Thursday, April 28, 2011

Yes, it's THAT day!

This morning I thought, "Hey, I haven't blogged in a long while! I really should get on that!" Since then I've thought up of fun things to talk about, a story here, some whimsy there - and now my son is bored (and its cold) and my nerves are fried (and it's not even noon) and all I can think is, "Keep breathing! Keep breathing!! You can do this! BREATH PAST HIS CRAZY!"

Yes. Motherhood. On days its like ramming your head into the wall over and over and over just because!

And then he kisses me and I'm all jelly and its okay - granted - that part hasn't HAPPENED just yet.

If I make it to 1p without pulling my hair out... that will be a beautiful, beautiful thing... 

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Hush, hush

Too many thoughts any more. My head is swimming and I feel the revolution erupting just behind my ears. It's a faint noise that sounds like my voice, it's nagging, and nagging, and nagging at me about this and that - a few other things I care to ignore... it's the first shot fired that pulls my attention, and I focus on the chaos within.

You, the whole you inside and out - physical and mental - vanity versus spirituality - they are you and you are in control of them... until you are not. Until the revolution and chaos ensues.

My mind rattles on and on pecking at the other side of me and I sit divide submerged in the noise of my over stimulated mind attempting to make sense of too many things all at once. Yes - I am out of control... I am simply and earnestly lost.

There are moments when I look around to find myself not alone, I feel like I've woken from some fog, unable to explain how I've arrived. The numbers, situation, worry, scenarios, life - the loud and utterly confused disarray pushes me to realize the very truth is that I AM OUT OF CONTROL!

How can one be in control when they can not control themselves? When they are unable to be decisive in the easiest of situations? How can one be in control when their focus is so scattered, jumping from one thought to the next like a bee to pollen in sweltering heat?

This too is simple - you can't be. Nothing can or will be accomplished while the revolution is in full swing. Nothing of value.

The thoughts drive me mad as the rational side of my brain coos me to subdue.
"Hush there. Hush, hush, hush... it will all be just fine. It will be just fine..."

A cloak of calm helps me relinquish to the rational idea that the voices are only mine, wired on caffeine and set on repeat... "hush, hush little one. you are safe. you are fine..."

Yes. Hush, hush... mmm... finally then I can dream.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The bake sale to END ALL BAKE SALES!

OK - so I'm laying in bed last night and I started to brain storm on my female issues and the denial of services from Medical Mutual. Wait, let me rephrase, I'm more than welcome to have the services, but it'll cost me $1780 (with 1/2 up front). Seeing that Medical Mutual probably won't be willing to change their mind, I've decided to raise the money myself.

These are my current ideas:

Bake Sale! It's an American Staple, like apple pie (which you'll be able to buy), burgers (which you won't be able to buy) and lemonade (which you MAY be able to buy, if I can find organic lemons in time.
I'll sell things like cookies and brownies and nut logs! That would be 4 cookies for $1 so I'd need to make 7120 cookies, 324 Pies, 2374 Brownies... 890 cups of lemonade...

Karaoke Night! A night of singing and beer! All the proceeds will be donated to the Hospital. Beers are what $3-4 a piece. If they give me 20% of sales thats like... 594 beers for 1/2 of the money...

Do you have any ideas?
I'm kinda favoring the bake sale... how much would you price the nut log at? $500? Too much? sigh....

Monday, April 18, 2011

You can be honest, I know this font makes my butt look big...

Well I've decided to get off my high horse today. I woke up after having a slew of really odd dreams - one including Hank Moody (not David Duchovny) and the other involving a very pregnant Alyssa Milano. There was something chancing us... which means (not because of the faux celebrity sightings) that I'm stressed - again. But we all knew that didn't we.

I spent an hour last night imaging what the inside of my uterus looked like with the IUD just THERE and tried to figure out how I would remove myself (yeah - that's sane) and then starting the equally sane portion of my day where I begged god that it would fall out.

The little buggers in there. It ain't movin' from no where! Like cement in the womb of life! AGGRRHHH!

So, I really didn't need to be chased in my dreams by creepy thing dressed in grays and black with pitchforks to know I'm stressed. But then it happened - I was sitting on the couch and looking at my son's bald head (the clippers where a wee tad too low) and I just can't be this angry person. It's messing me up physically.

I don't want that - none of that is going to help me remove the thing. So I made myself promise today would be a great day. Today would be the day that changed my life.

Today I will be productive, and I have been. I've been playing with my son, I've send my emails and a few others I didn't have on my list. I updated websites (plural), talked to some friends (both here and in the twitter-verse). I ate my fruit salad, washed my face, planned out two of my classes, moved playlists over to my ipod and now I'm on here.

I'm also contemplating buying these so I can bury them in my yard and make my son go on a treasure hunt with me.

Right now it needs to stop raining so I can go up and down my street and hand out fliers for my classes and walk the child. He needs a good walking - these past few days of watery doom have made him Sir Crabby Pants. Well, actually, It's made him Sir Who Needs Pants??

This current moment is also being filled with looking at dresses - like this one - reading things that annoy me - like this (which may not seem like much, but in my opinion, it's lying. Not a fan of liars.)  - and eating fruit salad, which I like to do daily!

But now my blogging time has come to an end. My son has decided he wants to be downstairs and my computer is up and there are too many things he can get into when I'm out of view.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

I'm still angry, but trying to be helpful at the same time!

I've spent the last few days angry. I'm sure this is evident due to the last post and let me tell you, not much has changed. I now have this gigantic question mark floating above my head because I, honestly, do not know how to fix this situation. How can I have my IUD removed if I can't afford to do so - and god knows Medical Mutual will not be changing their minds and suddenly give me a hand.

No hands outs.

Hand outs are for people who don't need them. Once again - I love my life - I'm just not nuts about this situation. I'm not happy that I'm being forced to do things that I don't want. No one wants to be forced to do things they don't want.

So I'm stewing, which is ever so productive.

There is some good in this, because it has shown me a certain amount of truth. This situation is one I shouldn't have gotten myself into - it is my fault for not researching the in's and out's of my insurance company prior to having the IUD inserted. I'm old enough to to know and to understand that insurances companies only care about money - just like HMOs and PPOs and hospitals in general only care about it too.

We lost the essence of what medicine should be long before I was born.  Pharmaceutic companies hand out "beans" to who ever wants them. Praising them to be a miracle cure, but the truth is we need to go deeper. Yes, my one issues is the IUD, but the big issues with this country - the problems that we're facing like diabetes, obesity, and skin issues (just to name a few) all go back to food.

The number of people who tell me they want to lose weight but do so over a super sized processed meat plate with over cooked vegetables - well, its a bit much.

If you want to loose weight I'll tell you how. It's simple. #1 - don't diet. Because dieting implies one day you will stop. It's like "dating" one day you stop dating, in the end you have a partner or you don't - but in the end you stop. If you want to live healthy and lose weight you need to CHANGE how and what you eat.

In this day and age we hear terms like GMOs (genetically modified organism) and organic versus not. Some, including me for a long time, would hear the organic thing and get all, "Just be happy you have food!" but then I started doing research. The truth is simple. (most truths are) the pesticides we (the US) use to keep bugs off our crops is a watered down version of nerve gas used in war. Yes, nerve gas.
In the military our soldiers are purposefully exposed to these nerve toxins, because our bodies can build an immunity to them. This way when they enter the battle field, if they are gassed they have a better chance of not being affected.

Seeing that we are using the same sort of toxins on our food and that the animals and bugs are also living organisms - they too adapt. This means we have to adjust, and readjust what we're spraying with. Over time a product called Round-Up (which we should all know because you can get it anywhere) has been used to kill the critters killing our food. But then it started to kill the food. It's a weed killer - all weeds, including things we don't call weeds, are planted based and this stuff will kill them.

Enter GMO.

The food has be altered to be resistant to the pesticides so they don't die. And this just makes it easier because no not only do we spray - but in essence our food is the pesticide. Bugs that can out live the spray will die from trying to consume the food. This is what we're eating. This is not healthy.

If you live around here in the Clev - you can check out a place called "Basketeria" which is part of the Westside market. They sell local and organic produce that you can pre-order and pick up on Saturdays. It's cheaper than going to the grocery store and you know what you're getting yourself into.

Now that you have these fresh fruits and delicious veggies - now what? Back off on cooking things. Not every meal needs to be cook. Make 80% if not higher of your diet raw. And get creative. No one whats a salad 7 days a week. It gets old and tiresome, but if you look up RAW recipes, that's what they are. Super cool salads arranged to look like things you know. And there is a diversity to it. This one is a big winner in my house - Raw Spicy Thai Spring Rolls - And if you sit at a desk these are great for lunch because you don't have to use a fork - just your hands and a napkin.

Food is always a big factor to losing weight. Don't eat for 3 hours before you go to bed. Back off on refined sugars and stop telling yourself its a "treat" or a "prize" to eat processed foods. You may as well start thinking it's a treat to get a hammer in the face. Over time it would hurt less.

Back off of milk. Because milk is really, really gross. It's filled with puss. This is due to how they treat the animals. I'm a huge fan of not hurting animals - but you need to look at the facts. The dairy cows are never let off the milking pumps. They are filled with antibiotics to stop infection and repeatedly impregnated to keep them lactating.The end produce is puss filled milk that is later pasteurized and deemed "OK" to consume - but the truth is now you're drinking dead puss. Puss is puss. it's gross.

Understand if you DO eat meat - that your portion size is the size of your palm. Meat is the side dish - veggies and fruits are the main dish.

The exercise. At least 3 days a week for an 1 at a time. And make it a cardio weight mix. Lift weights AND raise your heart rate. Go for a long walk and get your heart pumping, you don't want to run - fine - but walk fast. Find a place that does Vinyasa Yoga - and DON'T think "I've never done yoga before, I'm SO gonna do Ashtanga" That's like saying "I've never climbed a mountain - so gonna get to the top of Everest by Tomorrow!!" Start slow - but start!

And remember to get 6-8 hours of sleep and drink 32oz of water a day. Not beer. Not coffee. Not juice, tea, or soda (diet is bad too) and no of this mineral vitamin water - just WATER. Buy a purifying pitcher and fill it up and drink from that. Don't go out and get bottled water. Just drink what's here.

And that is how you'll lose weight. If you realize that food is not your "best friend" and it's not here to make you feel better. It's just the gas for our body - eat until you're NOT HUNGRY, never eat till you're full. NEVER.

And let me know, in a month, how you feel.

I'm off. I need fruit and water and a hug from my baby boy... you have a good one and don't let the jerks get you down!

Friday, April 15, 2011

I'm tired of this - get out the pitch forks and torches and lets DO THIS!

Today is my Saturday. I've recently adjusted my work schedule so that each Friday I get to spend a WHOLE day with my son. This day, this special day, is one reason that I'm happy I work for myself.

But working for yourself isn't all sunshine, rainbows and special Fridays - no - its a hard life to choose. First you have to be your own boss, you have to look yourself in the face and tell you to suck it up and get your butt to work on days you wish you could just "skip it". Mental health day? Shopping Therapy?

These things don't exist in my life.

My vacations are filled with more work days and my late nights are just that - late. Because while I do only "work" 6.5 hours a week - those are the times I'm on the mat teaching my students yoga asanas. This is not including the hours of marketing, blogging, hanging fliers, making contacts, practicing, meeting more people, tweeting, facebooking - and at the end of the day I smile because I may have worked 10 hours a day 6 days a week and it's all for me and for my family.

It's for those special Fridays.

But there really is more of a down side. Our economy sucks. It's not a polite way to say it - but what is there to be polite about? Right now I'm so underwhelmed by this country. I'm tired of hearing, year after year - because it's been over a decade since I've seen an America I can stand - about how it's going to get better. When? When is it going to get better?

The economy is in the toilet and yes, I know there are those who like to blame Obama, but Bush had a hell of a lot to do with this. Our men and woman are dying over seas and soon they'll be doing it for free - good job there government. And soon women won't be able to have the medical care they need because Planned Parenthood isn't important. Just like Public Radio and all the other social programs in this country.

Privatizing medicare and medicade - you know because that's going to solve the problem.

It's like how when Jacobs Field (aka Progressive Field <-privatizing) was built. You know who paid for that field? Smokers. There was a special tax put on cigarettes and tobacco products to fund the building of the Baseball Stadium and you know what isn't allowed at the stadium? Smoking. Even back in 1995 - when you could light up almost everywhere, only smoking in designated areas and in those areas you couldn't see the game.

No - I'm not advocating the return of public smoking. My son has asthma and I'm an ex-smoker who understands that smoking is UN-healthy - but in America we just say it's bad. In our movies bad guys smoke. In porn cheaters smoke after sex. Subliminal messaging is everywhere. Smoking is immoral. The end.

And then there is all the other B.S. that is oozing out the pores of this country.

You are free to do what you want! Be WHO you want! SUCCEED HOW you want! But first - jump through these hoops.

#1 - If you don't have money you're certainly not important enough to have medical coverage. Example: Two years ago I had an IUD put in because I have my son and he is all I want - it was a done deal. I now want the IUD removed. Why? Because I do. I'm in a fake menopause at 35 - I don't want to be like this and I don't like feeling like this. But the issue is that my old doctor cut the strings kinda short and my new doctor can't find them so I need to have a special procedure to have it removed - one my insurance won't cover - one that costs $1780. $1780 and half of that needs to be up front - that's $890.

Last year as a yoga instructor I made just over $1000.

So now I have this thing inside of me that I can't have removed because I have crap insurance. Yes Medical Mutual - you are crap insurance and you know what's worse? Because I have your crap insurance I can't get help from anyone else out there. That's right! If you have terrible insurance that is like not having insurance you would be better to have NO insurance because at least then you may be able to get government money to help you.

For now. You know, until I'm expected to fix the deficit then there won't be any money left for me at all!

#2 - If you don't have a job, and you haven't for a while, no one will touch you because you're so out of the loop. Great! So I'm laid off because the economy sucks and can't find a job and my benefits have run out - OR I don't even get any because the company I worked for went under and never paid to unemployment.


So you aren't making money and you can't afford to pay the bills so you lose your house and move back in with your parents - at 35 - that's like Christmas EVERY WEEKEND. But what else can you do? There is nothing left to do but the same old same - pay off what you can on your credit cards and stop paying everything then declare bankruptcy because there is no where left to go.

Thank you America for that exit strategy.

But you know what? At the end of the day what does it matter? We're all going to die - and fast than most other countries. With how poorly we eat, crappy our medical care is (if you can get any) and how us - the SUPER POWER of SUPER POWERS has some of the worse test scores IN THE WORLD in education. What does it matter?

We're just pumping out sick morons who will do nothing but sit on our asses and collect unemployment - you know, until the government needs to fix that to.

Growing up in this country I was raise by baby boomers. Day after day, year after year I had the ethics of WWII handed to me - how wonderful we are - how special we are - but the truth is that we just suppress our people in a more subtle way. We use television, fast food and taxes to bleed people dry.

We're a democracy, it should be simple. Our country is a "Family."
At the top is the Grand Parents who have been at this for a long time (President and 1st Lady) their kids (the House and Senate) get together to make sure we (the grandkids) are taken care of - but on the way to the family meeting most of the Aunts and Uncles decided what they wanted is more important and no one wants to talk about it unless its in circles and nothing ever gets solved. And after hours and hours and hours of listening to crazy Uncle Howard tell us his loony ideas that involve tin foil hats and ball point pens we conceded to shut him up or we have no choice because there is a frame set up.

And I know - we have those 2nd Cousins (judicial ) that are there to make sure things are copacetic - but they just do what Crazy Uncle Howard says to because he slipped them a five spot.

That's not a family - at least not the Partridge sort, more like the Gotti sort.

It should be simple. You need help, you GET help.
You want an education, you get a GREAT education.
You want to eat, YOU GET FOOD.

But all this money bullshit just ruins it all.

It's paper - which is OBVIOUSLY more important than my ovaries. And I already know its more important than my child's health and more important than beating the illiteracy issues in this country, poverty, starvation.
Just make sure your pockets are line.
Lie through your teeth.
Make impossible promises.
And in the end I don't really need a functioning uterus anyway - you would know - because you're god.

Hey, maybe you can have child labor laws lifted. Then you can just kill us all faster!

I'm so tired of the excuses and people telling me it's more difficult that this - no its not. It's simple. We fight wars because of money. We sell out our citizens for money. We are greedy and we are selfish and we don't care about the person next to us.

If for one moment we even vaguely ATTEMPTED to practice compassion this country would be such a different place, but we won't because "life is a contest". Is it? Anyone want to tell me what you win in the end?

Last time I check it was always the same.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011


to all the people who come to my site looking for porn... seriously! You're on the internet! Porn is the skeletal system of the interweb of the world.

In other news... remember that time Courtney Cox was on Family Ties?  Good times.

But it the end it's all very simple - you may have come here looking for "ordinary girl sexing it up after work in an office" or maybe you did know about the old Cox-ster and the Family Ties - but please take this with you. Life is short and if you spend all your time making excuses, you won't accomplish a time. Just like if you spend all your time trying to find what you should be doing - unless you wanted to be a "seeker" you are probably missing the bigger picture.

Life is short, live it up and later - sleep. Like me!!

Finally, before you go to bed tonight - make a wish. Say it three times - hell say it until you believe it. And then dream.


Monday, April 11, 2011

Hello Monday - I'm here to kick your butt!

Welcome to Monday! Yes, today is my first day "back" at work (which means I teach a couple classes tonight, because lets be honest, I worked my entire vacation.) But hey! I'm back!!

I intended to write last night but let the world get a hold of me - I did write - just not as much as I would have like, so I'm on the old computer, putting away some demons (like this) so my excuse wagon is empty. Which would be a great thing, but you know me! I'M THE QUEEN OF EXCUSES!

I had an idea for a four weekend workshop that I may do in July (or maybe 5) - a women's workshop designed to help bring awareness to the body and the breath. Using poses, chakras, meditation, diet and community of women together as one to help give women the confidence I felt on Friday.

What do you think? Sound like a good idea?

I outlined a bit of it last night but there is more I need to do before I can even really call it a workshop. Books, diet cleanse, asana, music, a location, a name...

So instead of getting overwhelmed with all of that this very second, I'm going to just say this - I looked at places again last night and my heart is still set on Sherman Oaks... And then today I looked around here and I just feel that if I keep working like this, soon, we will be there. Soon, we will have that dream.

That said, I'm off to write, even though my brain is now swimming in logistics of my workshop idea and that gnawing voice in the back of my head that is telling me I must wrangle my phone from my son so I can make a few important phone calls... How can it all ready be 11:15?


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Hello world! IT'S ARYN!

I had many adventures today. Many in this past week to be very honest!

First, I had the chance to get nice and caught up on my very favorite Showtimes shows I no longer get to see since I cancelled Showtime..

Second, I had my ass kicked by a toddler. FUN!

Third, I went to a women's empowerment workshop - and to be frank I didn't realize that's what it was until I got and I have to say it was very cool!

And then today I woke up and said "HELLO WORLD!!" as I strapped my chuck taylors on, packed up the kid and made my way into the wild, wild world! I've bought healthy, organic and vegan foods! I have made fliers and passed out a slew! I have been down slides (one of them several times!) and I have swung on swings! I. AM. TIRED!

Today I spent my day with my son.
Now, I know I'm with my boy a lot - but today was extra cool. I have this awesome image in my head as we swung back and forth - him in my lap looking up at me, laying on me... it was perfect.

I feel bad, because my vacation went from the idea of a relaxing time to be organizing a 5 day event to raise money for Animals, and I only have myself to hold accountable. I don't want to say blame, because I feel the event is a good thing - but my week off wasn't a vacation - not in the traditional sense at least.

I've learn a lot about myself this week. What I'm willing to do, the things I'm willing to give up to get to the things I want to do - and then the workshop just kind of drove it all home. You see, I spend a lot of time telling myself I suck. I'm not pretty enough, I'm sure as hell not SMART enough, I'm a terrible writer, mother, and wife - hell - being my friend is actually a burden more than anything... On top of that, as punishment because I do suck so much, I don't speak my mind because I deserve to be treated poorly. And I deserve to let people walk all over me or tell me my views are wrong, because, inherently, I'm bad.

Yes. I spend time on here telling you how I need to find time to write more, but the truth is when I find the time I spend it telling myself how no ones going to care about my stupid book - so then I don't write, because whats the point.

And now - her is the new me.

Do you know why I write? Because I love to write. I'm good at it.
Do you know why people will read my book? Because it's a great story.
Do you know why I'm a yoga teacher? Because I was born to be one and I believe I was in my last life too. I've ALWAYS believed in past lives, since as long as I have a memory.

I come on here to lie to you.
I live my life to lie to me.

I lie to everyone, because when I'm not honest about who I am, I'm a liar.

And I'm done.

I'm not sure of the moment I decided I wasn't worthy of being alive, but I can tell you this is the moment I say I AM worthy and thats WHY I'm alive.

Whatever your faith may be - believe in yourself.

Go out - hand out flyers, paint a master piece, write a sonnet or a rock oprea - what ever it is you've always wanted to do but then list 10,000 excuses as to why you can't - GET OFF YOUR COUCH AND GO DO IT!

You deserve it.

You're worth it.

And so am I..

I need pancakes now, gluten free or not, I will eat them all!

Monday, April 4, 2011

great writing

It's been mere hours since I've been here - at least that's how it feels seeing that two months ago blogging twice a month seemed painful. Yes, I have other obligations and today is no different. A meeting this morning and a evening out lined up with an old friend, my limited time is filled with other things leaving me almost no time to do what I need to do.

You know what? That's a lie. I need to eat, I need to brush my teeth, and I need to sleep - I don't need to do some of the things I do, but I do them just the same.

I don't need to watch TV, but I sat on my butt last night watching the last season of Secret Diary of a Call Girl and why? Because of free Showtime. I like to look at it like a gift from the vacation gods. And now that I've seen the entire season I can be productive again... maybe.

Regardless, I now have another problem.
Have you ever had one of those weeks where someone from your past keeps popping up? This keeps happening to me. A person I haven't seen in ages and probably haven't thought of in debts even longer - but there it is. Odd little nagging signs dancing around me - even to the point I heard a song we used to laugh about today, the songs from the late 1930's, not something that just pops up on the old radio... yet there it was.

I would ask you what you think, but the truth is I'm not going to touch this. I had very solid reasons for ending the friendship and don't feel that could have changed. It's the old story about a person who is good at heart but you are like oil and water - you just don't mix - you com-bust....
I think the reason its standing out so much is because a student lent me a book he was reading about coincidence and it's riddled with situations just like this one. Nagging feeling, odd moments - really old songs playing at Starbucks...

Our lives, our time on this planet is very limited and the older I get the more I look around and question things. I see the boundaries that were set for me, some by me, and I have problems with the stagnate little cube that is surrounding me. I believe in magic more now than I did when I was a child - infinitely more. I believe that there is more and we can do more if only we open ourselves up to the possibilities that we can't and don't know all that there is to know.

So the little markers that are lining my path irk me and a part of me wonders if it's something I should examine... this makes it even harder to ignore. What if they need me... well I guess they would call now wouldn't they? HA!

At the end of the day - as I sit here and stare at this screen, which I do almost every single day of my life, it comes down to a few things. I need to eat (like I said) and I need to take care of my son, and I need to write or I'll shrivel up and die - but I also need to accept that even though I may have become emotionally attached to someone - walking away, and staying away, is for the best.

Plus it give me something to write about when I don't really feel like discuss the packing and planning and all the terrible emotions that are surging through my brain and chest most days... yes... memories. They make you who you are, they hold you back from who you can be and they make for great writing...

they really, really do...

Sunday, April 3, 2011

VENT! VENT! VENT! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!

I'd like to say that I'm having a moment, but most days I feel like that's all I'm ever having. One moment after the next, and they're all confusing and cluttered and making me even more uncertain that the moment before.

Last night I talked myself to sleep thinking about all the things I wish I was blogging instead of dwelling on, but getting up and out of bed to come to the computer was even harder than stopping my mind. The endless drivel that made me grow even sadder as my day came to a close.

Fix it.

I think that all the time. If I just sit down for 5 minutes and "fix" the problem I wouldn't feel like all I'm really doing is exacerbating an issues - on repeat - but I'm not sure where to even start. I say thing same things over and over and over, but nothing ever changes and I feel lost.

At the end of the day (outside of my family) it comes down to two thing - writing and yoga; yoga and writing. They are my two loves - my two greatest loves, I should say. They are the two things that define me as a person and I feel like I neglect them more and more each day. Even right now I'm avoiding things to simply write this and I'm writing this now because later, during my Sunday alone time fix, I have to write a post for my other blog, prep for a meeting tomorrow at 9:30a and figure out my week in general.

Just write.

I just want to write my heart out - there are so many stories boxed up in there and when I do sit down, doubt begins to sneak its way into my every though and then I'm not sure that it's worth it... Right now I'm having a moment of clarity  and in this moment I know I need to get over myself, trust myself, have faith in myself and persevere - but when my son is sick and the bills are late and the phone is ringing and the emails are piling up and I have to teach, and I have to do this, that and every other thing known to man because evidently I'M the ONLY person who can...

Ironically, I'm on vacation.

I can't remember the last time I had a vacation where I had a chance to relax... what was it, 2009? Before that perhaps?

It has gotten to the point I just feel like a used up mess, and yes, there are days that aren't as tainted and dreary as this moment - other moments when I'm all smiles and sunshine - but the truth is I think about this 10+ times a day and its always the same. "When is it time that I'm allowed to write?"

When am I allowed to be me?

I never feel like I can just BE me. My voice is so silent any more, which is a terrible thing to happen to a writer - no voice - no art. All I am is a machine that washes clothing, dishes, toilets and tubs - makes dinner, breakfasts and lunches. All I am is a robot servant at best and I grow even sadder as I write it out on this screen, because it feels so true.

This, my friends, is the worse feeling ever. Worthless. Hopeless. Wasted. Stupid.

and even a little bit pathetic because instead of getting up off my arse and doing something about it - I'm unloading on you. (thank you for that)

UGH!!!! OK - it's time to face the music and deal with the crap that is the life I build around me. If I want to write and be the yogi I want to be I need to write and read more. I need to take classes and learn so I can teach.

Most of all I need to stop with the excuses, lying to myself, ignoring my gut and get to getting. All prayers are welcome!

must stop hiding behind excuses
must just be me
writer, yogi, aryn

Saturday, April 2, 2011