pizza is calling.

talk soon

Friday, December 3, 2010

How to be a sneaky blogging thief!

Well, I came on here to write and then I did so, and then I hit the wrong button and it all went away. Yes... technically errors just adding another level of 'UGH' to a week of 'BLURG!'

I've neglected this lovely blog of mine and I do miss it. I feel she is a great friend and sometimes life gets in the way and you neglect your great friends. This is a terrible thing, but it's true. 

The last time I came on here I posted about how I was going to keep writing things that I'm grateful for and then after Thanksgiving I found myself just keeping my grateful list "in house" meaning they're locked away inside my journal. I write in my journal every day, some times two times a day, and I find in hard times - such as these - it helps me keep my head on straight and to keep going. 

It helps me to change the perspective I have in my life, because while you can't change the world around you (all the time) you can change your perspective. That is for sure. 

So what does this have to do with me being a thief? Well, I didn't actually go out and take another man's blog and call it my own - but I am taking an idea from it. A friend of mine write a blog called Confessions of a Lazy Scribe and yesterday he posted a list of 25 things about him. I found that I could relate to a lot of things on his list so I thought I'd do my own. (also this blog pretty much is an all about "me" fest, so it just makes sense to list things about ME!)

So here you go:

25 Things you may not all ready know about me:

  1. When I was a child my fear of heights was so bad that I couldn't step up one rung on a ladder. When I was in high school I decided this was unacceptable and made a friend of mine take me into the catwalks of our high school stage. It was terrifying but I was proud of myself for doing it. When I finally climbed down (climbing down is the worst part about heights) I found out the catwalks were original to the school - meaning they were over 40 years old. I never went up again out of fear the decrepit wool would give and kill me - a lot. 
  2. Five years ago one of my husbands friends asked me if I ran or exercised. I told him the only way I ran was if someone was chasing me. - I now work out daily and by workout I mean practice asasna of yoga.
  3. I write every day. Either blogging, journaling, working on my book, writing poems or music. I write every day because if I don't I feel like I've failed. 
  4. I care way too much about what others think about me. Almost every single life altering mistake I've made has happened because I refused to listen to that little voice in my head and the feeling in my gut because I was scared if I didn't do it no one would like me. 
  5. I have really bad self esteem. It's the reason I joke about everything - I hide behind humor. I hide behind sarcasm. Because when I do that I feel like no one can tell that I'm shaking inside. 
  6. I give myself pep talks every day and let me tell you it's beginning to work. It's taking a long time but I'm much more stable than I used to be. I don't fall back into bad habits as I once did. If I do, it's conscious at this point. Yes - some days I choose to make bad choices, but don't we all?
  7. I started smoking when I was 13 with one of my girlfriends I play basket ball with. We'd wait till after practice and hide behind the gym and smoke. That's more than half my life of smoking and more than half my life of trying to quit. Then one day I met my son and I went from a pack a day to 1 a month - maybe. 
  8. I've always loved to drink but never really got drunk until I was in my mid-to late 20's. Outside of that I've never really done much else and never wanted to. I was put on strong pain killers for a wrist surgery I had when I was 16 and found that I like them too much and cut myself off. If you see me taking pain killers there has to be something super wrong because I really don't like the idea of dependency. 
  9. I no longer like to drink. When I do it's rare and its normally with the people I used to drink with. When I spend time with my other friends I have coffee, tea or water. (and the coffee and tea are decaf)
  11. If I could own 2 archers of land and house and a horse I would in a second.
  12. I can't spell to save my life. 
  13. <- this is my favorite number because it was my due date. I was due October 13th. How rad would that have been?
  14. I like to drive and I like to drive fast. 
  15. I like Small Faces but I can't stand Rod Stewarts solo work. He makes me want to pull my hair out. I don't know why - he just does.
  16. I like to quote Television shows, the only problem with this is that I don't watch shows my friends and family like and I never have so no one ever knows what I'm talking about. 
  17. I love social media - all of it! Facebook, blogging, twitter, four square, you name it - I think it's awesome. And I don't understand people who don't like computers and social media. It just confuses me.
  18. I LOVE meeting new people! And I don't care who they are. Old,  young, big, small, rich or poor - I think every person you meet can give you a little insight to life you may have missed out on.
  19. I like to be awake when the worlds asleep because there is a lot to learn from silence
  20. I don't like talking on the phone. I will but I'd rather talk face face. 
  21. I want to travel around the world with my son and husband. I want to save up a bunch of money and just go and never look back. 
  22. When I was little I wanted to join the Navy and become a fighter pilot. I wanted to fly the f-18 Hornet or the f-15 Eagle and then I discovered the SR-71 Blackbird and I fell in love. In 1991 when the Air Force decommissioned the plane I sat on my bed talking on the phone to my friend Gilbert (really his name) crying. 
  23. I gave up on the military career when I found out I would never be able to fly fighter jets because of my eyes and my gender (it was the 80s) and that is when my love of Russia began, because they allowed woman to fight in the military. We now do that - but when I was little woman didn't fight, not like they do now. 
  24. I think that Russia is one of the most fascinating countries out there. I think their history is outstanding from their origins with the Vikings to the fact the named themselves the Third Rome (after Rome and the Byzantine empire) then to their adoption of Communism and embracing athismn. That's just a few things. I could talk about Russia for hours. 
  25. I believe in ghosts because I've seen them.
Now I'm off! Time to write and clean and shower and change and all in the next hour and a half!! Tell someone you love them today and be grateful for all the adventures in your life!