Thursday, March 31, 2011

The never ending life of change...

Today I have to figure out how to do everything that I used to do with a child that no longer naps. This may seem like a little bit of nothing, but I can only wish that were true. Getting time on the computer (and not just my phone) is a hard thing any more - which means I'm behind on blogging, writing, and even paying bills! Yes, I'm behind and soon it will become an actual "problem."

But change is the one constant in life, so after this many years you would think rolling with the punches is something I've mastered, but then again - who ever really masters that? There is always some curve ball that takes you off guard and the next thing you know you're shifting things around to make it to the next stop in life - whatever that may be.

My time that used to be filled with meditation, working out, writing and working is now filled with tantrums and conversations that sound like this:

"Bad boys get sent to their room and good boys get to stay here and play with mommy. Are you a bad boy or a good boy?"

"*sniff* *sniff* I'm gooooooddddd....."

"Are you sure? Because you look like you're being a bad boy to me."

"Nooo.... I'm goooooooddddd..... *sniff* *sniff*"

Then we start playing again and I try to not pull my hair out. Then there is my other favorite conversation:

"Oh! Oh! Mama! Where's my bottle?"

"You're a big boy. Big boys don't use bottles. Here's you're sippie cup."

"No bottles?"

"Nope. No bottles."

And then that leads back to the first conversation...

Most days I try to sit here and find something that will allow me to see the bigger picture, because I know this isn't it. This is a moment in time that I'll, soon enough, look back on and laugh - because from even a small distance this is funny. His tantrums are filled with crocodile tears and rolling around on the floor and they end just as fast as they start - but when I'm in the eye of the storm it feels like tomorrow is never going to come and this is just the end of it all.

I look around for "signs" or little bits of wisdom. A quote from someone smarter than me or a comment that catches me off guard - I've done this all my life.

But suddenly things are different.

One of my very favorite people ever has been going through a hard time lately. My heart goes out to them, but there is nothing I can do but listen - so I've been trying my hardest to do just that and give little bits of advice when it seems like to much. This is cathartic to me. It helps me to get perspective on the inane moments in my own life - and yesterday was no exception to the rule.

My friend sent me a text that they broke down, they lost it, they were crying - so I said that it was a good thing. Crying cleanses the soul - because it really does. Then I admitted I spent a good portion of Monday AND Tuesday doing just that - blubbring around my house like a little  baby, crying and crying my eyes out.

My friend asked why and I told them. I told them about my week - my terrible, terrible week (that I'd like to share but this one actually goes waaayyy past appropriate blogging content - for now - maybe with some change I'll be able to share) but in the end I cried a lot.

I told them the whole story - my Monday and my Tuesday. Emails and Phone Calls. Texting and comments that were hurtful and angry and my friend sent me a text that said, "Ok. You win."

The first time I win anything in my entire life and it's a pity party.

The odd thing? I was okay with it because it is what it is. My life IS WHAT IT IS. And I'm fine with that. Yes, it has its moments that suck. Trying to pack, work, tell people and not tell people that I'm moving (out of fear of termination), trying to be a good and decent person, mother, wife and friend, paying bills, working, writing, and all the other parts of like - it is what it is.

Yes - the beginning of this week was terrible - (did I mention that I'm also sick and that I realized I'm allergic to gluten?) - but that doesn't mean my life is terrible. Bad things can happen to anyone - to me, and even to you - and it's not the "thing" that defines us, its how we deal with the "thing" that defines us.

Yes - there are people out there that think I'm mean, selfish, conceited, etc., but you know what? I know who I am and I'm not any of those things. I'm cautious, I'm caring and I have a family that I adore that are more important to me than keeping quiet about things I don't agree with.

For someone who writes a lot you would think I'm capable of speaking my mind but the truth of the matter is that I'm not able to do that - so my life is complicated only by me.

Today I get to figure out how I can do all the things I need to do with a toddler that no longer wants to nap and a mouth that no longer wants to be quiet.

But I'll figure it out because I always do, because I can and because sitting around idly by and being someone I'm not because dealing with confrontation is not what I like - those days are over.

I'll take the tantrums and Finding Nemo
And tomorrow I'll laugh at this
and smile.

Hey - maybe I did win. How's about that?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Skin. It's big. It's itchy & it's mine.

This has been on of "those" weeks. You know the ones I'm talking about? The ones that drain every part of you one drop at a time until you're lying on the floor, in a big old heap, crying like a fool.

Yup. Good times!

Over the last few months I've been having problems with my skin. Part of me is being superficial about the mess and the other part just can't deal with how, physically, uncomfortable it is. My right eyelid is dry ALL THE TIME and there is this patch of oddness under my nose and a weird break out of acne on my chin. As time goes by and I try every lotion created by man I've come to the conclusion that it must be dietary.

I don't eat meat, dairy, eggs, honey - I only eat organic. I don't eat fast food, I don't drink soda, or eat sugary foods - I eat chocolate, but not a lot and it's vegan dark chocolate with a low sugar content <-that's my one weakness.

What is left? Wheat.

Yesterday I broke down and went to a dermatologist and lost $50 of my money and 3 hours of my time to have a woman stand 3 feet away from me and raise an eye brow as I told her all my attempts to change my diet to help my skin and then she gives me a prescription for antibiotics.

Yes - because having a terribly yeast infection so I don't have acne on my chin just SCREAMS good time.

In the midst of this I stopped and bought a vegan cherry wheat muffin - I've suspected the wheat allergy for some time but decided I must be wrong and bought and ate this delicious, delicious treat and let me tell you about how I'm SO allergic to wheat. My skin - all of it from my scalp to the soles of my feet, began to it. My inner ear - itchy. The back of my throat - itchy.

What is a side effect of this sort of allergy? Skin issues - like the one I'm having.

Sometimes drugs aren't the answer - MOST times drugs are not the answer. They just hide what the real problem is, but they don't solve it. It's a mask. Pain Killer MASKS pain. And topical creams (that if I get in my eye could cause permanent damage) only make more problems.

What we eat IS what we are. And I know that but I didn't trust it.

This is yet another lesson of this long week. One of many... I'm hoping today brings better news and sunshine - because I need sunshine.

Learn from my mistakes. Please. That will make me feel better, to know you aren't waisting $50 to not be diagnosed with anything. How said, or medical system, that would rather sell you product than help you. If I want product I'll go to the mall and you know what? At least they won't insult me when I say I use "cruelty free" products.

need food.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Chicken with it's head cut off = me

My husband tells me I take on too much, but I hum and haw at him, until tonight when I wrote up my "to do" list that I was to begin after our son was in bed and my husband was long out with his friends and the damn list was almost a page long and I only have 3 hours to do it all (well, I have longer but I'm a fan of sleeping....)

I have accomplished almost all of it - excepted for blogging here and on my other site - and my other site I need to be more... professional??

Any way, I had a reading the other day (and I mean Angel Card and I'd normally lie about that, but I'm done lying about things so...) and the reading was insane and hit a lot of points right on the nose and was freaking because it was too accurate at times. In the end it has come down to I'm on a deadline and soon I'm giving up a lot of stuff and I'm not working 7 days a week any more because I'm getting sick a lot more lately and I know it's due to stress and lack of sleep.

Then I beat myself up because I'm not doing what I want to do because I can't say "no" which is insane - I'M INSANE!

But you know what didn't come up in the reading? L.A. booooooooo

Then again, the reading only extended out through April/May so I'm guessing that since I'm not moving till September that could be why. I was told I'm going on a trip soon.... I wish and hope that's true because she used words like "relaxation" and "massage" and I would LOVE that.

Can you have a massage for 4 days straight? I'm willing to try.

OK! Need to write a letter, email 200 yoga studios and still finish chapter 32! Well, at least its only 10pm... 1 hour till bed!


Friday, March 25, 2011


I had the chance to sleep in this morning, but my body didn't agree. I woke at 6:30, half alive and ready for nothing. This week has been long and draining.

I am tired.

I'm sitting here on my couch watching my son eat and listening to him say things like, "A train!" over and over and I love him for it. I love watching him learn and grow. It's amazing what potential our children have and how terrible adults can be to children.

When I grew up disciplining was still acceptable in schools. Yes, the dunce corner was not longer in existence, but if I had a dime for the times people told me or my parents I was stupid. Well, I know I'd have at least two and that's two too many. Every child is different, how they learn is different - and diversity is what is great about humanity. Telling a child they are stupid because they don't process the world like you do is ignorant.

Telling anyone that are stupid because they don't agree, process, or do things just as you do is ignorant.

People take the first amendment and then run wild with it. Yes, the Constitution was put forth as a barrier to protect the citizens of the United States, but it wasn't created to allow and or support negative, mean, cruel and racist comments. The :golden rule" transcendent all theology and religion. Learning that taking something created to spread love and peace and then butchering it so you can press your own personal agenda is a sad, sad thing.

This is what I love about propaganda and this is what I love about humans - our need to be told by someone of "authority" what we are looking to hear. No, it may not be true, nice or useful - but as long as it give you the credibility to keep believing what you want to believe - HAVE AT IT! Have at it indeed....

I have a lot of beliefs.

I believe that the earth is round, that it revolves around the sun, that it's impossible for us to be the ONLY lifeforms in the Universe. I believe in a higher power, but I don't like calling it "god". I believe that animals have a right to live and the people who are pro-life that eat meat are hypocrites.

And I believe that even though YOU may or may not believe this doesn't in any way shape or form mean you're stupid.

But then there are those who like to prey on people.

We live in scary times. Earthquakes, nuclear disasters, tsunamis, murder, rape, on and on and on...
I knew that this year was going to be filled with propaganda, people stating the world is ending because 2012 is right around the corner, and let's not forget the 10 year anniversary of September 11th.

The reasons to spread hate, anger, greed is all around us.

We have food being sprayed with chemicals that will harm you. We have a generation that doesn't realize processed food really isn't food - at least not as it is defined in the dictionary. We have new political parties that are opening tied to companies and allow those companies to affect the parties agenda - thus making our country not the democratic land we try to believe it is - capitalism, it's a bitch.

I could go on for days, but I still think underneath it all there are people that give a damn. That, in general, people care. We get our news from businesses, business that need to make money and how do you make money? With crazy stories about over paid spoiled people who think drugs are the answer and that large numbers next to the words "PRESUMED DEAD!"

Make it big, make it bold, add an examination's mark and it must be true!! <- truth!

What doesn't make papers sell? Stories about us common folk that pay the extra dollar at the grocery to give to the homeless. Us common fold that donate all of our old clothing to the vets.  The mom's and dad's that work 3 or 4 jobs so they can give their children a great life.

Like I said. I'm tired. It's been a long week. It's been a long a lot of things, but I want to stop and say thank you to you. Every single one of you matters because even if no one can see the acts of kindness you perform, it's still worth it. People like you are the reason I can keep going because I know, one day, I may meet you and get to shake your hand and know the world is a little bit better because of you.

Like I said. No one's stupid. We're all just different. Different lives, different paths, different - unique.

embrace that
love that
live that


Thursday, March 24, 2011

Tom Petty ain't just whistling dixie... that's for darn sure...

Waiting really is the hardest part...

Sorry about the break down yesterday! Let me take a moment to poke fun at myself for not taking a step back and a big old deep breath. It's very easy for me to get caught up in the moment, once provoked.

But that happens to most people.

I think the hardest part about this move is the amount of time that has past since the first time we mentioned it. You see, we were supposed to be gone by now, but life is life and things go wrong and suddenly your savings is a little bit smaller than you would have liked, and the government is snagging your legs with clauses...

In general we don't talk about it outside of our home, and me on here. We keep it in house because, in general, most to believe that we are really going. But how can you blame them?

"We're leaving in November!"
"We're leaving in March!!"
"sigh... we're leaving in September!!!"

I do take into account that things happen this way or that for a reason, and I keep working.

I write my book and blog nearly daily now. I promote my yoga and veganism almost daily too.
I've streamlined my schedule so my Yoga classes will be (starting April) Monday - Thursday, allowing me more time to write and to work on promoting and writing articles.

I set up a fun Yoga Night Out with a local restaurant (just waiting on the exact date to be set) - where you get to take a class with me and then go out for food and drinks at Johnny Mango. (If you want more info it's only $35 and you can email me here.)

I'm working with a local studio about promoting National Vegetarian Week this coming May23rd-29th and hoping to extend the events to other studios in Ohio.

So I'm busy - but then comes those moments - when it snows ;-)
And those moments when I run into someone who I haven't seen in a while and they say... "Oh, I thought you were moving to L.A.?"

This is why being so overly emotional stinks - honestly, that shouldn't bother me, but for some reason I let it bother me. Had two places tell me they wanted to work with me and didn't hear from them and was all depressed... why? These are things I need to work on...

On an up note - I'm almost done with Chapter 32 of my book and my cousin read the first 29 chapters and loved it! She's helping me by working on the edit of the first portion as I finish the second. I'm going to try to write on the fly today - seeing that my son is not longer napping because I refuse to let him have a bottle in bed with him.

Later I teach (3 classes today) and then I'm going to a benefit show for The School of Rock.

............ in general I feel good, but stressed by the waiting.... We've wanted this for such a long time and keeping my self busy helps, but at the same time it doesn't........

Oh Tom Petty... how you can feel my pain...

"The waiting is the hardest part,
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith,  you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part..."

sure as hell is...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Things I will not miss

Yes, there are things that I will miss when we finally get to getting and head west bound on 90, but let me tell you there are things that I won't miss.

Obviously the snow. But at the same time I do think I'll miss that when it's not a permanent part of my life.

The things I won't miss are situations I've been thrown into because of certain people in my life - that I can't seem to remove - who do terrible and selfish things that somehow fall on me. I'm tried of selfish people who are so passive aggressive they lash out at people around me spreading fear and hate and then act like they didn't do anything and to take it even farther they tell OTHER people they shit they do in the guise the person they victimized was really the actor.

You're a childish jerk and I'm so done with you.

I will not miss you.
I do NOT care who you are or how we know each other.
I will not miss you one bit.

Monday, March 21, 2011

me. complaining. it's not pretty. no. it really isn't.

I want to complain, but at the same time, I don't want to complain. I hate people who complain. I sit there and listen (because I'm only partially a jerk) and I think about how I can get them to realize that complaining about nothing won't help with anything.

So I don't want to, because I know it won't solve anything.

It won't make my son less irritable when he wakes up.
It won't give me more hours in the day to write, teach, clean, read, write, and write some more. Oh and eat.
It won't solve my money issues or marketing issues or my bills.
It won't solve anything to sit here and whine about things - no it won't.

But I want to complain because I'm losing my mind. Today has been so long and it started last night. My son threw a tantrum, pooped in the tub, then my computer refused to open word, so I couldn't write. After that my eye began to water so badly the lid puffed up and that lead to honest crying because it hurt so much

Hey, but at least I got to eat chocolate.

Then today my son woke up at 4:15 because I refuse to give him bottles in bed any more.
He's 2.5 - it's time.

I have to go teach... That's what the world wants. A grumpy yoga teacher... yeah - that's the ticket...

I'm going to go do pushups
A lot of them
until I'm so tired I collapse....

than I can't complain, because I'll be face down in my floor.

p.s. - I do get the whole lesson here... yes... go complain, no one wants your head to explode.
why must I always be so judgy?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

20 Delicious Vegan Meals that DON'T SUCK!

Seriously. Being a vegan doesn't mean my food tastes like cardboard. If you can't cook, you can't cook - it doesn't mean you don't eat meat...

Titles like that just irk the hell out of me!

Today I woke up super earl and stayed in bed till past 7am. It was like a holiday. In the time I laid in bed I made the decision to work on my book and to set up some yoga events. Yes, I'd like to branch out more and yes, if someone comes along and offers me a job that pays more and would help us move I'm in, but I need to get this book done.

It's been a year.

Come on!

So that is what I'll be doing.
That and starting to pack. I'll be sure to post the numerous garage sales we will be having!! MONTHLY!

But for now I have to figure out dinner so I can go to the store and buy what I need before going to the library and borrowing me some Bon Jovi.

Just because I can.

Friday, March 18, 2011

A list of life

Today I bought 50lbs of rice for eye pillows and consumption for less than $20.

I spent time with one of my oldest friends. I was the maid of honor in her wedding and held her eldest hours after she was born. We've been friends for 20 years.

I cuddled with my son.
Ate a pint of strawberries.
Sent the first 29 Chapters of my book to my cousin in AZ.
Fixed my finances.
Set up an event with a local 'hot spot'.
And sent an email or two.

Now I'm getting ready to make some YOGA - HERE flyers!
And write.

My house is a mess.
My son is asleep.
My husband is working a side job later.

Next up, I will go to the store for pizza fixings
Dig up my garden bed for planting fun in the next month or two
And begin to plant seeds in my kitchen...

Oh and I need to make 10 eye pillows and 2 sets of Mala Beads - brain storm on fundraisers - and play more with my son.

This week has been the most amazing week I've had in a long time. Some lows, but mostly highs. I'm happy with my life - yes - it would be nice if I was making more money, but money is money. I love being a yoga teacher, writer, mom that cooks, cleans and works too much.

I really, really do.
Off to buy my husband a smart phone as a surprise! :)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

As we tell people about moving there is always one things that we're asked. What will you miss? To be honest, I don't feel I'll be able to answer that until after I'm gone and and have a chance to be gone long enough to be away.

That said there are a few things I will miss, and here is one: LAKEWOOD PARK

 I've been going to this park since I was a little girl. Every year this is where we'd watch the fireworks on the 4th of July and they had/have these big bench swings my grandmother loved to swing on as we played on the grass.

In high school I went here to hide, because my school was in the next lot to the park. The school is still there, but it's not a grade school, my high school closed a while back. 

Over the years I've always come back here to think. To watch the water. To hide from my life. 

This is what is left of what it looked like back when I was in high school:
That area is now blocked off due to sinking into the lake :)

But they made it all pretty for the kids on the block - like my boy:

I'm sure there is another park out there that I will love, but nothing will replace Lakewood Park in my heart.

On a side note... seriously I totally knew it was a 1970 Dodge Charger... the movie came out in 1971! HOW COULD IT BE A '79?!! lol

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Mixin' it up!!

I think that every few years you need to reinvent yourself. Yes. I really do. If you wake up and you look around and you are close to 225% comfortable, its time to mix it up and change your life. Do things you normally wouldn't do (with-in reason) and dust your life off.

That means I'm going to a car auction.

Yes, I'm a old school lame-a-tron that simple goes out and buys new car. In general, this is a rather big waste of money seeing the car depreciates by 1/2 the second you leave the place you bought it. But for me, that is comfortable. Its easy to walk in and talk to that guy/gal who is all slick and smiles too much and tries to convince me I really need heated leather seats.

Just like all vegans need heated leather seats...

But I can't afford that.

A car payment would be monetary suicide, so its off the table. And seeing that my car knowledge is reserved for wonders that are VERY non-family oriented, like a '69 Chevelle or a '79 Dodge Charger, you know, like in the 1971 movie The Vanishing Point? And PERFECT for car seats - not to mention the admission test it'll have to pass...
That leads me to have two screens open on my computer (3 if you count this one) where I look at the public sale list on the Greater Cleveland Auto Auction site and the other reserved for google.

Some how I'm going to end up with a mini van and be fairly sad... because it makes sense and its totally the LAST thing I want. Save a hummer3 - those things are just a waste of time, money and gas... if you're going to go military just get an M1 Abrams, it'll make the morning commute very funny :-D

This is on my "To Do" list before we can do anything, it's way at the top sandwiched between "Plant seedlings for garden" and "Pay the freaking water bill before you have an outhouse in your yard all ready!"

I'll admit. I'm scared.
My husband is way easy on the old eye balls, but his car knowledge is equivalent to mine. My hope is that one of the Ford Escapes will become ours... do you think they're desperate enough to give me a 2010 Ford escape for $2,000?

I may actually have a better chance of getting the Abrams... hmm... the auction house IS right by the National Guard... Options!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I'm slightly depressed today. Too little sleep and too much news, but this is one of those times I feel it's important that I take part, pay attention and understand what is happening in Japan.

When I woke up this morning my husband hand then news on. A local woman called in to their "opinion" segment and said we (meaning Americans) shouldn't be helping out, shouldn't be sending over our money to save the Japanese, we have our own problem.

Yes - we are not the Utopian society we have, from time to time, been painted as - but we also are not at a critical level during a nuclear meltdown, nor have we been hit by an earthquake and/or a tsunami. Our schools need help, but not because they'll die from radiation poising... it's over 12 hours since I heard the comment and I'm still very mad.

I hope you are one of those people that have helped in this, or one of the other many tragedies that has happened in the last few years. If more people lent a hand, can you imagine what our world would be like?

More people would smile. Thats for sure.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Shopping, toddlers & Yoga! OH MY!

Today was a good day. I worked. I played. My eye lid is so dry that after putting lotion on it my eye is now watering and I feel as it someone lit me on fire!

This winter is killing my physically, and I know I'm not alone on that one. I have weird skin issues that I can't seem to get in control. I've changed my diet, lotions, cleansers - detergent - and still this persistent patch of ultra dry skin on my right eye lid will NOT heal...

But besides that, life is ok.

I worked, like I said. Taught two classes and had 8 students. 3 newbies and 5 of my favorite people that grace me with their presence once a week. Today was a good teaching day because I get to keep the drop-in. Now, I love the other places I work at (hence I haven't quit) but you should know something my little yogi readers, that fee you pay, most times 80% of that pay (and sometimes more) goes to your favorite studio.

It's understandable. There is heat, blankets, blocks, mats, advertising, electricity, cleaning, and other staff, but on days it's hard. It's hard driving 20 minutes away from your house to find out no one is coming to your class. But that, my friend, is the way of the yoga teacher. Don't think for one second they don't love what they do, they do. And they take that love and bring it to you so you can love what you do too.

But today is one of my fortunate days where I get to keep what you hand me. Yes, I use it to pay for my bills and advertising and mats, etc - but having one day like this helps me be extra grateful because I have an option where I can do that.

As for the moving, organizing, ect. today we found new (& fun) ways to spend/save money. My 2-year-old and my mother escorted me to the lovely West Side Market in good old Cleveland where we bought veggies for cheap and ran around like a crazy man until it was time for a brief lunch at the West Side Market Cafe (fries and fruit - yum). Spent around $10 and have fruit and veggie that will last till Friday, can't beat that can you.

My writing wasn't what I wanted it to be - I blogged on my other site, but just as I brought up my book the little guy woke from his nap and right now is the first moment I've had to sit. I'm actually considering closing good old blogger here so I can get a little writing in... before I remember I have emails to answer...

Oh emails! Which reminds me, I'll know by Friday if I got the job. Did I mention the sweet yoga music job I applied for? I'm asking for good luck, vibes, well wishes and everything else. That job could mean the move will be much easier and funded by something other than garage sales and yoga tips (those will still help)

FINGERS CROSSED! And I'm off to write. It's only been 3 days so my burning watery and one normal eye are still on the prize - L.A. I will live in you yet.


Sunday, March 13, 2011

People... why must they suck?


I'm not sure what to make of it most days. I'm happy, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I think I'm out of my mind. I look at this world around me - all the nouns that are littered here and there - and they seem to be surrounding me, trapping me, over the last few weeks. I see this goal as an opportuinity to get my butt in gear and to lay out my plan to reach the goals that I've been wanting to reach for some time, and then there are the speed bumps...

Yes - ONE DAY!! WOOHOO! And my crazies get the better of me.

It's not that anything changed, it's that my "list" keeps growing and growing. Between the normal cleaning, bill pay, being a mom and a yoga teacher... then adding the writing and others I have human contact with. (some I adore... others = muck)

That's what gets me. People.

When I was a kid I had the "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." idea implanted into my brain, but as an adult I think the soul of that sentence goes a bit further. If you can't say something nice, yes, do in fact keep your mouth shut - to everyone. Don't poke at a situaion you know nothing about and most of all realize this world doesn't revolve around you.

Who is still not understanding that concept?

Concentrating on your own life should never lead you to some delusional idea that everyone else is too. I look at my life like a giant set of instructions "Insert Tab A into Slot B" and then keep moving. Most days I don't even assume people KNOW I exist, not until someone comments on something I've done, written, a class I've taught, etc. In that same vein, I assume people feel the that way about their lives too, which is nice until I'm proven wrong.

Have a little pride in yourself.
Know what you have and were you are is good enough for now for now. Yes, you can keep moving forward to better yourself and finally become the "tomorrow you" that you so deeply desire to be, but it should never be at another persons expense.
Don't like someone? Keep your mouth shut - realize that actions speak louder than words so keep your body in check too.

I wish well to those around myself. I know life isn't a contest and in completely honesty the only person I'm taking to the mat in this 202 day challenge is me - not even my husband or son are invited to this next level of lunacy I have mapped out in my head.

Oh the frustrations of giving a damn about what others think!

I need to work on that. Whats that Dr. Suess quote? "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who don't matter mind."

I need to write, and to write and to write a bit more... Time to tackle that list!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

DAY 1 - Counting down to 202

Life has a funny way of changing plans for you - even though you desperately don't want those plans to change...

As you know, or may know, my husband and I decided to move our family out to California and to take up residence in Los Angeles. Our time line has changed before due to money, jobs... life but we committed ourselves to be out of here (Ohio) by mid-summer, until last night.

Back in 2008, before this quest was realized, we bought a house and back in 2008 President Obama was handing out a nice lump sum of cash to new home owners and we signed up! Yesterday we learned, if you did sign up for the Obama Money (as we call it) we can't sell our house unless we've lived here for 3 years - which would be the end of August 2011 - and now we're stuck here to September.

202 Days is my goal.

Seeing that I have no choice but to stay in Ohio that gives me two choices - I can sit around an wallow in self-pity about how I don't want to be here and haven't for a while -OR- I can set my sights on L.A. among the other goals I have set for myself.

#1 - finishing my book
#2 - writing for a few magazines
#3 - yoga workshops
#4 - help bringing awareness & compassion to animal cruelty (which may tie in with #3)
#5 - ... ... ... ... <- still afraid I'll jinx that one if I say it out loud (it's job related)

So here it is. In the next 202 days I will accomplish all of these things.
Are you with me world? Are you ready to watch this?

I asked last September what the American Dream is, is it dead, I say it's not - MY American Dream is NOT DEAD - it's this. It's getting to L.A. and becoming the Mother/Wife, Writer & Yogini I crave to be.

Day 1 - Today is my husband's birthday. Today I will make sure he has a great birthday (even though he's working right now) - so I'm off to the store.

Hope you enjoy my journey, frustrations, celebrations and everything in between! Probably can't be on here every day, but I'm going to share this with you - this dream - to show you (& me) that the American Dream isn't dead & that even in the middle of all this chaos you can still reach your obtain your dreams and reach your goals.

So what do you say? See you in L.A. by September 30th 2011! I'll be the one smiling uncontrollably standing on the Santa Monica Pier.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Groundhog day

Back in 1993 a little movie was released called, "Groundhog Day." I'm assuming you've seen it or at least heard the concept of the film. A man, Phil Conners (played by Bill Murray), lives the same day on repeat until he gets it right.

I hated this movie when it came out oh so many years ago. I hated everything about it, until I got older, now I love the movie and it has different meanings to me - but at the end of the day what it always comes down to is, "If you had to live on day on repeat, what day would it be?"

I choose today.

Yes, it's early in the day but so far this day has been wonderful. Rainy, gloomy, chilly, but wonderful and one of those days that make you want to have 200 more just the same.

Life is nothing but a collection of moments and memories shoved into a box that is our life - and regardless of what we think - we choose what is kept and what is discarded.

I will keep today.

Today I've smiled since the moment I woke up.
Today my heart feels like it could explode.
Today is perfection wrapped in gray skies and dampness - and I love it.

I really, really do...

Friday, March 4, 2011

I give up

I have to admit, I gave up a long time ago.
I realized that by spending all my time trying to be in the right group with the right people I was suffocating myself and dying a slow agonizing death.
Yes, I'm sure that sounds a bit over dramatic, but sometimes drama is what churns the water and allows us to pass though the stale pool we've been trapped in for so long.
Sitting back and looking at life, at what was, what is and what will be, will make you think - no, it should make you think and realize and embrace who you are at this moment.
Yes, I gave up a long time ago, but I gave up on the cookie cutter life that included a "secure" job with insurance - these are nice things but the reality is there is nothing secure about life anyway so all you're really doing is compromising who you are, inside, to be who you think everyone feels you should be... and having a completely boring time while you're doing it. Or a frustrating one. Or just at terrible one where you morph into someone - or something - that you are not.
Sometimes giving up is just what we need to do...
Sometimes feeling nostalgic isn't the best idea, because sometimes when you decided to try to "reconnect" you are met with more resentment then the one you left - and it treats you like crap because it feels betrayed.

That's fine.
Everyone is entitled to their own emotional distress and chaos - but you have to realize that doing the right thing for you may not have been the right thing for them and those people, the ones from before, may hold a bit of resentment towards you.

So yes, I've given up. I've given up on accepting that everything is my fault, because the honest truth is that everything isn't about me and sometimes the blame falls else where and sometimes the words are just a reflection of the person talking... not you at all.

I've given up on being a shallow callous person that does nothing but gossip.
I've given up on ignoring that I'm unhappy.
I've given up on pretending that I'm something that I'm not and in turn I've learned to kind of like me.

Weird. Crazy. Me.

And she's not that half bad.

“Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.”