Friday, September 2, 2011

The Soundtrack of My Life


This is a term I hear a lot these days. It strikes me funny because the first time I remember saying it I was maybe 20, so 16 years ago (roughly)...

"I wish I could just record this moment and add it to the soundtrack of my life." <= that is what I said to my girl friend as we were singing, laughing, driving and just being...

So here I am, many years later, and the thought still pops into my head.
I see these surveys on facebook about turning on your ipod and picking the first 15 songs - but I guess I need more meaning than that... I need my songs to mean SOMETHING to add them to a list that should be played as I saunter down Sun Set BLVD in the close credits of this movie I've been playing out over the last few years.

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I wish I could just plop down and name each song for each moment, but I can't. I'm not much of a planner when it comes to these here blogs. I'm more of a "by the seat of my pants" kinda gal. But I CAN do this.

Let's start in the middle. Right now.
Fade in... C'Town in it's rumpus of life. Wine bars. Irish Bars. (more Irish bars) a hair salon (or 25) and five dozen yoga studios. I'm walking down the street, wearing yoga clothing (obvious). A hot pink sports bra is peaking out of my favorite sliver/gray tank, faded black capris, black flip-flops. My son holding my hand - chaos.

Cars are running up and down the throrfare. People are coming in and out of businesses, no one is talking to us. They move around us as we weave around them - cue song: "You are a Tourist" by Death Cab for Cutie

"This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher"

~lyrics kick in~

"When there's a burning in your hear; An endless yearning in your heart; Build it bigger than the sun, let it grow, let it grow; When there's a burning in your heart, don't be alarmed."

This fire grows higher....

We walk down the street as I watch all the people comings and goings and I feel out of place. I look at my boy... he's smiling and singing and asking me questions... "What's that mama? What's that?"...
The people begin to bump into me. At first, I say things like, "Excuse me." or "I'm sorry." But it becomes so frequent the fight kicks in.

I'm grabbing at my son, afraid he'll be trampled...
I run...
I run...
I run...
Past the stores I've known forever.
Past the shops that are bordered up.
Past the park I learned to swing in.
Past the pool I took lessons as.

I run
and I run
and I run, and I run
and I run, and I run, and I run
and I run...

~this fire grows higher~

"When there's a doubt in your mind; because you're thinking all the time; Framing rights into wrongs, move a long, move along; When there's a doubt in your mind...

When there's a burning in your heart; And you think it'll burst apart; Oh there's nothing to fear, save the tears, save the tears, when there's a burning in your heart..."

As we run, we make it to our street and turn quickly, sharply. I have to put him down, and his giggling. "Do it again mama! Do it again!" He wants to spin. He wants to fly. I want to spin. I want to fly.
And I smile - because I am.
I'm flying, past the thoughts. Past the imagery I create in order to punish myself for things out of control. I'm flying past what I've know.
I'm floating through the air - like those image you see of two sky divers in tandem - arms outstretched. Hands latched together, spinning around and around over the city. I can see him, my boy. I can see Cleveland. I can see it all and I know...

"And if you feel just like a tourist in the town you were born in it's time to go..." (It's time to go)
"And define your destination, there's so many place to call home...." (Los Angeles)
"Cause when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written it's plan to see..." (...)
"That sometimes the best intentions, are in need or redemption. Would you agree? If so please show me..."

~This fire grows higher~
                ~When there's a burning in your heart~
~This fire grows higher~
                ~When there's a burning in your heart~
~This fire grows higher~
                ~When there's a burning in your heart~
~This fire grows higher`
                ~When there's a burning in your heart...

I made the decision that I wanted to leave this town many years ago. I found a lot of excuses to stay. I listened to a lot of people tell me I would fail, and I believed them.
There has always been a fire inside of me that told me this was just the nest I was supposed to leave, but... but... but...

This song, "You are a Tourist" is in the middle of the soundtrack of my life, but it's made the cut because it's true to me....

As I spin through the air with my son holding my hands across from me, giggling, smiling, being him... we float to the ground and run to the car as we tear off our jump suits and goggles. The car is packed. A carrier on top. The trunk held closed with a bungee cord. And we peel out heading south towards the freeway - this fire grows higher... this fire grows higher...

~fade out~

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