Over these last few years I have spent a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror, reflecting on both who I was, and and who I want to be. At times this has sucked. At times finding out you're the problem really, really sucks. But at other times it's been wonderful.
Over all it's been wonderful, because even in the terrible moments when I started seeing patterns of insecurity manifesting into unhealthy obsession and whatever else, I've seen them. This means I can change them. So that's what I work on day in and out. I try to catch myself in these little, unhealthy, moments to make sure they don't get any worse and, in the end, to make them go away.
Essentially I've been cleaning out the closet of my soul. I find the more clutter I remove the clearer things become. Yes, I'm well aware that I have lots more to do, but that's because I'm still alive. As long as you are among the living, you have to keep working on yourself. Aspiring to be the best you that you can possibly be.
But just like discovering yourself you need to take care because you can become obsessed with making you into some other you... I try to look for signs. This helps me keep going... an example? Here you go.
A little while ago at the end of one of my classes I was discussing with a student what she does for a living. She commented that she was bouncing from one place to the next, different jobs, different everything - they're all good jobs and she's a smart cookie - but the're not really her. "But how many of us know what we're really meant to do? Very few I'd say." As the words left her lips I stood there thinking how true those words are and knowing that I have a pretty good idea of what I'm here for.
That was liberating. It still is when I think about it.
This transitional period I've been going through has been arduous. It has also been complicated, demanding, dubious, and incredible all at the same time. I guess I never assumed it would be going on this long. I mean, all the other transitions I've been through were a good year, maybe two tops! But since 2007 its been nonstop for me. Today I'm okay with that - let me rephrase - right NOW I'm okay with that.... in 10 minutes I may very well not be.
It's like I'm crossing this great chasm on one of those terribly unstable looking rope bridges. You know the kind I mean, the ones where the bad guy cuts the lines just as the good guy is half way across so he has to hold on and climb up the slats as it were a ladder, but it's not and it was never meant to hold his weight in that way! So the graying, splintery boards begin to crack and the good guy is holding on by HIS PINKY AND HES JUST SWAYING AND SWAYING AND SWAYING!!! AND THE BUY GUY IS LAUGHING! But he gets up to the top in the nick of time and then the bridge falls 10000000000000000000 feet. So far you can't even hear it hit the ground... But he's safe. He's safe.
Yeah... that kind of bridge. Here... Imagery.
Yup. That would be the one.
I think the moment I become comfortable with all this change will be the moment it stops, and then I'll be sad because out of every thing that I've learn - the one that stands out the most to me is that I like this churning. Sitting still I do nothing. I grow fat and lethargic. I meld with the nothing around me until you can't tell me from the wall. But, at the same time it would be nice to have peace of mind.
I know it's all going to work out - everything ALWAYS works out. Getting all up in arms about something I can't control is lame and getting all up in arms about something I initiated is just stupid.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm in the middle of that bridge and I'm seeing this in my head...
breathing... keep breathing...
See. This is one of those things I talk about with myself in that old mirror of mine. I stand there and lean in really close and after I stop criticizing myself for the lack of brow waxing going on in my life these days, I need to say, "It's your imagination, kid. Come on. Let's keep a little optimism here."
Optimism... it keeps me going. That and dreaming of Harrison Ford.