Friday, July 29, 2011

shambles....

It's all in shambles, this world I mean... isn't it? I think the best thing we did was to cancel cable. No longer being connected to a television has been liberating on a number of levels. I no longer have to feel forced into watching local news. I no longer have to care.

Like I said - shambles.

I no longer want to care because it renders me helpless. Yes, I'm that person who has to save everyone - but when you live like that you will surly lose yourself.

Even with out television, things bleed through. Murder, mayhem, theft and looting - congress is out of control. Our country is out of control. People like to say, "Back in a simpler time." but I don't believe there ever was a simpler time. Maybe more naive, but human nature is human nature - case in point would be In Cold Blood, written in 1966, torso murders which happened in the 1930, in general I can go back further and further until I start discussing Cain and Able, but it's all the same. No mater what side we are on, we feel we are better than the other side and the fight continues.

shambles...

But this has nothing to do with my move. The move is going... our house hasn't been seen by a single buyer and (as stated) we've cancelled cable to help save a little. After my series of breakdowns it has come to a point where I can't feel any more - or I will permanently be in shambles too.
Yesterday helped. There were a series of events that made me feel better about things - signs if you will. 4 of them, which is odd in itself because I've had "I'm looking over a 4 leaf clover" stuck in my head for days.

(for those of you who aren't familiar with this stunning tune dating back to the 40's - the refrain is
"I'm looking over, a 4 leaf clover, that I over looked before. One leaf is sunshine, the other is rain, third is the roses that grown in the lane. No need explaining the one remaining, is somebody I adore! I'm looking over, a 4 leaf clover, that I over looked before!" - so it's not the refrain, but I love it just the same)

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, picture the life I want to have for me and my family, and then keep moving. On days I write this is a lot simpler, I days I don't I'm a crabby mess (shambles). I haven't written in 2 days. I should go up now and write, maybe I will, but I have to wait to pull some bread out of the oven.

I know what you're thinking... the reason I can't write is because of the bake sale - something I created for ME to do. It's another classic case of Aryn self sabotage... but isn't that the case for all things in life? I'm not intentionally setting out to sabotage, but I made less than $100 this week and I'm trying to make $2000 for the trip - this means I have to work "different" because its hard.
It's hard with my son because he's with me all day and then I work in the evenings and my husband wants to chit-chat and my friends want me to hang out.

I just want to write.

May sound terribly cruel and selfish, but I'm fine with that.
I'm fine with it.

Congress is fine with dancing to the wrong tune
Local news is fine with smiling about death

I'm fine with wanting to write... ALL the time.

I love it. I LOVE IT! And I want to be as good at it as I am at making brownies or teaching yoga... Oh I do.Oh I am...

There is no point to this post, outside of the fact that I wanted to post something. I should pose a question, and then just post the answer... maybe one day. But for now, the timer is beeping and that means my bread is done. Off to bed - tomorrow I need to make pumpkin bread and lots of cookies... maybe I'll write tomorrow.

Maybe congress will get their collective head out of their collective ass too.

Maybe it'll stop being shambles...

...maybe...

2 comments:

  1. Sitting here reading this, and I can actually smell the fresh bread baking! I love that you have so many outlets for your creativity. And I'm just like you, I get cranky when I don't write. At least I used to be like that. Lately, I've been lazy and haven't been writing. But bit by bit each day I itch a little more to do it. So hopefully soon I'll have to scratch because it will be unbearable. Hope you get to write today! And YUM. Pumpkin bread. Mmmmm. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Days I don't write are sad days... lol. I just need to keep going until I get to a point where I can write every day. I'll get there :)

    Hugs to you!!!

    ReplyDelete