Sunday, April 29, 2012

Let it begin!


It's official, I'm back in the query trenches. Yes, I'm sitting at my desk, typing away letter after letter - to agent after agent, feeling slightly sick the entire time. Isn't fear a lovely thing?

In my yoga life, everyone tells you the biggest fear is the fear of success. What will you do then, because this is all you know? (So yeah, it's basically the fear of the "unknown".) But I'll be frank - I'm scared someone will look at my work and laugh hysterically then tell me that I should just pack it up and go my merry way.

The brain is a torture device we keep trapped in our skull to smack us around from time to time...

But the voice of fear and the voice of doubt can not seem to drowned out this other voice that keeps yelling over them, "SHUT UP! YOU'RE FINE! STOP OVER REACTING! SEND THE QUERIES ALREADY! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, A FLIPPING INVITATION?!"

Ah... encouragement... ;)

So let's do the "where I'm at" list:

6 Months in Los Angeles - CHECK!
Split book into 2, finished first edit, started second edit - CHECK!
Make comprehensive list of agents to query - CHECK!
Wrote synopsis, query, and I have my chapters ready & my manuscript on hand - CHECK!
Bakes amazing sea salt chocolate shortbread cookies - CHECK!
Gave myself a headache from making random lists - CHECK!
Outlined new non-Hope Saints book (because I need new fictional friends) - CHECK!
Worked out - CHECK!
Meditated (poorly) - CHECK!


I'm... what am I? I'm at a good point in my life, which also happens to be one of the most terrifying moments of my life (for numerous reasons that I haven't shared) but I really have learned a lot in the past few months. A lot about who I am, what I want, and what I'm willing to do to get there. I've learned a lot about my misconceptions about life, assumptions, and little quandaries that have kept me sleepless and I like what I've found.

Outside of the fear, the letters, the words - the life that I projected towards you - I'm still learning what the best version of me will be, and I don't plan on stopping any time soon. That's what I've decided life is (for me). It is the chances I'm willing to take, and the ones I'm willing to skip. It's reinventing myself over and over. Life, for me, is a never ending process - learning, re-learning, reaching out and looking in, and understanding that through all of it I may have to take a few steps back to take the right steps forward.

Tomorrow it begins again - my new me, and my next step forward, because what is a dream if we don't reach for it, but only a wish before sleep.

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