Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Purgatory

There are many advantages and disadvantages to a large, cumbersome move. The idea of a new adventure is exciting, almost making me salivate at all the prospects that are sitting out there before me, but this limbo is driving me mad.

My house is an absolute disaster. Pulling apart dressers, closets, the attic and the basement. Organizing a garage sale, bake sale, mala beads & eye pillows, on top of ordering the moving truck, buying a new(ish) car and general life. For the first time ever, in a stressful situation, I'm gaining weight - which makes this even more stressful.

I haven't touched my book in a week. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I'm ignoring my best friends because I met a new controlling boyfriend that would let me associate with them and I'm still buying his crap because the sex is good.

Yes - this is what stress looks like.

But I'm trying to keep my eye on that prize and not look back - which is becoming increasingly hard as I'm meeting up with friends for our goodbye drinks... I don't know about you, but I know I take my friends for granted, it's become a prevalent fact of life as I sit across from them and look at them - really, really look at them - wondering when the next time this sort of meeting will happen.

It'll happen.
I won't be without my friends forever.
Soon I'll be a tourist destination and that will make winter exciting for them and the transition easier for us when they come and visit through out the winter.

These are all facts I tell myself as I look in the mirror I'm peeling off the wall to make my room appear larger than it may seem...

"You can do this Aryn." I say to myself.
You've been trying to leave since you were 19 old girl, you'll back out... just wait... you'll see
I hate that stupid voice in my head - showing me how much of a coward I can be...

That voice that haunts me... that mean and hateful voice that's a mixture of all of my insecurities layered over ex-friends, ex-boyfriend, family members, old teachers and others that told me I was stupid, weak and worthless - and for some STUPID ASS REASON I believed them...

That voice is the one who yammers in my ear at 3am, the one that helps panic attacks to take hold - keeping me in my 5 hour sleeping pattern. (with on bathroom break in the middle)

Oh I used to tell people I believed in heaven, but not hell because humankind can be so cruel - earth is hell I'd say. And I'd always add that there was no such thing as purgatory, but now I'm seeing I was wrong about that  - because that's what this is. Moving across the country on a wing and a prayer - that's purgatory.

Makes me wish I would have bought some indulgences...

2 comments:

  1. Oh, my friend! You can DO THIS!

    Look at your post again, but isolate the pros you listed. In this case, ignore the cons. Because once you get to your new home and are surrounded by salty air and the ocean's music with warm sand cushioning your toes, you'll find a new kind of peace.

    And like you said, goodbyes are never forever. They're just FOR NOW. I'm cheering you on, and helping you pack in spirit!! :)

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  2. You always cheer me up! On here, on twitter. You and a few others are like my little angels, sent to remind me how to smile as I dredge through the muck.

    I can't wait for that post, though. The salty air and ocean music post. I promise you it will come... today was, well, I blog about it in a bit! First dinner, than my tagged post and then TODAY in all of its glory! lol

    Thank you for the comment and the love!

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