Sunday, September 18, 2011

A case of the crazies

There are these moments.
Small in size, but large in effect...
They creep up on me in the dead of night, or even in the middle of an afternoon walk.

My heart begins to race and my hands and feet grow sweaty and I can't think a complete sentence through without fear grabbing hold and trying to drag me down.

Yes, that's right, I have a good case of the crazies, this is something I've come to understand - at least the logical side of me does. It sits very still and with judicious intent and accepts the fact that the OTHER side of me is not plain Jane, so direct and true, no she is Bertha mad as a hatter, and she is setting fire to my resolve. Yes, yes... with her rats nest hair and dancing imbalanced eyes - my case of the crazies is making me tap dance around what I know to be true - all will be fine. Because it really will...

Emotional tidal waves wash over me eroding what little discipline I have left. My nights have grown sleepless and the digits to our departure are now only double - and at the low end of the countdown. I blame everything for my wide eyes at 3am, but the truth. I'm scared.

I'm so scared it's not even funny.

This is very hard for me to say on here... oh pride how you like to muck up every day human nature...

But that's what it is.

I KNOW... we'll be fine.
I KNOW... we are doing the right thing.
I KNOW... in the end it is the right decision and the BEST and most HONEST decision I've ever made in my life - but I'm freaking scared.

We watch people, with the most honest of intent, tell us "You'll be back. Just you wait and see." and after a while you begin to let that whine seep through - you see the failure before you ever see the prize.

My Plain Jane side of me abhors this dereliction of character.
She knows her mind, her heart and her soul.
She KNOWS what is to be done, needs to be done - she knows because NOT doing this would be like eating pancakes WITHOUT maple syrup for the rest... of... my... life...

Which is "OK", but who wants just OK?

Ahh... and there it is - the counter fire the burns just a few degrees hotter than that case of the crazies... it burns through my fingers and down my spine and it smolders in my heart. In a booming voice with a hand raised in a fist, she screams to the skies "I will not be defeated. You'll see... you'll see."

Admitting my fear has grown it hard.
Admitting you're human always is.... but I think it is a much bigger burden to pretend you're not.
Admitting I'm scared goes along with all of this - because I've heard from so many of you with such great encouragement, yet my crazies linger on the "You'll be back. Just you wait and see." comments.

Humanity sucks.
Fallibility is hard.

But admitting it is liberating.
And letting it go is essential.

My logical side is to honest and to pure to allow the marred bewildered crazy woman call out too often. I think she let's her come out at all just to reassure all of me that there is a certain amount of strength inside my heart that nothing can destroy.

I think tonight I will finally sleep, and tomorrow I will pack some more.
Life won't wait now will it? So what am I waiting for? An invitation?

Pretty sure I got that already...

I suppose for now I'll be okay... you know, until the next time I get a good old case of the crazies...

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