Friday, September 30, 2011

The Soundtrack of My Life "Winter Winds" Mumford & Sons

I think at this point everyone pretty much knows who Mumford and Sons is. My husband turned me onto them with their song "Little Lion Man" - the song that changed the love song.

At the time I was working at a pole dancing studio, teaching yoga in the mornings three days a week. They had an elliptical and I came in at 4:45am so I could get in a 45-60 minute workout before my students arrived, and just before I set foot on the machine I set up my Mumford and Sons channel on Pandora and listened to the folky rock music that makes them the unique voice that they are.

It was winter, blistery cold and the song seemed to run through me as I huffed to get past 30 minutes on that god awful machine (yes I'm the person who hates the bloody elliptical - I'd much rather run or practice yoga asana).  The studio was silent and as I listened to that song I consciously decided to give folk music a second chance in my life... now I swear indie and folk is all I ever really listen too...

When I finally conned someone to burn me a copy of "Sigh No More" I immediately became close friends with all 12 songs filling the album.  Now, I even play "Awake My Soul" at the end of some of my yoga classes... but somehow "Winters Winds" is the song of a lost memory. A surrendered emotion that has, rightfully, been buried in my past because I've grown up, I've had a child - I've been with my husband for 10 years. Happily.

Yes, I've had my heart broken in those 10 years, that is true - but it's not the same kind of heart break you feel when you love someone and they dump you... when you're whole person is fighting with itself because they want you back, but you know it'll be the same as before. Your right mind saying one thing, your heart feeling another - and knowing that you will never feel that touch, kiss - that sensation - ever again. The confusion and loss of expanding, moving forward, and dealing with what you have to leave behind to do so. (and all the mistakes we make in between when we live in the shallow uncertainty of despair and regret... refusing to realize the physical comforts can't fill the void... all you can do is wait the time, rebuild and move on.)

That is on reason why this song makes the list.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a sadist. I'm not sitting around wishing and hoping to feel my heart split in two, to lose 30 lbs because I haven't eaten in 2 weeks, to cry non-stop. No thank you. I'm very happy with being... well... happy - BUT - as a writer - it's sometimes important to be reminded of these feelings so they can be reflected in your characters lives.

This song makes me remember. It shows me, again, the process of that loss. Of throwing two people together, intertwining their lives - their bodies, their souls - and what happens when one person says no, and walks away.

It's the reasoning from one verse to the next. They meet. He knows they shouldn't. They rationalize. He knows they shouldn't. He accepts the truth, it was a rebound. And then...

"...And if your strife strikes at your sleep
                                                  Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends..."

That, right there, that's the truth. 

Sometimes, yes, I need to be reminded  what that feels like - but regardless - there is a second reason this song made this list and it's this last verse and it's meaning to me.

When life, when it all goes so wrong it haunts you and you can't sleep... remember this - time waits for no one. Everything changes. And spring will be here again, and you will smile again.

The winter winds coats the land with ice and snow. Drives us into our homes, away from so many things. When it's -50* with the windchill and it's been like that for two months, it's hard to remember what July felt like with the sun so bright, but in a few months it's over... 

Enjoy Mumford and Sons, "Winter Winds"

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

22 Days

22 days.
We talked about doing this for years, and now we're at 22 days.
Emotions are mixed and seeing that last night I slept terribly... I'm feeling anxious today.
All I do is pack but it's never ending. People tell me to "take a day off" or to "relax" but I can't. Not with all this hanging over my head.

I have a garage full of yard sale items.
A yard sale to host, but I'm not ready for.
I have items on craigs list, but now can't find part of the items listed to sell and the ones I do have people don't want to pay what I listed - which is super low as it is (everything is 50-75% below it's list price)

My son's room is a mess and cluttered and he has a birthday in a week, so it'll only get worse.
My bathroom is a sea of products littering the floor, and my hall closets haven't even been touch...
Plus the kitchen, our bedroom... It's never endings.

Yes 22 days is short, and 22 days is long - but 14 my husband leaves and that means almost no breaks with my son - which means I won't get anything accomplished at all. Trying to pack with a 3 year old isn't easy because, as it turns out, packing isn't fun OR entertaining... who knew?

(and just so you know, he's currently wrapped up in pink packing foam sheets next to the computer I'm writing this on.... )

Yup... so that means this post is done and I have to figure out how to make packing not only interesting but fun...

By October 30th I'll be in L.A. and then a whole new cycle begins... unpacking... figuring out our new patterns and who knows what. I try to keep that in mind, because times waits for no one, least of all me. Which is fine, but I wish it would lend a hand every now and then too...

Sunday, September 25, 2011

And let it begin...

In 25 days I will be on the road heading towards Dayton. At this point I'll probably just outside of Columbus getting ready to head west.

The count down has been ticking in my head for a long time, but today it sounds like a boot kicking the side of an empty metal trash can. The reverb hums in my ears as each second passes leading to the next, boom, boom, boom...

Physically, I'm on my way out. I sleep less and less every night. It's not due to lack of weariness, but I wake halfway through the night and a litany of things flood my brain.
It's not like before, when I would obsess over $$ and jobs, now it's a list of what I need to pack, what I need to sell/give away, what am I going to do with my cat?? And then I'm awake... wide awake...

Each day is one step closer to moving forward with the next chapter of our lives, just as each day is a step away from our past here in this town, in these bars, in this life - in Cleveland. Most of the days (now) I merely keep my eyes on the next chapter. The past is over and it is what it is, or was what it was - but tomorrow is fresh an new.

But there are times, when things... when people... they make you feel terrible for choosing to be who you need to be and in their eyes, over them.

This makes me look at myself a lot. It makes me study how I act with my friends. It has forced me to concentrate on the words, every single one of them, that comes out of my mouth - or the ones I choose not to speak at all. We hold power, and most of us don't even realize that we do. We can say I love you and rise above - or we can say "you'll fail" to sink those around us below, where we perceive ourselves to be.

25 days isn't even a month - it's a blip on the calendar. You're looking at Halloween, as am I, but by Halloween I will be one year older and living with a zip code that begins with a 9.

25 days of boxes
25 days of texts and phone calls
25 days of planning
25 days of saying good bye

and 25 days till I finally say hello to everything else.

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Soundtrack of My Life, "Whirring"

First, I need you to know I thought today was Thursday... whoops.
Second, this song makes me miss, desperately, being in a band.

"Turn the dial on my words, 
I can feel they fall short
                                                     Turn the dial, chime alarm, chime alarm
Watch these hands move apart, 
turn the dial on my words"

There is a beauty that is the "song." 
It takes two great and powerful things - musics & poetry - and combines them. 
Two things that make you think, feel, breathe, ache, cry, hate - love - and tumbles them together. Interweaving the want of one and the need of the other until they make love, rushing into each other - converge. This, these songs, these ideas - that is music. 

The Soundtrack of My Life is mixing the sound of my emotions with the words of my heart. 
That's what music is - it is the essence of ones soul. 
It is art. 
It is beauty. 
It... it is perfection. 

And I give you The Joy Formidable - "Whirring"

The music of this song is infectious. But there are many songs that are infectious, so why is this special? The tune... makes your toe tap, and then it makes your head bob. Then you're standing, and it makes your feet leave the ground, it makes you - breathe. 
This is a song that is contagious, but that day you finally stop and listen to the lyrics.. that's when you realize the words, they paint... you. 

They paint me.

They do... 

This band is 3 pieces - that's it. 

"This much delight fills columns to new heights
                                              All these things about me, you never can tell..."

Everyone wants two guitars and a base, and a key board, and the rhythm section (with a drum kit and someone on tambourine) and the lead vocals, plus two back up singers... (what are you? the partridge family?)

They are but three people... three. 


                                              "Colors run prime, paint a picture so bright
All these things about me you never can tell"

This song snuck up on me. I was listing to a college radio station and found myself Shazming it as I drove to work. I had a chance to see them live but didn't make the show, and for that, I am sad... this song.. I love this song.

I know the others were directly linked to the specific moment I'm was having RIGHT THEN. 
The move is pending. 
I'm losing my mind. 
One of my BF's is sad, AND I can't fix it... 

I'm leaving... 

"You make me sleep so badly invisible friend"

I guess part of it make sense. 
My Invisible Friend is haunting me so much that I have succumbed to drinking some wine in order to - LET GO.  

                                        "Turn the dial on my words, I can feel they fall short
Turn the dial, chime alarm, chime alarm
Watch these hands move apart
Turn the dial on my words"
I can see you staying here...

There is the world out there. One I pretend isn't there. One that whispers in my ear, when I am weak and doubt can seep through... 

"Fierce steps shadow, life's will gone shallow
                                               All these things about me you never can tell    
                                               You make me sleep so badly invisible friend
                                               You make me sleep so badly invisible friend"             

There is a world out there that tells you that you are too old. That you are too ugly. That you are too this. That you are too that.

It's all in our head.
It's all in my head....
It's all in OUR heads.

"You make me sleep so badly invisible friend."

"Turn the dial on my words
I can feel they fall short
Turn the dial, chime alarm, chime along
Watch these hands move apart
Turn the dial on my words
I can see you staying here...

There is this bit about life... it tells you that you need to live and you need to live for right now.
Inside you....
Inside me...
there is purpose....
there is a REASON...

What do you want?

When I was 17 I went to New York City and I knew then that I never belonged here, in my home... 
But I stayed...

Now I'm standing up and I'm saying "It's time"

My invisible friends is the guilt I have laid on myself for not following my dreams. 
"I can see you staying here..." because it's easy...

Life is too short... is too short...

All those excuses
All those "reasons" WHY

It's too short - and they're just excuses.

I can see you staying here.................................................................................. no you can't... 

Monday, September 19, 2011

MeMe Survey (A Once a Month MONDAY Staple)

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. “...have their own functions to carry out, but there should be...”

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. Yeah. Look like I'm trying to high five the invisible swordsman...

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Bob the Builder (CAN WE FIX IT?) Bob the Bulider (YES WE CAN!)

4. Without looking, guess what time it is. Yeah.. its afternoon, yet not evening. Who cares really? It's just TIME... it doesn't own me.

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
(***it doesn't own me***)

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Cars, child fake sneezing & singing Bob the Builder theme...

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Yesterday, chasing bad guys in my super hero garb. Jealous? Yes you are... yeessss you arrreee.....

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? Don't judge me.

9. What are you wearing? A kilt

10. Did you dream last night? Don't remember, if I did I've forgotten and if I've forgotten its because it was another chasing dream... AH! STRESS!

11. When did you last laugh? Earlier!

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? My (our) inspiration bulletin board. Nothing else, it's all packed.

13. Seen anything weird lately? Angler fish.... creepy, creepy angler fish

14. What do you think of this quiz? I was hoping for something wittier, but seeing I randomly copied this off another blog with the sole intention of tagging some peeps I guess the only person I can blame for its nature is myself. Maybe I should have kept looking? Maybe the moon landing never really happened? Maybe this isn't even me? Maybe, just MAYBE, I'm asking too many questions... maybe...

15. What is the last film you saw? In the theater was Rise of the Planet of the Apes. (Still rooting for the apes) At home - Forks over Knives

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? A car, no two cars (Subaru Outback & a Subaru Forster). And I'd pay off my bills and pay my rent for a year in L.A. and I WRITE FULL TIME! Then I'd get a job. (A JOB AT BEING A PUBLISHED BOOK AUTHOR!!)

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know. When I was 6 or 7 I was convinced I had been brought here by a different planet and one day the aliens would come to take me home. (seriously. not making that up. still kinda waiting)

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? Cattle farming and animal consumption. I'd end it and give all that grain to the countries that needed it, let the cows go live out their lives.

19. Do you like to dance? Do birds like to fly? DO DOGS LIKE TO BARK? yes.

20. Obama - Loaded question

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Nina Victoria, but my first child wasn't a girl and I was told I wasn't allowed to name my son Nino Victor... so... yeah.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? ...hmm... Alexander.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad? Yes. Yes. & Yes.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates? Told you I was real...

25. 3 people you would like to see do this meme in their journal: I would like Ms. @AgHowardWrites (blog) - @GaePol (blog) - @Carissa_Elg (blog) & anyone else that would like to join in! If you do, let me know so I can read it!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

A case of the crazies

There are these moments.
Small in size, but large in effect...
They creep up on me in the dead of night, or even in the middle of an afternoon walk.

My heart begins to race and my hands and feet grow sweaty and I can't think a complete sentence through without fear grabbing hold and trying to drag me down.

Yes, that's right, I have a good case of the crazies, this is something I've come to understand - at least the logical side of me does. It sits very still and with judicious intent and accepts the fact that the OTHER side of me is not plain Jane, so direct and true, no she is Bertha mad as a hatter, and she is setting fire to my resolve. Yes, yes... with her rats nest hair and dancing imbalanced eyes - my case of the crazies is making me tap dance around what I know to be true - all will be fine. Because it really will...

Emotional tidal waves wash over me eroding what little discipline I have left. My nights have grown sleepless and the digits to our departure are now only double - and at the low end of the countdown. I blame everything for my wide eyes at 3am, but the truth. I'm scared.

I'm so scared it's not even funny.

This is very hard for me to say on here... oh pride how you like to muck up every day human nature...

But that's what it is.

I KNOW... we'll be fine.
I KNOW... we are doing the right thing.
I KNOW... in the end it is the right decision and the BEST and most HONEST decision I've ever made in my life - but I'm freaking scared.

We watch people, with the most honest of intent, tell us "You'll be back. Just you wait and see." and after a while you begin to let that whine seep through - you see the failure before you ever see the prize.

My Plain Jane side of me abhors this dereliction of character.
She knows her mind, her heart and her soul.
She KNOWS what is to be done, needs to be done - she knows because NOT doing this would be like eating pancakes WITHOUT maple syrup for the rest... of... my... life...

Which is "OK", but who wants just OK?

Ahh... and there it is - the counter fire the burns just a few degrees hotter than that case of the crazies... it burns through my fingers and down my spine and it smolders in my heart. In a booming voice with a hand raised in a fist, she screams to the skies "I will not be defeated. You'll see... you'll see."

Admitting my fear has grown it hard.
Admitting you're human always is.... but I think it is a much bigger burden to pretend you're not.
Admitting I'm scared goes along with all of this - because I've heard from so many of you with such great encouragement, yet my crazies linger on the "You'll be back. Just you wait and see." comments.

Humanity sucks.
Fallibility is hard.

But admitting it is liberating.
And letting it go is essential.

My logical side is to honest and to pure to allow the marred bewildered crazy woman call out too often. I think she let's her come out at all just to reassure all of me that there is a certain amount of strength inside my heart that nothing can destroy.

I think tonight I will finally sleep, and tomorrow I will pack some more.
Life won't wait now will it? So what am I waiting for? An invitation?

Pretty sure I got that already...

I suppose for now I'll be okay... you know, until the next time I get a good old case of the crazies...

Friday, September 16, 2011

The Soundtrack of My Life, "My Life"

I think the most liberating part of this journey has been gaining the knowledge of what and who is and isn't important. Some of these discoveries have come in fleeting thoughts, others have been raked out over the coals, but all of them have made me stronger.

"I never said I was a victim of circumstance..." I'm not. These are my choices. This life, who is in it - my choices. My life.

The "They's" in this world, those who like to hand out their opinion without thought or provocation. Those people who are the first to open their mouths and the last to shut them. They usually don't know what they're even talking about - but they must be right. (even if they're arguing the same side of the point you're arguing...) Those people are the speed bumps in life that we want to punch in the face, but in reality they make us slow down long enough to think about what we're doing - is it right? Are we wrong? Or are they just filled with a lot of salt and vinegar and want to rain on your parade?

Originally this song wasn't on my list, but there I was yesterday driving to teach some of my wonderful students and it came on the radio. "My Life" by Billy Joel - Now, if you're my age, you may know this song as the "Theme of Bosom Buddies" and if you're not... well, that's a little sad. Bosom Buddies was a great show (that launched the career of one Tom Hanks...)

"Got a call from an old friend we'd used to be real close; said he couldn't go on the American way. Closed the shop, sold the house, bought a ticket to the west coast, now he gives them a stand-up routine in L.A."

How is that NOT a perfect opening to my life? No, I don't want to do stand up (ever - honestly I'm just TOO funny to do it... HA!) But there is truth to that one line, "said he couldn't go on the American way." Yes, the "American Way" is debatable in this day and age, but there is this ideology in the U.S. that included a 9-5 job, house with a picket fence, kids, a pet and a spouse. "The American Dream" that snags our personal dreams and convinces people they need to have this or that to BE someone they're really not... Silly, right?

But it has risen in topic once or twice when I drop the L.A. Bomb on friends/family/students. "Why would you want to go there?" Like we decided to move to the 7th ring of Dante's cone shaped hell. Well, why not? I look at people who move into these neighborhoods where the houses all look the same and wonder if they ever get drunk and go to the wrong house at night. (I really do) But if that's what makes them happy then, who am I to judge?

You  have a house here. You have jobs. Yes we do, but we're not happy. How can you be truly happy when you don't at least TRY for your dreams? I don't know... and then I judge you as you judge me and the circle keeps going....

"They will tell you, you can't sleep alone in a strange place, then they'll tell you, you can't sleep with somebody else. Ah, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space, either way it's okay to wake up with yourself..."

But that's the reality. All in one moment you suddenly realize that it comes down to you.

I tell people about this trip, this move, this MASSIVE change in my (& my family's) life. Secretly inside of me I hope for exuberance, but I wait for pessimism. I wait to be told that I'm making a mistake - but over all, 95% of people I've spoken with have been amazingly supportive. Either way... it doesn't matter. What matters is that I believe in my heart of hearts this is the right thing.

And it is, because at the end of the day, at the end of our lives there is only one person we have to contend with, and that is ourselves. If we can't love ourselves, and believe in ourselves NOW... what makes us believe when judgement day comes we'll be able to look in the mirror?

"I never said you had to offer me a second chance... I never said you had to
I never said I was a victim of circumstance... Of circumstance
I still belong... still belong

Don't get me wrong... get me wrong
You can speak your mind
But not on my time"

To all those out there that have been supportive of us - thank you.
To all those out there who haven't - thank you too. You both have made me look and realize that I need to listen more and talk less.

I look at life like this. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.
If we're meant to be friends, we'll be friends.
The past is over - and it doesn't define me, because with each new day I have a second chance.
The future isn't certain - so I have to live this moment how I see fit, even if that means ignoring people I care about to stay in a positive frame of mine.

This really is my life... just like you, right there reading this, that is your life.
Go ahead with it. Don't wait for me. Don't wait for anyone, because life won't wait for you... it just won't.

All those excuses that end with, "...I'll start tomorrow." There's never a perfect moment, just this one. So if you want to pack up shop and move - you've just given me another destination to travel to.

Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone....
keep it to yourself its my life....
keep it to yourself its my life...

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

...another day...

Currently my husband and I are obsessed with Friday Night Lights. If you haven't seen this show yet, you really should check out the boxsets. It was cancelled, which is a terrible thing.
It's terrible because this is some of the best writing I've seen on TV in years. It's terrible because it's some of the best acting I've seen in years. It's terrible because I find myself watching 4 episodes in a row and not writing.

After watching a mini-marathon last night (the finale of season 1 and the first 4 episodes of season 2 - not kidding) it made me love the show more - even though I question one story line... THAT SAID - as I sat there watching the end of one season to the beginning of the next and saw the gap of 9 months they didn't talk about, I could help but think of our lives and this move.

This move - this time - is the time that is left out of Television, Movies & Books. And why? Because it's slow and boring and trying and scary. We, the viewer/reader, like the cause and then the effect - the finished point in time when all thing come together and BAM - there you have it.

We decided to move (a while back) and SOON we'll be in L.A. - but for now we're in that "9 Months". The gestation of our move. The packing/ unpacking, selling/ buying, planning/ crying - portion of the journey that rakes you over the coals day after day (and gives you a flipping skin condition you cant seem to clear up with anything and I MEAN ANYTHING on the planet...)

Buddha has a 1000 quotes about "life is the journey" and this journey has been enlightening on many levels. I've learned that over time I would like to own my own studio. I've learned that I want to write and become a published author more than owning that studio. I've learned a lot about people - what they're willing to give and what they're not. I've learned that when old friends reappear and new fade - it says something about them and about you...

This journey of 10,000 steps (or 21,590,000) has ripped down walls and lifted boundaries and shown me - me. It has shown me what I can live without & what I refuse too. It has shown me that this economy is terrible and you can't let something like a terrible economy squash your dreams. It has shown me that dreams are more important that that "job" you have to pay for that mortgage... It has shown me so much about me, about my family, about what people really think about me and who the people I can count on - even if I don't see them for the next 10 years.

When I write stories, when you sit down and plan out the path your character will take, you play god with his or her life. You create that river bed and lay out the rocks, snags, ditches, shallow points, ridges, twists and turns - you cut out the gestation period to keep it interesting - to keep the questions coming, to keep your readers/viewers coming back for more.

In life, when you write your own story, you're the one in the boat, navigating through all those rocks, snags, ditches, shallow points, ridges, twists and turns - and yes - its your life and yes you can create or destroy that river bed, but - you have to wait through every second of every minute of every day, regardless of how stressful, boring and slow it can be... you get to be the traveler.

Travel well.
Travel light.
Let things go that don't matter.
Don't chase after dead relationships - they died for a reason.

And realize that we may want to delete these drawn out moments, but they're the the moments that build us into the person we choose to be.

And know that tonight I'll be watching the next 4 episodes of Friday Night Lights - Season Two. SO DON'T CALL ME I WON'T ANSWER!

I'll tell you what Riggins would do... but then I'd ruin it for you...

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Soundtrack of my Life - "Float On"

Now, if I was doing the soundtrack of my life back in High School, I'm sure these posts would be littered with Operation Ivy and Nirvana... maybe even a few local bands and one or two poppy songs that I never admitted to my friends that I liked. (I was going to say like "Mr. Jones" but I think I openly liked Counting Crows... it was SO LONG ago... can't really remember). And if it was circa 2000 and I was going through my divorce I'd toss the Peter Gabriel "When I'm falling" tune out there for all to listen too and examine...
But since it's not 1994 and I'm not 25 and going through a divorce. While I still listen to Operation Ivy, Nirvana, Counting Crows & even that Peter Gabriel - I'm sticking to songs that seemingly appear and stick to my bones like glues...

Because that's what music does. It penetrates our epidermis and seeps into our bones until the vibrations force us to accept the truth - music is the soundless poetry that illuminates our lives.

This weeks pick is brought to you by Modest Most and is called "Float On"

Not sure how it fell into my lap. One day I was creating a playlist for class and there it was on my computer - singing to me.

This time has been so stressful. Stress is so perverse, it warps how we see things - ourselves, the actual situations that are happening in our lives, everything in between. It causes us to eat terribly or not to eat at all. It pushes us to worry about things we would otherwise ignore. All sorts of mundane things, like gas in the car or broken mufflers. Let's be honest, if it's empty - fill it. If it's broken - fix it. Not rocket science... but stress makes it into a mountain of an issue because you can't see straight.

Float on...

"I back my car into a cop car the other day, he drove off, sometimes life's ok.
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, what did I say? Well you just laughed it off, it was all ok."

There are very few things in this world that we need to worry about - and there are millions of things we worry about that we have no control over and can never have any control over, so all we're doing is making our lives miserable and the lives of those around us... miserable. Nothing will change, some things progress - but seriously - we all float on. "We all float on anyway..."

"A fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam, it was worth it just to learn some sleight-of-hand.
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands, good news will work its way to all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day, well we'll float on good news is on the way..."

Things go wrong - especially when we over plan. You CAN NOT plan every moment of your life. It's the water theory - look at water - YOU are water. Now look at the river bed.. that is life. See the rocks? See the driftwood? See that garbage someone tossed into your path because they were too lazy to take care of it on their own? Now look at the water and how it flows around it, over it, past it and under it. It's there, the water knows it, but it floats on... "No, don't you worry, we'll all float on. Alright, already, we'll all float on. Alright, don't worry, we'll all float on..."

"Alright already we'll all float on. Alright already we'll all float on. Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy. We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on. Alright already we'll all float on, ok. Don't worry we'll all float on. Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on..."

"Float On" is another song that clings to me, just like "You are a Tourist.." This change is still happening and my river has run into a small inlet, everything is churning, agitating even the most subtle aspects of my life. Just under that epidermis, where only fine words and good music can reach me...
But I know I'll float on, and I'll be alright...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

My Blogging Life

In the last two weeks I've been sick more times than in the last two years of my life. This pesky chest cold is relentless. I'm still coughing and it's going on 3 weeks. Take that and add it to "female" issues, the idea of hiding under my covers for a while has become appealing. The gentle warmth of the t-shirt sheets and the weight of my over sized quilt screams healing. (all I need is some yummy veggie soup and a cup of hot coco)

The move is moving as planned. The days are sticking, we've ordered tickets, triptiks, planned out routes and the dinning room is almost bare - excluding the dinner table that we eat at. (next up basement so I have a place to stack the boxes.)

The list of things that need to be taken care of before departure has been whittled down considerably. My son has a doctor appointment set up for the day after his 3rd birthday. I have boxes and more packing material lined up for the taking, classes have been covered and my schedule is almost non-existent. (to be honest I think I'll pull in another $150 before I go and that's me being generous - BUT - it's $150 I didn't have before so I will not complain.)

So I'm beginning to have more time, which is a double edge sword because all I see IN that time are a bunch of things I need to do. Like I need to have one more (blasted) garage sale to sell off the kitchen table, towel chest, standing bath cabinet, fire place screen, a wooden kitchen chair, a retro yellow stool/chair, 2 book cases, computer desk, 2 file cabinets, ON TOP OF all the other items in my garage... I think I'm going to wait till next week and just have a 2 day sale and be done with all of this.

Other things I need to do:

  • order medicine
  • soy/rice milk for the road
  • find a car
  • schedule shut off for electricity, gas, water
  • sell house
  • have computers fixed/updated
  • maybe write something (maybe)
  • maybe edit something else (maybe)
  • tear down garden
  • try to relax
  • learn to fly
  • yoga stuff...
I know there's more but I can't remember much of it. 

Right now I'm being told that I need to go watch the Little Mermaid, so I'm going to do that because the midget isn't happy about this whole "blogging" life. Yes, my song hates my Blogging Life...

But before I go, here is the trip itinerary!

Time for me to slip under the sea! See you soon my lovelies. 

My son would also like to see this...
Don't think my car can make that trip... yet.

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Soundtrack of My Life

This is a term I hear a lot these days. It strikes me funny because the first time I remember saying it I was maybe 20, so 16 years ago (roughly)...

"I wish I could just record this moment and add it to the soundtrack of my life." <= that is what I said to my girl friend as we were singing, laughing, driving and just being...

So here I am, many years later, and the thought still pops into my head.
I see these surveys on facebook about turning on your ipod and picking the first 15 songs - but I guess I need more meaning than that... I need my songs to mean SOMETHING to add them to a list that should be played as I saunter down Sun Set BLVD in the close credits of this movie I've been playing out over the last few years.


I wish I could just plop down and name each song for each moment, but I can't. I'm not much of a planner when it comes to these here blogs. I'm more of a "by the seat of my pants" kinda gal. But I CAN do this.

Let's start in the middle. Right now.
Fade in... C'Town in it's rumpus of life. Wine bars. Irish Bars. (more Irish bars) a hair salon (or 25) and five dozen yoga studios. I'm walking down the street, wearing yoga clothing (obvious). A hot pink sports bra is peaking out of my favorite sliver/gray tank, faded black capris, black flip-flops. My son holding my hand - chaos.

Cars are running up and down the throrfare. People are coming in and out of businesses, no one is talking to us. They move around us as we weave around them - cue song: "You are a Tourist" by Death Cab for Cutie

"This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher"

~lyrics kick in~

"When there's a burning in your hear; An endless yearning in your heart; Build it bigger than the sun, let it grow, let it grow; When there's a burning in your heart, don't be alarmed."

This fire grows higher....

We walk down the street as I watch all the people comings and goings and I feel out of place. I look at my boy... he's smiling and singing and asking me questions... "What's that mama? What's that?"...
The people begin to bump into me. At first, I say things like, "Excuse me." or "I'm sorry." But it becomes so frequent the fight kicks in.

I'm grabbing at my son, afraid he'll be trampled...
I run...
I run...
I run...
Past the stores I've known forever.
Past the shops that are bordered up.
Past the park I learned to swing in.
Past the pool I took lessons as.

I run
and I run
and I run, and I run
and I run, and I run, and I run
and I run...

~this fire grows higher~

"When there's a doubt in your mind; because you're thinking all the time; Framing rights into wrongs, move a long, move along; When there's a doubt in your mind...

When there's a burning in your heart; And you think it'll burst apart; Oh there's nothing to fear, save the tears, save the tears, when there's a burning in your heart..."

As we run, we make it to our street and turn quickly, sharply. I have to put him down, and his giggling. "Do it again mama! Do it again!" He wants to spin. He wants to fly. I want to spin. I want to fly.
And I smile - because I am.
I'm flying, past the thoughts. Past the imagery I create in order to punish myself for things out of control. I'm flying past what I've know.
I'm floating through the air - like those image you see of two sky divers in tandem - arms outstretched. Hands latched together, spinning around and around over the city. I can see him, my boy. I can see Cleveland. I can see it all and I know...

"And if you feel just like a tourist in the town you were born in it's time to go..." (It's time to go)
"And define your destination, there's so many place to call home...." (Los Angeles)
"Cause when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written it's plan to see..." (...)
"That sometimes the best intentions, are in need or redemption. Would you agree? If so please show me..."

~This fire grows higher~
                ~When there's a burning in your heart~
~This fire grows higher~
                ~When there's a burning in your heart~
~This fire grows higher~
                ~When there's a burning in your heart~
~This fire grows higher`
                ~When there's a burning in your heart...

I made the decision that I wanted to leave this town many years ago. I found a lot of excuses to stay. I listened to a lot of people tell me I would fail, and I believed them.
There has always been a fire inside of me that told me this was just the nest I was supposed to leave, but... but... but...

This song, "You are a Tourist" is in the middle of the soundtrack of my life, but it's made the cut because it's true to me....

As I spin through the air with my son holding my hands across from me, giggling, smiling, being him... we float to the ground and run to the car as we tear off our jump suits and goggles. The car is packed. A carrier on top. The trunk held closed with a bungee cord. And we peel out heading south towards the freeway - this fire grows higher... this fire grows higher...

~fade out~