Monday, May 30, 2011

AND!!!

I'm done.
Starting the outline for the 2nd book as I wait for my super special 2nd set of eyes to look over all the little nuances I'm sure I missed & then - THE EDIT! Woohoo!

Dancing in my living room!!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Time to get to getting!

In the book of Matthew (yes - that book) in chapter 6, verse 24, it states "No one can server two masters." (and then it goes on to talk about separation between god and money... hmm... I wonder if the church has read this passage...?? ANYWAY!)

It has now been a week since the 2nd attempt at the rapture (see Rapture 1994 for the 1st missed attempt) and I've decided to sit here and quote the bible, mostly because I remember hearing the same quote from Mark Twain. (on polygamy)

But in the end, I've decided this applies to my life. It's a battle I've struggled with for a long time. I, like many, try to do too much and end up spreading my efforts so thin I can't do anything. I've made my choice and that choice is writing.

This doesn't mean you'll see more of me on here - it just means all that spare time I've been dedicating to other things will now be switched over to writing. Finishing and editing the first and then starting the second book.

The time has come to stop trying to be a thousand things I'm kinda good at.
The time has come for all of us to make a choice. We live in a time when we have very little. It's become the standard to file for bankruptcy. The economy sucks and we don't have a WWII on the horizon to pull us from the brink - so hey - may as well do what we love.

I may as well do what I love.

So this is me announcing my book - The Hope Saints.
It will be finished this weekend and while my lovely cousin does me the honor of pointing out holes and flaws I'm staring to work on the second outline and marketing for everything.

I've been writing since I was 7.

Time to stand at the plate and hit this one into the bleachers...

Time to write!!

-A

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Silence - the thief

Silence is the deadly killer of a blogger or any writer.
Stop writing and people forget you exist...
You fade into the background and disappear into the drapes.
So write!
Write like the Dickens
Write every $1.50 word you know and weave them around an intricate plot
Be cleaver and kind and cleaver some more
Don't take it personal
anything
Just don't, keep your eye on the prize and push on

Silence is a comfortable companion when fear knocks too loud
But that is all he wants
He wants you to befriend such a deadly maiden
To invite her in, on your own, then you can not blame him
He was simply seeing how you were
Asking to borrow some sugar
One cube
maybe two

But you peeked at his eerie appearance
assumed the worse
and stopped

Because if you just stop it won't hurt as bad...

No, it hurts worse - because time interjects
Dragging you down the rapids into a depth you knew you would reach
but somehow not that quickly.
But that's what silence does
She wraps you in a little pod that distorts your perception of the world
Minutes are really weeks, days are years

When you finally release her
Face that balding creep of a man that is fear
You realize the time will do her thing with no mind of you at all

And there you have it

Fear pushed you to silence
And silence took your voice
and voice that is here to be heard

so...
sing me a song
and know it matters...
because
it does

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Letting go to live

This week has been been long and arduous. I've spent a lot of time thinking about all the things that limit me, which is limiting in itself, and that is the problem. Sitting around doing nothing be concentrating on every negative moment in life will only depress and in the end, kill you.

It only removes the momentum of your fight to look at the list of defeats.

There are so many things in this world that are just terrible. And I can't say I know how to make them all just vanish, but I can say that by looking at what is good and just it will help you realize that life is worth living. I understand some are content with stopped at the tough spots - and that is fine - but it's not me and every once in a while I forget this.

One of my students really schooled me on this subject the other day. I told him how I forget and he said, "that means you haven't learned it yet." And then he apologized... Which he shouldn't have because because it's true - if you have to remind yourself something than you haven't learned it yet.

If I have to remind myself that it will all be fine and life works itself out just how it wants to, that means I haven't learned/accepted the fact that life is what it is. I can fight it, but what's the point? All fighting it does is cause me pain and anger. I lose sleep, I fight with my loved ones and I feel helpless. Then, in the end, I let go and things go away.

My last post, there was a comment (but it's no longer there. I assume the writer came back and deleted it and I'm not sure why). Their comment said they had never thought of life as a box - and that's all I see when I look at the limitations I enforce on myself. A tall stack of colorful boxes, many shapes and sizes that I pull out from time to time - force myself into and then become a miserable pile of me.

These moments of my life you can see on here as clear as day. They are my very best blog posts filled with angst, anger and lots of foul words used to personify my personal hell.

I know I'm not the only one who has the self deprecating behavior. I know I'm not the only person that hurts themselves, because at some point we decided we don't deserve to be happy, but that's not the truth. The truth is we're all human, and humans mess up. Yes, in the land of fiction it's easy to paint one person bad and the other good - but in reality it's all perception and humans are weak and we make mistakes. But when we go into the room of colorful metaphors, crawl inside and commence bitching about nothing that we ever feel we should fix - that's the real issues, because it solves nothing.

It solves nothing when all you want to do is complain about what's wrong.
It solves nothing to crawl inside a box and put limitations on your life.
Nothing.

Like I said, it's been a long week. A week that allowed to define me and the definition is simple - I'm scared. I'm scared of the sames things you are - I'm scared that if I let go I'll disappear, I'll fail, I'll die before I'm dead.

How very Fall of the House of Usher....

From here on out I'm done. I'm going to do the scary thing and let go. Accept my life is what it is and I'm going to do what I must to get to the next level - which would be L.A., publication and surfing :)

My mom & grandmom, always said, "Let go and let God." In yoga we say Ishvara Paranidhana - which means pretty much the same thing, "Surrender to an higher power."  This is a universal concept, so why is it so hard to accept? Simple, because we're all a bunch of control freaks. (yes. I. am.)

Now I'm off. It rained all night so I'm not sure when I'll be able to get into the garden without it being swamp like, but I can transplant some of my seedlings and do the rest tomorrow. That IS what Sunday is for!

I hope you have a great weekend - and every time you think about locking yourself inside a metaphor, stop and just let go. The only person you're hurting is yourself, trust me, I thrive on it.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

the end

Why?
Why ever say how you feel, in the end it doesn't matter.
What matters is how everyone else feels.
Be sure to crawl into a predetermined box and pull the lid closed tightly
The air won't last long, but the visions you'll see at the end will be grand
Understand whatever happens - its probably your fault
Yes!
That's the ticket!
Close your eyes tightly now, and while your at it, plug your nose, close your mouth and stick fingers firmly into each ear - good job. (Humming is optional)
See, that wasn't hard!
But here's the tricky part - the brain.
That little bastard will try to tell you things - perhaps show you things
Feeling, events, emotions, who knows what else!
These are to be ignored.
Remember, the box isn't roomy - too much in there will suck the air out faster
And we have to make that last!
Long and grueling
Ah... splendid!
And you have it!

The stupidest way to ever live your life.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Vegetarian week, yoga, moving, life, life, life - it never stops.

I'm listening to my son sing a phonics song. The voice says "R-R-Ring" and he says, "M-M-Mom" regardless. I have to say, my son makes me feel like a celebrity on days! lol.

I've spent the last few months working on organizing 5 days of event in my little home town of Lakewood to help promote vegetarian and vegan lifestyles. Excited and tired - it's only a few weeks away now and I feel there is more to be done but I'm pretty sure I'm over reacting, like I do so well. Life works out so I'm attempting to practice letting go and just letting things be.
It's a hard lesson, but I know I need to do this because I'm tired of driving myself crazy.
It sucks.
Plus it's hard to find time to be twenty shades of crazy any more. Who has the time? Between VegWeek, yoga, family, writing, and a social life I'm happy to have time to sleep and eat - because I like to eat.

Everyday is a new adventure of working on the house, packing another box, checking the bank to make sure we're actually saving and not spending too much... Yesterday I spent over 6 hours outside weeding, digging, cleaning and trying to get the yard to looks like something other than a pile of crap, and then I taught two classes back to back. I'm a wee tad sore today, but it's a good sore, just like last night was good sleep.

I was sad that I didn't get to write, but I was so wiped out writing wasn't really on the agenda. After work I came home, ate, hung out with my husband for close to 30 whole minutes and passed out. I didn't even read - which is way weird for me these days. I read the last two books of the Hunger Game's series, Sit Down and Shut up, and I'm working on one of the Ranger Apprentice series books... I read 5 pages and couldn't concentrate any more. So the idea of writing was not an option.

Later I'll work on it, but first it's early so I need to get things in order - organizing the day of handing out fliers, more yard work, and who knows - but I'll tell you this. It's worth it.

at least I think so

Thursday, May 5, 2011

you

Theres no time like the present, right? Sit around for years waiting for the right moment, knowing it will never come. Honestly, it's about standing up and just going for it, but that's hard - all those stupid voices in your head messing with you.

In the end you have to be willing to just set all the crap aside and move forward with what you want in your life. You have to accept that this may (and will) piss off people and push some from your life. But what really matters is that you are you.

The only person we can be is ourself, but that's easy to forget the moment we get married and have kids. We begin to do the "they won't survive" game. But the truth is that, chance are, most will survive without us. It's sucky, but its truth.

That said, our excuses are a bit weak at the end of the day. So all you can do is be you.

just you.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

To an amazing night, filled with happiness and apple crisp!

There is a terrible amount of pressure we put on ourselves as writers. There is a terrible amount of pressure we put on ourselves as humans.

In general we sit around and screw with our own heads. Fun, ain't it?

Ah life! How we get so overly involved we forget to look both ways and walk into traffic, at rush hour. That's seriously bad stuff!

As I've previously stated, I'm a tad over the whole put myself down crap and have been living on this larger than life fan my ego stream of sunshine. It's much nicer than throwing myself into traffic. Some may find it annoying but over all, can't say I care. I get more done this way and that is extra nice!

So here I am. Typing away. Watching a little BSG while I finish up some work and then in a wee bit of time I shall be ignoring the internet and everything else. Oh how I love writing. The longer I think about it the more I realize I get butterflies in my belly when I realize I will be alone with my words. Almost like a stolen kiss and just as yummy.

I'm off! May you have an amazing night!