I went to my first yoga class tonight in months.
As an instructor I should go more often, at least a few times a week - but life gets in the way - excuses roll out.
But regardless, I made it to class tonight.
The teacher, a wonderful woman who is also an artist in many facets of the word - writing, painting, just being - she said to let go. Over and over though out class, "Here, right now. Let your worries slip off of you into the floor." and "If there is anything left you're holding onto. Expetations of the future, baggage from the past, let it go" and finally "What is it that you can't let go of. What, are you afraid of."
What are you afraid of...
I don't know.
I couldn't answer that question. I couldn't be there in that moment and say it's this, that and the other thing bothering me. I still can't.
Is it money? No, we don't have much, but that's not going to stop us. We have friends and family who love us and know this is our dream and our passion and they're going to help us - best they can to get there.
Is it the security of a job? No, again - friends and family. Maybe I won't be running my own yoga gig like here but I'll still have a job.
what is it? I just don't know.
Why am I doing this stuff to myself? Am I getting trapped in the image of what I fell is expected of me... see, there is the real issue. Yes, I probably am. So here is the problem. I create these expectations of what life should be and when it doesn't feel like it's going to happen I freak out, break down, lose my mind.
I'm going to more yoga tomorrow morning with my friends and I can't wait. I need to just bust out of this stress and stop thinking about all of the crap that's not important. What's important is my practice, is my book, my child and my husband.
Perspective. I keep losing mine.
What a terrible shame.