This week has been been long and arduous. I've spent a lot of time thinking about all the things that limit me, which is limiting in itself, and that is the problem. Sitting around doing nothing be concentrating on every negative moment in life will only depress and in the end, kill you.
It only removes the momentum of your fight to look at the list of defeats.
There are so many things in this world that are just terrible. And I can't say I know how to make them all just vanish, but I can say that by looking at what is good and just it will help you realize that life is worth living. I understand some are content with stopped at the tough spots - and that is fine - but it's not me and every once in a while I forget this.
One of my students really schooled me on this subject the other day. I told him how I forget and he said, "that means you haven't learned it yet." And then he apologized... Which he shouldn't have because because it's true - if you have to remind yourself something than you haven't learned it yet.
If I have to remind myself that it will all be fine and life works itself out just how it wants to, that means I haven't learned/accepted the fact that life is what it is. I can fight it, but what's the point? All fighting it does is cause me pain and anger. I lose sleep, I fight with my loved ones and I feel helpless. Then, in the end, I let go and things go away.
My last post, there was a comment (but it's no longer there. I assume the writer came back and deleted it and I'm not sure why). Their comment said they had never thought of life as a box - and that's all I see when I look at the limitations I enforce on myself. A tall stack of colorful boxes, many shapes and sizes that I pull out from time to time - force myself into and then become a miserable pile of me.
These moments of my life you can see on here as clear as day. They are my very best blog posts filled with angst, anger and lots of foul words used to personify my personal hell.
I know I'm not the only one who has the self deprecating behavior. I know I'm not the only person that hurts themselves, because at some point we decided we don't deserve to be happy, but that's not the truth. The truth is we're all human, and humans mess up. Yes, in the land of fiction it's easy to paint one person bad and the other good - but in reality it's all perception and humans are weak and we make mistakes. But when we go into the room of colorful metaphors, crawl inside and commence bitching about nothing that we ever feel we should fix - that's the real issues, because it solves nothing.
It solves nothing when all you want to do is complain about what's wrong.
It solves nothing to crawl inside a box and put limitations on your life.
Like I said, it's been a long week. A week that allowed to define me and the definition is simple - I'm scared. I'm scared of the sames things you are - I'm scared that if I let go I'll disappear, I'll fail, I'll die before I'm dead.
How very Fall of the House of Usher....
From here on out I'm done. I'm going to do the scary thing and let go. Accept my life is what it is and I'm going to do what I must to get to the next level - which would be L.A., publication and surfing :)
My mom & grandmom, always said, "Let go and let God." In yoga we say Ishvara Paranidhana - which means pretty much the same thing, "Surrender to an higher power." This is a universal concept, so why is it so hard to accept? Simple, because we're all a bunch of control freaks. (yes. I. am.)
Now I'm off. It rained all night so I'm not sure when I'll be able to get into the garden without it being swamp like, but I can transplant some of my seedlings and do the rest tomorrow. That IS what Sunday is for!
I hope you have a great weekend - and every time you think about locking yourself inside a metaphor, stop and just let go. The only person you're hurting is yourself, trust me, I thrive on it.