Monday, April 30, 2012

but I can't

I could cry
it is healing
the tears
they cleanses you

but I can't

I could scream
it is energy
pent up
set it free

but I can't

I could sleep
find space
like mediation
it will release me

but I can't 

all I do is pray
all I do is pray
all I do is pray

I will sit in silence
and it will hold me

when I can't

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Let it begin!

It's official, I'm back in the query trenches. Yes, I'm sitting at my desk, typing away letter after letter - to agent after agent, feeling slightly sick the entire time. Isn't fear a lovely thing?

In my yoga life, everyone tells you the biggest fear is the fear of success. What will you do then, because this is all you know? (So yeah, it's basically the fear of the "unknown".) But I'll be frank - I'm scared someone will look at my work and laugh hysterically then tell me that I should just pack it up and go my merry way.

The brain is a torture device we keep trapped in our skull to smack us around from time to time...

But the voice of fear and the voice of doubt can not seem to drowned out this other voice that keeps yelling over them, "SHUT UP! YOU'RE FINE! STOP OVER REACTING! SEND THE QUERIES ALREADY! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, A FLIPPING INVITATION?!"

Ah... encouragement... ;)

So let's do the "where I'm at" list:

6 Months in Los Angeles - CHECK!
Split book into 2, finished first edit, started second edit - CHECK!
Make comprehensive list of agents to query - CHECK!
Wrote synopsis, query, and I have my chapters ready & my manuscript on hand - CHECK!
Bakes amazing sea salt chocolate shortbread cookies - CHECK!
Gave myself a headache from making random lists - CHECK!
Outlined new non-Hope Saints book (because I need new fictional friends) - CHECK!
Worked out - CHECK!
Meditated (poorly) - CHECK!

I'm... what am I? I'm at a good point in my life, which also happens to be one of the most terrifying moments of my life (for numerous reasons that I haven't shared) but I really have learned a lot in the past few months. A lot about who I am, what I want, and what I'm willing to do to get there. I've learned a lot about my misconceptions about life, assumptions, and little quandaries that have kept me sleepless and I like what I've found.

Outside of the fear, the letters, the words - the life that I projected towards you - I'm still learning what the best version of me will be, and I don't plan on stopping any time soon. That's what I've decided life is (for me). It is the chances I'm willing to take, and the ones I'm willing to skip. It's reinventing myself over and over. Life, for me, is a never ending process - learning, re-learning, reaching out and looking in, and understanding that through all of it I may have to take a few steps back to take the right steps forward.

Tomorrow it begins again - my new me, and my next step forward, because what is a dream if we don't reach for it, but only a wish before sleep.

Friday, April 20, 2012

I lost a friend...

I would like to share with you my pre-dinner epiphany.

If you don't know me personally, I am a multi-tasker. In recent years, with the availability of things like "smart phones," my multi-tasking has been taken been taken to a whole new level.

I cook AS I do research.
I play with my son at the park AS I set up my DVR for a show I want to watch.
I watch TV AS I check emails, scan facebook, and talk to my friends (on twitter/texting/etc)

Well tonight was no different, so as I stood at my kitchen counter chopping up some onions, I tapped the old "facebook" button and see a name I haven't seen in a long time and BAM - almost stick my big old knife through my thumb.

Trying to remove a digit, accidentally or otherwise, is not the best idea on the planet, and seeing I'm vegetarian, I've just tainted my dinner. (I'm kidding)

But this got me to thinking. I've said it a million times and I'm sure you've said it too, "I lost a friend."  But did you? Did I?

If they were ever really your friend, how can you lose them? (that's the actual epiphany)

The truth is so very simple (because it normally is) in life we meet people, we attach ourselves to them, we grow apart, we leave them. Sometimes these are randoms, sometimes these are "family", sometimes there are spouses - we meet them, we attach ourselves, things change - we go our separate ways.

And in the process, we over use the word "friend." 

I'm thirty-kah;fdkhfe years old, and I've been to school, had jobs, dated people, went to bars - all the places you meet people. I've known my fair share - some I talked to every day - and they were never my friend. 

You can't lose a friend, you may grow apart, but friends always come back. 
So when you're sitting around thinking, "I've lost a friend." realize you can't, because if it's real friendship - they'll come back to you. (or you to them)

I firmly believe this because of two beautiful women in my life that knew me when and know me now and that middle part just gives us lots to talk about when we drink.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

6 months and counting

This Friday marks 6 months that I got into my car (in the pouring rain) and drove, roughly, 2500 miles across country to move to Los Angeles. Its hard to believe that it had been that long, but at the same time, it's hard to believe it hasn't been long - in a good way.

I like it here... not that it was up for debate, but I'll officially state it on this here blog - I like living in L.A.

But L.A. gets a bad rap, just like Cleveland and it's burning rivers. People hear "L.A." and they think of celebrities, paparazzi, movies, Scientology's, acting, and a ton of other things, but in reality it's a really nice place to live. The weather is constant - no more it's 20 on Tuesday and 80 on Wednesday kinda weeks. The people are actually nice and not flighty, not any more than they are back in Cleveland. There are beaches by me - TONS of beaches and on Easter Sunday I saw 3 pods of dolphins calmly playing off the coast of Malibu, which is a beautiful town.

People do rush out here to become famous, get discovered, and what ever else you can think of - but for all of those people there are parents, families, schools, regular occupation, libraries (tons of libraries) and wonderful museums - Like the California Science Center that not only houses an SR-71 Blackbird (my FAVORITE PLANE EVER) but soon the Space Shuttle Endeavour will be there very soon. (and guess what, the cost is donation based, that means if you poor like us, you can still take your 3yo there to see a lot of cool stuff and make a day of it).

I can't believe that its been 6 months and I'm very excited for 6 more months. I hope by then I'll have so many things to talk about my blog postings will be more than once a week.

Like my book perhaps...
(hint, hint, universe... hint, hint!)

I wish I had something to give away to celebrate! That's how excited I am that we've made it this far...
Alas, I do not! But thank you for reading!!

xxoo to all

Friday, April 13, 2012

Beauty. Life.

Roy Lichtenstein is one of my very favorite artists and one of the only pop artists I've ever really loved. I've always been picky when it comes to modern art, I feel there is a fine line between genius and trash, I always have, even as a child. It took me many years to even walk into the modern art section of Cleveland Art Museum - which is a phenomenal art museum. If you ever have a chance to visit, I highly recommend that you do.

As I've grown into the lovely adult that I am today, my appreciation has changed for a lot of reasons. Experience, being an artist in my own right, life - all of these things have changed me, just as they will continue to change me until the day I die.

This is the life I have chosen.

We don't like to hear that at times, that the life we have is the one we've chosen. We'd prefer to find other people to blame, but all that does is drag out the truth. Sooner or later we have to face that by making or ignoring the issues at hand creates the reality that we love or hate.

This is the life I have chosen.

At times it is sad, lonely, terribly long, hectic, crazy, insane, busy, out of control, subdued and down right boring. The book I'm working on I've rewritten 4 times. I've started research on other projects. I've outlined new books. I'm still working on this one, and its one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, because I really want this book to work. Over the years I've grown accustom to giving up, giving in, tossing things aside. I've written other books that sit covered in a layer of dust from 8 years of retreat. I have screen plays, comic books, poetry - all wasting away in storage lockers and on dark closet floors... I think of them from time to time, just as I think of the new characters I haven't had the chance to explore. Characters who are, currently, having a rave in my brain solely to get my attention, and it's mighty annoying.

"I'm coming." I tell them. "Let me finish this first."

And they whine like a 3 year old who wants to use the computer that you're currently blogging on... *ahem* (my child's obsession with is unbelievable.)

But... this is the life I have chosen. All the crazy voices included.

I've wanted to be a million things in my short life, but writing is the only one that has carried through since the inception of me. The only one. And yet, there is that fine line between art and trash... I try not to think about this as I write, scribble, type my way to the next chapter. I try not to judge my pros, even on days when I can't help do anything else but.

But we can't, now can we? We artists can't listen to the negative voices that tell us we're not worth a damn. We can't listen to the judgements of others, because some times people aren't being proactive, they're being negative because they're not happy with their own life - so why should you be? We can't listen to the sounds of silence when those people don't read your book - we have to keep on keeping on, because the only way to success is never stopping.

And I don't want to hear any buts here.

Life is hard, tiresome, scary, depressing and all around stupid at times. Everyone is fighting a hard battle, but you have to keep fighting. Keep writing. Keep painting. Keep following your passions - regardless. Because if it was easy, everyone would be successful at it.

I'll never be an art critic. I'll never be the person you consult about why one piece is better than the next, but I will be true to me and my tastes, even when all I really want to do is go hide under my desk and cry.

Art is subjective, so if someone tells you you're on the wrong side of that genius line, but you still want to keep going -> keep going.

And every once in a while, spend the afternoon at an art museum, or gallery and get lost in the inspiration of others. Then breathe it all in and be inspired by those who wouldn't take no for an answer.


Victor Kord

Childe Hassam 


Wednesday, April 11, 2012


So, I haven't been on here lately. Life has gotten the better of me, and I opted to sit on my couch, read books and watch television instead of coming here... I also opted to work on my book - oh my book... how I want to load you into a tube and launch you into space...

After (we'll just say a long time) I have gone back to the beginning, sat down, and began to dissect the thing into two books instead of just one. I just want to write something new - something non-apocalyptic (or whatever I'm supposed to call it so it doesn't sound too "trendy") But alas, I'm still writing and that's what matters.

That and this website I found: (...wait for it...) It's about real life superheroes!!  These people are no joke, and I mean that in the most loving, if I had the balls to do it I'd be out there with you, kinda way.

Evidently this is a movement currently happening. People creating costumes and hitting the streets to help the helpless and give the cops some help too. This is also a documentary that was on HBO and is now on DVD.

After watching that, I feel I have been doing even less than previously stated. It makes me want to sit here and write up a list of accomplishments from the last few weeks... maybe I should... 

1 - Was sprayed by disgusting puddle while walking my son home from the park. This was unpleasant on mean levels. 

2 - Realized I wasn't allergic to wheat and/or gluten, but soy. This has made it even more interesting being a vegan, but it has also made me realize a few other things - like why if I don't want to eat meat, will I eat things that look like meat? It's like dumping a guy because he was a jerk, then only dating guys that look like him...

3 - I've watched a lot of television, especially "period dramas", in the past few weeks, which I intend to blog about on, but haven't had the chance, yet. (But I have blogged on other shows - feel free to go read them. Now. Thank you.)

4 - I've left yoga behind, brought it back, became disgusted with it, came back to it again and now have decided to write a workshop. Makes sense. No it doesn't, but I like cookies, and cookies make everything ok.

5 - I now wish I was a superhero and had my own special cap - that is shiny, because shiny = awesome.

6 - Last, but not least, I finally saw Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog and I'm posting the first 7:30 minutes below.

There you go. A list. Two youtube clips. Small bit of ranting, and the welcomed fact that I decided to renew my blog address... 

I have to go edit. 40 pages till I'm done with book one!! Then who knows, I may take up the night shift on the metro dressed as Princess Captain Dangerous. <- That would be my superhero name, if I had one...