Thursday, December 1, 2011

Are you happy?

In this portion of my life I have a lot of time on my hands - but in an odd way, because - honestly - I have no time to myself. It's a big old paradox that IS my life.
While the worlds swims around me and people are going to work or school or wherever they're going I get to play with my son, dream up my next book, work on the internet and sometimes have elaborate conversations in my head.

These conversations are what brings me here tonight.

On days the conversations are fine. Just thoughts flickering through my head and by ten at night I don't remember one from the next. On others the sound of my own voice muffled between my ears echos into the next day - and that... well, those conversations are very different.

I like to call them "Letters to No One". I've posted them before, but not in years. Here is one tonight:

To Whom it May Concern,

Life. She is a tricky thing, filled with relationships, bills, mundane tasks and television. We wake up in the morning, only to drift into the night, and then crawl back into bed so we can do it all again the next day.

Each second becomes a minute, and that minute is an hour, when suddenly that moment we remember SO VIVIDLY really happened five years earlier. Time moves quickly, life move so fast we're lucky to find any moment we've been searching for, but there lies the problem.

The problem is most of the times we don't even know what we're searching for at all.

We hear our parents, sibling, friends, lovers, spouses, coworkers and even that guy in front of us in the checkout line say things like, "Well I have a good job, and it pays the bills." And silently we think, "Yup. So do I. That's what it's about."

But it's not.

There is one question you have to ask yourself today and it is the same question you will ask yourself right before you die - Am I happy? WAS I happy?

Happiness isn't measured in friends, titles, insurance plans, 401Ks, "clean slates", neighborhood scores, PTAs, car make and model, malls, grocery stores, jewelry, booze - those are the cannon fodder in our lives. Those are the things we forget. What we remember is how we feel.

Are we happy?

This move we made, this scary, scary move its the most insane, ridiculous, asinine thing I've ever done in my life. I look at the calender like a live field wondering if it's the 14 or the 30 that has the mine under thats going to blow this dream out from under my feet, but it's okay and I know that it will work out because both history and common sense tells me so.

What I'm saying isn't anything new. I'm not some clever guru sitting in a cave with a beam of light pouring out of my crown chakra rising high into the heavens, I'm just a very ordinary woman sitting in her bedroom with a 4 year old mac typing out blogs when she see fit.

But guess what? I'm happy.

Comfortable really isn't all it's cracked up to be - but being scared off your ass as you follow your dreams is so much more. Yes, maybe there are things I don't know, but what I do know is that for the FIRST time in my life I'm starting to actually like... me.

ALL of me, not just certain parts - even the parts that no one else sees, and why? Because I know I've tried and I know that on my death bed as I lay there I can ask that question and right now I know I can say yes.

All those things we try to control, they're not worth it.
All those crazy schemes we have dancing in our brain - are.

Life is too short to wait for that right moment, the only moment is now. If it scares you, good, take that energy and get up and go do what it is you are here to do. And stop WAITING for someone to say it's okay.


Go, and that's an order


  1. Sometimes I worry that I am addicted to that feeling of fear. Why is it that we always feel happiest when we are "risking it all?" I try to allow the whole non-attachment thing to take hold in my life, and remind myself that happiness can be found in the mundane. But often I find what I am really waiting for is my next fix of risk. I so envy those that can get up every day, follow the same routine, and feel contented. I'm working on it, but I haven't gotten there yet. Maybe when I do then I will be able to say that I am happy. For now, I settle for moments of joy in between all the rest of the feelings including boredom, exhaustion, frustration and sadness.

  2. We feel the happiest because we know that we're trying to live up to what we know we are capable. There is no certainty in life, no matter how exciting or mundane it is - it can all be taken away in one moment without our consent. So to live life to the fullest, are you really risking any more than if you didn't?
    I practice non-attachment daily. It's been a challenge, especially after we went from being a two income family with two mouths, to a one income family with one income. The struggle has been hard, going from what I feel I deserve to have (materially) to having very few things to flaunt about. This type of attachment is very easy to over come - things are things and we all know you can't it with you. Hell, most of the time it just clutters up your attic, garage, and basement. The other part I used to have issues with, the human part. In the end my attachment to my husband and son is harder - the fear of losing them is something I don't like to talk about. I remind myself that thinking to far ahead can't and won't prevent anything from happening.

    But if nothing happens then well... NOTHING happens.

    I think wanting to have your next "fix" of risk is only a sign that you have more to do, there is more to see and more things for you to learn. The problem isn't that you're not content with the same old routine - you're content with your routine, the one that tells you it's time to chuck it all up in the air and let the wind blow up your skirt and expand your horizons. I think that other routine doesn't exist - just like the Ozzie and Harriet life isn't something that's realistic now (or ever).

    There are many moments of joy that will come to you. This I do not doubt, because you have a beautiful heart and soul and it shows in your eyes. You may doubt yourself, but I don't feel that you should.
    I'm going to take this next bit of advice and use it in my life too, but maybe, instead of trying to fit ourselves into some pre-made drilled out hole where all we do is look at the negative points in life, because we're uncomfortable, maybe we should accept that we don't fit there and that there are - day in and out (even those shitty ones) - happy moments that make us want to keep going.

    Thank you for reading my blog pretty lady. I miss you and the next time I'm in town I will be on my mat in your class.