Friday, July 29, 2011

shambles....

It's all in shambles, this world I mean... isn't it? I think the best thing we did was to cancel cable. No longer being connected to a television has been liberating on a number of levels. I no longer have to feel forced into watching local news. I no longer have to care.

Like I said - shambles.

I no longer want to care because it renders me helpless. Yes, I'm that person who has to save everyone - but when you live like that you will surly lose yourself.

Even with out television, things bleed through. Murder, mayhem, theft and looting - congress is out of control. Our country is out of control. People like to say, "Back in a simpler time." but I don't believe there ever was a simpler time. Maybe more naive, but human nature is human nature - case in point would be In Cold Blood, written in 1966, torso murders which happened in the 1930, in general I can go back further and further until I start discussing Cain and Able, but it's all the same. No mater what side we are on, we feel we are better than the other side and the fight continues.

shambles...

But this has nothing to do with my move. The move is going... our house hasn't been seen by a single buyer and (as stated) we've cancelled cable to help save a little. After my series of breakdowns it has come to a point where I can't feel any more - or I will permanently be in shambles too.
Yesterday helped. There were a series of events that made me feel better about things - signs if you will. 4 of them, which is odd in itself because I've had "I'm looking over a 4 leaf clover" stuck in my head for days.

(for those of you who aren't familiar with this stunning tune dating back to the 40's - the refrain is
"I'm looking over, a 4 leaf clover, that I over looked before. One leaf is sunshine, the other is rain, third is the roses that grown in the lane. No need explaining the one remaining, is somebody I adore! I'm looking over, a 4 leaf clover, that I over looked before!" - so it's not the refrain, but I love it just the same)

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, picture the life I want to have for me and my family, and then keep moving. On days I write this is a lot simpler, I days I don't I'm a crabby mess (shambles). I haven't written in 2 days. I should go up now and write, maybe I will, but I have to wait to pull some bread out of the oven.

I know what you're thinking... the reason I can't write is because of the bake sale - something I created for ME to do. It's another classic case of Aryn self sabotage... but isn't that the case for all things in life? I'm not intentionally setting out to sabotage, but I made less than $100 this week and I'm trying to make $2000 for the trip - this means I have to work "different" because its hard.
It's hard with my son because he's with me all day and then I work in the evenings and my husband wants to chit-chat and my friends want me to hang out.

I just want to write.

May sound terribly cruel and selfish, but I'm fine with that.
I'm fine with it.

Congress is fine with dancing to the wrong tune
Local news is fine with smiling about death

I'm fine with wanting to write... ALL the time.

I love it. I LOVE IT! And I want to be as good at it as I am at making brownies or teaching yoga... Oh I do.Oh I am...

There is no point to this post, outside of the fact that I wanted to post something. I should pose a question, and then just post the answer... maybe one day. But for now, the timer is beeping and that means my bread is done. Off to bed - tomorrow I need to make pumpkin bread and lots of cookies... maybe I'll write tomorrow.

Maybe congress will get their collective head out of their collective ass too.

Maybe it'll stop being shambles...

...maybe...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Martin Luther King, Jr... where are you?

I've been sitting around the last few days watching Congress laugh in the face of this country and mock our president. "He's not my president." I'm hearing more than not and I just bow my head.
A mindless group of sheep moving from pen to pen, waiting haplessly for someone one to drop pellets of food in our mouths. Now we have the strength to meander on to the next waiting post.
No one does anything.
We post silly things on our "status" or tweet one line sentences, because there is "someone" else out there that will pick up the bat and move to the plate for the people.

Martin Luther King, Jr... where are you?

Don't dare use the word depression, unless your marketing some sort of pharmaceutical - then it's okay. Use words like "recession" and then remind people "sometimes we need to take 2 steps back to take the right step forward" mix it with some imagery, blow up a few bombs and VOILA! Propaganda 2011.

If you're really poor, or you're really rich, you'll be ok - it's just everyone in between - they'll pick up the tab, taxes, unemployment. See, the problem is simple. People in my generation, you know the great Generation X - we never really had to suffer. Born tripping with Gerald Ford and farming with Carter (who gave a crap about social issues) and then we met Regan and greed and money and more money. Yes, Bush Sr came dancing in, hoping to be the next FDR - use war to build a better whatever, because we were already dancing on the roof tops of super power stardom, so he went away, and so did war and we met up with Mr. Clinton. We don't know suffering, we know low gas prices, ample food and so much more - so now we wait like good little pets thinking that someone gave a damn.

Maybe our President does, but he was left a hot pile of stuff after 8 years of fraternity jokes and decisions that has thrown our country into a downward spiral of shame.

We work and work and work until our spirit is broken and then we work some more. This is just how it is. Those other thoughts are childish and not worth a damn.

No one says anything
We're not a democracy

The Dutch
Rome
British Empire
Spain
Russia

We're not invincible
We're not infallible
And soon we won't be anything at all - but an essay written by a 14 year old, entitle "The Rise and Fall of the U.S.A."


We, my dear friends, are a joke.

United we stand, divided we fall. Peas and Carrots. Apple pie. It's really not a hard concept, yet somehow it's the hardest one of all.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The break-up


The reality of the situation is that I've been "in bed" with Cleveland, Ohio since 1977. I was born in sunny Toledo (famous for Tony Packo, the Mud Hens & Katie Holmes), but my family was raised here so when my dad couldn't find work up north, they drove back home to Cleveland.

My grandmother had owned a card shop in the Arcade, my Great Uncle played basked ball with Jesse Owens at the YMCA down town. My other grand father worked at Sly Inc (here's a fun story about them) - my grandmother was terrified of tornadoes because she saw the one in 1953 tear down her street.

The place I practiced at (band practice) was on Waterloo - known better as the location of the torso murders in the 1930 and you can still see the busts of the victims downtown at the police museum. I stood on the field during Browns practice at the old Municipal stadium and sat in the bleacher for Indian's Baseball before Charile Sheen was Wild Thing.

Yup, I've been here for a long time and I've seen a lot of things - like when Steal Yard Commons we really just a steal yard and the flats were still cool.

And now we're breaking up. And now I only talk about the things I hate about this town, because that's what you do when you break up. You talk about the little things at annoyed you so it hurts less. I talk about the apathy or the fact everyone still talks about that terrible basketball player that acted like a child. I talk about lack of police, the unfinished water front, how W. 6th is supposed to be the "cool spot" and how everyone neglects the awesome theater district and amazing museums and orchestra.

I talk about how crappy the music scene is and how bands crap on each other instead of helping each other out and then if someone get signed - holy hell - they're a sell out and no one should show them love.

Yes - I'm digging around the the trashcans of this city to find the junk no one wants to look at so I can make this a little bit easier. But it doesn't work and it doesn't help. I grew up here. It's like that first guy/girl you ever loved. Even when it's over you still kinda love them - or the essence of them. In the up coming years, after we've settled and have integrated into L.A. I'm sure I'll coo over the memories of old C'Town. The frustrating moments will melt away, slipping through the cracks in my life. I'll remember Coventry Road and how we used to hang out there as kids, watching our friends skate and other friends bands play at the Grog Shop. I'll remember Flash Gordons because it was the best club that ever existed and I'm still angry, 20 years later, that they ripped it down.

There are so many memories here - that's what kills me and what I don't want to latch on to because we need to do this move - memories are the past, does that make sense?

If I only sit and look at the good things in this relationship I'll stay out of reverence for the dead. Living for the dead isn't living - its walking like a zombie through life. That's not a life and it's not the life I want for my family either.

It really is a break up, because at the end of any relationship that montage of memories will flood your brain and you will begin to question the whole situation. You will wonder why you've even decided to begin this process at all - they'er still digging you, maybe you're wrong.

but...that voice... that tiny little voice that comes up from your belly and dances on your shoulders as it whispers in your ears, "It's time to go Aryn. There's more out there waiting for you..." and you know and I know... its the right thing to do.

To be honest - yes there are some great qualities to this town but the ones here are meant for someone else now and not me. If you believe in signs my favorite club is gone, my high school and grade school is gone my first mall job - the mall was ripped down, my second big retail job is going out of business (borders), the Discovery channel retail left Cleveland a decade ago... even the Agora has closed it's doors, which is a tragedy all it's own. The only thing this town hasn't done is driven to my house, loaded me into a car and taken me to the airport...

Sweet, sweet Cleveland, our days are numbered, but I'll love you until I die. Never for get that, because I know that I won't.

much love,
-Aryn

Friday, July 22, 2011

perspective

I went to my first yoga class tonight in months.
As an instructor I should go more often, at least a few times a week - but life gets in the way - excuses roll out.
But regardless, I made it to class tonight.
The teacher, a wonderful woman who is also an artist in many facets of the word - writing, painting, just being - she said to let go. Over and over though out class, "Here, right now. Let your worries slip off of you into the floor." and "If there is anything left you're holding onto. Expetations of the future, baggage from the past, let it go" and finally "What is it that you can't let go of. What, are you afraid of."

What are you afraid of...

I don't know.

I couldn't answer that question. I couldn't be there in that moment and say it's this, that and the other thing bothering me. I still can't.

Is it money? No, we don't have much, but that's not going to stop us. We have friends and family who love us and know this is our dream and our passion and they're going to help us - best they can to get there.

Is it the security of a job? No, again - friends and family. Maybe I won't be running my own yoga gig like here but I'll still have a job.

what is it? I just don't know.

Why am I doing this stuff to myself? Am I getting trapped in the image of what I fell is expected of me... see, there is the real issue. Yes, I probably am. So here is the problem. I create these expectations of what life should be and when it doesn't feel like it's going to happen I freak out, break down, lose my mind.

I'm going to more yoga tomorrow morning with my friends and I can't wait. I need to just bust out of this stress and stop thinking about all of the crap that's not important. What's important is my practice, is my book, my child and my husband.

Perspective. I keep losing mine.
What a terrible shame.

yoga doth cure all ills.

I just found out that I get to TAKE a yoga class tonight and not TEACH one.
Suddenly everything isn't that bad...
aaaaa.... awesomesauce with sprinkles...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

but

I was laying in bed last night, blogging in my head.
I wish I could sit here right now and tell you I've figured out the solution to all of our problems, but alas... I can not. All I can do is keep going. Keep going and praying that things work out sooner than later.
I supposed I expect too much. Too much out of myself and the universe. I'm also sure that sounds a bit crazy, but maybe that's just who I am too. Crazy.
Ah - how that would simplify things.
Accepting my crazies in part as I try to accept myself as a whole.

It's like my life is a puzzle and I can't see the pieces because I'm that thin layer of image on crooked and curved slats of cardboard. Start with the sides first and work your way into the center.
The sides are the specifics - sell the house, find a jog
the center is the drive, new everything.

Thinking actually hurts these days. My attempts at meditation are weak- the villagers have torches and pitchforks. Lots of fire, lots of screaming and flying off the handle. It's out of control. How can I work towards anything else when I can't even control my own mind? See - crazy.
Plus that knock on the head didn't help at all either.

I can't help but thinking - often - how I need a break and I can't help but see - very often - how there is no room for one.

pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray
pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray
pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray

I'm trying to just let go - be the student of all those things I teach in my classes - but <=

BUT

The house is in order and we've already started to pack. Today I'm going to bake, looked for some freelance jobs and write. I think maybe I'll even go on hiatus from blogging and I know I'm going to from twitter & facebook. I'll revisit this world in a few days.

I need to let the villagers out before they set my hair on fire.
ttyl

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

blurg

trying to stay positive has becoming increasingly harder over the last few days. between having the gas shut off and then having a power outage. our funds aren't that great and i'm not sure what to do about it. trying to get people to come to my class has proven interesting as well. it's summer.
i hope and i pray a lot now.
i fell asleep praying the other day.
i woke up as if i had never stopped.
sometimes it helps
sometimes is just more words
further proof that i just talk too much
action
i need action
i'm not sure what more actions i can take
direction
i need direction.......

who cares..
i need a nap

Sunday, July 17, 2011

72 hours of cold water = really itchy hair

72 hours without hot water. My hair itches. I need to bathe and not to carry 6 pots of boiling water up 2 flights of stairs to do so.
Our house is "show ready", yet no one has come to see it.
My clothes are crunchy, but they smell like fresh air - which is nice.
I'm editing for the first time in two weeks. My heart thumps against my chest as I type those words.
I'm editing.
I'm editing.
I'm editing.

love.

I broke the nail on both of my big toes from walking into things today - the wall, a slab of concrete.
I have a paper cut on my right hand that runs from the wrist to my index finger's first knuckle.
I ate too much - comfort eating seems to be my new "thang"
Lost over $600 to this mess - that was from my moving fund

are you hiring?

Think I'll start baking now...

This road has been an interesting one.
No longer being angry. No longer being anything. Just stopping and listening to see what's to be heard.

Its time to observer. The time to react is over - my reactions are getting me nothing but heartburn and sleepless nights. It all happens for a reason.
It all happens for a reason.
It all happens.
reason
rest

let go.

All these little moments are experience and depth to another story.
All of these trip lines give me a larger pool to dive into.

I know this much and it's where I'm staying:
=> I live my yoga for it is who I am
=> I will have a published novel
=> I will be in L.A. this fall
+
=> chocolate covered strawberries are the bomb

Like I said. I'm done.
I've been done hating on my humanity for a while.
Now I'm done stressing over things I can't control.

it is what it is
I am what I am
and Popeye loved spinach (even after that terrible stroke that gave him the terrible speak impediment.)

Live life.
Love life.
Love you.
Be free.

72 hours... just don't stand down wind of me and we should all be fine.

(ps - this isn't a porn site. but I'm sure you figured that out already. What a let down... huh? ;-) )

Underwear... the final frontier.

UNDERPANTS!!! 
(beef jerky-panties)

Earlier today I was tagged by A Still and Quiet Madness, thus forcing me to answer all of the questions listed below! SO HERE WE GOOO!!

What do you call your panties / underwear / undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?
Fanny Catchers



Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?
No, this saddens me. I have so many fun pairs of fanny catchers I wish I'd be able to show them off without all. the hubbub of being that "woman" who only walks around in her shorts... a.k.a. "crazy" 



What is the worst thing you can think of to make panties out of?
Linoleum

If you were a pair of panties, what color would you be, and WHY?
Gamboge because it looks terrible against my skin


Have you ever thrown your panties/underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your panties/underwear at, given the opportunity?
No I haven't Fanny Catchers are meant to catch fannies. Not rock stars. NOT CELEBRITIES EITHER! They celebrate fannies... the end...


You’re out of clean panties. What do you do?
Wash them?


Are you old enough to remember Underoos? If so, did you have any? Which ones?
UNDEROOS! UNDEROOS! No. (pst! I'm lying. Wonder Woman all the way!)

If you could have any message printed on your panties, what would it be?

"Fanny Catchers is a Female Force!"


How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?
8 - to collect the money to BUY the goat. 4 - To buy mail orders goat fanny catchers. And a final 4 to hold to the goat, so... what is that? 45? Damn... math is dumb. 


Tag Four People and tell them why you are being so cruel to them.
aw.... I don't have any friends... boooo!!


Saturday, July 16, 2011

And the gas leak is SO BAD they should have shut us down months ago...

The truth of the matter is that East Ohio Gas Company - a.k.a. Dominion East Ohio - sucks. They're a bunch of rip off artists who don't care about anything but money. Yes, I'm angry and you know what? You should be too because if they're doing this to me, than they're probably doing this to you.

A man came out and check our meter last year, which means they knew about the leakage. The gas leak is SO BAD we are probably going to lose the tree in our front yard. We haven't had gas in 2 days - mind you we have a toddler who we need to bathe. We called, they don't care. They never noticed us. They never did shit - they turned off our gas and the man ran away when he saw me. A grown man in his 50's ran away from tiny little old me - coward.

They act like we're at fault - but I bet you that we would have been able to pay our bill if gas wasn't flooding our house  - but what does that matter?

Yes. I'm tired. My house just went on the market 2 days ago - I've been packing for over a month, plus a job, a child, a husband and friends - not to mention my nearly forgotten book. So maybe you can say I'm speaking in anger because I'm simply worn out.

You can say whatever you want about me, but the truth of the matter is simple - Utility companies don't give a shit about you, your family or your well being - they care about money.

Why shouldn't they? It IS the America way.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Purgatory

There are many advantages and disadvantages to a large, cumbersome move. The idea of a new adventure is exciting, almost making me salivate at all the prospects that are sitting out there before me, but this limbo is driving me mad.

My house is an absolute disaster. Pulling apart dressers, closets, the attic and the basement. Organizing a garage sale, bake sale, mala beads & eye pillows, on top of ordering the moving truck, buying a new(ish) car and general life. For the first time ever, in a stressful situation, I'm gaining weight - which makes this even more stressful.

I haven't touched my book in a week. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I'm ignoring my best friends because I met a new controlling boyfriend that would let me associate with them and I'm still buying his crap because the sex is good.

Yes - this is what stress looks like.

But I'm trying to keep my eye on that prize and not look back - which is becoming increasingly hard as I'm meeting up with friends for our goodbye drinks... I don't know about you, but I know I take my friends for granted, it's become a prevalent fact of life as I sit across from them and look at them - really, really look at them - wondering when the next time this sort of meeting will happen.

It'll happen.
I won't be without my friends forever.
Soon I'll be a tourist destination and that will make winter exciting for them and the transition easier for us when they come and visit through out the winter.

These are all facts I tell myself as I look in the mirror I'm peeling off the wall to make my room appear larger than it may seem...

"You can do this Aryn." I say to myself.
You've been trying to leave since you were 19 old girl, you'll back out... just wait... you'll see
I hate that stupid voice in my head - showing me how much of a coward I can be...

That voice that haunts me... that mean and hateful voice that's a mixture of all of my insecurities layered over ex-friends, ex-boyfriend, family members, old teachers and others that told me I was stupid, weak and worthless - and for some STUPID ASS REASON I believed them...

That voice is the one who yammers in my ear at 3am, the one that helps panic attacks to take hold - keeping me in my 5 hour sleeping pattern. (with on bathroom break in the middle)

Oh I used to tell people I believed in heaven, but not hell because humankind can be so cruel - earth is hell I'd say. And I'd always add that there was no such thing as purgatory, but now I'm seeing I was wrong about that  - because that's what this is. Moving across the country on a wing and a prayer - that's purgatory.

Makes me wish I would have bought some indulgences...

Happy Wednesday Survey Day!

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Right to the nitty gritty with this weeks questions... hmm... and just so you know - oatmeal

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I honestly do not remember. It was taken a long time ago, which means more than a week.

3.Can you play Guitar Hero? No. Nor do I want to learn.

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Xander

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Midnight, because of the stuff that I'm doing when no one else is around.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Well that would explain all the packing now wouldn't it?!



This weeks survey was brought to you by my past! If you have any survey questions you'd like me to answer, tough.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I'M HAVING A BAKE SALE!

Well, I've decided to have a bake sale if you're at all interested in purchasing some delicious treats, pleas order some today!! Yes. You have to be around here... seems my paypal account is under house arrest due to my attempt at a illegal money fun raffle... silly me...

So yes! Bake Sale! GARAGE Sale! Lemonade Stand! Plus raffling off a massage, reiki treatment and a class pass to Open Yoga Gallery.

In general I'm tired. I'm tired and I haven't written in a week, I haven't done anything with my book in a week and it makes me want to cry. I know, you're thinking "why doesn't she go do it now?" and the reason is simple. This is a break and I have to get back to doing other things that are required to move. Honestly I shouldn't even be on here, but I was posting info about the bake sale and thought I should blog.

Ah! Insanity. It keeps me spry.

I'm off!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

life is good

I was out late last night, well, late for me. At 1am I decided I needed to come home. The knowledge that my son would be up around 6 or 7 forced me into my car to drive home. As I drove down the side roads of Cleveland, jazz filtering into the cab making me smile and the velvety air brushing against my arm, I couldn't help but think about all the things to come.
Yes, I'm tired and maybe slightly hung over, but good things will come and I can't help but be in a good mood. Even though at this very moment I'm not exactly sure how this is gonna work. There are a lot of things piling up and I'm not sure of most of them. Even typing it out on here I can feel a pit in my stomach begin to develop, but I have to let it go - before I drive myself mad. I need to concentrate on the moment and get to tomorrow and then I'll just concentrate on that moment.

I need to kick it into over drive and get to getting and I forgot the point of this post, but I'll say, at the end of today I get to edit and I'm so excited I could squeal.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Tripping over myself, 'cause it's fun!

Sometimes if you look hard enough you can find anything you're looking for, but most times you find things you weren't looking for. Some good. Some awful. But that's what we do, or maybe that's just what I do. Search.

When I had my mini-nervous breakdown the year after my son was born I did a lot of questioning, even down to the "why are we here" which was always a party downer... well, for everyone else. (teeheehee)

I can't sit here and tell you why we're here, but I can sit here and tell you that there really is a purpose. We look at things in our lives and see them as road block. Getting in our own way because tripping over anger is much easier than taking a step back because most of us are busy and stuck inside our heads so much we can't even begin to comprehend moments that are, clearly, not in sync with our lives.

Basically, sometimes being human sucks.

We over plan so much of our lives that if there is a little hiccup we fall apart, and then we get in our own way because  "that's not how it was supposed to go." And it doesn't match the pretty pictures in our head. That "Master Plan" we came up with when we were 10.

I'm sadden the moments I have no choice but to realize just how human I am.
OK - that sentence sounds weird. Like I think I'm a god or something, which I don't, but it's easy to forget. Its easy to get caught up in the day to day and lose sight of one fact that is always true. It will all work out exactly how it should. Period.

We really have very little to no control over most things and when we try to grab on it just makes us miserable because you can't hold it. Life is air or water - you can see it, you can feel it but you can never hold it in your hand, especially if you're trying to clutch it.

***This message is a reminder to me, because when I see the tall order that stands before me I want to crumble and fall***

Ah - moving... Let's me say this... it's a hell of a lot better than being bored all the time!

good night
aryn

ps - whoever searched the discovery channel thing... yup... that's me!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

It's not "OK"

It's not ok to show up at someones house unannounced
It's not ok to act like you know better than them
It's not ok to lie to show how right you really are not
It's not ok to disrupt the parenting of a child because you're scared of saying no
It's not ok talk down to me because I don't agree with you
It's not ok
It's not ok to pretend you don't
It's not ok to act like I haven't been around for 10 years
It's not ok to treat me like a child
It's not ok to talk about me behind my back then act as if I don't have ears
It's not ok

None of these things are ok and the fact you may think they're ok leads me to believe that you're not ok... in the head.

It's Wednesday Survey Day! (at least I'm now dubbing Wednesday survey day) ENJOY!

I haven't done one of these in a long while but my friend tagged me and a few others on it so I figured what the heck!



Q1. If you were a vampire, which celebrity would you first sink your teeth into?
A1. none of them - way to high maintenance. I'd turn someone who could do things for me that would prove useful, like a really great chef and then I'd have them host a big party and make a bunch of delicious food and I'd drug the food and eat the guests. 

Q2. What’s your middle name? No, not your real middle name, your MIDDLE name?
A2. Yum-tacular, which is uncomfortable when I'm talking with people other than my husband... yet even then it's slightly weird.

Q3. You’re stranded on an island. There’s a monkey with you there, but he’s not too chatty. You also have a ball at your disposal. A ship passes by, but it’s daylight. How will you attract their attention?
A3. Probably miss them due to the vast amount of sleeping I'd be doing. And I'll keep the money around simply because quiet company is always nice and we can practice volley ball on that nice beach. 

Q4. What are you secretly afraid of? And what are you REALLY afraid of?
A4. Have your read this blog? Secretly doesn't really apply. I'm afraid of falling to my death, but not dying, lingering in pain. And I hate beetles. 

Q5. Describe your best friend in five words?
A5. Tall. Funny. Smart. Awesomesauce. Peanutbutter.

Q6. What’s your current favourite song? What about the annoying one stuck in your head?
A6. Current favorite is a tie between You Are a Tourist by Death Cab for Cutie & Whirring by The Joy Formiable and annoying song in my head would be the Fresh Beat Band promo-spot on Nick Jr. "'Cause here we goooo"

Q7. What’s the last movie you watched? Was it good? (Fishing for recommendations.)
A7. The last movie I saw as Battlefield L.A. and I liked it, but I love cheesy movies. I'm a fan of almost all SyFy movies that involve hum/croc/shark hybrids that have to fight unicorns. 

This survey was brought to me by - Colin Andrews who's new book "Rising" was released this week! Go here and read the first 50 pages FOR FREE! http://www.colinandrews.info/main.html


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Rope Bridges.

Over these last few years I have spent a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror, reflecting on both who I was, and and who I want to be. At times this has sucked. At times finding out you're the problem really, really sucks. But at other times it's been wonderful.

Over all it's been wonderful, because even in the terrible moments when I started seeing patterns of insecurity manifesting into unhealthy obsession and whatever else, I've seen them. This means I can change them. So that's what I work on day in and out. I try to catch myself in these little, unhealthy, moments to make sure they don't get any worse and, in the end, to make them go away.

Essentially I've been cleaning out the closet of my soul. I find the more clutter I remove the clearer things become. Yes, I'm well aware that I have lots more to do, but that's because I'm still alive. As long as you are among the living, you have to keep working on yourself. Aspiring to be the best you that you can possibly be.

But just like discovering yourself you need to take care because you can become obsessed with making you into some other you... I try to look for signs. This helps me keep going... an example? Here you go.

A little while ago at the end of one of my classes I was discussing with a student what she does for a living. She commented that she was bouncing from one place to the next, different jobs, different everything - they're all good jobs and she's a smart cookie - but the're not really her. "But how many of us know what we're really meant to do? Very few I'd say." As the words left her lips I stood there thinking how true those words are and knowing that I have a pretty good idea of what I'm here for.

That was liberating. It still is when I think about it.

This transitional period I've been going through has been arduous. It has also been complicated, demanding, dubious, and incredible all at the same time. I guess I never assumed it would be going on this long. I mean, all the other transitions I've been through were a good year, maybe two tops! But since 2007 its been nonstop for me. Today I'm okay with that - let me rephrase - right NOW I'm okay with that.... in 10 minutes I may very well not be.

It's like I'm crossing this great chasm on one of those terribly unstable looking rope bridges. You know the kind I mean, the ones where the bad guy cuts the lines just as the good guy is half way across so he has to hold on and climb up the slats as it were a ladder, but it's not and it was never meant to hold his weight in that way! So the graying, splintery boards begin to crack and the good guy is holding on by HIS PINKY AND HES JUST SWAYING AND SWAYING AND SWAYING!!! AND THE BUY GUY IS LAUGHING! But he gets up to the top in the nick of time and then the bridge falls 10000000000000000000 feet. So far you can't even hear it hit the ground... But he's safe. He's safe.

Yeah... that kind of bridge. Here... Imagery.



Yup. That would be the one.

I think the moment I become comfortable with all this change will be the moment it stops, and then I'll be sad because out of every thing that I've learn - the one that stands out the most to me is that I like this churning. Sitting still I do nothing. I grow fat and lethargic. I meld with the nothing around me until you can't tell me from the wall. But, at the same time it would be nice to have peace of mind.

I know it's all going to work out - everything ALWAYS works out. Getting all up in arms about something I can't control is lame and getting all up in arms about something I initiated is just stupid.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm in the middle of that bridge and I'm seeing this in my head...

breathing... keep breathing...

See. This is one of those things I talk about with myself in that old mirror of mine. I stand there and lean in really close and after I stop criticizing myself for the lack of brow waxing going on in my life these days, I need to say, "It's your imagination, kid. Come on. Let's keep a little optimism here."

Optimism... it keeps me going. That and dreaming of Harrison Ford.

good night.
A

Monday, July 4, 2011

Just keep moving!

(I'm moving so fast I must be ON FIRE! I'm THAT hot baby!)

I made the decision to limit my down time, this may be suicide but I'm going for it. The reason behind this decision is that if I don't accomplish a certain amount of things a day I fall into panic mode and yes, life happens, I get that but the sooner this house is packed up the sooner this tightness in my chest will be gone.

At least that's the theory.

I also am going on a limited diet for the next few days. Tired of the upset stomach and having to drink pink sludge to get it to go away...

Goodbye peppers, garlic, onions and potatoes. Goodbye hot sauce, salt and pepper. Goodbye soy ice cream, coffee, tea and chocolate...

Hello boring and stomach friendly diet! Thank the gods I love me some fresh fruit! (and that its summer because there are only so many apples a girl can eat before she hates them - I already hate them...)

Today is the 4th of July. My husband is working and at some point I'm supposed to take my son to a child sized adventure park so he can finally go on his very own roller coaster! Woohoo! But that is at least an hour away, which means I can pack at least 1 box if not 2.
Besides that I'm going to edit more later. I'm almost on chapter 10, which is something and I'm not complaining because it means I'm still moving forward and no it may not be going as quickly as I'd like, but it IS still going!

So what's next for me this week of adventures? Dropping the car off for a few car repairs and (fingers crossed) buying another car and bidding adieu to my husbands 1999 Caviler. YUP! I found a car we can probably swing. I'm so excited I'm a little shaky... a 4 DOOR CAR! That means I won't have to hunch over to get my son in the back seat of the car - AND IT HAD CRUISE CONTROL - which will help my husband's led foot...

Wish me luck! I'm off to pack up some bowls and glasses! And eat something because it seems blueberries and oatmeal doesn't ever fill me up... ever. Even if I drink 30oz of water with it...

Legs don't fail me now! On your mark... get set... RUUUNNNN!!!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Attitude adjustment... CHECK!

Tell me this. How bad is my attitude, really?
I mean, I know it's pretty much crap. I'm not meditating at this point, I'd like to, but I'm doing the "I don't have time for that." Which, as a teacher, I know is a pile of crap.
There is always time - the problem is we tend to think doing nothing will make things better... which they don't.

That said, as I'm writing this, my printer is eating paper and NOT printing my story that I was going to edit by hand in bed due to the sever weather we're having.

See, the universe wants me to meditate...

I need to. I'm tired of this "poor me" attitude.

Truth - most people our victims. We just like to play one for sympathy sake... Ommmm...

Friday, July 1, 2011

I may not be Canadian, but I sure like to get pushy with my "a's"...

HAPPY CANADA DAY! Seeing that I'm American, I don't really know what that means... But I sure hope it's fun.

I'm doing a little better today. Took my son to a carnival where he asked to go on the rollercoaster but went on the Merry go Round instead. And as we spun in circles and I contemplated throwing up because circles make me sick, he turned and looked at me and said, "Look! It's a blast off!" How in the HELL did he see a airplane pluming that far off into the distance? My god he's got good eyes. Much unlike his mother.

Today I teach in the park, but before then I have to get some paperwork in order and clean up. I packed another box and separated out a bunch of stuff to be sold. I'm thinking the next garage sale will be the end of July and I'm going to have my in laws take my son so I can have the sale Thursday, Friday, Saturday AND Sunday!!

Still haven't had a second to write. Was up late working on event ideas to bring in some extra cash... I'm thinking...no, I'll surprise you!!

Today was better. I slept for 6 whole hours, woke once but it was for a moment and I was back to sleep. That is a good thing!

When I started this I felt I had more to say but my son is forcing himself to vomit for attention (that's pleasant) and I have a pizza in the oven.

Now! I demand you go out and drink some Canadian Beer and watch a Hockey game.
Then Monday, blow stuff up.

Ok.
bye.
a