Thursday, June 30, 2011

And then its 3am and all hell breaks loose...

It's official. I'm "there". You know...that spot in the middle of the stress storm of life that claims you body and soul... At 3am I wake nearly every single night for no reason at all and then fall into a panic attack.

The monsters under my bed must be scratching harder than ever these days. The shrill noise of their talons dragging across the wooden floor boards bleeding into my less than restful sleep, pushing me awake so I can become consumed with assumptions, uncertainties and -$$$...
I move to the bathroom, assuming sole responsibility for these episodes. Visions of lesson plans, music lists, marketing, editing, web-design, book trailers, packing, throwing things away, fundraising, working, driving, new car, new everything!... my stomach is in knots... my stomach is always in knots.

I broke down and bought a bottle of generic pepto. It's the first time in 2 years that I've needed anti-acid... "SOOTHE"... It did its job so far. I should have more before I work - no need to get all crampy while I try to help my students to relax.

Yup. That's where I'm at. Our office is half packed. The attic is underway, same with the basement and the rest of the house. Tomorrow I'm tackling the kitchen. Emptying out cabinets as my son gets angrier at me for not paying attention to him. "It's always the mama..." yup kiddo... stuck with me.

In my head, in moments when I'm not moving (You know... they call it the "restroom" for a reason.) I dream of a cabin in the woods and no one but me, my yoga mat and my computer. No internet. Nothing but me. Alone.

OK - this was a fun break! I'm back at it. And tonight... valerina root

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Ohio is a sad representation of how little this country really thinks about it's citizens

I find Ohio to be such a major letdown. Between their terrible anti-animal laws and now this ridiculous anti-woman platform, because I hate to break it to you world - anti-abortion really is anti-woman. I'm sure you think I'm crazy for saying that, but life isn't easy and abortion isn't just there to be miss used as contraceptive. There are many reason from health related to rape, incest and so many more.

I'm tired of year after year hearing people label themselves as pro-life when in fact they're just pro-baby. You know what? That's fine. It's fine to be pro-baby. Babies are damn cute and smushy and lovely and wonderful, but this isn't going to save lives - these new laws are only going to kill more. How is THAT pro-life?

We use these terms in this country, these labels we put into place, so we can neatly file people away - but it's never that easy and we ALL know that. Why do you think that I'm SO incompetent that I'm unable to make the right decision for myself? Last I checked I'm over 18, I could die for this country if I had enlisted - but I can't decide if I need to have an abortion in order to have a better and healthier life. It's appalling how narrow minded people can be. You sit up there with your "power" acting as if you're gods. Listening to these shrill people who run with deplorable signage waving it in the face of people who already have loss in their lives. They feel and think they're better than the rest of the world and why? Because they let people like you tell them how to think. Sounds rather cultish to me.

I'm very tired of feeling as if I've been forced to live in the closet of a nunnery surrounded by prude cloistered woman who can't even say the word vagina. I can say vagina and I know where my vagina is and I know how to use my vagina, therefore I feel I should have sole claim over said vagina.

Yesterdays decision made us small and even more ignorant. We are not a democracy. We are a joke. Spoiled little rich kids that have too much time and too much money on our hands so instead of taking care of this country we are stripping it of its integrity and making us into a joke.

The Tea Party is a joke
Factory Farming is a joke
Lack of medical coverage for our citizens is a joke
Lack of respect for our women is a joke

We send our kids out into the world to die for a cause that doesn't even exist. It's just another way to generate money to keep the rich, rich and the poor in jungle boots. Telling us what to do. Telling us how to screw. Telling us that we can't use condoms and we can't say the words Penis and Vagina in school because GOD forbid our children actually UNDERSTAND what they're body is. It's anatomy - that's it. It's not some moral platform - knowing and understanding sex doesn't make you a bad person. Sex is normal and natural and shouldn't be frowned upon.

I want to be angry. I want to scream. But I'm just so let down. No one cares about anyone and that's just the American way these days. Big money is big - everyone else is just cannon fodder. Including me.

You're ignorance will kill many. Back alley abortion clinics will open up. Panicked people will go to extremes and many will die all because you think this is black and white.

It's a sad, sad day in Ohio. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down...

Friday, June 24, 2011

too fast... TOO FAST!

Then one day you get to this point of your life where 11 pm looks like 4am used to look and you're not really sure when it happened. Yes, it's not a bad thing - it's just a surprising thing. Time moves quickly, but sometimes faster than you can even absorb...

I don't know exactly what I thought life would be like but it's not this. That is to say I love where I'm at and I'm excited for this change but never would have believed it years ago. That's good. That means I'm growing and changing... now lets discuss the dry mouth I've had for the last 2 nights.

Seriously though... life is very simple, we just muck it up. When people tell me life isn't easy I don't respond. It is, but making the decisions that need to be made in order to keep it simple, well, that's hard.

Today I had a lovely moment where I was able to look outside of myself. I had a realization that if I were my friend I would look at me and tell me to stop being an ass that sets herself up to be let down. It's very easy to hand out advice to your friends, family, students, but it's so hard to embrace it on our own. We become attacked to ideas, things, people and hold on so tightly out of fear if we let go we'll lose what we NEED to have, but it's just fear. It's the fear that we won't feel again what we felt with that thing or at that time.

Once I started dishing the advice to myself I came up with an analogy... Imaging holding onto a pillow, that's the thing you're holding onto out of fear of hurt, failure, pain - and then imagine ten other pillows being tossed to you. Opportunities. New dreams. Better things. But you can't catch it because your hands are filled.

I can't catch the new things coming at me because I'm too busy, with clenched fists, holding onto something that needs to be tossed aside... by holding on I've given myself poor sleep, anger, frustration - by letting go... ENDLESS possibilities...

I sit here tired, eyes flickering to the clock every few words waiting to see that it must be much later - but realizing it's not and realizing that sooner or later I'll have no choice because life will tear things from me one way or the other. So I can let go - keep it simple - or I can hold on and suffer...

Life really is simple
Letting go so you can life it... that is what sucks

good night beautiful people. I'm sending you love.

sweet dreams

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Process

The process of getting ready to move is just that - a process.

When we bought this house 3 years ago we did so under the assumption we would be here for the long haul. Grade School, Middle School and High School - sitting put as our little guy packed up and went off to college. There would be birthdays and graduations with summers in between - all the while we would make progress on turning this house into the home we wanted.

The we decided to move and now we're turning our home into the house you want. Yes, I'm talking to you.

My husband painted over the weekend and I've been cleaning feverishly trying to unload all those things I'd get to "one day" because one day is here and it's not 3000 miles away. No siree bob... no.

This weekend brings the garage sale, and that means after I work tonight I will come home and help my husband sort out our holiday items. These are the "big" sellers. I work till 9pm so it'll be a late one.

We're also holding the 50/50 raffle for gas money - button will be up in a bit - the drawing will be held on Labor Day.

Besides that I'm just out of my mind. Trying to edit as everything else progresses has been difficult. I'll make it two days and on the 3rd I fall asleep on the couch, but I'm going to keep going. I've also read some books that I plan on posting about on here. Never really been book review kinda person, but hey! Why not?

So I'm off! Thank you for continuing this journey with me as I lose my mind and move 3000 miles away from Cleveland. And just so you know Clev, it's not you... it's me.


Monday, June 20, 2011

Yoga and Music, Music and Yoga

Part of my job is music. Picking the right music for a class can make or break the whole yoga experience. This has not been my strongest part of class, but just like every other part it's becoming obvious that it's gets easier with time.
Now I'll be driving down the road and hear a song and know it's right. I'll catch the lyrics and think - "Yes. That's right."

A few months back I began teaching a set of yoga classes I call Rock 'n Roll Yoga - but all it is are regular classes set to Rock music and why? Because sometimes listening to Krisna Das may not be your thing and you can find enlightenment in a million different places.

My current favorites are:
"You're a Tourist" by Death Cab for Cutie - "When there's a burning in your heart, don't be alarmed."
"The Cave" by Mumford and Sons - "The sun, it rises slowly as you walk away from all the fears."
"My Body" by Young the Giant - "My body tells me no, but I won't quit. 'Cause I want more, 'cause I want more."

There are many others - like Ruby Tuesday, or Hey Jude. I even have a slew of punk songs that I bring in from time to time because being emotional is universal. It doesn't matter where you "fit" into the scheme of things, we all go through the same emotions - anger, hate, love, sadness, and all the other ones that we carry around day in and out. Life is hard for everyone, this is something we need to be reminded of and we need to be reminded because we can isolate ourselves from the world and begin to only see our problems and that snowballs into so many terrible things.

The next time someone pisses you off stop for a moment and think of your day - think of all those stupid things that went wrong that irk you and set you into a bad place and then put the person in that situation - you never know what kind of day they had. We all deserve a break.

We are all very different and we are all very much the same, and these words, these songs remind me and help me to remind my students that we are human.

Music is universal - the messages are pretty much always the same even when the back beat isn't.

I'm off to clean my attic.
Have a great day.


Saturday, June 18, 2011


How nice would a break be?  A night where I get to go out and blow off some steam. To not have to worry about our child for ONE moment and know that I can just be me. Not a teacher. Not a wife. Not a mother - just a friend who wants to socialize and enjoy a nice warm night out talking and laughing and being...

How nice would it be?  I don't know.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

7 months later

After 20 some years of smoking I finally kicked the habit this past December. 2011 is the first year I haven't had a cigarette since 1988 - yup. That's a long time. (it wasn't a pack a day habit or anything - the first 3 and last 3 years were random cigarettes here and there - it was the middle 16 that I was dedicated to keeping Camel into business.)
When you quit you feel very accomplished. If you go to the doctor, they'll ask you if you smoke and you'll say no and everyone will smile and congratulate you. This is the same with friends and family members you don't see often.

"You finally quit! That's wonderful!"

And you feel great. People are happy. You are happy. Your bank account is happy. And then... 7 months later... it begins.

My attacks are normally at night, after laying in bed for a minute or two. If I'm lucky they take place before I'm asleep - if I'm not lucky I start having dreams that I'm suffocating and I'm woken up by my own hacking. Last night was the worst one yet. My chest still hurts.

Part of me wants to go to a doctor, but the other part of me doesn't. I'm sure you're like, "Jesus! Go to the doctor!" but the reality of the situation is I know they'll say it's my lungs detoxing and it'll just take time. Yes, maybe they'll give me something, like an inhaler, but I don't know. Sometimes there isn't a pill or a pump that can just 'fix' things and a big part of me feels like that.

Things like cough syrups just suppress the cough and all that does is stop what my body naturally feels it needs to do - break up crap so I can breath and my lungs can not hurt so much.

Now - this said - I'd like to add that this isn't just a smoker thing. I grew up in a town of iron ore factories - this is an issue. I'm also a fan of city living - exhaust from cars is also an issue. These are things that effect us all. So breathing, understanding that drinking plenty of water also good for our lungs and eating a healthy - none dairy (due to phlegm) and trying to spend time outdoors in an area that isn't overly polluted by factories, smokers, and cars - is important.

Mostly this is my reminding myself by tell you. I find when I share things it ups my changes of remember what I need to do in my life....

Last night is another hiccup. I'm so tired that I'm not sure how much I'll accomplish tonight. I'm hoping once I practice later I'll feel better and will be able to power though so I can finish up the attic tonight with my husband. Then try to write...

Ah! 7 months later, but I'll tell you this, I'm sure as hell never smoking again. I think its funny how quickly I can convince myself that I'm invincible and later I'm reminded just how human I am...

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Be true to yourself and just remember - 2 year olds only make messes, they don't clean them...

I just realized I'm walking from room to room nodding my head and saying, "Ok. Ok." over and over. I'm not sure what's ok, but I do know that this isn't really getting the house packed... lol.

My goal today is to pack as much as I can so tonight after I teach I can come home and edit some. It's hard starting so late - most nights I don't get on the computer till near 10pm and then I can only get an hour or two in before my brain shuts down, but that doesn't change how much I love it.

This never ceases to amaze me. How much I LOVE writing.
I can be on here, my other blog, my book(s) or even my journal - but you know this because I talk about it all the time. I supposed I'm feeling lucky. Lucky because I have so much and still can't really figure out how I obtained it all.

We spend so much of our lives trying to figure out who and what we. It's a natural thing. I do feel we all know, deep down inside, what we are meant to do - but we let life clutter our vision. I've let life clutter my vision for so many reasons. I scared people will judge me, or that I'll feel left out. Or because of money and "obligations". In the end these are just a few of the many excuses - but they're the biggest excuses I cling to.

Being a writer doesn't in any way give me security. Being a new writer doesn't ensure me a spot in the J.K Rowling Hall of fame... Realistically, I probably I have better chance of winning the lotto than that sort of success - but that doesn't mean I should ignore what I want to do.

We live in a country, a world even, that tells is that most important things in life are status and image - no they're not. Being happy, being kind, loving honestly and earnestly - these are the things that are really important. Supporting your friends and family and being the person you are... that's what I've learned. I've learned that being yourself is scary as hell and the uncertainty is hard (which is evident in some of my older posts on days I can't deal well with the pressure), but I've also learned that I'd rather be scared than living a half dead life just to live up to someone else's expectations.

The saying, "The only person you live with your whole life, is you." is 100% true. Every other relationship is a rest stop along this interstate of life. You get to stop and do all these crazy things that enhance who you are - but in the end it's all you.

Guess I'm feeling deep today.
Today is a good day.

And today is slipping away from me! So I'm off. First I eat and then it's back to the attic! Trash day is nearly upon us and I need to fill the curb!

Have a wonderful day and remember to take a moment for you, because if you don't like you - why the hell should anyone else?


Monday, June 13, 2011

Some complaining, a little work and a day at the beach!

It will never cease to amaze me how many people think that holding a grudge against someone else hurts anyone but themselves.

Anger corrodes the person holding the anger - like fire burns the match it was started with.

It doesn't set you free. It doesn't change the past. It only destroys the person who won't let it go...

I feel the need to say this because I'm so very tired of hearing about Lebron James. I'm tired of hearing how he 'deserves' this or that. Who really cares? If we spent half as much time caring about our town rather than using up all of our energy hating someone no longer here, Cleveland would be a better place. It's just that simple. (& please understand - this view is non-negotiable. You can say what you want, it won't change how I feel.)

Moving on. I finally had a chance to edit last night. I only finished up 6 more pages, but it's 6 pages that weren't finished yesterday morning. I also wrote another page in the new book... yes... I know I shouldn't be working on the new book as I edit the old but the truth is my laptop is a netbook and doesn't have word on it. I downloaded the suggested software, but my cousin is helping me by being a second set of eyes and she used the "tracking" setting on my manuscript and that doesn't show up in the free word version (which makes sense, because if I could get it for free... you know, that whole "cow v milk" scenario...)

So when I'm away from here (the old desk top) and I'm able to use the laptop I work on that book. Then I come back here and work on the edit.

I hope to get back to it tonight, but I have 2 classes and it really depends on much house work/packing I accomplish today. Right now I'm preparing to take my son to the beach. We went last year but he was too little and the crowd was too big - and rude - but that's a different story all together.

It's 9am so we're off. Figure we'll dig in the sand, eat a little lunch, come back here and clean out the dinning room. I hope to make it in the attic tomorrow. That's our everest... (i.e. dumping grounds). I want to have as much on the curb as I can this week! Baby steps!

A few other things - we will be having HUGE garage sales all summer AND a 50/50 raffle. Tickets are $1 per ticket or $5 for 7. Labor Day weekend we will be drawing a winner! If you're interested just head over to the "contact" page and email me. We can do this via the net!

Have a great day!!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

The count down continues and ducks - they need to be fed...

I'm really tired, and probably shouldn't even be up - that said I am so I decided to come here!

This past week has been a whirlwind of chaos. After our realtor came over and told us to "fix" things, we've been packing and painting and cleaning and dancing the watusi. This next week will be pretty much the same. Jam packed with our normal routine, plus the added chores of getting things in order.

This may sound like complaining, but to be honest I'm not. Just stating the facts here.

The biggest thing this week, or event if you will, is on Thursday my son will have his final fitting for his ankle braces. I cancelled two of my classes that day to stay home with him. I don't feel it's fair if I were to shove his little feet into braces and then run off to yoga-fy the world. I just hope it goes ok. He's been through a lot in the short 32 months he's been alive, the last thing I want is to add some level of torture to his day.

I suppose that means on Thursday we will have to go feed the ducks. This is our new and very favorite activity. We have been to the park twice this week to do that very task. So much that today I though they were going to kill us when we ran out of bread... not kidding.

Here is our first visit:

And this is from today:

Now he asks to feed the ducks and to go to the playground every day. What more could I ask for?

On the job front it looks as though I'll have a job to take with me to L.A., this makes me happy. It's a sales job, not my favorite thing, but I like the company and what they sell is something I would actually buy. That will make it much easier for me to sell their merchandise.(yoga clothing... if you're interested, let me know... I'll hook you up!)

The book has been on the back burner. I'm bummed out about it. I made it 14 pages into the edit the day before the realtor came over - but that is over. I'm back at it tomorrow night. I'm going to try to edit at least 5 days a week. I figure I can use the weekends and on Thursday (normally) I have a gap between my two jobs, the only issue is that my laptop doesn't have word on it and my manuscript is IN word... I'll have to print up the pages that need to be edited and go old school on that bad boy. I'd probably get more done to be honest because I can bring it to the park, on my couch, in the yard - easier than taking my laptop.

I've also decided to keep this going a bit longer... yes, I've been considering ending Weekly Adventures. I just don't seem to have the time with the other blog and my life. But I realized that this is a once and a life time opportunity. I can blog my way across America as we move.

And I'm going to do just that. Granted I have to pack first!

But for now I'm just going to go to bed. Let go of today. Give my worries away and get some sleep.

Tomorrows a new day and one that is ripe for the taking! I hope you are all fairing well!


Friday, June 10, 2011


The down side of being someone who procrastinates is that there is at least one day that is filled with everything you should have done for the last two week. AHH!

Today is not that day.
Today I procrastinate.

Turns out... the ducks need to be fed!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

So you wanna move!

CHANGE IT ALL! Yes, that's the ticket.

We met with the realtor last night and now have a boat load of house work to do. Painting, rearranging, throwing away piles and piles of crap (which we needed to do any way because who wants to drive 3000 miles with piles of crap we don't want or need?) and more painting.

Plus I'm editing my book, which I should be doing this very second, but I woke up and my hips on fire! I must have slept extra weird because it hurts. It even hurts to just sit here and type these lovely little letters to you. But you know what??

I'm gonna work through it because there is so much to do and I'm excited for it. I've learned in the past few weeks that I'm blessed. I have people in my life who are wonderful. People who are encouraging and supportive and a blessing and with them I know we can make this happen.

I think I may have to post some before and after photos on here...

AND I'M OFF! Have a merry wednesday!!


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Today is the day that will change everything!

Today is the day that changes everything... yup... today the realtor will come over to walk through the house and we will get starting on selling our house.

It struck me today. Showing your house is like inviting hundreds of people over to look at your stuff... people you've never met will walk through the house and notice every little nuance about you. Honestly, it's a bit intimidating...

My nerves are buzzing, and it doesn't help that I'm sleepy because I was up till midnight editing and had woken up at 5:30 to write - which I had intended to do today too but my body seemed to not agree with me on that one. I'm trying to not think of things, and by things I mean all those little items we let eat at us. The what ifs and how are we... I just keep thinking about how we're actually "doing it" and that is a good thing. We're going to make it, and why? Because quitting really isn't an option. I've already done the quitting portion  of my life - and I'm tired of being tired. You know what I mean?

Like when you spend all those hours telling yourself how you can't do something and that just leads to depression and then that leads to nothing. That's what I'm done with. I can do this - I can have my book published and move to L.A. with my family. Sell my house and pack up our things.

I think the reason more of us don't live the dream life we want simply is because we take no for an answer. We let bad moments convince us that we are doomed. We spend our time looking for the things that will derail us rather than noticing the moments that elate us and make us smile. Yes, it's hard. Life is hard. Trying to change everything you've ever done is HARD. But... isn't it worth it when you can be who you want to be and live how you want to live?

I think it is.

I think it's worth trying too hard.

That said - the office won't clean itself and neither will the bedroom so I'm off. I'm sure I'll be on here later or tomorrow to spill all the details of how it went tonight, but it's hours off and I have a ton to do so taataa for now!

Have a beautiful day and take a moment to look around you and see all the greatness in your life. Trust me, it's much nicer than looking at the baggage...

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Last minutes syndrome

Ever notice when someone you work with starts working just a tad bit harder you find out two days later they handed in their notice? Suddenly there is no time left, they have to prove they have been worth the job they had before leaving. Not to mention all the things that were left undone because "one day" it would get taken care of.

I spent the day doing yard work. Yard work I've put off for 3 years because "one day" we'd have blah, blah, blah and then we could do this and that then. Yes, well it's ONE DAY! And I'm in about 4 shades of pain. My whole body hates me. Tomorrow I start a new job, one that requires me to be physically in sync with my students... oh ibuprofen... how we will be friends tomorrow.

Tomorrow will also include more work out front and then start cleaning up those "one day" bits of clutter around the house, because there is no way in hell I'm moving junk 3,000 miles so we can unload it there. That's just crazy talk.

Our office should be a feat in itself. The clutter is currently glaring at me as if it will attack at any moment... That can't be good.

Before they stage a coup, I'm going to bed. Well, I'm going to my other blog and then I'm going to bed, where I hope to sleep - for more than 3 hours...

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Life, Liberty and my American Dream

What's done, is done.

What does that even mean? Just think about it. Think about how many times in one day, one week, one year we say things but really don't know and/or understand what they mean. We just say them in a matter-of-fact tone because we're so used to hearing the phrases, but have no clue what we're alluding to.

OK - my example is sub-par - but it doesn't change the fact that we have learned to just shut down and not look at the words exiting our mouths.

Here's a better one: "The American Dream." It's not 1672 any more, hell, it's not 1931 when the phrase was coined, but the essence of these words remain the same. You may have a different idea as to what the American Dream is, but you still have a dream.

My dream is to move to Los Angeles, with my family this fall. On Tuesday our realtor will be coming by to walk through our property and let us know what he thinks about us getting out of here in a timely matter - and that phone call suddenly made this into a reality.

You see, it's been 2 years this past week that we decided we were going to move to L.A., and then life happened, as it always does, and here we are - in Cleve-burg sweating our tail feathers off California Dreaming.


The America Dream came around as a way to say, "We should be able to reach out there and take a chance at becoming the person we know we are inside."

I was lost for a long time. All you have to do is go back to the beginning of this blog and take a look around - I didn't have a path or a goal, I had questions, I had more fears than not, I had a hell of a time sleeping and was out of my mind.

But then life changed. Life ALWAYS changes - don't like it, wait a few minutes. Now I know. I know what I want.

I want to move to California with my family, to become published (and wildly famous in the book world), to raise my son right, to be an honest caring and loving wife, to teach, live and breathe yoga. That is MY America Dream. To see my son grown into the man he's destined to be. To see my husband happy after a long day of hard work.

This move is the very thing we need to embrace the people who are bursting out of our skins.

I know you're thinking there's nothing wrong with Cleveland, and you're right, there isn't. I was born in Ohio, raised in the Cleveland area. I'm proud of this town (most days) but that shouldn't stop me from achieving those things I know I can if I just get a break.

As this house sits on the market and we pray every day and every night - I'm reaching out to you. Over the last year I've had a Get Me to L.A. button posted on the right of this blog. If you have it in your heart to help me and my family get to L.A. please push it - just a buck, I'm not asking for millions. Times are hard everywhere, I truly understand that, but as a yoga teacher and a practicing yogi I can say for certain that I know people out there have compassion and love for their fellow humans - pay a little forward to me.

You see, I lost my job a year ago, and yes I did become a yoga teacher, but yoga is a job of love. My pay last year as a yoga teacher was 1/2 of what I used to make in a month at my old job.

That, my friends, is why I'm being honest and asking you up front to lend a hand.

If you can find it in your heart to help my family obtain their American Dream I would carry you in my heart for as long as I live.

Thank you!


Friday, June 3, 2011

A good old fashion case of the nerves...

We did it. Yes. Today we called the realtor and on tuesday he is coming by our house to do a walk through... omg. WE'RE MOVING TO LOS ANGELES!!

We've been talking about this for 2 years - it's been 2 years this week. I'm all over the place and I'm not sure how to feel let alone what I feel... lets just say... OH MY GOD I'M MOVING TO LOS ANGELES...

and call it a night.
Besides that... I really wish I would have washed my hair... it's kinda of icky...