Thursday, March 31, 2011

The never ending life of change...

Today I have to figure out how to do everything that I used to do with a child that no longer naps. This may seem like a little bit of nothing, but I can only wish that were true. Getting time on the computer (and not just my phone) is a hard thing any more - which means I'm behind on blogging, writing, and even paying bills! Yes, I'm behind and soon it will become an actual "problem."

But change is the one constant in life, so after this many years you would think rolling with the punches is something I've mastered, but then again - who ever really masters that? There is always some curve ball that takes you off guard and the next thing you know you're shifting things around to make it to the next stop in life - whatever that may be.

My time that used to be filled with meditation, working out, writing and working is now filled with tantrums and conversations that sound like this:

"Bad boys get sent to their room and good boys get to stay here and play with mommy. Are you a bad boy or a good boy?"

"*sniff* *sniff* I'm gooooooddddd....."

"Are you sure? Because you look like you're being a bad boy to me."

"Nooo.... I'm goooooooddddd..... *sniff* *sniff*"

Then we start playing again and I try to not pull my hair out. Then there is my other favorite conversation:

"Oh! Oh! Mama! Where's my bottle?"

"You're a big boy. Big boys don't use bottles. Here's you're sippie cup."

"No bottles?"

"Nope. No bottles."

And then that leads back to the first conversation...

Most days I try to sit here and find something that will allow me to see the bigger picture, because I know this isn't it. This is a moment in time that I'll, soon enough, look back on and laugh - because from even a small distance this is funny. His tantrums are filled with crocodile tears and rolling around on the floor and they end just as fast as they start - but when I'm in the eye of the storm it feels like tomorrow is never going to come and this is just the end of it all.

I look around for "signs" or little bits of wisdom. A quote from someone smarter than me or a comment that catches me off guard - I've done this all my life.

But suddenly things are different.

One of my very favorite people ever has been going through a hard time lately. My heart goes out to them, but there is nothing I can do but listen - so I've been trying my hardest to do just that and give little bits of advice when it seems like to much. This is cathartic to me. It helps me to get perspective on the inane moments in my own life - and yesterday was no exception to the rule.

My friend sent me a text that they broke down, they lost it, they were crying - so I said that it was a good thing. Crying cleanses the soul - because it really does. Then I admitted I spent a good portion of Monday AND Tuesday doing just that - blubbring around my house like a little  baby, crying and crying my eyes out.

My friend asked why and I told them. I told them about my week - my terrible, terrible week (that I'd like to share but this one actually goes waaayyy past appropriate blogging content - for now - maybe with some change I'll be able to share) but in the end I cried a lot.

I told them the whole story - my Monday and my Tuesday. Emails and Phone Calls. Texting and comments that were hurtful and angry and my friend sent me a text that said, "Ok. You win."

The first time I win anything in my entire life and it's a pity party.

The odd thing? I was okay with it because it is what it is. My life IS WHAT IT IS. And I'm fine with that. Yes, it has its moments that suck. Trying to pack, work, tell people and not tell people that I'm moving (out of fear of termination), trying to be a good and decent person, mother, wife and friend, paying bills, working, writing, and all the other parts of like - it is what it is.

Yes - the beginning of this week was terrible - (did I mention that I'm also sick and that I realized I'm allergic to gluten?) - but that doesn't mean my life is terrible. Bad things can happen to anyone - to me, and even to you - and it's not the "thing" that defines us, its how we deal with the "thing" that defines us.

Yes - there are people out there that think I'm mean, selfish, conceited, etc., but you know what? I know who I am and I'm not any of those things. I'm cautious, I'm caring and I have a family that I adore that are more important to me than keeping quiet about things I don't agree with.

For someone who writes a lot you would think I'm capable of speaking my mind but the truth of the matter is that I'm not able to do that - so my life is complicated only by me.

Today I get to figure out how I can do all the things I need to do with a toddler that no longer wants to nap and a mouth that no longer wants to be quiet.

But I'll figure it out because I always do, because I can and because sitting around idly by and being someone I'm not because dealing with confrontation is not what I like - those days are over.

I'll take the tantrums and Finding Nemo
And tomorrow I'll laugh at this
and smile.

Hey - maybe I did win. How's about that?

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