Wednesday, August 24, 2011

October 12th

Well, I suppose I've been ignoring here. I think I've been ignoring a lot... not intentionally, but writing is so black and white... hm... Things are still moving forward, that's something nice to report. We have not sold the house, but we've had a few garage sales, and are still leaving so that's an accomplishment in my humble opinion! The date was moved back, but over all it's worth it in the long run.

October 12-15th - those are the newly set departure dates. Whole lot to do, but I have faith it will happen, and I do have faith. I've come to this conclusion that what is there to really worry about? I'm not worried any more. Everything happens for a reason and everything works out over time. If you really want something to happen, it'll happen.

If you don't
If you let your faith wane...
If you look for excuses

That's when it doesn't work.

The fastest way out is through - We've been at this for so long now it's become frustrating, but the reality is we're so very, very close to the finish line that stopping, giving up - that's what crazy talk looks like.

I'll tell you this, if you have a dream, if there's something you really want to do in life but you keep finding excuses, don't be afraid to persue your dreams because someone you know failed at theirs.

They're not you. Your mom, dad, brother, sister, best friend, girl/boy friend, husband/wife, lover, ex - all of them - are NOT you. It's hard work, but what in life isn't? Any relationship you have, regardless, is hard work. Anything that is worth having is hard work - easy isn't always right - sometimes it's just easy.

Yes, just because you can, doesn't mean  you should and just because it's difficult doesn't mean you should throw in the towel.

Have crazy nights with wake-up calls at 3am that make you think you're losing your mind, because you're not. Stress isn't always a bad thing and life is too short to sit in a cubicle collecting a paycheck because you're to bloody scare to let the safety net go.

One thing this economy should have taught you by now is that there IS no safety net.
If you're worried someone is going to judge you, know they are and say screw it anyway - and then realize you may be hyper sensitive to this course of thinking because YOU may be judging people around you. It's a defense mechanism. I've been there - I'm still there at times.
If you aren't following your dreams because of these things => money, insurance, housing, food, location, friend, family - think about it. Are they really your friends if they tell you that your dreams are worthless? Is a house really worth your dream? Does your local government provide FREE health care if you're below a certain pay grade (because most do)? Is it food? There are many ways to get food in your house for low to no cost, plus rice and beans = cheap and healthy.

What are your excuses?
You don't have time? Turn off the TV
Your significant other? Talk to them and explain what you want, bet they'll be ok with it.
Money? Research it - bet there's a way around it...

Yes, there are times it sucks. There are times that I cry, there are times I shut down and can't even THINK because if I do I freak the hell out and why? Because I'm scared.

I'm scared I'm going to fail
I'm terrified I'm going to succeed...

I'm scared of all the unknowns, but as the dates grow closer... as the tickets, cars, and trucks are ordered, boxes are packed, sales are had... As this all happens I can feel it.. right there in my belly and in my chest right by my heart...

Before I said I was TRYING to believe in miracles.
I do now. I believe the universe is looking out for me, my husband, my son. I believe it because I have met some amazing people and reconnected with some others who have shown me what it can be like. I believe because of the signs around me. I believe because the more I follow my heart and listen to my gut the happier I am.

I don't mean to avoid here, this blog, or my other one.
I don't mean to only post when I'm upset or scared or tired...
But I do mean everything I'm saying right now. Life is meant to be lived. If you are one of those people who say, "Oh no Monday is here again" and "Woohoo it's finally friday, now I can DO what I WANT." I think you should question why you're doing what you're doing at all.

The choices we make define who we are, what our life is and what we leave behind. If you don't like the life you have, choose to change it. And no 'but's.. thats an excuses.
You can miss TV
You can skip a beer
You can get a divorce, dump someone, etc
You can quit your job - in the end it's up to you.

Just you. And you know what? You really are the only person you live with your entire life, everyone else will come in and leave. Its just the nature of things. Nothing to be afraid of. It just is what it is, so why not be who you are?

We decided to take this week "off" and let all the stress slip away for a bit, so I'm going to go do that. I'm going to go watch TV with my son and not read and not write and not plan... I'm just going to be me in this moment and smile.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Gambler

How can you not trust a man with so much facial hair?

This has been a long process, and that's putting it mildly. The reality is, well, reality sucks. You sit and you plan and then the gods reach down from their lofty perch and pluck away at your will with inconvenience and hiccups.  That's when the lyrics to "The Gambler" suddenly make sense in your life.

When is it time to hold on and when is it time to let go - and walk away.

It's time. It's time for us to walk away and be down with this sorted mess. The economy is not our friend. The political climate is not in our favor. Robin Hood hasn't arrived, yet. And even if he does, I don't see him visiting my door step, there are others that need him more than we do. But alas...

Packing has begun early and we're taking these matters into our own hands. The ways of old are over and the future is at hand. "You have to know when to walk away" and then of course "You've got to know when to run."

It's really time for us to run.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

buzz the earth

buzz the earth
just so
pull up
push off
pierce the sky
of blue & white
leave the green behind
buzz the earth
& let it go
& let go

Saturday, August 13, 2011

A stressful adventure, indeed.

Practicing faith and patience is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I don't think I realized how controlled I've kept my life, even the moments where I let myself run rampant across the plains of life screaming and running and being silly.

I tell my students that faith is the one thing you need the most when it's hardest to hold on to.

At 3am, oh 3am how you're back to haunt me, faith is me pleading with the ceiling and praying to anyone and everyone and then apologizing for my pleas of help and the want of relief. This uncertainty is so difficult. I want to take the easy way out - SO BAD - because there is an easy way, but I'm the only one that wants to take that path. Sharing this adventure... yes, this is a shared adventure filled with peril and pits of pythons. Indiana Jones has nothing on us this time around.

No my dress may not be as glamours as Marianne's but it's pretty enough and I may not be able to drink mongols under the bar, but I can hold my own and my husband may not have a fedora but let me tell you - our Short Round is adorable.

The stress is begining to take it's toll. Ah... beginning is probably not the truth. I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take. Things being shut off, our funds are low and I just don't have answers.

Like I said - faith.

I have no answers and I don't know how to make this better any longer. All I can do is pray and that's what I do. I pray longer and harder than I ever have in my entire life and I'm not even sure I deserve to have my prayers answered, even though I hope that I do.

We're just over a month out and I don't even have the container booked to pack up our house.
The people who were supposed to drive out with us to help with the cost are saying they can't.
The house hasn't sold.
My classes are dwindling...


I believe in miracles,  I do. I do.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


We're having a showing today. The 1st one since the house has been put on the market. It's this evening at 6pm. Today I have to work and then I supposed I should clean, right now I'm crabby because I didn't get to write last night. It's my own fault, I should know better than to concede to lunacy.

I allow my guilt to get in the way. Guilt for things that have nothing to do with me.
The reality of the situation is that I'm with my son all day, so I can't write and then I teach, so I can't write - so the only time I can write is at night - but then my husband comes home, so I feel guilty.

All these things are excuses, that's all.

I never have any time alone - the only time is Sunday evenings IF my husband goes out. Never having time alone is begin to take it's toll. Most days I just want to scream. Hell, I can't even go to the bathroom alone, so how the hell can I write?
I don't remember the last time I went someplace by myself that wasn't to work or to pay a bill.
I used to go to movies alone.
Running or walking in the parks.

I think what sucks the most is that I feel like if I even suggest I get time to myself that I'll be looked down upon. But the reality is becoming clear how much I just don't care.

I'm tired of waiting for people to realize that I can't carry all of this shit.

Whatever, right? It's all just more excuses.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

just keep on selling!

I am totally beat to hell. After 3 days of hosting a garage sale, on top of the bake sale (that's another week of prep) I'm ready to call it quits. Well, my body is.
My back hurts, my feet are killing me and sales were pretty good. Between the bake sale and the moving sale we've made over $400 and we still have tomorrow.

This process will be repeated in two weeks - not even joking a little - but I'll say this. It's made me appreciative.

This goal of ours, moving to Los Angeles and following our dreams, its a hard sell in this economic climate. Most are just trying to hang on. The middle class is almost non-existant and the upper class seems colder from this view. The stock market keeps making the rides at Cedar Point looked pale in comparison with it's dropping dividend. And when you wrap it all up in a nice little ball suddenly doing something like "chasing your dreams" sounds like a fools errand.

I understand that way of thinking and I understand life can be a cruel game at times, but I'm excited and happy all the way down to my toes and everywhere in between.

Over these 3 days I've met some amazing people - our biggest sales were by people buying gifts for others. They were nice, smiled a lot, were willing to hug a few times and even a joke or two.

We can give up on a lot of things in this life. People, jobs, husbands and wives - we can wave a careless hand at the government and congresses need to not see the real picture - but when you get down to the nitty gritty., when you take the time to say "Hey, how are you?" you'll find that people really aren't so bad.

The amount of support we've had, emotional support by people I haven't seen in 20 years, by family members, by strangers - is outstanding. If you ever think you can't, if you ever think you're alone, if you ever think that this is "it" - it's not. Know you may not see it, but there are people there that care and they care by the truck load.

I am grateful for these aching feet and this sore back because in getting to a point where I'm so tired I could spit, I've also gained a new view of this journey - and it's beautiful.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The sale is almost here!

I've been eating crap for the last few weeks and am to a point I refuse to step on a scale... I figure after a week or two of salads and no late night eating I'll take that venture, but for now I'll pretend my clothes fit well.

The sale is in 2 days, and I've spent the day baking and making signs. I've also been lost in a world of Ayn Rand - enjoying Atlas Shrugged, enjoying editing late at night, still wish I had more time, but I'm grateful for the time I do have.

I teach tonight at 6:30 in the park.... it's rather gray... I hope it will pass or I have to go to the building, well, I don't HAVE to, but I will because I don't feel like missing work. At this stage of the game, missing work is plain irresponsible. But to have a night off... how nice would that be? Mmm.... delightful.

A friend of ours is visiting an apartment today for us. Fingers crossed. Hoping its nice because its in walking distance of a lot of places I can get a job.Just something to get us by until we find what we want, well, what I want - husband is in a nice position - I, on the other hand, am not sure if I'll be teaching, writing, or selling subs at blimpy's...

It'll work itself out and it'll be great. I honestly can't wait.
So many new adventures to be had, and they all start really soon!