Friday, May 25, 2012

A case of the uglies

I try to think of positive things to say when I come on here, even though there are times I can't seem to manage it even a little. But we all have moments like that, don't we? Moments when we can't hold the uglies in any longer and we explode - one way or another.

I'm a firm believer if you take the time to see the good and pass it along, everyone will be much happier in the long run. This is what I've been trying to do. When I post on here, when I write a status on facebook, when I tweet - I embrace the K.I.S. method and also keep it nice (or silly or stupid).

Times can be hard when you're alone as much as I am. I have my son, yes, and I live in a time where technology allows me to talk to so many - but alone I still am. Last night, as I wrote in my journal, I thought a lot about that word. "Alone" and compared to to "Lonely" - at times I am this very thing, just like you are. I want to hear a kind word, just like you do.

The humanity of it made me pull the reigns on my little moment of doubt and embrace the truth. That what I need lies inside of me - the answers to all the question I have, and if I listen I'll hear them. I know that the strength I need is there too, but some times it hides behind the doubts I feel I need to hold on to - because it makes me what? I have no clue.

Why do we torture ourselves with doubts and fears that are totally and completely unsubstantiated? Because we think that's how it has to be.

Right now some of you are thinking, "Yeah, that's how it is Aryn." But why? Why?
When you were a child you were fearless and free and thought you could do anything, but as an adult you are cautious and careful and you hold back so you won't get hurt. When did that happen?

We should all be a little more fearless in what we say and do, especially when it concerns our well being and our heart. We should be kind and we should be learn to edit cruel commentary. We should recognize that we aren't "better" than anyone and that life is neither a contest or a competition.

But we should be fearless.

You can have compassion and be fearless.
You can be fearless and reach your dreams without stomping on the dreams of others.

I hate the uglies in my life and I hate the doubts and fears. I hate the voices I hear of people from my past and of myself telling me I'm a failure and a loser and ugly and stupid and terrible and whatever else I can come up with at that moment - but just like it's my choice to listen to them - to listen to me - it's also my choice not to.

It's my choice to tell me that I'm smart - because I am and so are you.
It's my choice to tell me that I'm beautiful - because I am and so are you.
It's my choice to tell me that I'm worth it, that I deserve better, that I deserve more - because we do.
It's my choice to tell me that I'm not a failure, that I'm not a loser, and that I'm not a bad person - because I'm not.

Just like it's your choice to do the same.

The truth and reality of life is the simplicity of this fact - You are in control of your life.
Because you are.

That's why I come on here and try to write positive posts and why I don't go on facebook and complain about the remedial idiosyncrasies that roll over into our lives. If we spent half as much time looking at all the greatness we have in our lives as we do all the complete and udder shit - wouldn't we just be happier? Yes we would.
So maybe things aren't working on the time table you set out - well guess what? It's not for me either. What does that mean? Nothing - keep going. Keep working. Keep trying. Keep smiling.

Do what you love.
Love what you do.
Say thank you.
Say I love you.
Hug too long.
Laugh too hard.

And stop picking at yourself like a vulture on carrion.

If you're breathing and you're reading this there is still time to do all those things you wanted to do.
If you're reading this stop with the excuses and just GO FOR IT.

And if you're reading this - thank you.

Take a moment, every day, to remind yourself of the good things you've done - not just the bad and take full credit for both. Take control of your life  - you'll thank you for it. I promise.


Friday, May 18, 2012

What kind of life.

Evidently managing 3 blogs and writing for a 4th is becoming complicated, because I swore I've posted on here recently, which I have not. As you can plainly see.

I suppose there has been a lack of inspiration on this end of things. Between sickness, a stiff neck, altercations that, somehow, became unavoidable - finding a way to spin things into the realm of possibilities had been lost on me.

No one ever said living your dream would always be easy, but we all know that now don't we? Because if it was easy, we'd all be doing it... as that saying goes. So there we were, four weeks into the lay off with no prospects in sight and I'll be honest, I began looking at the few things we own and deciding what would and wouldn't fit inside the 2 door car we own if we needed to slip out in the middle of the night.

Thinking about it now only makes for a clenching feeling in my stomach and chest.

But alas, it didn't happen and things, once again, turned around...

No, everything isn't 5000% and yes, there are other thing that still need to be worked on - but it's all a learning process. Finding those moments filled with the lessons we need to move forward and not continuously feel trapped in a stale pool of life.

I'm no closer today that I was the last time I wrote at finding a "yes" to my query, and I did the appropriate thing - had a pity party.

See there it is! Oh wait... I have a better, more true to life, image for you - or should I say clip....

[dusts hands off] There! That's better... 

Then things magically turned around and my husband found a job. He'll be working at the place that made this:

And then I was not feeling well and decided to take a nap and instead wrote a rough outline for a new book.

You see, I have this little problem where I get to far into my head - and it's a maze, a big Stephen King inspiring maze filled with self hatred, doubt, poor self-esteem, and you know what else, I know I'm not the only one that gets trapped in that maze in their head. I'm not even the only one that admits it - but know it helps me stop doing this:

And get back to doing this:

The hardest thing about a hard life is accepting you chose it, just like I chose to maintain 3 blogs and write for a 4th. Just like I chose The Hope Saints to be the 1st (really 2nd but I like to pretend that 1st one didn't happen) book I sent queries out on. 

I know it's hard, juggling a family, writing, EVERYTHING, and that's the fun and that's the joy - and that's my choice.

But with that choice come great responsibility, like posting more than 2x a month on here... shame on me... wasted all that time on a pity party when I could have just had a real one with balloons, and confetti and cake and balloons... wait... I already said that. 

So I'm off, back to world domination, book occupation, yoga inspiration and family meditation - with a side of music.

Dance if you must! Frankie Rose "Know Me"

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Never the twain shall meet

Have you ever read any of those "How to get people to read your blog" blog posting? I ask because sometimes I wonder if it's true - but then I remind myself, gimmicks are just that and I'm not good at them.

Never have been. Never will be. I blame ADD.

But the wonder is still there, because so is the doubt.
The "Am I good enough?" Question.
The "No you're not." Reply

And then the insecurities take over and you find yourself asking everyone you've ever know what they think about your blog - or whatever it is you're insecure about: How do I look in this? Does it read well? Do you think the flavors meld correctly? What about the shadows in this shot? Does my headstand look strong enough.....???

But there in the back of your head that little voice is yelling, "shut up!"

When people tell me they read my blog, I'm pleasantly surprised. I thank you for stopping in and checking out my madness, my adventures, if you will - for that is how I like to look at my life. No, I'm no currently raising money to climb mount Kilimanjaro, mostly I'm just trying to get by. That's the adventure of life - realizing what you need to keep close and what you need to cut loose - that is the adventure in your brain and your soul.

So maybe this blog isn't lined with awards.
So what?
To me it is because I started it 3 years ago when I was utterly depressed. Weighted down by postpartum and the new life of an infant. Some days I blogged 3 or 4 times about NOTHING - but I made it through. I made it past that rough patch, just as I made it across the country to life in L.A., just as I'll make it through and out of the query trenches.

I'm sure I won't leave unscathed.

An untouched life is not a life - it's a doll - it's a museum.

That's what life teaches you over the years. It shows you that all those cliche adages are true:
"You win some, you lose some."
"You can't always get what you want."
"Slow and steady win the race."
"If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
"Life's too short not to try."
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

Don't <-

Don't care what others think about you, but appreciate those who care enough to stand by you.
Don't give up.

Try harder.
Work longer.
Realize that if it was easy, everyone would have it.

It's not easy. These adventures into the abyss that take me 25,000 steps outside of my comfort zone, they are scary and tiring and consuming - and maybe they don't include all inclusive vacations in Puerto Rico, but what the hay?  Do it anyway...

I started receiving my rejection letters at the end of last week.
That's where I'm at on this current adventure. I'm taking the shots to my armor plated helmet and vest, because it's what it feels like - you can say it doesn't bother you, but it does.

And for now I'll keep my head up high and keep moving.
What else is there to do?

"Most men die at 27, they just bury them at 72." -Mark Twain

that will never be me.